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Thread: My girlfriend moved across the country for me. Now she wants to move elsewhere.

  1. #1

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    My girlfriend moved across the country for me. Now she wants to move elsewhere.

    Where do I even begin?.......It all started 5 years ago. I met my best friend, the girl of my dreams, the girl I want to marry, on the first day of college classes. We were in the same major, so naturally, we had all of our classes together. She was still dating her high school boyfriend at the time, and I respected that, even though I liked her a lot. 2 years went by and we were closer than ever, the best of friends. When her high school boyfriend and her broke up, which was a long time coming, I still waited 3 months before I told her how I felt. Fast forward to a year later, and we graduated, still madly in love and seriously dating. I know it seems like its all from a movie, but there isn't always a happy ending. After we graduated, we did long distance for about 6 months, before she found a job, and moved here to me. We were so happy, however, it has been her dream, since I have known her. I never realized how strong of a desire it was of hers. About 2 months ago, she brought it up to me, and I told her I would support her but I wouldn't be able to leave the city I live in (I have an amazing job here, I am not a fan of city life at all. It is very different ..... You can actually own a car there and pay less than $1000 a month for a studio apartment). I have done long distance before, it was very hard for me, I am emotionally weak. I have also been cheated on (not by my current gf) which permanently cursed me with trust issues. I trust my girlfriend more than anyone, but there always been that lurking sense of doubt that plagues me. Believe me, I want to stay together, and I have brought up the idea of moving to there with her, but she says that what has happened to her will just end up happening to me. I've apologized to her, because I truly feel like I have failed her..... like I wasn't enough for her, otherwise she wouldn't want to leave. She tells me that I am wrong, and that I am the best boyfriend she has ever had, and one of the best people she has ever known. But in my opinion, I don't believe it. I am having a lot of trouble understanding why she would still want to leave me if that were all true. So if she moves to there, I don't think my heart could take it seeing her going out with guys and never getting to see her but maybe once every two months. However, I can't bring myself to discourage her from moving either, that's just not who I am, all I care about is her happiness, for her to be proud of herself, and for her to follow her dreams. So I have no come to you all, my last resort, because I am now in the darkest of places with my depression. I don't know what to do, what to say, or how to act anymore, and I am having the darkest thoughts in my head. If I tell her any of this, it'll be more drama, and in my opinion, more of a reason for her to just move to there. Everything I know and loves seems like it's just slowly fading away, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. What should I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Where is she from and what's in Chicago? Where did she move from to be with you? How happy is she there with the culture, job, etc? Is there relationship discord such as she wants more of a commitment and you don't?

    It sounds like she is unhappy in Atlanta or with you or both. How solid are her plans to move? She knows you can't leave and don't want a LDR again so do you think she just doesn't want the relationship as it is and where it is?
    Originally Posted by DPeck
    we did long distance for about 6 months, before she found a job in Atlanta, and moved here to me. it has been her dream, since I have known her, to live in Chicago.

  3. #3

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    She moved from San Diego. She moved so that we could be together, and we both made a promise that she wouldn't move until she got a solid job here. She has no friends here, she's tried going to events to meet new people but it just hasn't panned out. She loves the city, and the idea of taking the train to work, and being able to walk around the city and shop and explore. So yes, she is not happy here. It breaks my heart thinking that maybe she isn't happy with the relationship either, and maybe she just can't bring herself to tell me. She wants to move within the next ten months.

  4. #4
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    Well, you've got to put things in perspective. She moved to Atlanta to be with you for four years, but you don't love her enough to move to Chicago with her. That's the way I see it. If you were as in love with her as you say, you would move with her.

    She wants to be in Chicago. I can see that. Atlanta is sort of a sleepy little city compared to a 24-hour city like Chicago. And it's hot for half the year. I think you should stop moping around and make plans to move with her, or just wish her good luck, break up when she leaves and move on with your life. She moved for you, but you don't want to move for her. Your depression will go away if you just move with her.

    So it's your decision. Stop trying to control what she does, and instead focus on what you're going to do instead.

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  6. #5

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    I think that's something I really needed to hear. I appreciate your input. It's just not always as easy as it sounds, there's a lot of emotion tied up in it that blurs the lines. Maybe that makes me weak, but it's something I am seriously struggling with. Your input means a lot to me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Start looking for a job in Chicago? Seems like a reasonable solution if you genuinely want this relationship to work.

    Right now for all your moping and depression, it really sounds like you love where you live more than her.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're incompatible. Perhaps wherever you both come from/went to college was somewhere in between and it sort of worked out. A city girl will never be happy in the country and as you know the reverse is true.
    Originally Posted by DPeck
    I told her I would support her but I wouldn't be able to leave Atlanta (I have an amazing job here, I am not a fan of city life at all. Chicago is very different from Atlanta

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    Have you looked at jobs in Chicago at all? Have you ever been to Chicago, visited and explored?

    I hope you have, at the very least, looked at the jobs available in Chicago before seemingly giving up on the idea of moving there. Also, if you arenít familiar with the city, whose to say you wouldnít like it?

    If you havenít, maybe you and your gf should take a trip to Chicago and check things out together. See if this helps with your decision at all.

    The others above make a good point when they say that it seems that your gf was willing to sacrifice her wants to be with you in Atlanta, yet it doesnít sound like youíre willing to make a similar sacrifice by moving to Chicago.

    It does sound like youíre choosing staying in Atlanta over the relationship.

    I think itís important for you to do your due diligence here - check out the jobs in Chicago, go with your gf to the city and spend some time there together.

    If you arenít willing to do any of these things, I think you know where your heart stands - in Atlanta.

  10. #9

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    I actually have started looking and even applying to jobs in Chicago (just because of my curiosity and seeing what's out there), because I do in fact want to stay together. I want to know that we did everything possible to make the relationship work, so that if it ends up not working out, at least we both know we tried, and it's just not meant to be. As far as comparability goes, I have never felt so compatible with another human being. I think after hearing everyone's insight, I have realized that I need to make a compromises too, it can't just be her. I love this girl with all my heart, I want to marry this girl and have a family. So if it comes down to it, I will move with her, assuming that is what she wants.

  11. #10
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    Just wanted to chime-in DPeck and add that itís just as important for your gf to do her due diligence as well and ensure that Chicago is a place where she can truly and realistically see herself (and you) living. I appreciate that itís her dream to live there, but sheíll want to make sure that Chicago really is what she perceives it to be. Iím sure she has done this already. Just donít want to be moving to Chi-Town on a whim and without knowing what youíre really getting into. :)

    Also, glad to hear youíre looking at jobs there too!

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