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Thread: Major Issues

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by milly007
    I have a lot of questions.

    First, I think you need a new therapist. Was this therapist aware of all things happening in your life, including your husbandís cancer, your inability to get close to your husband following the diagnosis because you fear his loss and the repercussions of it, your emotional affair?

    Also, how was your marriage before the diagnosis? Iím having an extremely difficult time imagining my SO being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and me not wanting to soak up every single minute with them and cater to their every need. Iíd want to spend every moment with them, especially if we had a loving, healthy marriage.

    How are you going to feel when your husband passes? Wonít you regret not having spent more time with him?

    Do you have any friends or family members you can turn to at all for support? You really need the support of loved ones right now; not this friend who has professed his feelings for you.

    It sounds like youíre running away from the problems, but what you should be doing is facing them head on. You running away is a normal reaction Iím sure since when we feel overwhelmed or anxious, itís normally a fight or flight response. But you running away sounds like itís only adding to your guilt, despite it providing you with momentary relief. Once the momentary relief wears off, youíre still facing the same problems, which seems to primarily be your husbandís cancer diagnosis and letís be honest here, your fear of losing him.

    As suggested by others, Iíd get new therapist and join a cancer support group, OP.
    Yes, the counselor is aware of everything. But she only posed me more questions which I'm unable to give an answer to as of the moment. For example, she asked me what I were to do if my husband lives way past the prognosis. Most of the stuff she said are still left for me to ponder about on my own, which I'm already aware that of course I should be the one solving all these issues, but I do not know how, which is why I said that it doesn't seem as helpful.

    Our marriage before the diagnosis was just like any other couples'. Perhaps a little bland and boring just like how some marriages become after a certain amount of time being together. After the diagnosis, before things turned this bad for my husband and before I got this close to my friend, I did ask him if he felt that there was anything different about our marriage that should be made in order for it to improve, but he said that he does not think there is anything wrong with it and that we're just like any other normal couples. I also asked him if we should cherish each other more so than ever and spend more time together doing things and such, but he does not see it that way and feel like there's no need to act out of the ordinary for anything.

    Yes, I do agree that I will undoubtedly feel regret/remorseful when the time comes. But at the same time, do not know how to change things for the better. I do have other friends and also my own family, but the thing is most of them could only offer me silence. At most, some of them merely said that "things will be fine" and such. For my own family, nobody said anything much as they've always been like that. The only thing my mom said was, "if things happen for the worst, please be prepared for it and just take it." She also constantly reminds me that he's gonna leave someday, and that's definitely not something I still need to be reminded about. Also, I'm not particularly close to my in-laws.

    I do agree that at times I feel like I'm just escaping from reality. So I embedded myself into games and just hoped for the days to go by... Just waited for the clock to tick. But these days, I try to suggest places to go with my husband and child, but my husband mostly disagrees on doing stuff or heading out. I do fear losing him. I also fear getting close to him. Ever since the depressing news broke, I set my mind not to have much physical contacts with him cause I'm afraid of getting too close, as well as that maybe certain physical contacts might lead us to sex. I'm afraid of sex with him. He does not like safe sex and taking chances for a 2nd pregnancy horrifies me. I'm absolutely not in any mood for sex in the current situation (not because of my friend), but because of the closeness thing and imagining having a 2nd child that might also have autism and/or cancer is terrifying to me. I'm not confident of going through anything alone.

    As for the new therapist and cancer support group thing, I'll go check them out and see how it goes.

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Well, she should, but she doesn't want to, and she's having an emotional affair with this online foreign guy!
    Hi DanZee, thanks for replying. So in your opinion, if you were in his shoes, you'd prefer that I leave since my heart is not really with you anymore? Is that what you are suggesting? Sorry, no offense here as I'm just trying to take in what every single person has commented here. Whatever that needs to be rectified and such, I'll try my best to do it.

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I am so angry reading this. Your husband must be terrified that he is going to die, not only that, he has a young child. So much must be weighing on him, from fear of death, financial responsibilities to his family, fear of never seeing his son grow, and a lifetime spent with his partner. I haven't even mentioned all that he has to deal with, with treatments, doctors, pain, bills etc....

    How do you think your family, friends, and most importantly your child will feel after you abandon and cheat on a dying man?
    Hi Hollyj, thank you for all your replies. I have read them all. I'm sorry to learn about your brother. Yes, I'm utterly ashamed and disgraced that I'm still emotionally cheating on my husband. I never expected myself to be such a person. It's shameful.

    I think you already know, but I never thought of leaving my husband and child at all, which was why I said that my friend will not be my reason for divorce. Not sure if that could be misread into something else, if it can then I apologize for it. I never had and never will have the heart to leave a dying man and a special needs child behind. I still make sure that I go with him to the hospital whenever he needs to, even during the period when my leg was broken. No matter what happens, I'll still continue to look after my husband and kid even if it weighs down on me. Yes, it does not change the fact that I'm cheating and what I've just said probably won't put me back into a good light. I'm not going to make any excuse for it. This is indeed, a terrible thing to do and what you've said does give me a wake-up call.

    As for the support group and therapist, like I've just responded to another person as well, I will look into it. Thank you for everything you've said.

  4. #14
    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    Why didn't it help? Did you tell them about the affair? What was their advice? Or did you only talk about your husband's condition?

    If this regular counsellor doesn't work them you really need to find another one because right now what you're doing to both your husband and child is just plain wrong. Neither one of them deserve this. Get all the help you need and first and foremost quit having an affair. Drop the other guy and go full NC and then put your full focus where it belongs - with your own family.
    Sorry, but what does NC mean? Yes, the counselor is aware of everything. The main question she asked me was, "what if your husband is still here to stay for many years to come?" To which, I'm unable to give a response to. I'll try to look for another counselor or something. Yes, I'm aware that being too close with that friend of mine is a mistake to begin with. I did not expect things to turn out this way because we actually didn't get along as well in the past. There is no excuse for this. I'm ashamed.

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  6. #15
    Originally Posted by Annia
    I'm very sorry for what's been happening with your family and your husband's situation.

    I know it's hard and I can understand you're overwhelmed but now it's not the time for emotional affairs I think. Your husband deserves having his family on his side in this extremely difficult moment and all the support he can get.
    Hi Annia, thank you for your kind words and advises. I really appreciate all of your responses here.

  7. #16
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    The way to repair this is not by cheating, OP. You might not be finding other solutions to cope with the fear of potentially losing your husband, but I promise the way you're going about it now is going to bring you nothing but pain.

    A former coworker of mine did something similar when his wife was losing her cancer battle. And his wife found out, around a week before she died. It is fair to say she died a devastated woman. It was heartbreaking. This coworker has never been the same either, as the guilt he carries with him is tremendous. You need to eliminate every possible chance of your husband meeting the same fate. And that means cutting off your affair partner today.

  8. #17
    Also, I'd like to add on that I was not actively or intentionally trying to search for another partner in preparation for the worst to come. It was because the only person I could confide in was this friend, and somehow after a long period of speaking to one another, things went south. Looking back, I also do not know how things have gotten past the boundary and when exactly it did. But he's practically like the only person left I could talk to, since I'm unable to talk about my woes and worries with my husband. I do not wish to implant more negativity into him. Currently, I'm also finding means to focus on my own family instead, which my friend has also always been very encouraging about. Perhaps looking for a support group and therapist will solve the issue for the best outcome, thanks to some of your suggestions.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    My take on this situation is two-fold. On the one hand, I feel like you should leave him for your other guy. For the sheer reason that everyone will know what a terrible thing you did. This man has cancer and you turn it into how it effects you. Do you see how truly selfish that is? As person, that was dumped over a cancer scare, I can tell you it was awful. And thankfully I did not have cancer, but I did get to see his true colors. Because as much as it hurt, I definitely don't want to be with someone so selfish and uncaring.

    So on to my other advice. You need to get your priorities straight.. whatever they are. If you really want to be with this other guy, be an adult and face up to it. Don't be a martyr, a dying a husband with all the concern and support from friends and family, when in reality you are only thinking of yourself.

    I feel like when your hubs passes you will feel a great deal of regret. So I would focus on supporting him and doing the best by him and your child. You will not be able to go back in time and re-do a situation with someone once they are gone from this world. And use this knowledge (that the end is near) to be the person your future self wishes you could be.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Candyce888
    Hi Hollyj, thank you for all your replies. I have read them all. I'm sorry to learn about your brother. Yes, I'm utterly ashamed and disgraced that I'm still emotionally cheating on my husband. I never expected myself to be such a person. It's shameful.

    I think you already know, but I never thought of leaving my husband and child at all, which was why I said that my friend will not be my reason for divorce. Not sure if that could be misread into something else, if it can then I apologize for it. I never had and never will have the heart to leave a dying man and a special needs child behind. I still make sure that I go with him to the hospital whenever he needs to, even during the period when my leg was broken. No matter what happens, I'll still continue to look after my husband and kid even if it weighs down on me. Yes, it does not change the fact that I'm cheating and what I've just said probably won't put me back into a good light. I'm not going to make any excuse for it. This is indeed, a terrible thing to do and what you've said does give me a wake-up call.

    As for the support group and therapist, like I've just responded to another person as well, I will look into it. Thank you for everything you've said.
    I attended a support group when my brother was dying, as the others could relate to what I was dealing with. I don't know where you are, but Gilda's Club was a life saver. Your husband could also benefit from group support.

    I know I was harsh, but this brought back the most painful time in my life, and remembering all that he had to deal with. It was horrible.

    Cut this guy off. One of the worst things you can have in life is regret, and I can't imagine how you would feel if you put your husband through more pain with this affair. What you are doing is WRONG!

    Please seek a therapist, too. You may need to also get on meds. You have a lot on your plate. Many forget what the caregivers have to deal with, but your husband is experiencing much worse..
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-16-2018 at 11:36 AM.

  11. #20
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    NC= no contact.

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