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Thread: Major Issues

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    The way to repair this is not by cheating, OP. You might not be finding other solutions to cope with the fear of potentially losing your husband, but I promise the way you're going about it now is going to bring you nothing but pain.

    A former coworker of mine did something similar when his wife was losing her cancer battle. And his wife found out, around a week before she died. It is fair to say she died a devastated woman. It was heartbreaking. This coworker has never been the same either, as the guilt he carries with him is tremendous. You need to eliminate every possible chance of your husband meeting the same fate. And that means cutting off your affair partner today.
    Disgraceful!

  2. #22
    How would you feel if your husband check out on you after finding out you are dying??/
    That is exactly what you have done??!!!!!!!!!! Marriage+ Sickness Health Richer Poorer-----don't you remember those vows?!

  3. #23
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    This is disgraceful behavior. I strongly suspect that your therapist didn't know all the details that you've shared with us. You should find another one and be completely transparent about all the details in this situation.

    As for telling your husband about this, I don't know what good would come of telling him. The man is fighting for his life while all this ish is happening behind his back......(facepalm, shaking head)

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems both you and your husband are in denial. Have you and your husband been able to talk about legal issues? Do both of you have a will? Do both of you have life insurance? Do both of you own the home? Do you both work? Do you both have health insurance?

    How good are you at the legalities and finances? It seems you are dependent on him and terrified of being alone. However contacting a good accountant, financial planner and family attorney may help you and your husband both feel more secure about taking care of your son and any eventuality. Talking about divorce and affairs seems like nonsense compared to what you should be facing. Meaning...hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Chitchatting with this guy is like sticking your head in the sand so you don't have to deal with what you should be dealing with.
    Originally Posted by Candyce888
    Yes, the counselor is aware of everything.

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  6. #25
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    Your counselor is aware of everything. Is your husband also aware of everything? Have you told him you are spending lots of time communicating with another man? If not, why?

  7. #26
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Candyce888
    Sorry, but what does NC mean? Yes, the counselor is aware of everything. The main question she asked me was, "what if your husband is still here to stay for many years to come?" To which, I'm unable to give a response to. I'll try to look for another counselor or something. Yes, I'm aware that being too close with that friend of mine is a mistake to begin with. I did not expect things to turn out this way because we actually didn't get along as well in the past. There is no excuse for this. I'm ashamed.
    NC means no contact. That's probably the very first thing you need to do to sort out this mess. Drop the guy and go full no contact, no phoning, no email, no meeting, no talking. No Contact. He has no business in your marriage right now. You need your full focus to be on your husband AND your child. They both need you now more than ever. If you feel you can't cope then you get the help and support you need from cancer support groups and therapists/counsellors, NOT affairs.

  8. #27
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    This is a very ice cold approach you're taking. Please stop this, it's devastating and cruel. You don't seem particularly guilty at all?

  9. #28
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    OP
    You have to admit that everything youíre feeling which does sound horrible emotionally. Your husband is going through something one hundred times worse!

    Why do you need this new friend instead of being there for your husband? This is not love you have for your husband. This is you taking his situation and projecting it on you as in woe is me.

    Iím sorry youíre going through this but you are going about it in the worst way!

    Instead of seeing that heís still alive youíre taking for granted the seconds on the clock! Those precious moments to have with him.

    I say ditch the friend and live out the remaining days with your husband. Because your husband should come first!

    Not allowing yourself to get close to him is only making things that much harder and worse!

  10. #29
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Candyce888
    Iíve been married for 8 years, with a toddler son. Almost a year ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and we lost all hope. We both planned for the worst, especially me. Since that point of time, I started to create an invisible barrier to deter myself from getting too close to him to prepare myself for the worst without him knowing it. Currently, his medical condition is confusing and nobody is able to predict anything for us. About half a year ago, when I was at the most depressed stage, I led a miserable life daily until a close male friend started to support and encourage me.

    He was the reason I stood up again, and soon after we both started developing feelings for each other. Heís single, Iím not. We still chat daily as much as possible and share our feelings. He is not from the same country as me, but weíve met up even recently and weíve had good times together (nothing sexual). I don't know what I/we should do. We really like each other, but I cannot let him be the reason for my divorce. I've not been close to my husband ever since the depressing news broke me. I cannot leave my husband because of responsibilities and the state he's in. And I cannot let my child suffer alone. I'm at a complete loss.

    My friend does not press me for anything nor does he expect to be more than just friends. Since he has helped me out of my shadows, he has consistently provided me with good advises towards my husband and also, autistic son. Iím tired in and out being the sole caregiver for both of them. I am aware that I'm still cheating although there's nothing sexual between my friend and I. When I met my friend recently, he even gave me a friendly hug and told me never to give up on my situation or my marriage. He said he will always be there for me. That really touched me and made me cry. He's my only strong pillar of support so I do not think I can cut off all ties with him. He's the only one there for me when I feel like I cannot carry on my life anymore. He lent me his listening ears when no one else could understand. He provided me with comfort when no one else could. He cheered me up when others could not. During the period when I was in severe depression, my husband noticed it and he actually told me that we should consider a divorce because he does not want to see me being broken everyday. What he said shocked me. And I teared because I am really broken inside. However, we managed to brush it aside.

    I have spoken to a regular counselor but I guess it didnít help much because in the end, only I can help myself. I do not think I can see a marriage counselor without letting my husband know and I also do not want to let him know about it or it might affect his health even more. I think I would have given up on everything by now should my friend not have come along. I'm really just so tired of everything. I'm unable to revert my feelings back to before for my husband. I'm afraid of being close to him again. So very afraid.
    This is a really hard time for you and your family. I am really sorry. Did the doctors tell your husband how much time he has left? Is he getting chemo or palliative care? I'm glad you are going to a regular counselor and it might be good for you to go to a cancer spouse's support group. I totally understand why you are distancing yourself from your husband as a mental defense. It's not easy trying to raise a toddler and losing your husband to cancer at the same time, so I understand why you're sort of coming up with this "backup plan." It sounds like your friend is waiting for your husband to pass. It's just a bad situation all around. My dad died of cancer when I was a child and my mom was there for him every minute. It was painful to see. She eventually remarried, but 10 years later. From a child's perspective, I would help your husband use this time to help create lasting memories for his toddler son. Record your husband telling funny stories about his childhood and teenage years, transcribe letters, whatever. Do things that will help your son when he is older figure out who his dad was. I am sure that he would treasure these records.

  11. #30
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    When my partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer he almost did the same thing to me but in reverse. The more ill he became, the more he detached. He wouldn't say 'I love you too' when I told him how much I loved him and he distanced himself from me emotionally. He was a very empathetic man and dealt with his condition with such bravery. I knew what he was doing and even told him so once. He was trying to limit my grief, by almost winding down our relationship so I wouldn't be so grief stricken when the time came. It didn't work and it left me incredibly lost and bewildered in an already heartbreaking situation. That said, I never left him, cheated or encouraged/sought any detachment to ease the grieving process. It wouldn't have worked anyway and it won't work for you. I bathed him, nursed him and did everything I could to make his last months easier and more comfortable. I'm glad I did this for him and it means that many years later, I can enjoy my new relationship, guilt free and knowing I did all I could for the love of my life at that time. The guilt from detaching yourself from your husband at such a crucial time will only compound your grief, not alleviate it. And if, God willing, he pulls through and makes a full recovery, you can reexamine your relationship when the time is right. Flowerchild is right, you say those vows almost for this very reason, to know your love won't bail on you when life gets tough. I didn't even makes these with my partner but I still stuck to the sentiment to the very end.

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