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Thread: Struggling

  1. #1
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    Struggling

    Ok everyone. It just keeps getting worse. I wrote a post a while back about moving in with the man i've been seeing looking for advice. We have not moved in together. I stalled that because I was on the fence about continuing this relationship for numerous reasons. Mainly I feel like he's been keeping me separate or 'hiding' me from the bulk of his life outside our relationship so why on earth should we move in together? Please be kind in any advice you may have for me on my current situation because this is very difficult.

    I'm pregnant. I found out a couple of days ago. My world is crashing down on me. I haven't told him because I know he will be furious and devastated and I can't handle his negative reaction on top of everything else i'm dealing with now. We did discuss our thoughts on having kids hypothetically a couple of months ago and I will quote what he said. 'I don't want any more children any time soon. You will regret it if you get pregnant and we will resent each other for the rest of our lives. Also you need to know if that happens and you tell me, I am against abortion because of my religion. I can't have that mark on my soul' end quote.
    The reason I've decided not to move in with him or continue this relationship is the same reason I'm struggling on whether or not to even tell him and just end the pregnancy. We are from completely different cultural and religious backgrounds and I've come to realize he doesn't consider women of equal status as men. We (women) are dumber, weaker and not to be trusted. He is not capable of taking responsibility in any way should I have this child other than opposing my ending the pregnancy. We are both struggling financially. He's barely able to keep up with the child support for his kid from a previous marriage and struggles to find time to even see his child due to his long work schedule.
    We do use protection every time but the condom broke. I wasn't on the pill anymore because my doctor advised me not to be on it for health concerns last year. I had to drop my health insurance because it went up yet again for this year and there was no way I could afford it. I don't qualify for medicare or any assistance as I'm just above the governments threshold. I just don't see a happy ending here in any direction. How do I support myself through a pregnancy with no health insurance and then raise a child by myself while working full time? I'm in debt. I have no family or support nearby. My parents died years ago. Really struggling here.

  2. #2

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    Whatever bad decisions you made to get into this position are behind you. Right now, you need to build up the courage to tell him that you are pregnant. The fact that you have kept it from him thus far out of fear is understandable, but you are just prolonging the inevitable. The longer you wait to tell him the worse his reaction is going to be.

    If you are worried that he will retaliate physically, make sure you tell him in a neutral area or you tell him in the presence of a friend.

    Financially, it's going to be hard. Look into non-profit organizations and government aid programs that help single mothers care for their children. Consider joining a church even if you are not religious. Just by attending church and going to events related to the church you can build up rapport and seek the generosity and kindness that they offer. Many churches will have free food drives and many will give out money to members who are in tough situations as yourself.

    This is a tough situation, I wish you the best of luck.

  3. #3
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    I'm sorry to hear this. Earlier this month some of us on ENA were trying to warn you away from this guy. And now finding out he's of a different religion that doesn't value women and from another country is even more bad news and may explain why he hasn't introduced you to his friends and family. He's keeping you isolated and is cutting you off from your support systems. It's a sign of emotional abuse. And now you're pregnant.

    I know you have enough to think about, but my advice is to break off with this guy and think about having an abortion. Then you can start fresh and look to meet a nice guy who wants to have a healthy relationship start a family with you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Obviously your decision about what to do, but if I was you I'd be dumping that guy immediately and having an abortion. You know he doesnt want another child so he's not likely to be of any help to you and you dont appear to be able to afford to have a child. I'm sorry you are in such a mess.

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  6. #5
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    I'm sorry you are in this situation. What do you really want hun? While you can consider the father's opinion, this is your body and the decision is ultimately up to you. Either way, you have to tell him, but do not let him bully you. To be completely honest, he sounds like pure shyt. A despicable person indeed. How dare he tell you what he did if you became pregnant; it almost sounds like a threat. A "damned if you do, damned if you don't" response...seriously, this guy is messed up. He is just as much responsible for the pregnancy as you are.

    Please do seek comfort in your friends and stay away from this man. He is giving me terrible vibes just from your post alone. Just throwing this out there, he can terminate his parental rights. Consult a lawyer about the specifics, regarding child support, visitation, a mediator, etc.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    We did discuss our thoughts on having kids hypothetically a couple of months ago and I will quote what he said. 'I don't want any more children any time soon. You will regret it if you get pregnant and we will resent each other for the rest of our lives.
    My first response to that would have been: "Then please book your vasectomy if you are that certain and spare me subjecting my body to the chemicals in birth control pills and you are against abortion. Then I'd leave him if he is the type that refused when he doesn't want children. Love has nothing to do with why I would stay with a d-bag like him.

    Now, If you are going to keep this baby then you need to tell him and you also need to get to a lawyer to get advice on getting child support payments in place. Whether he resents you or not, he has a responsibility to his child to make sure she is taken care of financially.

    If you're not going to keep the baby then don't bother telling him. Just leave him and have an abortion and be done with him. You will likely want to book yourself some therapy sessions to help you through the emotional trauma that all of this (and his damn awful attitude) has dealt you.

    Hugs to you.


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