Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 24

Thread: Angry over my bf's choice to spend Christmas apart

  1. #1
    Member stubbs35's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    under your bed, I'm creepy like that.
    Age
    31
    Posts
    50
    Gender
    Female

    Angry over my bf's choice to spend Christmas apart

    Well, I know it's a bit early for a Christmas thread, but here I am.

    My boyfriend and I have been together about 2.5 years. We moved in together really early, and have lived together for about 2 years. We travel frequently, and have had a lot of bonding experiences traveling the world together, but we also spend quite a bit of time apart. He is a dual citizen and has an office for his business in Europe, and generally travels frequently with or without me for work and because he wants to.

    The holidays have always been an important time for me. I've mostly had long-distance relationships in the past and resented being "alone" at family gatherings and parties. My boyfriend is not at all invested in the holidays, but whenever it comes up, he always chooses to spend time with his sister and her in-laws instead of me and my family. It should work out perfectly, since they are European they do Christmas on Christmas Eve, and my Canadian family does Christmas on Christmas day, but last year he went to her in-laws for Christmas Eve, then she decided to host a dinner on Christmas Day. So he came to my family's house in the morning (before dinner) for about an hour then went back to his sister's.

    He doesn't like her in-laws much, so he decreed (I thought jokingly) that he will ditch everyone and spend this year in his home country with his grandpa. His grandpa is the only remaining relative in his home country, everyone else lives in Canada.

    Well he is leaving on Thursday for two months and returning on December 26th. So we will be apart for the entire holiday season. I'm very upset and disappointed by this. I think it indicates that he isn't serious about me, doesn't view me as part of his future family and doesn't care about my preferences or what is important to me. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he makes me out to be some kind of witch that doesn't want him to spend time with his aging grandpa. We are 31 (me) and 36 (him) and I don't want to waste my time on a man who isn't going to marry me or seriously consider me the centre of his future family. Should I leave this now? I already feel like I compromise a lot to suit his schedule, travel lifestyle, preferences, et al.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    17,152
    I think you should focusing on the big picture, and not just the holidays. Have you spoken about marriage?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    9,681
    I'll honestly never understand childless couples who raise a stink over this. I'm married and we'll most likely be spending Christmas separately with our respective families again. We plan on milking that benefit until we do start a family and taking care of the kid requires we take turns with each other's families. As things are, it's great that it's so simple. I mean, more power to couples who come to that agreement even without a kid in the picture, but in cases where that's not a mutually preferred arrangement, I find it incredibly audacious, even hostile to have your partner choose between you and their family on what's arguably the biggest family holiday of the year in the conventionally Christian world.

    ETA: Also curious-- has he forbade you from joining him for Christmas if you'd like to?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    47,763
    I would not be alone for the holidays -I would if I were you start looking for volunteer opportunities on the holidays - that way you won't be alone and you will be contributing on days where many people are alone because of terrible circumstances plus you'll be acting within the spirit of the holidays. Also he will be back for NYE.

    When I had serious boyfriends we spent the holidays apart if both our families were doing important gatherings and if we couldn't do both because of geography. For 7 years I dated someone on and off who was not from our city so I was invited to go with him to his family for holidays which I did quite often. I didn't expect it nor would I have expected him not to see his family on Thanksgiving for example so he could be with me.

    I think the real issue is that you are more committed to the relationship than he is. Do you speak concretely about marriage plans?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member stubbs35's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    under your bed, I'm creepy like that.
    Age
    31
    Posts
    50
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think you should focusing on the big picture, and not just the holidays. Have you spoken about marriage?
    You are right, this is the biggest issue. I no longer think he is serious about the idea of marriage in the future. He has made a lot of jokes about not wanting to get married, or not believing in marriage. When I told him these jokes offended me he said he wasn't serious about them. But now we are at a point in our relationship where getting married would make sense for visa reasons, he is not viewing it as a legitimate option, and I think that has caused me to seriously question the relationship. I am viewing this holiday choice to be apart as evidence of the fact that he won't marry me.

    What should I say to him? How do I bring up the topic of marriage in a serious way?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    17,152
    I would be direct, just as you have been about the holidays.

    This is your future, and you do not want to waste anymore time, if you are not on the same page.

    I am thinking that you don't want to ask, because you know the answer.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by stubbs35
    You are right, this is the biggest issue. I no longer think he is serious about the idea of marriage in the future. He has made a lot of jokes about not wanting to get married, or not believing in marriage. When I told him these jokes offended me he said he wasn't serious about them. But now we are at a point in our relationship where getting married would make sense for visa reasons, he is not viewing it as a legitimate option, and I think that has caused me to seriously question the relationship. I am viewing this holiday choice to be apart as evidence of the fact that he won't marry me.

    What should I say to him? How do I bring up the topic of marriage in a serious way?
    Start with I want to be a mom and I want my children to have a father.
    If he isn't looking forward to that, being a husband and a dad, I don't believe there is anything else to Ľbribeę him with.

    Don't settle for little.
    Don't live a lie.

    Be honest with yourself.
    Expect honesty with him, or whoever you may meet in future.

    You deserve Love.
    What else is relationship if not glimpses of Love? A fake illusion.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    1,742
    Originally Posted by stubbs35

    <<snip>>

    He is a dual citizen and has an office for his business in Europe, and generally travels frequently with or without me for work and because he wants to.
    So, knowing this about him, you are now annoyed? Maybe he is not for you?

    As another poster asked, why don't you go with him for the holidays?

  10. #9
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    659
    Gender
    Female
    He spent a little time with your family last year, so thatís nice. A Few months does seem like a long time to be gone, is it for work? I donít think this is something to get upset over. Everyone has families and itís not fair to ask someone to not spend time with their family on a big holiday. When you get married and have kids maybe thatís a different story but until then donít get upset about it. You live together for god sakeĎs, enjoy the time apart. :-)

  11. #10
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    630
    Originally Posted by stubbs35
    I am viewing this holiday choice to be apart as evidence of the fact that he won't marry me.
    These are two separate things... just because he doesn't want to spend the holidays with your family doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you.

    And... you don't mention this, but how many times have you gone to be with him and his family? It seems like you expect him to accommodate you and your desires and are upset that he doesn't want to this year.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •