Loving Yourself: What's the Secret?

Hey everyone. So I'm far along in the healing process after a huge life catastrophe. Long story short - divorced my wife of 18 years, BFF dumped my needy butt, and my daughter went off to college.

So basically I was pretty much suddenly all alone and had to fend for myself.

Months have gone by and I feel I'm in so much better of a place. No more pain and misery every day - looking forward to going to my new job every day...hanging out with new friends...joining work industry meetups...flirting with all the women. :-)

I owe a lot of this success to this forum and its dedicated members. TY!

But I have a question...

I frequently see that in order to move on, you have to make yourself number one. You have to make yourself the top priority - you have to love yourself.

OK - well...what exactly does that mean?

I mean, I take care of myself. I shower every day. lol I eat right and started working out. I'm learning how to socialize after 2 decades! I even stopped smoking.

But I didn't do this out of a "love myself" mentality. I just did it because it made me feel better.

Am I missing something, or am I totally hitting the nail on the head? Just a little confused.

I think taking care of yourself is part of loving yourself.

The other part comes from accepting your limitations, or the 'cards' that you were given to play the game. Accepting who you are and being happy and proud of who you are becoming. Accept that you made mistakes, because we’re all human we all do. Most importantly, you need to accept that what happens in our lifes is only partially influenced by what we want. It is largely influenced by external factors that we have no control over.

All we can do is be the better version of ourselves so we get our parts ‘covered’, but that doesn’t mean it will translate into a fantastic relationship, the best job ever, or anything like that. But it will translate in inner happiness. We all have work to do towards being that person who we really want to be. So take pleasure and motivation in becoming that person.

Most of all, loving yourself is accepting yourself.

But I didn't do this out of a "love myself" mentality. I just did it because it made me feel better.

Am I missing something, or am I totally hitting the nail on the head? Just a little confused.

You are not missing anything. It's that simple.

I think Morello has a good synopsis of other qualities that come with loving yourself. I would also add that it's allowing yourself to feel better by doing things that are good for you.

I frequently see that in order to move on, you have to make yourself number one. You have to make yourself the top priority - you have to love yourself.

OK - well...what exactly does that mean?

When you see a reference to "love yourself," it's basically a self-image, self-esteem thing. Although men can suffer with self-image problems, I think it's mostly advice for women. A lot of girls, when someone breaks up with them, feel that they weren't pretty enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough, didn't have large enough breasts, and so on. There's a lot of pressure on girls to look a certain way and it's reinforced if their boyfriend called them stupid or ugly. Call a guy ugly and he might thank you. Luckily for us, there's a lot of girls who look past our looks and are attracted to other qualities. Besides, a lot of guys are already full of themselves!

So don't worry about it. Just do what you're doing.

It's about being happy in your own skin and with who you are. I am happy because I am proud of my appearance, of my work etc. I am happy because I enjoy my pasttimes, And I can enjoy life without the need for others. Then when someone comes along, you are not depending on someone else for your happiness and love. You are happy and love yourself just fine, and they would be just along for the ride with you.

It is when we start depending on others for our happiness and love, that we stop loving the person we are.

It seems you've got it covered. It means stepping out of any victim mentality or pity party and taking your life by the reins again to steer it in the direction you want it to go. However it doesn't mean becoming selfish.

I mean, I take care of myself. I shower every day. lol I eat right and started working out. I'm learning how to socialize after 2 decades! I even stopped smoking.

It's exactly what you are already doing - doing things that are good for you that make you feel better and improve your quality of life.

Do it long enough and eventually your emotions catch up to that in that you no longer feel bad and broken and instead you actually experience pleasure, joy, a sense of satisfaction, a sense of well being and contentment.

While I agree with most of what every one else wrote. I think there is another component. And I kind of think of it like-- tough love yourself. Which is part being honest with yourself and part holding yourself accountable for making sure you do your due diligence.

Ask the hard questions of others before you act or make a decision. It doesn't mean you'll like the answer or that bad things won't happen. But part of loving yourself is making sure you don't put yourself in harms way, due to fear of being yourself or being true to what you really want out of life, a job, a relationship etc. And the really hard part is-- knowing what your boundaries are and when you need to walk away.

Wow - thanks everyone. I thought I was on the right track, but terms like "accepting yourself" and "loving the person you are" kind of threw me off.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Still really frickin sad at the loss of true friendship and all that jazz...but knowing that I'm on the right track, and starting to meet and socialize with other people, while taking care of myself, is really quite empowering.

Feels good.

Hopefully this can serve as motivation for others who are just turning onto this road.

The hardest part for me was simply walking away @Lambert - but I forced myself and now it's more like a way of life than a forcing of oneself.

Wow - what a little time can do!

You're on a great path!