How long did it take you to reach indifference?

Hey all...

 

I know that healing is far from a linear process and impossible to predict a timeline - however, I'm just curious as to roughly how long it took others to reach the point of indifference and genuinely wish their ex a life full of happiness?

 

Bitterness and resentment are emotions I do not wish to harbour. I believe that negative feelings will only continue to intrude on my new life and my own happiness.

 

Backstory: 7 year relationship, engaged for 2; he had my replacement lined up before I moved out, they got married a short 9 months later. I am working on healing and have definitely improved my own mental health and well being. However, I still hold much anger, bitterness and resentment towards my ex. I try not to focus on this and am in strict No Contact. However, I did see him in person for the first time in over a year and I still very much had a physical reaction. I believe proper healing involves forgiveness and letting go of negative thoughts- but I cannot seem to get there when it comes to him. Anyone ever experience a similar situation?

 

 

Enotalone has been vital to my healing process. Thanks in advance!

I'm in the midst of reading the book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. In there it mentions that to the contrary, time does not heal all wounds. That it's what you do in that time that depends on how long it will take you to heal and move on. So what are you doing for yourself?

 

Get a new haircut, join a gym, socialize with friends....it sounds like you are not over the ex so I wouldn't say look to jump into a relationship, but date with the intent of just dating.......

 

Basically are you keeping busy? Part of my problem with a short relationship (mine, not yours), is I'm currently unemployed and on the job hunt. And unfortunately my mind wanders no matter how much I try to prevent it.

 

But, the moral is, keep busy, take care of yourself. You will move on one day, but it'll happen more quickly if you are practicing self care.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. I have gone no contact, I moved to an apartment with a girl my age, socializing every weekend, reconnecting with friends and family, changed my hair, got a new wardrobe... I work two jobs. The only thing I haven't tried is joining a gym, and I honestly would like to become more active and get healthier. Maybe that will be my next attempt. Just can't seem to get over this one or accept that it was supposed to be that way. I have that nagging feeling inside.

When you decide for yourself you're tired of letting emotions rule, and your mind wander, and you've had enough hurt, you will reach indifference. How long, anyone's guess. It varies. But know you'll get there. I'm one to hang on until my heart's had enough. When I reach that point, that's it. No looking back.

It took me about 9 months to reach something like indifference after my last breakup.

 

Relationship lasted three years, ended with her cheating on me with two people over a very fraught 5 month period. So, lot's to be hurt and angry about, and I was plenty hurt and angry.

 

I focused hard on doing things for me. Traveled a lot, eventually settled in another city. Reconnected with friends. Lot of self reflection, therapy. Whenever thoughts of bitterness surfaced, I'd give myself a moment to fully feel them—no fighting, no pretending they weren't there. But then I'd remind myself of where those thoughts were coming from, which was simple: our relationship had stopped working.

 

"It. Did. Not. Work." I'd kind of repeat that to myself, like a little mantra. Forget the lies, the ugliness, the fact that she was sleeping with someone else moments after we broke up—that was just noise, the sharp edges of the softer fact that we stopped working. Eventually, as so many other things in my life started working well, it was just simple that she and I did not. It wasn't mysterious anymore. It just...was.

 

Today I genuinely wish her well. There are wounds, for sure, but there isn't bitterness.

 

You'll get there—you're on the path.

 

You'll get there.

I'm in the same boat, OP. I am getting a divorce after almost 29 years of marriage (this Sunday, in fact). It has been 5 months since he's told me he wanted the divorce. I feel better because I recently took off the rose-coloured glasses and truly see/accept that he was simply a disrespectful, narcissistic and verbally/emotionally abusive person. That said, I feel anger, resentment and bitterness toward him. I detest feeling this way. I've been NC since then because I am disgusted with him and what he did. I wish, with all my heart, that he is miserable in the female arena. Immature? Ridiculous? Of course! But, it's how I feel right now. Sure, you can do all the things that the above posters suggested that you do, but I wake up every single morning harbouring these negative feelings. I do keep busy, but my mind wanders and I don't know how to stop it. It's like a poison that my body has to release before my mind can heal. Like you said, you cannot put a time frame on when it's going to happen. Everyone says that you and I will get there. I wholeheartedly believe them because they have been through it. I know it will happen one day but we have to simply hang in there for the moment. Be patient. When it's time, we'll know. Guess it's all part of the grieving process. We have to persevere and not give up, OK? Good luck to you. Hugs.

I was married to my 1st wife for three decades. Most of it, I found out way after, was filled with her infidelity.

 

I hate her to this day despite being divorced from her five years and remarried.

 

Why? She gave me HPV-based throat cancer.

 

So disinterested in my health and well-being on every level.

 

All the while hiding it with her "Susie Creamcheese" persona.

 

I don't think about it every day. But when the treatments are hitting me or I see my radiation-destroyed teeth, or my huge medical bills, yeah, I think of it.

 

No love lost for her at all.

 

I wish I never met her all those years ago. She has effectively ruined my health, my finances, and impacted my current marriage to boot.

 

She is not the type of person who gets harmed by HPV as I have been. She just is the kind that spreads it around acting like it's not her.

 

Indifferent? I guess not.

It most definitely depends on the ex, on the relationship, and on you. I definitely do NOT wish my ex husband a life full of happiness... I wish him a lifetime of guilt and shame for his behavior, that he be tormented every day with regret of his actions towards me, and that he be unhappy and miserable in every single relationship he has with a woman forever more.

 

I just blocked him on social media again because everything he says and does triggers a raging anger inside me (in case you couldn't tell haha)

 

He was an emotionally abusive, narcissistic a$$hole that was self-centered to the core of his being, and has done nothing to change his behaviors towards others.

 

I do however have other ex's that I am... not so much indifferent to, but more accepting of who they are. The father of my daughter is one... he is a good person and we get along well, we just weren't meant to be together at the time. My more recent ex from last year is another... good person, just not meant to be together. For me it has everything to do with the relationship and how we left things as to how easily I am able to let go.

It most definitely depends on the ex, on the relationship, and on you. I definitely do NOT wish my ex husband a life full of happiness... I wish him a lifetime of guilt and shame for his behavior, that he be tormented every day with regret of his actions towards me, and that he be unhappy and miserable in every single relationship he has with a woman forever more.

 

I just blocked him on social media again because everything he says and does triggers a raging anger inside me (in case you couldn't tell haha)

 

He was an emotionally abusive, narcissistic a$$hole that was self-centered to the core of his being, and has done nothing to change his behaviors towards others.

 

I do however have other ex's that I am... not so much indifferent to, but more accepting of who they are. The father of my daughter is one... he is a good person and we get along well, we just weren't meant to be together at the time. My more recent ex from last year is another... good person, just not meant to be together. For me it has everything to do with the relationship and how we left things as to how easily I am able to let go.

Thanks for your reply. You're likely very right about it depends on how the relationship ended. It was my first and only relationship.... but the fact that he replaced me without a flinch and married this chick without paying a dime (new supply has money).... I just dont think I'll ever be able to let the anger go. I know I'll move on but I dont think I will ever respect him. Thanks.

It most definitely depends on the ex, on the relationship, and on you. I definitely do NOT wish my ex husband a life full of happiness... I wish him a lifetime of guilt and shame for his behavior, that he be tormented every day with regret of his actions towards me, and that he be unhappy and miserable in every single relationship he has with a woman forever more.

 

I just blocked him on social media again because everything he says and does triggers a raging anger inside me (in case you couldn't tell haha)

 

He was an emotionally abusive, narcissistic a$$hole that was self-centered to the core of his being, and has done nothing to change his behaviors towards others.

 

I do however have other ex's that I am... not so much indifferent to, but more accepting of who they are. The father of my daughter is one... he is a good person and we get along well, we just weren't meant to be together at the time. My more recent ex from last year is another... good person, just not meant to be together. For me it has everything to do with the relationship and how we left things as to how easily I am able to let go.

 

OMG! I feel the same way, maew. I couldn't have put it better myself. There's been no contact at all since he told me about the divorce 5 months ago but what he did still enrages me to no end, even though I'm better off without him. Go figure. That said, OP, I imagine it all depends on a number of factors before you are able to reach the indifference stage. For me, it's been 5 months thus far and I am no where near indifference.

After almost a year since my breakup, and 9 months of very little interaction, I'm approaching 80-90% indifferent.

Depends on the person and their coping mechanisms and ability to be honest with themselves.

 

Any ill will towards an ex. You aren’t over it. Sometimes, people never get over exes, it’s sad but it’s true. Hate isn’t the opposite of love so if you hate your ex... and again many people straight up never get over it. So it is what it is.

 

I can tell you the worst way to recover and make sure you stay stuck is to villainize your ex. I can almost guarantee you will remain stuck.

 

We all have exes, they aren’t going to treat us the way they did when they were in love with us. Many times if we haven’t let go quite yet every action they take will feel like a stab in the back, an extreme, a betrayal. But they’re flawed human beings like you and I.

 

The best thing to do is not personalize it.

 

I’m sure we all have an ex that would say we hurt them.

 

Bitterness and hate is handing them power.

 

We all heal in our own ways on our own timelines, that includes what type of energy you put into healing you..

Im about 8 months out and markedly improved. So much so that I wrote her a letter apologizing for some of the ugly things I said when I found out she had moved on. I didn't send it but one day I will and I will sincerely wish her well.

 

Im expecting the whole process to take about a year although I think ill always hold a special place in my heart for her. Not necessarily a place that's filled with great memories but one of love lost and regret. I think the pain will just be subdued. Good luck to you.

After almost a year since my breakup, and 9 months of very little interaction, I'm approaching 80-90% indifferent.

 

Similar here - 7 months of proper NC, some LC before that - not totally indifferent, but enough to have zero urge to send a happy birthday last month - just a brief thought, immediately dismissed.

 

I don't think about it. It'll happen when it happens.

Barely two months into my current breakup. Full no contact. Don't feel that much better. However, when I got divorced 8 years ago I was feeling pretty good about a year after the split, definitely felt completely indifferent by then.

Natasha, it took me about four years, but I was with my ex for decades. You'll get there in your own time.

5 days ago I was "markedly improved". Yesterday and today it feels like it happened a month ago. It just goes to show you how wavelike and nonlinear this mess can be.

 

Im about 8 months out and markedly improved. So much so that I wrote her a letter apologizing for some of the ugly things I said when I found out she had moved on. I didn't send it but one day I will and I will sincerely wish her well.

 

Im expecting the whole process to take about a year although I think ill always hold a special place in my heart for her. Not necessarily a place that's filled with great memories but one of love lost and regret. I think the pain will just be subdued. Good luck to you.

1 year, now I don’t even know what to think about her, the phrase “somebody I used to know” maybe is true

After almost a year since my breakup, and 9 months of very little interaction, I'm approaching 80-90% indifferent.

 

For the last few days, I'd been thinking to myself, "Wow, I think I might actually be over it and be indifferent to it." I still think about her, but there's just.. almost no emotional investment there.

 

I'll give myself a bit more time before I try to think definitively on this, maybe a week or 3, but indifference sometimes reaches you when you don't expect. I've never been the type to jump the gun on my emotions or be impulsive, so I feel pretty good about this myself.

 

Healing happens. It really does.

Approximately 4 years and another woman, that was a "wife" material. After that, I would almost never think about her or think in nonsensitive way. I actually approached her to say "hi" and we had a short talk, no feelings at all.

 

To add: I am really sorry about your situation, but what helps the most - cutting the roots of your previous life. Changing environment, city, hobbies and at the same time - people. You eventually just forget your previous life and it feels like just a bad dream, that actually never happened. You progress, become a better You and finally understand that the ex is just a poor person - your are a much greater creature with so much more potential in your life.

It took me 4 years to completely feel nothing towards an ex at all. Either good or bad, just indifference. My definition of this is: just as much I would feel for a random stranger walking past by me.

For the last few days, I'd been thinking to myself, "Wow, I think I might actually be over it and be indifferent to it." I still think about her, but there's just.. almost no emotional investment there.

 

I'll give myself a bit more time before I try to think definitively on this, maybe a week or 3, but indifference sometimes reaches you when you don't expect. I've never been the type to jump the gun on my emotions or be impulsive, so I feel pretty good about this myself.

 

Healing happens. It really does.

 

Bumping the thread once again to give an update on this. Maybe someone will see this thread and take some insight from it.

 

No, I'm sure I'm not over it. It's been a very rough patch the last few days, with intermittent emotional thoughts the weeks beforehand. Even though I tried to be cautious (mostly in the way I behave, but also in how I feel about my emotional state), I gave myself a bit too much confidence because I want to be over it.

 

I'll give myself another year. A year has gone by already, so there's no rush, just need to focus and care about the things that are part of my present life and my future.

 

Healing happens, it really does, but it's fine if it takes a while.

Bumping the thread once again to give an update on this. Maybe someone will see this thread and take some insight from it.

 

No, I'm sure I'm not over it. It's been a very rough patch the last few days, with intermittent emotional thoughts the weeks beforehand. Even though I tried to be cautious (mostly in the way I behave, but also in how I feel about my emotional state), I gave myself a bit too much confidence because I want to be over it.

 

I'll give myself another year. A year has gone by already, so there's no rush, just need to focus and care about the things that are part of my present life and my future.

 

Healing happens, it really does, but it's fine if it takes a while.

 

I needed to see this. Thank you for posting. It seems we are in similar positions...thinking in terms of years. I didn’t see this coming when we first broke up.

I'm 8 months in after a 7 year relationship that was a marriage in all but name. I thought I was coping plausibly well, but the onset of winter has really been a set-back. Sundays in particular are the worse. I found myself tearing up last Sunday afternoon at the thought of all I've lost.

 

I fully expect it to take years to get over my trauma, or in fact I may never do so. But I'm actually nearly ok with that, as it is at least proof that my emotions were real.

 

Bottom line: no one should beat themselves up for taking however long it takes to recover - some people never recover. We are not robots.

Somedays the grief just hits unexpectedly again. Im glad to know I am not alone in taking my time. Its very confusing when the other person moved on immediately. I often used to wonder if there was something wrong with me... but I know that this just means I loved him very genuinely and deeply. Hopefully will love someone like that again someday.

Thanks for bumping