getting over an almost relationship

Hey everyone,

So I was seeing this guy for about a month. We never officially put a label on anything but he was pretty much my boyfriend. He had this amazing side to him that I borderline fell in love with. It was like my own Nicholas Sparks movie, lover of poetry, total sweetheart, funny, deeply connected to his religion, amazing taste in music, family guy, just overall really great. Over time however, things started popping up that really bothered me. He basically has two personalities, the guy I just described, and then a total childish jerk who was rude to my friends and would get really cold/distant for a little while before going back to normal. I ignored it at first because he made me more happy than anything else, but Friday was my last straw when he invited himself over, plopped himself on my bed and hardly spoke to me. Then he left to go back to his own dorm (note we are both 19 in college) and I went out with friends. Eventually I wanted to see him again so I asked him where he was and he sent me the room number, I walk in and it's him and a group of friends just playing video games, he was laying on the floor and didn't even acknowledge me until I said I was leaving and he said bye. Didn't hear from him again until he got back to his own room and he texted me "hey:)" as if everything was fine. I was honest with him then and told him that this other side of him bothered me, how he can be a total sweet picture perfect boyfriend one second and the next he turns into a sarcastic jerk who takes things way too far and disrespects my friends. I told him if something is bothering him he needs to just communicate that to me so I can at least know what's up and give him space. And then he got nasty and defensive with me and basically said it "bothers him" that I'm quiet once in a while and that I seem "unsociable" (not at all true, I have plenty of friends), but when I do socialize I go out with my roommate who he doesn't like. So he criticizes me for being "unsociable," but then judges me for going out with friends? Anyways, the conversation ended with me defending myself and saying if I'm too quiet for him then that's too bad I will not change myself for anyone. And it ended with him saying goodnight and that he'll have to "see" if this works out.

I haven't heard a word from him since, but I have seen him a few times around campus and he'll look at me but he won't say anything- granted I'm always with my friends and it's in passing. So I sent him a text this morning just basically saying even if this thing between us is over, I hope we can still be friends or at least on good terms because this is a small campus and we're bound to see each other almost every day. He opened that message immediately went out of his way to save it (it was via snapchat because his texting has been screwy this week, so you have to save messages if you don't want them to disappear), but he didn't respond. It hurts honestly that he couldn't even answer. I think what hurts most is the Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. There is that side to him that I absolutely adore and is everything I want in a guy, but then there is this other completely immature and insecure side that doesn't know how to process or communicate his emotions properly. I know his feelings for me haven't changed, but that almost makes it hurt more that he won't even try to make amends. At least if his feelings faded I could accept it and move on. At this point I wouldn't consider giving him a second chance unless he made some SERIOUS improvements, and even then probably not. But part of me still doesn't want to let go and wants him to fight for me or realize what he's losing. I'm not at all worried about another girl because he's such an awkward guy (I somehow always find the awkward and insecure ones, go figure). I know he's an ass and that these are major red flags, which is why I wouldn't want him back. But that just doesn't stop the hurt and the missing him and wishing he would reach out or wake up. We were only together for a month but I haven't connected with anyone that quickly in so long and I fell for him so hard and I know his feelings for me were genuine I think he's just too immature to process and handle them. He's never had a girlfriend before either. And I can honestly confidently say I did nothing wrong, I was never too clingy and never asked anything of him other than respect and communication in the end, I gave him my full support and effort when he probably didn't deserve it, so there is no reason the blame could be put on me other than I fell way too hard way too quickly. This post was mostly to vent but any kind advice on moving on or how to lessen the pain of an almost relationship would absolutely be appreciated.

hope19...Please break this down into paragraphs, as it's extremely difficult to read. This is also explained in the forum rules.

This is the guy who hates your roommate/best friend? The guy who has never had a girlfriend?

This is the guy who hates your roommate/best friend? The guy who has never had a girlfriend?

yep, if you saw my last thread my roommate was a major part of the issue and made him extremely uncomfortable, however I learned from others that he can be extremely hot and cold with others as well and take his "jokes" way too far. I originally thought it was just my roommate so I was giving it time but Friday night it was directed at me for the first time and I won't tolerate feeling disrespected or put down.

hope19...Please break this down into paragraphs, as it's extremely difficult to read. This is also explained in the forum rules.

Hi! Sorry I know, I tried to break it up after posting because I totally forgot to do paragraphs but the edit button has disappeared, is there any way I can still fix it?

It seemed like you were blaming your roommate but now you realize it's this guy's fault?

You have a 30 minute window only, in which you can edit.

It seemed like you were blaming your roommate but now you realize it's this guy's fault?

In that particular situation they were both at fault but I learned as of Thursday that she initiated the entire thing the first time they met when she gained up on him basically with her guy friend which made him uncomfortable with her from there on out. So while the way he treated her bothered me, I knew it was partly her fault as well. However this situation caused me to look closely at his behavior and she's not the only person he's like this with. He can be so hot and cold and according to my friend who is on the team with him he is the exact same way with them and gets in random moods where he will treat them poorly. What really caused me to end it though was the way he treated me on Friday night, barely acknowledging my existence after inviting himself into my room with his friend, leaving without saying goodbye, and then later when we met up it was the same story so by the time he texted me much later that night acting like nothing was wrong I had enough.

What one actress said when her relationship ended: How did I get over it? Time and girlfriends. The bad outweighed the good here. Just carry on with your friends and your studies. Say hi to him in passing but delete his number and remove him from all of your social media. You learned from this experience what you do and don't want in a relationship, just as you will from every future one. Keep on cutting loose the ones who don't meet all of your major needs so that you can be single when one who does comes along. You'll thank yourself for dating wisely.

What one actress said when her relationship ended: How did I get over it? Time and girlfriends. The bad outweighed the good here. Just carry on with your friends and your studies. Say hi to him in passing but delete his number and remove him from all of your social media. You learned from this experience what you do and don't want in a relationship, just as you will from every future one. Keep on cutting loose the ones who don't meet all of your major needs so that you can be single when one who does comes along. You'll thank yourself for dating wisely.

this was so nice to read, thank you so much

Hi hope, sorry this happened, but it sounds like it's for the best.

First thing's first, I would not suggest being friends. I find one of the main reasons we discuss being friends following a break-up is because there are still feelings involved and having that person as a friend at the very least helps us stay connected to them, as opposed to not having them in our life at all. It gives us a feeling of comfort.

Problem is, you still have feelings for this guy, so attempting to be friends with him right now is not something I'd recommend.

The best thing you can do right now is cut ALL contact. Don't communicate with him at all. The more you communicate with him, the longer it will take for you to get over the breakup.

Also, don't take his lack of response to your text message personally. Remember, he's going through the breakup too, and we all handle breakups differently. It might just be easier and better for him to deal with the breakup on his own, rather than reaching out to you, which in all honesty, is the way it should be. You two should not be communicating at all right now.

Just focus on yourself right now and do what makes you happy, whatever that may be.

Hi hope, sorry this happened, but it sounds like it's for the best.

 

First thing's first, I would not suggest being friends. I find one of the main reasons we discuss being friends following a break-up is because there are still feelings involved and having that person as a friend at the very least helps us stay connected to them, as opposed to not having them in our life at all. It gives us a feeling of comfort.

 

Problem is, you still have feelings for this guy, so attempting to be friends with him right now is not something I'd recommend.

 

The best thing you can do right now is cut ALL contact. Don't communicate with him at all. The more you communicate with him, the longer it will take for you to get over the breakup.

 

If he's as moody as you describe, it sounds like he might be going through something right now and may need some alone time to figure things out, whatever that may be. So best that you two take a break from each other right now.

 

Also, don't take his lack of response to your text message personally. Remember, he's going through the breakup too, and we all handle breakups differently. It might just be easier and better for him to deal with the breakup on his own, rather than reaching out to you, which in all honesty, is the way it should be. You two should not be communicating at all right now.

 

Just focus on yourself right now and do what makes you happy, whatever that may be.

Thank you for this, I try so hard not to take his lack of a response personally. After all if he truly didn't care I don't think he would have gone out of his way to save the message. I also truly believe he just has no idea how to communicate or handle his emotions and needs time to process. It just sucks missing and wanting someone you know doesn't deserve you. He was built into my every day schedule for a month and it hurts seeing him around campus but not walking with him or hanging out in his dorm or grabbing lunch or doing homework together. The selfish part of me just hopes he's hurting as much as I am.

Thank you for this, I try so hard not to take his lack of a response personally. After all if he truly didn't care I don't think he would have gone out of his way to save the message. I also truly believe he just has no idea how to communicate or handle his emotions and needs time to process. It just sucks missing and wanting someone you know doesn't deserve you. He was built into my every day schedule for a month and it hurts seeing him around campus but not walking with him or hanging out in his dorm or grabbing lunch or doing homework together. The selfish part of me just hopes he's hurting as much as I am.

No doubt he is hurting right now. I'd bet on it.

Remember, you're only 19. I know it's hard to see this right now, but you'll be meeting a lot of other men in your lifetime and you're going to meet some who will make this guy pale in comparison.

Try being OLD and been with a guy for over 5 years. He was Dr. Jeykl Mr. Hyde this whole time. He'd walk out and disapper for weeks. Usually 2. A few times 3. Only twice before was it a Month. Once it was a month because he was seeing someone else. So today it has been ONE month since we've been together. He came over last Sat. I was in bed. I wouldn't look at him and only answered briefly to questions. First time in 5 years that I actually rebuffed HIM. So he said goodbye...I said bye. And that was that.

Be glad it's only 1 month together,that you're missing now. 5 1/2 years as my best friend/enemy it's hard to move on. When we were seeing each other...it was daily. So yeah.

Dr. Jeykl Mr. Hyde personality...Hot/cold. Look it up. Sucks. But you're young...soon you will meet someone and you'll think.....WHO???

Relationships come and go, but the things you learn from them will remain. So while this chapter is over, your book still continues. This chapter seems like it was pretty disappointing all around. You both may have been trying to force the other person to fit into whatever you were expecting a significant other to be. But that you didn't actually fit each other. It is so much better when you find someone who actually fits.

Lesson learned. Everyone saw what you were blind to. Next time use common sense to date. If it seems "off", it is off and don't override it to make believe you're in a romance novel.

As mentioned in your "roommate" thread, most abusers have this veneer:

It was like my own Nicholas Sparks movie, lover of poetry, total sweetheart, funny, deeply connected to his religion, amazing taste in music, family guy, just overall really great.

No doubt he is hurting right now. I'd bet on it.

 

Remember, you're only 19. I know it's hard to see this right now, but you'll be meeting a lot of other men in your lifetime and you're going to meet some who will make this guy pale in comparison.

An update, he sent me this response at 2am last night that I woke up to:

"I’ve been thinking, I’m sorry for what I said. And after what I said and what you said plus the other things we talked about, I just don’t feel the same way anymore and I don’t want to hang on without any feelings and waste both of our time if we could be doing other things. But yes I want to be on good terms and be friends if possible but maybe not so fast if that makes sense. Like in a couple weeks after some time apart. But if you want to talk tomorrow in person please let me know, I’m really sorry"

what do you guys think of this? To me it was a bit relieving but also disappointing to have some closure. Although I don't see how his feelings could be gone after one day... my friend thinks it's a cover up and he's hurting but doesn't want to be unfair to me and doesn't want to show it. If the feelings were gone, why would he need time apart before we can be friends? I know this is for the best and I can't be with him while he is still this immature, but I do still care about him and selfishly want him to still care about me.

Thank you all for your responses, they've definitely taken a little bit of the weight off. I know I deserve better, I just need to get to the point of wanting better.

His feelings weren't gone after one day. It's not just about feelings -feelings can ebb and flow. It's about action. He doesn't want to take the actions consistent with developing a romantic relationship with you.

No you can't be friends for a few reasons. First he's not a good friend to you if he's jekyll/hyde. Second do you want to hear all about the women he's pursuing or dating? That is what friends talk about among other things. Friendly acquaintances? Sure, you see each other around, it will keep the peace.

I think by texting him something so personal you showed him you were not willing to discuss this in person and that is one reason he didn't respond right away. In the future if it's that important, text that you want to talk in person, then be really brave and talk directly and calmly so you're not waiting for a response. I do this in my marriage too as much as possible -wait to discuss things in person or if I feel the need to write it out I don't send it and maybe read it to him (done that a few times).

You took the risk of wanting to be with someone you knew lacked appropriate social skills. Somehow I think you like the challenge and to know you are superior socially. But this is also the downside. I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm not going to do the "only 19" - it depends on the people. One of my dear friend's daughters is 22, a married mom of two, first one born when she was 18 or 19. They are a mature loving couple and family. It depends.

He never had "feelings". It was all posturing to get in your pants. Yes, you should date a better class of guys and not get so caught up in some superficial image or fancy words. Or in this case be attracted to his cocky bs. Next time listen to people warning you that he's a jerk.

Read up on players, signs of abusers, red flags, etc. And next time avoid them no matter how much they put on a saintly show. This friend is wrong. He's not "hurting" he's just putting you on the back burner.

what do you guys think of this? I don't see how his feelings could be gone after one day.

Your ego is saying: I'm wonderful. Why didn't he treat me like the special person I am so I'd want to keep him in my life? Why isn't he kicking himself now that he's blown it with me? Why isn't he miserable that we're over?

You will never know what's going on his mind. His friend's can't speak for him. At this point in time, it's normal to speculate what's going on in his brain, but it really doesn't matter. Actions speak louder than words and he's now in your past.

I wouldn't respond to the text. I'd just wave at him, like I said before, in passing. That'll be your good terms.

Your ego is saying: I'm wonderful. Why didn't he treat me like the special person I am so I'd want to keep him in my life? Why isn't he kicking himself now that he's blown it with me? Why isn't he miserable that we're over?

 

You will never know what's going on his mind. His friend's can't speak for him. At this point in time, it's normal to speculate what's going on in his brain, but it really doesn't matter. Actions speak louder than words and he's now in your past.

 

I wouldn't respond to the text. I'd just wave at him, like I said before, in passing. That'll be your good terms.

I agree, he may care a lot but he doesn't know how to show it and I need someone who can show it along with expressing maturity. I care about him a lot and this hurts but I am thankful it happened sooner rather than later. I won't chase after anyone and right now I'm glad he wants space before being friendly because the wound is too fresh and I don't think I could handle going from what we were to nothing more than friends so soon.

I agree, he may care a lot but he doesn't know how to show it and I need someone who can show it along with expressing maturity. I care about him a lot and this hurts but I am thankful it happened sooner rather than later. I won't chase after anyone and right now I'm glad he wants space before being friendly because the wound is too fresh and I don't think I could handle going from what we were to nothing more than friends so soon.

He does know how to show it. He chooses not to. If he truly doesn't know how to show caring actions he wouldn't have any friends for example. And if he truly doesn't know "how" and really wanted to be with you he'd want to get the help he needs for what would be a very serious problem. I wouldn't tell myself that he cares in the abstract. Watch the feet -what he does -not the lips -what he says.

update: just saw him walking back from class and he smiled and waved/said hey so I'm definitely relieved that things aren't too awkward or uncomfortable to at least be friendly in passing

He never had "feelings". It was all posturing to get in your pants.

An understandable conclusion, but absolutely not the case for reasons I'm going to keep between us two.

update: just saw him walking back from class and he smiled and waved/said hey so I'm definitely relieved that things aren't too awkward or uncomfortable to at least be friendly in passing

Yes of course you can be friendly in passing! I think he cared about you and had feelings for you and those were not strong enough for him to be inspired to take the necessary actions and make the choices to be in a romantic relationship with you. He wants to be able to hang with his friends and play video games and he's not interested enough even to acknowledge when you walk into or out of the room that he invited you to. It's a choice on his part.