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Angry over my bf's choice to spend Christmas apart


stubbs35

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Well, I know it's a bit early for a Christmas thread, but here I am. :icon_sad:

 

My boyfriend and I have been together about 2.5 years. We moved in together really early, and have lived together for about 2 years. We travel frequently, and have had a lot of bonding experiences traveling the world together, but we also spend quite a bit of time apart. He is a dual citizen and has an office for his business in Europe, and generally travels frequently with or without me for work and because he wants to.

 

The holidays have always been an important time for me. I've mostly had long-distance relationships in the past and resented being "alone" at family gatherings and parties. My boyfriend is not at all invested in the holidays, but whenever it comes up, he always chooses to spend time with his sister and her in-laws instead of me and my family. It should work out perfectly, since they are European they do Christmas on Christmas Eve, and my Canadian family does Christmas on Christmas day, but last year he went to her in-laws for Christmas Eve, then she decided to host a dinner on Christmas Day. So he came to my family's house in the morning (before dinner) for about an hour then went back to his sister's.

 

He doesn't like her in-laws much, so he decreed (I thought jokingly) that he will ditch everyone and spend this year in his home country with his grandpa. His grandpa is the only remaining relative in his home country, everyone else lives in Canada.

 

Well he is leaving on Thursday for two months and returning on December 26th. So we will be apart for the entire holiday season. I'm very upset and disappointed by this. I think it indicates that he isn't serious about me, doesn't view me as part of his future family and doesn't care about my preferences or what is important to me. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he makes me out to be some kind of witch that doesn't want him to spend time with his aging grandpa. We are 31 (me) and 36 (him) and I don't want to waste my time on a man who isn't going to marry me or seriously consider me the centre of his future family. Should I leave this now? I already feel like I compromise a lot to suit his schedule, travel lifestyle, preferences, et al.

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I'll honestly never understand childless couples who raise a stink over this. I'm married and we'll most likely be spending Christmas separately with our respective families again. We plan on milking that benefit until we do start a family and taking care of the kid requires we take turns with each other's families. As things are, it's great that it's so simple. I mean, more power to couples who come to that agreement even without a kid in the picture, but in cases where that's not a mutually preferred arrangement, I find it incredibly audacious, even hostile to have your partner choose between you and their family on what's arguably the biggest family holiday of the year in the conventionally Christian world.

 

ETA: Also curious-- has he forbade you from joining him for Christmas if you'd like to?

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I would not be alone for the holidays -I would if I were you start looking for volunteer opportunities on the holidays - that way you won't be alone and you will be contributing on days where many people are alone because of terrible circumstances plus you'll be acting within the spirit of the holidays. Also he will be back for NYE.

 

When I had serious boyfriends we spent the holidays apart if both our families were doing important gatherings and if we couldn't do both because of geography. For 7 years I dated someone on and off who was not from our city so I was invited to go with him to his family for holidays which I did quite often. I didn't expect it nor would I have expected him not to see his family on Thanksgiving for example so he could be with me.

 

I think the real issue is that you are more committed to the relationship than he is. Do you speak concretely about marriage plans?

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I think you should focusing on the big picture, and not just the holidays. Have you spoken about marriage?

 

You are right, this is the biggest issue. I no longer think he is serious about the idea of marriage in the future. He has made a lot of jokes about not wanting to get married, or not believing in marriage. When I told him these jokes offended me he said he wasn't serious about them. But now we are at a point in our relationship where getting married would make sense for visa reasons, he is not viewing it as a legitimate option, and I think that has caused me to seriously question the relationship. I am viewing this holiday choice to be apart as evidence of the fact that he won't marry me.

 

What should I say to him? How do I bring up the topic of marriage in a serious way?

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You are right, this is the biggest issue. I no longer think he is serious about the idea of marriage in the future. He has made a lot of jokes about not wanting to get married, or not believing in marriage. When I told him these jokes offended me he said he wasn't serious about them. But now we are at a point in our relationship where getting married would make sense for visa reasons, he is not viewing it as a legitimate option, and I think that has caused me to seriously question the relationship. I am viewing this holiday choice to be apart as evidence of the fact that he won't marry me.

 

What should I say to him? How do I bring up the topic of marriage in a serious way?

 

Start with I want to be a mom and I want my children to have a father.

If he isn't looking forward to that, being a husband and a dad, I don't believe there is anything else to »bribe« him with.

 

Don't settle for little.

Don't live a lie.

 

Be honest with yourself.

Expect honesty with him, or whoever you may meet in future.

 

You deserve Love.

What else is relationship if not glimpses of Love? A fake illusion.

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>

 

He is a dual citizen and has an office for his business in Europe, and generally travels frequently with or without me for work and because he wants to.

 

So, knowing this about him, you are now annoyed? Maybe he is not for you?

 

As another poster asked, why don't you go with him for the holidays?

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He spent a little time with your family last year, so that’s nice. A Few months does seem like a long time to be gone, is it for work? I don’t think this is something to get upset over. Everyone has families and it’s not fair to ask someone to not spend time with their family on a big holiday. When you get married and have kids maybe that’s a different story but until then don’t get upset about it. You live together for god sake‘s, enjoy the time apart. :-)

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I am viewing this holiday choice to be apart as evidence of the fact that he won't marry me.

 

These are two separate things... just because he doesn't want to spend the holidays with your family doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you.

 

And... you don't mention this, but how many times have you gone to be with him and his family? It seems like you expect him to accommodate you and your desires and are upset that he doesn't want to this year.

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Well he is leaving on Thursday for two months and returning on December 26th. So we will be apart for the entire holiday season. I'm very upset and disappointed by this. I think it indicates that he isn't serious about me, doesn't view me as part of his future family and doesn't care about my preferences or what is important to me.
I agree, it does indicate all of those things... so, what are you going to do about it?
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It should work out perfectly, since they are European they do Christmas on Christmas Eve, and my Canadian family does Christmas on Christmas day, but last year he went to her in-laws for Christmas Eve, then she decided to host a dinner on Christmas Day. So he came to my family's house in the morning (before dinner) for about an hour then went back to his sister's.

 

so...do YOU go to his sister's for Christmas eve with him? Or do you stay home and expect him to come for Christmas day? And was he invited for Christmas by your parents?

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There are two issues here, one being the question of Christmas and the other being whether or not he wants to get married.

 

From your posts, it seems that he really isn't into the idea of marriage - full stop. If that's a life goal of yours, it seems that this guy isn't the one for you. If you'd be content to live together and just enjoy life together - then it all seems to be in place.

 

As for spending Christmas together... I'm trying to remember the last time I spent Christmas with a partner. It was years ago, and not something I normally do. The reason for this is because I only get to see my siblings en masse once a year so I spend it with my family; my guy's father is in his late 90's and really appreciates the company of his son - who unfailingly spends Christmas with him. This has no bearing whatsoever on my/our feelings about each other, the relationship or the future of the relationship.

 

However - that's just me. If the things you mention really are that important to you, and you feel as though your needs aren't being met in the relationship, then you need to sit back and take stock; ask yourself if the good parts of the relationship outweigh the disappointing ones and if they do, what you intend to do about it. Don't make any hurried decisions; it sounds as though you're feeling hurt, angry and resentful towards him at the moment and you need to be absolutely certain that any decisions you make aren't covertly designed to punish him.

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I would be direct, just as you have been about the holidays.

 

This is your future, and you do not want to waste anymore time, if you are not on the same page.

 

I am thinking that you don't want to ask, because you know the answer.

 

 

Probably yes. Usually that is the case. :icon_sad:

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It should work out perfectly, since they are European they do Christmas on Christmas Eve, and my Canadian family does Christmas on Christmas day, but last year he went to her in-laws for Christmas Eve, then she decided to host a dinner on Christmas Day. So he came to my family's house in the morning (before dinner) for about an hour then went back to his sister's.

 

so...do YOU go to his sister's for Christmas eve with him? Or do you stay home and expect him to come for Christmas day? And was he invited for Christmas by your parents?

 

Yes I do. In fact I have been to both Christmas and New Years at his sister's and at his father's. I've also frequently visited his grandfather in his home country. Of course he was invited to Christmas by my family.

 

These are two separate things... just because he doesn't want to spend the holidays with your family doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you.

 

And... you don't mention this, but how many times have you gone to be with him and his family? It seems like you expect him to accommodate you and your desires and are upset that he doesn't want to this year.

 

Up until recently, I very frequently visited his family. For random lunches and dinners and their homes, for holidays, random dinners at restaurants and other meetups. Even some road trips together. He has always been lackluster about reciprocating, to the point that my parents started to become offended. At that point I took my foot off the gas with visiting his family. At this point I've spent more time with his grandfather in Eastern Europe (with whom I do not share a common language) than he has spent with my entire family family.

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I would not be alone for the holidays -I would if I were you start looking for volunteer opportunities on the holidays - that way you won't be alone and you will be contributing on days where many people are alone because of terrible circumstances plus you'll be acting within the spirit of the holidays. Also he will be back for NYE.

 

When I had serious boyfriends we spent the holidays apart if both our families were doing important gatherings and if we couldn't do both because of geography. For 7 years I dated someone on and off who was not from our city so I was invited to go with him to his family for holidays which I did quite often. I didn't expect it nor would I have expected him not to see his family on Thanksgiving for example so he could be with me.

 

I think the real issue is that you are more committed to the relationship than he is. Do you speak concretely about marriage plans?

 

 

Well, I won't be alone, I'll be alone in our place/city, but I'll go home to my parent's place for the actual holiday. He'll be back for NYE, however two of his friends are getting married in Florida on NYE so he'll be going to that. I guess I could go, but I am reticent to submit to spending another important holiday with his friends and family on his terms.

 

I think there might be some confusion though. I'm not expecting him to not see his family on Christmas. He decided not to see his immediate family. He is going to his home country in Eastern Europe to spend it with his grandpa, his father, sister, etc all live in Canada (so do I). :)

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There are two issues here, one being the question of Christmas and the other being whether or not he wants to get married.

 

From your posts, it seems that he really isn't into the idea of marriage - full stop. If that's a life goal of yours, it seems that this guy isn't the one for you. If you'd be content to live together and just enjoy life together - then it all seems to be in place.

 

As for spending Christmas together... I'm trying to remember the last time I spent Christmas with a partner. It was years ago, and not something I normally do. The reason for this is because I only get to see my siblings en masse once a year so I spend it with my family; my guy's father is in his late 90's and really appreciates the company of his son - who unfailingly spends Christmas with him. This has no bearing whatsoever on my/our feelings about each other, the relationship or the future of the relationship.

 

However - that's just me. If the things you mention really are that important to you, and you feel as though your needs aren't being met in the relationship, then you need to sit back and take stock; ask yourself if the good parts of the relationship outweigh the disappointing ones and if they do, what you intend to do about it. Don't make any hurried decisions; it sounds as though you're feeling hurt, angry and resentful towards him at the moment and you need to be absolutely certain that any decisions you make aren't covertly designed to punish him.

 

Thanks for your advice. It's true I feel very resentful towards him. I really didn't want to have a long distance relationship. Most of my relationships have been long distance and I didn't want to repeat that mistake. When I met this guy we lived about an hour apart. He was talking about buying a house in our city, renovating his apartment, etc etc. I thought he was based in my city. Over the course of our relationship he started to spend less and less time in my country. Now he's officially a non-resident. There was no discussion about this decision beforehand. At first he said he could spend up to 6 months in Canada, now it's up to 3 months.

 

The fact is, he dislikes life in Canada. He prefers the general freedom of Eastern Europe. Of course he speaks the language and is immersed in the culture there. I don't have such a favourable experience when I visit. I speak three languages but his language is not one of them. The only "carrot" for me to move there is him. There are no opportunities for me in his country. I'm quietly furious that our happy relationship gradually slid into another LDR, and I feel he doesn't know or care much about what's important to me. I compromise a lot to fit into his lifestyle and I don't feel those compromises are reciprocated. Now he is saying if I don't like his country he couldn't care less if I ever come back. Nevermind that he's essentially moved there without me, without considering how I could legally live in any European country or if I even want to. And if I complain that I wasn't included in the decision, he uses his rich guy business man trump card: "It's my work!!" It's very frustrating to realize you've wasted years on somebody who can behave so flippantly about your mutual future.

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He spent a little time with your family last year, so that’s nice. A Few months does seem like a long time to be gone, is it for work? I don’t think this is something to get upset over. Everyone has families and it’s not fair to ask someone to not spend time with their family on a big holiday. When you get married and have kids maybe that’s a different story but until then don’t get upset about it. You live together for god sake‘s, enjoy the time apart. :-)

 

I think there's generally some confusion in this thread. Our families live about 1 hour apart and celebrate Christmas traditionally on different days. I never asked him to choose between me and his family. His family made plans for Christmas Eve last year, mine made plans for Christmas Day. This year he has chosen to go to another country where neither I nor his immediate family live. He will visit his Grandfather on the holiday. We spend quite a lot of time apart due to his travel bug, usually several months a year, in this case he's only been home for a month. He chooses when/where he wants to go.

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It's very frustrating to realize you've wasted years on somebody who can behave so flippantly about your mutual future.

 

I doubt those years are really wasted; things were probably right at the time, but now you're faced with a set of circumstances which you really haven't planned for. When you say

Now he is saying if I don't like his country he couldn't care less if I ever come back.
... has he actually said that, or is it something you feel he's saying by implication?

 

If he's genuinely told you, unambiguously, that he couldn't care less if you never come back... well, you know what to do. I'd also be very wary of moving to a place to please a partner if I wasn't sure that I could hold my own without him. This isn't anticipating a breakup, though that's a possibility, but acknowledging that none of us knows what the future holds and, say, he could walk under a bus the following day.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

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I doubt those years are really wasted; things were probably right at the time, but now you're faced with a set of circumstances which you really haven't planned for. When you say

... has he actually said that, or is it something you feel he's saying by implication?

 

If he's genuinely told you, unambiguously, that he couldn't care less if you never come back... well, you know what to do. I'd also be very wary of moving to a place to please a partner if I wasn't sure that I could hold my own without him. This isn't anticipating a breakup, though that's a possibility, but acknowledging that none of us knows what the future holds and, say, he could walk under a bus the following day.

 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

Yeah, he said it verbatim last night during an argument, but he has said it before too. I actually quietly left at 3am last night as he lectured me from the loft in our apartment about how he won't feel guilty for choosing to spend the holiday with his aging grandpa. Generally his response to my being upset about this has been to guilt me, lecture me, or get defensive, some understanding would go a long way for me but he is always super defensive about things and offended very easily.

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So what r u going to do?

 

The defensive, guilt tripping and tendency to lecture as if they were speaking to a child reminds me of an ex. I do not know why I stayed with him so long-should have cut him off way before I actually did.

 

You're 31, if you want marriage and kids and someone that respects you, I'd move on. Don't be staying in a deadend relationship.

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To be honest, it looks as though his decision to spend the holiday season apart is the least of your worries.

 

I'd use the time apart to grieve the relationship and let go. It would take a great deal of commitment on both sides to keep this relationship going, considering the geographical distance between you, and it clearly isn't there on his side. You can cause yourself a lot of misery and heartache, trying to hang on and keep things going in a situation like this, when your time would be better spent picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and starting over.

 

Really sorry to say...

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