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Thread: Major Issues

  1. #31
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Location
    California
    Posts
    119
    Gender
    Female
    First I would like to say that I am sorry for what your husband is going through. You said this has been going on for a year and a half.. which makes me wonder if he is stable at the moment..
    I am in a parallel situation, and everyone here had a similar reaction... so I am going to try to be a little less harsh.
    First: Your husband is going thru a lot mentally (and possibly physically). Please talk to him. Dont abandon him in his time of need. you need to try to be happier for him. He has enough to go through... just fake it if you have to.
    As long as you are not being inappropriate with the friend, I dont think its a problem to have someone to talk to about what you are going through. You should talk to a friend, especially if they are helping to cheer you up. You should NOT be meeting with the guy.
    Continue getting counseling, and try to get some support for both of you together.
    I dont know if there is a way to send private messages here.. but Id like to talk to you more, since we have a great deal in common.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    7,708
    If someone's in a terrible, conflicted state then pointing out that someone else is worse off isn't terribly helpful, so I'm not going to judge the OP.

    There are several issues here... firstly, the terminal illness itself. It would have been better if you had faced it together in all its pain and rawness, along with the implications for the future; not least the practicalities for the rest of the family. Is there any scope for this now - really being there for your husband? It's not unusual to try to escape from situations which are overwhelmingly painful by switching off to them and just not letting the feelings through - which is what the distancing seems to be about. It would also be a human reaction to be angry with him (in the same sort of way that the healthy response to bereavement is to be angry with the person who has died), and there are ways of dealing with this which would support you emotionally without needing to take it out on your husband.

    You were vulnerable to the attentions of another man because you were alone and isolated in your situation. If you were to join a cancer support group, with people who could really understand your predicament, that would help to break the isolation. If you can really take care of yourself in a positive way then you would have far more to give your husband. You have been chastised on this thread for being 'selfish', but paradoxically if you are feeling supported in an appropriate way it would enable you to be far more emotionally present yourself.

    Having the emotional affair with this other guy is likely to lead to a whole pile of problems, and you need to detach yourself. Firstly, if you're highly dependent on only one source of emotional support, this is not a healthy start to a relationship even at the best of times. Having this dreadful situation isn't, either. You need to explore and find for yourself a proper support network to see you through looking to care for your family for the foreseeable future, not developing another relationship.

    Then, at some unspecified time in the future when your poor husband has passed, you have had time to grieve and move on, and you can rekindle a relationship with the other man - this is something to be looked at. Then you can potentially begin a new relationship which isn't founded on guilt, pain and grief and at a time when you're broken emotionally.

    But it won't be happening any time soon.

    (((HUGS)))

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