Am I being unreasonable?

My mom and step dad are adopting their great grandson. The child will be left to me and my husband when they are gone and become my child. I have requests about his upbringing for my mother. It would be something she would have to participate in and put effort into. I already approached the subject and I am getting resistance.

I'm sorry. I haven't been following all of your posts. Why are your mom and stepdad doing this, and is this your child they're adopting? What is the reason they're doing this?

You are going to have to be more specific about the request.

Yes I am confused too. Why is this happening and how old is the child?

I'm sorry. I haven't been following all of your posts. Why are your mom and stepdad doing this, and is this your child they're adopting? What is the reason they're doing this?

No, not my child. Their great grandson. My niece had a baby when she was 15 and the baby’s father was 14. My niece has intellectual disability due to having a stroke as an infant . And the father has a developmental disability . My great nephew is now 14 months old and was taken into care of CAS a month ago . My mom and her husband who is the child’s biological great grandfather. When they pass away this child becomes mine . I am the only family member capable of taking him. His own grandmother ( my step sister ) has 6 children of her own. Her siblings don’t want to take him. My brother doesn’t want another child as he has 3. I am the only family member willing to take him upon my mother’s passing.

My own biological child is 21.

My request is that the child is baptized and sent to a Catholic school as we are a Catholic family,my husband and our son and myself.

That sounds extremely reasonable especially if the child is already Christian. And it is very generous of you and loving and caring to accept this responsibility and child.

That sounds extremely reasonable especially if the child is already Christian. And it is very generous of you and loving and caring to accept this responsibility and child.

No, the child has no religion and neither does my mom. She left the Church 50 years ago.

Could you offer to be the godparent and take the child to church with you? Your mom might not be interested in being part of the church again, maybe you could take on that part. And deal with the school when the time comes.

Could you offer to be the godparent and take the child to church with you? Your mom might not be interested in being part of the church again, it you could take on that part.

No, I can’t. I live 3 hours away. I only visit every 2 months or so for a weekend. And part of that weekend is spent with my in-laws too.

Are your folks resisting putting him in catholic school, making sure he gets to church or both? How old is he?

Are your folks resisting putting him in catholic school, making sure he gets to church or both? How old is he?

Right now he is 14 months old. I want him to start school in a Catholic school. I brought it up with my mom and she has excuses already.

Right now he is 14 months old. I want him to start school in a Catholic school. I brought it up with my mom and she has excuses already.

What excuses? Do you mean she doesn't want him in Catholic school? He's only a babe so you have lots of time to get her on board. I think the least she can do is get him started in the school you'd like to see him in and then he can decide when he's old enough if he wants to continue on in that direction.

I am curious as to know why your mom is balking at that request.

I think it is a completely reasonable request, especially since you were raised in the church. However, if they don’t want to to it, they will just not. They may even give you a little lip service and then go right back to not doing anything. I also would find that frustrating, but other than arranging a baptism and maybe offering to pay for school, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

What excuses? Do you mean she doesn't want him in Catholic school? He's only a babe so you have lots of time to get her on board. I think the least she can do is get him started in the school you'd like to see him in and then he can decide when he's old enough if he wants to continue on in that direction.

 

I am curious as to know why your mom is balking at that request.

My mom is very stubborn about HER way . She also has an animosity for Catholicism. She was raised a very very strict Catholic but left the Church shortly after I was born. She hated religion would be keep her tied to my abusive nut case father. She hates organized religion but believes in God.

I just feel if the child is going to be my child I would like my requests honoured too.

I think it is a completely reasonable request, especially since you were raised in the church. However, if they don’t want to to it, they will just not. They may even give you a little lip service and then go right back to not doing anything. I also would find that frustrating, but other than arranging a baptism and maybe offering to pay for school, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

I wasn’t raised a Catholic. I was baptized one as a four week old infant and that was pretty much it . I came to Catholicism has an adult. My husband and my son are cradle Catholics though .

And my stepdad hates Catholicism more than my mother does .

My mom is very stubborn about HER way . She also has an animosity for Catholicism. She was raised a very very strict Catholic but left the Church shortly after I was born. She hated religion would be keep her tied to my abusive nut case father. She hates organized religion but believes in God.

 

I just feel if the child is going to be my child I would like my requests honoured too.

Hopefully she'll be more open to it when he's school age and she can at least get him started there where they will do the religious teaching and then when you have him, you can get him into going to church with you as a habit.

In the meantime, gentle reminders now and then perhaps.

Hopefully she'll be more open to it when he's school age and she can at least get him started there where they will do the religious teaching and then when you have him, you can get him into going to church with you as a habit.

 

In the meantime, gentle reminders now and then perhaps.

I guess it will have to be that way. But she needs to make a trade off with me as I will handing away a retirement I have been super excited about.

Perhaps a middle path here it's agreed she will not raise him with anti religious sentiment and you will not raise him on a religious path?

If he is raised with love and tolerance, he'll be miles ahead and will be able to objectively choose his own beliefs as he grows up.

How does it work (I don't know, not Catholic) if he doesn't go to a catholic school and comes to you as a teenager, let's say. Since you came to it as an adult (I get that you were baptized so I take it that as an adult was when you started believing/practicing) then can't you sort of make up for lost time and get him involved then? Maybe it doesn't work that way, just trying to find a middle ground. Also if he doesn't go to Catholic does that mean he would go to a public school (asking because I assume Catholic involves tuition, etc.).

Perhaps a middle path here it's agreed she will not raise him with anti religious sentiment and you will not raise him on a religious path?

 

If he is raised with love and tolerance, he'll be miles ahead and will be able to objectively choose his own beliefs as he grows up.

If I don’t raise him on religious path he will be at odds with his brother . And while my mother won’t give him any non-religious sentiment I can’t guarantee my stepfather or my brother . Because they won’t make that agreement with me . Both are very vocal anti-religion . In fact my stepdad used to make fun of us until I told him to stop it because it was painful to our feelings . And my brother is so anti-religious he foams at the mouth when it’s brought up .

How does it work (I don't know, not Catholic) if he doesn't go to a catholic school and comes to you as a teenager, let's say. Since you came to it as an adult (I get that you were baptized so I take it that as an adult was when you started believing/practicing) then can't you sort of make up for lost time and get him involved then? Maybe it doesn't work that way, just trying to find a middle ground. Also if he doesn't go to Catholic does that mean he would go to a public school (asking because I assume Catholic involves tuition, etc.).

Going to Catholic school here is free because they traded in taking any child for getting public funding . That happened the year before my husband started high school . So to go to Catholic school for him would be free except for uniforms which I would pay for. But if he comes to me as a teenager with no religious instruction whatsoever without a doubt most likely he will not want to be religious in any sense . And he will of been talked out of it by many many many people . And our religion is an enormous part of our life . My son is very devout .

We go to mass every Sunday. I sing in the church choir . I am in the Catholic women’s league , my husband is in the Knights of Columbus and he serves as a lector and communicant. My son serves as an usher.

Not to mention it’s going to be difficult to raise a child that’s not been raised by me . I know my mother raised me but I am not her . And my mom is very good person and without a doubt will raise him to be a good person . But she and I have some very different ideas about many things .

Well, since the child is going to be in your parents' care until they pass away, I don't see why you should have any influence over how they're going to raise the child. I think your other fears are just fears and not founded. I don't see how he would be difficult to raise if you don't raise him. And certainly people who aren't raised with religion may actually be hungry for religion when they get older. And if you get him at 5 or 10 years old, I'm sure you can bring him to Mass with you and teach him about the religion. I don't see how even a 12 or a 13 year old is going to be debating your son about his religion. I think you're worrying about nothing and you're causing trouble within the family over nothing. You don't need to be an infant to be indoctrinated into a religion. And people will decide later in life to either stay in it or to move on. So I suggest you wait until the situation presents itself before making a fuss.