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Thread: Feels like long distance relationship

  1. #1
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    Feels like long distance relationship

    Hi, first time poster just wanted to get some unbiased opinion.

    So a little background...my fiance and I met at work about Feb of 2016 (we no longer work at the same place together) and have been dating since early 2017. She and I had a great connection from the start, better than I have had with anyone else, ever. She says she feels the same. I was 38 and she was 30 when we met. She has two girls and I have 3 boys. In the beginning, we used to hang out a lot. Our schedules with our kids fell on the same weekend, which means we had every other weekend as a "no kid" weekend. Even on the weekends we had kids, we would hang out sometimes all together.

    We had the initial talk and waited a couple of months before slowly introducing each other to our kids, we tried to do it the right way with their feelings in mind. Things were ok and going well until about 9 months ago. My fiance's ex is very manipulative toward the girls. He uses the pity, victim role towards them to get sympathy. Btw, my fiance left him because he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to her, as well as an alcohol and drug abuser. He says things that make my finances oldest feel sorry for him and guilty for the fact that time with all of us together is fun.

    So her oldest is 10 and she is very attached to her dad. Her oldest has stated that she is uncomfortable with me being around, which means I basically cant see my fiance when she has her. Her younger one is 6 and she thinks I am her best friend, no problem with me at all. My boys love her and totally accept the situation, they actually ask when they will get to see them again because they like them all. The problem is, we cant hang out because her oldest one "isnt comfortable with the situation". My fiance is trying to be a good mom to her daughter and says she doesnt want to force her relationship on her. I understand that part and I dont push it.

    We had plans to move in together and start our lives, but her oldest wanted to finish her school out through 6th grade, she has been going to school with the same kids since 1st.

    Long story short (too late, sorry) i guess my question is to see if this is normal. We live about 45 minutes away from each other, but I feel like we are time zones apart. I get advice from my close friends and family and they tend to take my side and say the things need to change, but I need unbiased opinion to deal with this because I feel really lonely in this relationship but I understand the situation with her daughter...so I feel a little caught in the middle.

    I hope this makes sense, let me know if there are important parts I left out. Thanks for your advice everyone.

  2. #2
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    Well, it was too soon to try to blend the families. You said you started to introduce the kids to each other after a couple of months? That was way too early. Most people do this after a year or two. And you're talking about moving in with each other? Is there a marriage proposal here? Or was the plan to keep the dad paying child support while you set up house together? Not cool. This isn't a problem with the daughter. This is a problem with what you two were planning to do. You've also left your girlfriend open to a custody battle. The ex could certainly go to court claiming your gf was showing bad judgment with raising the kids by bringing a stranger into the house and he could gain more custody over them.

    You've got a lot of issues to solve here. Your gf should try to do everything she can to keep the dad happy to stay out of court, and if that means keeping you away from the kids then you have to do it. The dad might have a better attitude when you two get married and he doesn't have to pay child support anymore.

  3. #3
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    The child support isnt an issue, he doesnt pay any. I dont think the married thing matters, I pay child support for my boys and my ex getting married to her bf wont change things for me (at least here in California)

  4. 10-08-2018, 06:29 AM
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  5. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to stay in post divorce "our kids schedules line up" mode. It's a very frequent dating after divorce faux compatibility mistake. You're right that your gf has to put her kids first. This is coming from your gf, not her ex. Slow down and don't push the moving in thing either.

    If convenience such as driving distance and kid schedules are still ruling your judgement this much you may need to reconsider things. Another red flag is your gf's frequent complaints about her kids' father and the drama that is bringing to the relationship. Slow way down and start to reflect. If a 45 min drive is too much of a hassle, reflect on why you are rushing to create a very complicated blended family situation which is much more of a hassle in general and an enormous (and most likely unwanted) adjustment for both your and her kids.

    Things do need to change, but trying to control your gf and her kids, as your people suggest, is another red flag. What needs to change is slowing this thing way down and staying out of your gf's custody arrangements and ex issues. You need to hear her that she's not ready for the rushing in that you want.
    Originally Posted by Surgicaloran
    have been dating since early 2017. we cant hang out because her oldest one "isnt comfortable with the situation".
    We had plans to move in together. We live about 45 minutes away from each other.

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  7. 10-08-2018, 10:10 AM

  8. 10-08-2018, 10:24 AM

  9. #5
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Try not to stay in post divorce "our kids schedules line up" mode. It's a very frequent dating after divorce faux compatibility mistake.

    You need to hear her that she's not ready for the rushing in that you want.
    I appreciate your advice, you hit a couple of points I didnt realize I was doing. Can you go into a little more detail about your first statement?

  10. #6
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    First, you need to have a girl together. Then you'll have The Brady Bunch! Lol I'm teasing you, of course.
    As a mom, here's my thought----- slow down. You're engaged? Do you have a date set to marry?

    It's very hard on children to blend families. Your fiancée is going to choose her daughter. Most mothers would.
    What you have to differentiate between, is.....is this child doing it to be manipulative, or is she truly uncomfortable?

    Counseling could be beneficial.

    Just my own thoughts, I think you need to bend and possibly uproot to her, not expect her to . Or you wait.
    But that's a long wait. Is it worth it? Idk. You're already starting to feel alone, and that may turn into resentment.
    I feel you love this woman, but you know love is not always enough to sustain a relationship. It seems you're being
    pulled on different paths right now. You can make it work, but a child is a big obstacle. Her daughter can go choose to
    live with her dad, which surely would tear the moms heart out. I used to be a child advocate volunteer through the court, and Ive seen some cases go really badly. It's hard when someone can flip a switch and determine your life for you. If it could be proven the dad is manipulative and poisoning this child's mind, he'd lose out. But trust me, I've seen it all.
    It's awful to have courts involved. Maybe the timing for the two of you is just not meant to be right now.

    There's no easy answer or solution here. Once someone involves the court, which the dad may do, you've got child advocates, family matters, lawyers, judge, guardian ad litems in the mix. It's best to always avoid that, IMHO. Doesn't sound like the dad is good, or would have the money to do so, but.....idk......I wish I had a good answer for you, but I don't.

    You have to work it out together, try counseling, and see what you can bend on to make the child comfortable.
    Not every child cares for whom their parent chooses. The mom and her, they could do counseling together to try
    to get to the real root of the cause.

  11. #7
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    Haha...we've thought the same regarding The Brady Bunch! It is really nice to hear a moms POV, thank you. We dont have a date set to marry, we know there are a lot of details to work out and we are not rushing that. You hit on a good point about the daughter being manipulative or not. I truly feel it does make her uncomfortable, but not in a direct way. When we do hang out all together, she has a great time - laughing and playing with my boys. The problem has been that, after a fun weekend, they go back to stay with their dad and the younger one talks excitedly about the fun they had and then older one feels sorry for her dad because he plays the "boo hoo, poor me, victim role" instead of being an adult about it all.

    We are currently taking it slow and will continue to. Really, I only have two options, accept the situation or move on....I feel she and her girls are worth the wait so I choose the first option.

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    Aww, well since you love her, work it out. I'm sure with some time and counseling it can improve.

    Children will feel guilty for the other parent. I think, too, you should fill your time a bit more to curb the lonliness you feel in her absence. There's a lot placed on quantity, but quality time is important. You enjoy her when you can, and maybe try a new outlook, such as the time apart makes you miss one another more. I know it's hard but when you love someone, and feel they are worth it, try everything before letting it go! I wish you luck , xxxxxxxxxx

  13. #9
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    Well...I might get tarred and feathered for this, but to me, this is a situation where the child's mother needs to step up and be an adult and where a child doesn't get to call the shots and manipulate her mother and your relationship with her. This is way too much for a 10 year old child to handle. When I say manipulate, I don't mean the child is doing it intentionally but rather she is being manipulated by her father and there is no way she has the emotional maturity to respond to that appropriately. So it's up to her mother to step in, step up and take care and even shield her from this to whatever extent necessary - whether that means talking to her child more about what is happening or counseling to help her cope better, etc. Basically, since her father is being an a hole, it's on the mother to step in and take care more aggressively because even without you in the picture, this isn't healthy for the child.

  14. #10
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    I somewhat agree with your perspective, it's that side of things that frustrates me. I feel like the daughter has a little too much control of the situation. It's good to hear both sides

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