Paranoid or not a friend anymore?

Hello all!

I have a friend that I’ve been close to for about 25 years. She suffered from depression I was always there for her, her relationship break downs when no one else was. I have also helped her out financially when she couldn’t pay for bills (only a loan, she had to pay me it back at a later stage when she could) which was hard as I don’t like mixing money and friends but she was desperate. I also took her on holiday to get away from things again I paid but I didn’t mind. I only ever asked her to pay me back a little each month when she got a job and was secure in it. She got a job never paid me back until I kept mentioning it so eventually it all got paid back. She used to call me every night and I would always listen and be as supportive as possible....anyway now she is happy :) which I’m so glad!! She has a good job, loving boyfriend that does everything for her and her very own apartment. It’s nice to see her happy. I now am suffering for mental health issues due to an abusive relationship, I have no friends, no job, living back with my parents and single. This friend now never asks to meet up, never calls, I got broken in to a few days a go and messaged her that I was scared as my parents were away on holiday. Her response was “oh dear”. Nothing else! Not even a call to see if I was ok! She constantly says she “too busy” to meet or anything else. It’s like she has gave up on our friendship now that she is happy. Should I forget her? Or am I being paranoid? I don’t expect her to meet up all the time I haven’t seen her in 8 months and I never expect her to call much but just a quick “hey you ok” would be nice just to show she cared.

As for me, I only put in equal efforts with a friend, and if she fades away, I let it happen as I surmise she's no longer interested in maintaining the friendship. On your part, don't ever rely on one friend as your sole social outlet. The person might end up feeling smothered. You can always join a meetups.com group if you want something to occupy your time and to meet new people. Doing volunteer work will also help you to move your attention away from your own problems--when you see the look of gratitude on others faces, you can't help but feel better than you did before the experience. Take care.

It sounds like you could have a fair-weather friend on your hands, Cinderella - she only goes out of her way to be a friend to you, or be in your life, when it's advantageous and/or convenient for her.

I wouldn't bother initiating any communication with her right now and focus on making new friends.

There's no point in investing in a friendship if the effort isn't reciprocated.

Let her make the effort and come to you and see how you're doing. Even then, if she does reach out, I'd still be wary.

She only seems to be concerned with herself right now, not how you're doing or the state of your friendship.

I've had that happen to me and I just let it go. I dont chase former friends trying to get them to be my friend when I can see that they have moved on from me. It stinks that people do that, but it's a very real occurrence.

Move on from her, find new friends, try not to ever have just one friend who you depend on or get in too thick with.

A big question is, does her boyfriend like you? If the answer is no then you probably won't see her that much. I've experienced this many times... If I really didn't like one of my girlfriend's friends then I'd tell my girlfriend that I didn't like that person. Generally she would start to take my side over time and focus on the negative parts of that friend's personality. I definitely regret doing this but at the time I was very selfish and I wanted my girlfriend's time on my terms and I didn't want anyone I didn't like getting in the way of our time together.

Your friend is a selfish taker, not a giver. I would say she's an emotional vampire. She sucked all the good energy from you and transferred it to herself. It's too bad but there's a lot of people like that out there. I'm afraid you're on your own.

Unfortunately you created a one-way situation. She doesn't "owe" you anything, since you established that kind of one-way dynamic. It would be best not to over indulge people like this. Try to make more reliable and healthy friends. Do not depend on her for anything, you unfortunately never did and this is no different. The only difference is you are not indulging her and sadly you need a friend now and she's never really been a friend.

It’s like she has gave up on our friendship now that she is happy. I never expect her to call much but just a quick “hey you ok” would be nice just to show she cared.

meetups.com

Just a quick note that it is meetup.com

What I think happened also is that she doesn't want you to interact with her boyfriend and even unintentionally reference what a mess she was in the past -she wants to erase that part. Reminds me of a "friend" I had in grad school who complained to me about her boyfriend all the time (and I found him arrogant) but when he finally proposed she shunned me. And no I did not say anything negative about him or try to discourage her from marrying him -I listened and of course validated/supported as needed. I know it's a little different for you but same idea of going off into the sunset in her now perfect life and you're a reminder of when it wasn't. Sorry you are going through this!