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Was I the rebound guy?


Mth185

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Some quick backstory - I recently started dating a girl that I previously knew casually through a mutual friend of ours. Said mutual friend has been wanting to get us together for some time now, but the timing was never right since we were never both available at the same time. We first started talking about 6-7months ago when I was fresh out of a long term relationship - but not being ready to seriously date yet and not wanting her to just be a rebound, I didn’t pursue.

 

While I worked on getting my self back into a good place she got into a relationship herself, that ended very badly. She reached out to me and we started to date. I didn’t know the circumstances of her breakup or the exact timeline until just recently, but our first date was only a week or 2 after the end of her previous relationship.

 

Over the course of a month we went out a few times, and things were really going great. I met her family, she met mine and we were having a lot of fun together. Then last week she tells me that despite all of this, she wasn’t ready to date yet because she hasn’t given herself time to heal from the breakup, even though she badly wanted to be. Totally understandable, it wasn’t too long ago that I was in the exact same place so I knew where she was coming from.

 

What I can’t figure out is if I was the rebound or did she not want me to become the rebound? I’m not going to chase her, and I’m not going to put my life on hold and wait for her, but is there any chance of resuming what we had if our paths connect down the road? Or have I been relegated to being the rebound guy and that’s it?

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Yeah, there's totally a possibility. Just bad timing at the moment—so respect that truth.

 

You do you, she does her, and maybe you connect at a better moment. There are clearly feelings on both sides, but also complications. You don't want to be a tool to help her process those, and good on her for having the awareness to let you know her truth. It's not the ideal, but it's the thing to respect right now.

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^^And if she doesn't, that's okay too. You've learned a valuable lesson and you're also not going to make the mistake of allowing yourself to be in this situation again.

 

One of the things I've learned in dating is to find a way to find out when the last relationship was. By reading non-verbal behavior, you can get a feel for whether or not it was a bad break, if it is still something that bothers them and to get a feel for whether or not to see this person again. I distinctly remember a girl (second date?) who gave two different answers about when her last relationship ended and then gushed about how painful the breakup was. I felt bad for her and admittedly, I was also looking for a rebound at the time. (I wish I'd waited 6-12 months before dating again)

 

Decision: I didn't call her again. I bumped into her somewhere and it sounded like she found someone else to rebound with. I have no idea if she's still with that person but having been a rebound once before, it was worth walking away from.

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Definitely not gonna let myself fall into the friend zone, I know enough to not let that happen. Or at least not do anything to make it more likely to happen. Having never been the rebound guy (to my knowledge anyway), I just wasn’t sure if this was an inescapable situation along the lines of being friend zoned, which is why I asked here.

 

I’m gonna put some distance between us, give her the space to figure her stuff out and go on living my life. Maybe we can reconnect down the road, maybe not. But we got along so well that it’s just one of those situations that I’d like another crack at under different circumstances.

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That’s the perfect attitude—staying open to what you want, creating the right boundary to find it, and accepting and respecting where she is right now, which just isn’t quite where you are.

 

Sad, I know, but it really is amazing what time does.

 

Oh for sure. I’m especially sympathetic to her situation since I just recently went through the same thing. Just bad timing I guess.

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Well that didn’t take long...only been a few days and she’s already reached out with what I can only assume are some breadcrumbs with a text about a tv show we’d been talking about last week.

 

Do I just keep it friendly but short? How do I avoid falling into the friend zone here? I thought it would be a while before I heard from her, if at all.

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Well that didn’t take long...only been a few days and she’s already reached out with what I can only assume are some breadcrumbs with a text about a tv show we’d been talking about last week.

 

Do I just keep it friendly but short? How do I avoid falling into the friend zone here? I thought it would be a while before I heard from her, if at all.

 

You need to be strategic in what you tell her. She was the one that broke it off, so she can't come right back and act like everything is okay. You'll need to remind her that you're following her wishes, and what she's now proposing contradicts what she earlier requested.

 

Tell her that you have no choice but to follow her earlier request, and for her to contact you when she is over her last breakup. In doing it this way, she will know that you're not rejecting her outright.

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Well that didn’t take long...only been a few days and she’s already reached out with what I can only assume are some breadcrumbs with a text about a tv show we’d been talking about last week.

 

Do I just keep it friendly but short? How do I avoid falling into the friend zone here? I thought it would be a while before I heard from her, if at all.

 

OMG she broke up with you three days ago, and today sends you a message about a TV show?

 

She's either bored, needs attention OR just flat out not right in the head.

 

How do you avoid falling into the friendzone? IGNORE IT.

 

If you don't trust yourself to not respond when she throws you her crumbs, block her.

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