How to really love myself

The abbreviated story is I have sexual abuse in my past, as well a mother who was an alcoholic who was and still can be verbally and emotionally abusive.

I was separated in 2009 and divorced in 2010. I met the 1st good guy to treat me well in 2012, but I never realized I was very insecure and pushed him away cuz I didn't believe I deserved the happiness he was bringing me. I then went crazy and chased him.

After that I dug deep and worked on my self esteem. I had two other relationships with men and did well in the relationships until the break ups when my abandonment issues kicked in.

The last break up was in 2014 and at that time I thought I decided to take a break from dating because I was a single mom with a full time job going to school part time and had just purchased a home. In the 2 years to follow I was in a deep depression and had gained a lot of weight.

What I realized this year was I took a break cuz my dating causes issues in my codependent relationship with my mother.

This year I met a woman and we dated for a brief time. She gave me red flags, but I got caught up in the excitement of dating my 1st woman. I ended things for all the right reasons, then my abandonment issues once again kicked in. I asked for another chance, she said yes, then ended things. It's 4 months since everything happened and my mind still thinks of her, although I'm not in emotional pain.

Through dating her I set better boundaries with my mom because once again she had an issue with my dating and was pulling her passive aggressive crap. My mom and I didn't speak for a few months and I'm proud of myself. When she quit drinking she never sought spiritual recovery and is a very unhappy person. When I look at me compared to her, I'm in a great place emotionally.

This was my first time ending a relationship, but as you see I couldn't stick to it. I end up with a tremendous fear I'll never find someone. I also take rejection as an indictment of my character.

I've done affirmations, and in my head I know I'm a great person. But how do I feel that in my heart where it matters!? I tell myself I don't give a bleep what people think, but I don't believe it deep down.

I don't want to be perfect or indestructible, I know that's not possible. But I'd love to get myself to a place where I can accept the end of relationships.

Logically i know anyone can leave at any time for any reason.

How can I get my confidence to where it should be. I've lost the weight I had gained, and I'm working on losing more. I have wonderful friends and family, so a great support network. I always practice gratitude and remain positive...but my self esteem isn't where I'd like it to be.

Have you sought therapy?

It seems that you are making progress, even though it doesn't feel that way. Yes, that old fear does rear its ugly head from time to time. I think it gets programmed into our core to some extent. But you can do things to mitigate its effects.

One of the most effective things, I have found, is to minimize your contact with negative people and seek out only positive relationships. And you have been doing this. But don't neglect the development of a positive relationship with yourself.

I see that you are discouraged because you ended a relationship but didn't stick to it. Instead of berating yourself for going back, limit your focus to what you did right. You did something right, then you made a mistake soon after. Big deal. The mistake really just confirms the correctness of your first decision, after all.

When you learn to walk, you fall down. A lot. But then you learn to walk. So, don't give up.

I have seen an LSCW in the past. Once I have health insurance I'd like to see a psychologist.

Have you sought therapy?

I'm trying hard to work on my relationship with myself. That's definitely what needs the most work. I'm a great person, I am a great friend, mother, daughter, sister (although again I struggle with my relationship with my mom).

So I didn't sleep well last night, and what I think I came up with early this morning was the fact that my mom is a very unhappy person. For so long, I've felt responsible for her happiness. My Dad died in 2011, my brother moved across the country in 2012. My mom isolated herself from everyone but me. So I've felt responsible for her happiness. And if I were to be happy, I'd feel guilty. Its as though deep down inside I don't think I deserve happiness because my Mom's not happy, although I know logically I'm not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. And so my memory clings to a short lived, unhappy relationship in order to prevent me from moving on.

When I thought about it this morning, it really made a lot of sense to me. My relationship with my mom is codependent, but I've worked on setting better healthier boundaries this year. But there's always something deep down inside doubting what I deserve.

I also realized in late June that this woman I dated is an educated/career version of my mother. So while she is not as crazy on the same level, they have very similar personalities. No friends (the woman I dated had only one long term friend, all of her other friends are from her current job which she has only held two years). She sleeps a lot but complains of being tired. She spends money she can't afford to spend. And the list can go on and on. She actually cheated on me before we had a chance to get started, but waited until I got to FL to date her to tell me. That final Monday when I decided to end things, she was saying "I'm not making excuses, but I was in recreational sex mode, it was as if you played cards with someone you just met." When I tried to articulate how her minimizing it didn't make me feel any better and I needed us to be on the same page, she went right to being the victim. "Every time I start to feel better, you remind me how much I suck." I never said she sucked, I never said anything negative, I was trying to explain through text how her being non chalant about it was making it worse for me rather than better. When she started to feel sorry for herself I asked if I could call her, she said no, she was at work.

That night instead of calling me so we could talk, she told me not to reply as she got her thoughts out. She then proceeded to send me texts and screen shots for over 30 minutes, for an issue I knew we could resolve quickly with a phone call. When I tried calling, she sent me to VM. Then my abandonment kicked in, and I tried calling more, and she just kept sending me to VM.

Oh, and she's a therapist with her masters, so she's a counselor.

And she had told me her husband wasn't allowed to introduce their 8 year old daughter to anyone he dates because he falls in love quickly. But she introduced me to her daughter on DAY ONE. (We had spoken on the phone for 6 weeks before I came down to date her).

And the list of her craziness goes on and on.

It seems that you are making progress, even though it doesn't feel that way. Yes, that old fear does rear its ugly head from time to time. I think it gets programmed into our core to some extent. But you can do things to mitigate its effects.

 

One of the most effective things, I have found, is to minimize your contact with negative people and seek out only positive relationships. And you have been doing this. But don't neglect the development of a positive relationship with yourself.

 

I see that you are discouraged because you ended a relationship but didn't stick to it. Instead of berating yourself for going back, limit your focus to what you did right. You did something right, then you made a mistake soon after. Big deal. The mistake really just confirms the correctness of your first decision, after all.

 

When you learn to walk, you fall down. A lot. But then you learn to walk. So, don't give up.

I have seen an LSCW in the past. Once I have health insurance I'd like to see a psychologist.

 

 

I'm trying hard to work on my relationship with myself. That's definitely what needs the most work. I'm a great person, I am a great friend, mother, daughter, sister (although again I struggle with my relationship with my mom).

 

So I didn't sleep well last night, and what I think I came up with early this morning was the fact that my mom is a very unhappy person. For so long, I've felt responsible for her happiness. My Dad died in 2011, my brother moved across the country in 2012. My mom isolated herself from everyone but me. So I've felt responsible for her happiness. And if I were to be happy, I'd feel guilty. Its as though deep down inside I don't think I deserve happiness because my Mom's not happy, although I know logically I'm not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. And so my memory clings to a short lived, unhappy relationship in order to prevent me from moving on.

 

When I thought about it this morning, it really made a lot of sense to me. My relationship with my mom is codependent, but I've worked on setting better healthier boundaries this year. But there's always something deep down inside doubting what I deserve.

 

I also realized in late June that this woman I dated is an educated/career version of my mother. So while she is not as crazy on the same level, they have very similar personalities. No friends (the woman I dated had only one long term friend, all of her other friends are from her current job which she has only held two years). She sleeps a lot but complains of being tired. She spends money she can't afford to spend. And the list can go on and on. She actually cheated on me before we had a chance to get started, but waited until I got to FL to date her to tell me. That final Monday when I decided to end things, she was saying "I'm not making excuses, but I was in recreational sex mode, it was as if you played cards with someone you just met." When I tried to articulate how her minimizing it didn't make me feel any better and I needed us to be on the same page, she went right to being the victim. "Every time I start to feel better, you remind me how much I suck." I never said she sucked, I never said anything negative, I was trying to explain through text how her being non chalant about it was making it worse for me rather than better. When she started to feel sorry for herself I asked if I could call her, she said no, she was at work.

 

That night instead of calling me so we could talk, she told me not to reply as she got her thoughts out. She then proceeded to send me texts and screen shots for over 30 minutes, for an issue I knew we could resolve quickly with a phone call. When I tried calling, she sent me to VM. Then my abandonment kicked in, and I tried calling more, and she just kept sending me to VM.

 

Oh, and she's a therapist with her masters, so she's a counselor.

 

And she had told me her husband wasn't allowed to introduce their 8 year old daughter to anyone he dates because he falls in love quickly. But she introduced me to her daughter on DAY ONE. (We had spoken on the phone for 6 weeks before I came down to date her).

 

And the list of her craziness goes on and on.

The ex sounds like a train wreck.

How old is your mother? Is she incapable of caring for herself? You need to pull back on the time spent together. You are in a co dependent relationship. Good on you for recognizing. Check out CODA.

The abbreviated story is I have sexual abuse in my past, as well a mother who was an alcoholic who was and still can be verbally and emotionally abusive.

 

I was separated in 2009 and divorced in 2010. I met the 1st good guy to treat me well in 2012, but I never realized I was very insecure and pushed him away cuz I didn't believe I deserved the happiness he was bringing me. I then went crazy and chased him.

 

After that I dug deep and worked on my self esteem. I had two other relationships with men and did well in the relationships until the break ups when my abandonment issues kicked in.

 

The last break up was in 2014 and at that time I thought I decided to take a break from dating because I was a single mom with a full time job going to school part time and had just purchased a home. In the 2 years to follow I was in a deep depression and had gained a lot of weight.

 

What I realized this year was I took a break cuz my dating causes issues in my codependent relationship with my mother.

 

This year I met a woman and we dated for a brief time. She gave me red flags, but I got caught up in the excitement of dating my 1st woman. I ended things for all the right reasons, then my abandonment issues once again kicked in. I asked for another chance, she said yes, then ended things. It's 4 months since everything happened and my mind still thinks of her, although I'm not in emotional pain.

 

Through dating her I set better boundaries with my mom because once again she had an issue with my dating and was pulling her passive aggressive crap. My mom and I didn't speak for a few months and I'm proud of myself. When she quit drinking she never sought spiritual recovery and is a very unhappy person. When I look at me compared to her, I'm in a great place emotionally.

 

This was my first time ending a relationship, but as you see I couldn't stick to it. I end up with a tremendous fear I'll never find someone. I also take rejection as an indictment of my character.

 

I've done affirmations, and in my head I know I'm a great person. But how do I feel that in my heart where it matters!? I tell myself I don't give a bleep what people think, but I don't believe it deep down.

 

I don't want to be perfect or indestructible, I know that's not possible. But I'd love to get myself to a place where I can accept the end of relationships.

 

Logically i know anyone can leave at any time for any reason.

 

How can I get my confidence to where it should be. I've lost the weight I had gained, and I'm working on losing more. I have wonderful friends and family, so a great support network. I always practice gratitude and remain positive...but my self esteem isn't where I'd like it to be.

Affirmations don't work; fire is hot, fire is hot does not make us feel warm when we're sick and cold.

We're not as great as we think. I think your personal growth is not you, but your children.

Seek friendship. Your children need a good father figure and no woman can give that. Put your child first. When you meet someone seek father traits, for they do not come only in your life, but also in a life of a child.

I think this is your path. And I can be wrong. If something make sense to you, only you will know.

My mom will be 62 soon, she's 20 years older than me and I just turned 42. She can physically care for herself. She's bipolar and I'm pretty sure not on her medicine. She basically sits around her house feeling sorry for herself most of the time. In the past if I asked her questions that made her upset or uncomfortable she would just shut down, and I never pushed because I didn't want to upset her. This year we didn't speak or see one another for over two months because I needed that time to realize my life is about me, not making her happy. It's impossible to make someone else happy. So this year is about me setting better boundaries. When I got involved with the woman, we met a few times in person but we were from different states so we ended up talking on the phone a lot. After my MBA graduation my mom took me to the Finger Lakes in NY and I would talk to the woman every day. During the trip my mom made passive aggressive comments several times. So that's when I stopped talking to her. She freaks out when I get close to someone romantically. I know deep down inside she's afraid of losing me, as if I'm going to find a romantic partner and forget I have a mother. But knowing that's what drives her action does not make her action ok.

Have you sought therapy?

The ex sounds like a train wreck.

 

How old is your mother? Is she incapable of caring for herself? You need to pull back on the time spent together. You are in a co dependent relationship. Good on you for recognizing. Check out CODA.

Affirmations don't work; fire is hot, fire is hot does not make us feel warm when we're sick and cold.

 

We're not as great as we think. I think your personal growth is not you, but your children.

 

Seek friendship. Your children need a good father figure and no woman can give that. Put your child first. When you meet someone seek father traits, for they do not come only in your life, but also in a life of a child.

 

I think this is your path. And I can be wrong. If something make sense to you, only you will know.

Thanks for the advice, but my son is grown. He is 20 and has a father. Also we live in different states, so until he moves here next year he wouldn't be involved with anyone I meet romantically. But yes I was divorced in 2010 and only had a few short relationships since then, they were with men and my son only met them after a few months. My son was the holy grail and I would never be the mother that has a revolving door of suitors meeting her kid.