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Thread: Major Issues

  1. #1

    Major Issues

    Iíve been married for 8 years, with a toddler son. Almost a year ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and we lost all hope. We both planned for the worst, especially me. Since that point of time, I started to create an invisible barrier to deter myself from getting too close to him to prepare myself for the worst without him knowing it. Currently, his medical condition is confusing and nobody is able to predict anything for us. About half a year ago, when I was at the most depressed stage, I led a miserable life daily until a close male friend started to support and encourage me.

    He was the reason I stood up again, and soon after we both started developing feelings for each other. Heís single, Iím not. We still chat daily as much as possible and share our feelings. He is not from the same country as me, but weíve met up even recently and weíve had good times together (nothing sexual). I don't know what I/we should do. We really like each other, but I cannot let him be the reason for my divorce. I've not been close to my husband ever since the depressing news broke me. I cannot leave my husband because of responsibilities and the state he's in. And I cannot let my child suffer alone. I'm at a complete loss.

    My friend does not press me for anything nor does he expect to be more than just friends. Since he has helped me out of my shadows, he has consistently provided me with good advises towards my husband and also, autistic son. Iím tired in and out being the sole caregiver for both of them. I am aware that I'm still cheating although there's nothing sexual between my friend and I. When I met my friend recently, he even gave me a friendly hug and told me never to give up on my situation or my marriage. He said he will always be there for me. That really touched me and made me cry. He's my only strong pillar of support so I do not think I can cut off all ties with him. He's the only one there for me when I feel like I cannot carry on my life anymore. He lent me his listening ears when no one else could understand. He provided me with comfort when no one else could. He cheered me up when others could not. During the period when I was in severe depression, my husband noticed it and he actually told me that we should consider a divorce because he does not want to see me being broken everyday. What he said shocked me. And I teared because I am really broken inside. However, we managed to brush it aside.

    I have spoken to a regular counselor but I guess it didnít help much because in the end, only I can help myself. I do not think I can see a marriage counselor without letting my husband know and I also do not want to let him know about it or it might affect his health even more. I think I would have given up on everything by now should my friend not have come along. I'm really just so tired of everything. I'm unable to revert my feelings back to before for my husband. I'm afraid of being close to him again. So very afraid.

  2. #2
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    This is one of the most self centered threads I have ever read. Instead putting full focus on your dying husband and child, you are having an emotional affair.

    My brother died of lung cancer and thankfully all of his loved ones did not consider abandoning him. His partner was there, day in and day out. The partner was not looking for a replacement.

    You need to focus on your family. Stop contact with this guy! Join a cancer support group and seek a therapist to deal with this.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-16-2018 at 02:54 AM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry for what's been happening with your family and your husband's situation.

    I know it's hard and I can understand you're overwhelmed but now it's not the time for emotional affairs I think. Your husband deserves having his family on his side in this extremely difficult moment and all the support he can get.

  4. #4
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    I am so angry reading this. Your husband must be terrified that he is going to die, not only that, he has a young child. So much must be weighing on him, from fear of death, financial responsibilities to his family, fear of never seeing his son grow, and a lifetime spent with his partner. I haven't even mentioned all that he has to deal with, with treatments, doctors, pain, bills etc....

    How do you think your family, friends, and most importantly your child will feel after you abandon and cheat on a dying man?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-16-2018 at 03:23 AM.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Candyce888
    I have spoken to a regular counselor but I guess it didnít help much.
    Why didn't it help? Did you tell them about the affair? What was their advice? Or did you only talk about your husband's condition?

    If this regular counsellor doesn't work them you really need to find another one because right now what you're doing to both your husband and child is just plain wrong. Neither one of them deserve this. Get all the help you need and first and foremost quit having an affair. Drop the other guy and go full NC and then put your full focus where it belongs - with your own family.

  7. #6
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    Well, I wish I could say the opposite, but a lot of people bail on a sick spouse. The bicyclist Lance Armstrong bailed on Alanis Morissette when she got cancer. Then he didn't have anyone when he got cancer! Maybe you should divorce your husband so he can at least pass half of his money to his family. It's too bad you can't stick with him for whatever time he has remaining and see him through, but if you've shut off any feelings for him, do him a favor and leave him so he doesn't have to be reminded every day of your lack of feeling.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Well, I wish I could say the opposite, but a lot of people bail on a sick spouse. The bicyclist Lance Armstrong bailed on Alanis Morissette when she got cancer. Then he didn't have anyone when he got cancer! Maybe you should divorce your husband so he can at least pass half of his money to his family. It's too bad you can't stick with him for whatever time he has remaining and see him through, but if you've shut off any feelings for him, do him a favor and leave him so he doesn't have to be reminded every day of your lack of feeling.
    I don't agree! She needs to take care of him and the child.

    Considering what we now know about Armstrong, it doesn't surprise me. He lacked any character.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I don't agree! She needs to take care of him and the child.
    Well, she should, but she doesn't want to, and she's having an emotional affair with this online foreign guy!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Well, she should, but she doesn't want to, and she's having an emotional affair with this online foreign guy!
    We all must do things that we don't want to do, as it is life. She needs to do the right thing. I couldn't live with myself if I did this to someone. It's really terrible.

  11. #10
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    I have a lot of questions.

    First, I think you need a new therapist. Was this therapist aware of all things happening in your life, including your husbandís cancer, your inability to get close to your husband following the diagnosis because you fear his loss and the repercussions of it, your emotional affair?

    Also, how was your marriage before the diagnosis? Iím having an extremely difficult time imagining my SO being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and me not wanting to soak up every single minute with them and cater to their every need. Iíd want to spend every moment with them, especially if we had a loving, healthy marriage.

    How are you going to feel when your husband passes? Wonít you regret not having spent more time with him?

    Do you have any friends or family members you can turn to at all for support? You really need the support of loved ones right now; not this friend who has professed his feelings for you.

    It sounds like youíre running away from the problems, but what you should be doing is facing them head on. You running away is a normal reaction Iím sure since when we feel overwhelmed or anxious, itís normally a fight or flight response. But you running away sounds like itís only adding to your guilt, despite it providing you with momentary relief. Once the momentary relief wears off, youíre still facing the same problems, which seems to primarily be your husbandís cancer diagnosis and letís be honest here, your fear of losing him.

    As suggested by others, Iíd get new therapist and join a cancer support group, OP.
    Last edited by milly007; 10-16-2018 at 04:02 AM.

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