My partner has been 'sexting cheating'

Hi, this is the first time I've posted on one of these forums so bear with me!

Me and my partner have been together 10 years this month. We're best friends and have a really strong relationship in that we are a great team and 'the love of each others lives', unable to imagine a future without each other, yada yada. We're joined at the hip practically, but something happened a few weeks ago that has pretty much made me question everything. First some context...

A few years ago, we moved across the country as my partner was doing a phd, so we moved closer to the university he was studying at. The phd really made him depressed, it ruined his confidence as he felt overwhelmed and I suppose not good or smart enough for the position. He was really, desperately unhappy for most of the 3 years. We also stopped having sex for some time. We spoke about it on a number of occasions quite openly and kind of agreed that we were going through a dry spell but things had been too stressful so things would get better after the phd was done. We never stopped being touchy-feely though. We've always cuddled and kissed lots and spend all of our time together.

We recently moved back home after he completed the phd and he started a new job. Unfortunately his job turned out to be not exactly what he thought it would be and this just made his mood worse.

A few weeks ago I received a bunch of messages on facebook messenger from him. When I opened them I was totally shocked to see that they were kinky messages meant for another woman. Something along the lines of 'Hey sexy, you look amazing babe, loving the view from here. You're such a tease, i'd love to be there teasing you now'. I was absolutely devastated. He's never cheated before on me or anyone before me, he never really looks at other people or flirts, and he also never says things like 'sexy' or 'babe'. He calls me 'baby' or 'honey' but always has. It was just so gross, I felt sick and totally destroyed.

I confronted him and he absolutely broke down. He was so upset and anxious he at one point threw up. I've never seen him so distraught before.

It turns out, he has been using different chat/dating apps to speak with various women over the last couple of years, stopping for a period at certain points. I checked up on his app history as this is linked to our computer and he's installed and uninstalled the apps various times. These are times when he says 'things went too far (ie he felt guilty for the sexual stuff) and so I got rid of all the apps and stopped using them'. The problem was, he kept going back and reinstalling them, speaking to different women, never the same ones as before. He says a lot of the time it was just chatting, he just wanted to chat to someone who didn't know him and basically pretend to be someone else, I think.

I asked for details... how far did it go, how often did it become sexual? 4 women masturbated for him on webcam, one of them twice as he spoke to her for a few months. Obviously he will have received nudes from these women too. He has sworn he never sent nudes of himself or video, and I do actually believe him on that one. He also never met one of these women in person, they are all from abroad.

He was so sorry, ashamed and guilty. He could barely explain his actions and did not in any way excuse them. He says the problem has never been with us as a couple, it is with him and it's something he needs to fix because this never should have happened and I never should have been put through this.

He's now been to the doctor, who prescribed anti-depressants and signed him off work for 3 weeks as 'unfit to work'. He's going to go and see a therapist as well. He is truly sorry, I do believe that.

I feel like I've lost the man I knew. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat physically as he just is not that person, but how has he cheated by sexting for so long? He knows it's not acceptable but has done it anyway. I think he has been lost, started something and pushed it too far, but every so often has had a bit of sense to get rid and stop, but then has gone back when he's gotten down again.

I'm trying to forgive him because he's the most important thing to me and I don't want to lose such an amazing relationship over this. But how can I ever forgive him?

He was so sorry, ashamed and guilty. He could barely explain his actions and did not in any way excuse them. He says the problem has never been with us as a couple, it is with him and it's something he needs to fix because this never should have happened and I never should have been put through this.

Its good that he's getting therapy for it and to figure out why he allowed this to progress as far as it did. The fact that he kept trying to end it all by deleting the apps and then re-installing them when the urges took over is telling.

How can you ever forgive him? By realizing that it was an addiction, that he's getting help for it and that he was very remorseful for hurting you like he has. If he wasn't remorseful and refused to get treatment, then I could see why you couldn't forgive him.

Up to you what you do after lots of introspection but keep in mind some of the positives he's doing to keep you.

Welcome to ENA.

Secondly, I am so sorry you're going through this.

This is about betrayal. He might have been depressed, he might have felt something was lacking, he also might have been stressed...but he chose to use all those reasons as an excuse to cheat on you.

This was indeed cheating, make no mistake about that. He was intimate with these women, he shared very personal parts of himself with them and he did this behind your back.

If it was a one time thing, possibly I would say it was repairable, but he was a serial cheater, you can't fix that.

The trust has ultimately been broken. I don't believe therapy can change that.

My advice to you is, take care of yourself. Find a good divorce lawyer.

If it was a one time thing, possibly I would say it was repairable, but he was a serial cheater, you can't fix that.

This is a union of many years and not just a short term boyfriend wherein they have nothing invested but their emotions. (if that were the case, I would agree) There are plenty of addicted people that have overcome their penchants. The very fact that he is showing the amount of remorse he is, is a positive that he will be able to overcome.

How awful for you, OP.

He has been leading a secret life for at least a couple years, which is a long time. Given that your intimate life with him has also evidently declined a lot, this discovery must be particularly hurtful. If it were a one-time episode, I might be willing to try to work on things. But that's not what you have here. You have a long period of active deception and betrayal of trust. The man who you thought your best friend and love of your life was treating you like anything but. Of course he's upset he got caught; he's embarrassed and he knows how much he has hurt you. Maybe it's an addiction (though I doubt it) or maybe he's been over the relationship for quite some time and didn't have the fortitude to break up with you.

Would I find it in my heart to forgive him someday? Perhaps. Would I continue this relationship? Absolutely not.

Sorry to hear this happened. Unfortunately he's had a double life for a while. How long was this dry spell? What was it due to? Do you think he would have continued had you not found out and confronted him?

Even though he tells you it was just sexting, it would be best to get tested for stds by your doctor, privately. You as well should sort through this with a therapist by yourself, privately. For example, can you trust him again? Is what you happened upon the tip of the iceberg? Will he reinstall/uninstall dating apps again? What can and can't you live with?

We also stopped having sex for some time.

He's now been to the doctor, who prescribed anti-depressants and signed him off work for 3 weeks as 'unfit to work'. He's going to go and see a therapist as well. He is truly sorry, I do believe that. I'm trying to forgive him because he's the most important thing to me and I don't want to lose such an amazing relationship over this.

I'm trying to forgive him because he's the most important thing to me and I don't want to lose such an amazing relationship over this. But how can I ever forgive him?

Start by educating yourself about what very likely is his addiction and how what he was doing plays on the feel good chemicals in one's brain. Look at how he tried many times to stop but was compelled to go back to it (due to what is likely an addiction), get yourselves in to marital counseling so that you can get unbiased guidance on how to overcome this, how to learn to trust due to his actions and attempts to get past this and so he can learn how to recapture your trust through his actions.

Where there is will, there is a way.

This isn't exactly true. If it became an addiction, then like any addiction with the help of rehab, therapy and the help of a 12 step program with a group of his peers then yes, he can fix that.

I have to admit thatwasthen, I don't know a whole lot about addictions when it comes to sex. How does it differ from cheating?

I am assuming the behaviors are the same, such as seeking someone else out, being manipulative, lying, hiding things, etc...but how does it differ from an addiction to him just being a serial cheater?

How would a person be able to tell which one he actually was?

I am so sorry.

He has cheated, and emotional cheating is worse than physical.

He cheated , until he got caught. He has been doing this for years!

Personally, I would never trust this man, again. Get tested for STDs.

Thank you xxx

I have to admit thatwasthen, I don't know a whole lot about addictions when it comes to sex. How does it differ from cheating?

 

I am assuming the behaviors are the same, such as seeking someone else out, being manipulative, lying, hiding things, etc...but how does it differ from an addiction to him just being a serial cheater?

 

How would a person be able to tell which one he actually was?

Google "Sex Addiction" Sherry.

Adding a link. Hopefully it won't be deleted.

https://www.psychguides.com/guides/sex-addiction-symptoms-causes-and-effects/

Until when/if he's diagnosed by a professional as having an addiction, I'd have to wonder if he's sorry for what he did, or sorry he got caught.

He's done this for years, there really is nothing to fix.

Time to end things, you will never trust him again. And you DON'T know that he didn't physically cheat. He is fully capable of that. Emotional cheating is just as bad if not worse =_=.

If you condone this he will continue to cheat. Cheaters always break down, but it's no indication of real remorse or willingness to change. How would you be able to look him in the face again? I'd never be able to get over such a betrayal. End things or waste more years of your life on someone who isn't worth your energy or heart.

Until when/if he's diagnosed by a professional as having an addiction, I'd have to wonder if he's sorry for what he did, or sorry he got caught.

I'd say he's sorry about both.

Well, I have to admit that I have an addiction. I eat three times a day. I can't help myself. I've gone through the 12-step program and I can't stop. And I have to admit that when my wife isn't around, I'll cheat on her and go down to McDonald's to eat. My wife found out and she's forced me to go to a nutritionist to be taught how to practice safe eating. And she made me go for a blood test to see if I got worms or an infection from eating out.

By the way, I also have an addiction to breathing, urinating, defecating and ejaculating. I try not to let my wife know about when I'm doing some of them.

So the point of my confession is that all of these "addictions" are natural. They are all part of being human and being alive. But somehow masturbating has become "cheating" and masturbatory aids (including online porn) have become "emotional cheating." Some sane women (probably those who masturbate themselves), understand a little, but publicly shaming a boyfriend or husband and making him take STD tests and going to a psychiatrist to be "cured" is getting ridiculous.

Look, most guys have to ejaculate every couple of days or they start going crazy. They start getting more and more sexual thoughts until they do it. And believe me, you don't want your husbands and boyfriends attacking the first girl they see when they're horny. Besides, there are rules and laws against this. This is Nature's way to procreate the species. So masturbation is a very simple solution to this problem and keeping sane. In fact, if a guy doesn't do it himself, his body will actually do it for him, which is called a "wet dream." I personally find them scary and they wake you up in the middle of the night during your deepest sleep. You don't know what's happening at first. I try to make sure I don't have any.

If your husband has been doing this discretely and you had no idea he was doing it, I don't think it's an addiction. He's only been using the Internet as a masturbation aid.

Now, a lot of women on ENA have said they don't understand why their SOs are masturbating when they have them. But a guy can do it quickly with no muss or fuss. Think of it as personal maintenance. Sort of like plucking your eyebrows, manicuring your nails, filing off foot calluses, and so on. It doesn't require your entire evening like actual sex might take, and having to take another shower, drying off, redressing, remaking the bed, and recovery time. Also there's no waiting for your partner to get over her headache, menstrual pains, stomach cramps, colds, flu, tiredness, depression, low libido, depression, anger or any other problems or illnesses.

Also, ironically, men don't need an erection to have an ejaculation, and there's no embarrassment involved if he fails to ejaculate. There's also no disappointment as in real life.

As for your specific incident, it sounds like your husband was using online sex workers or enthusiastic amateurs. He will never meet them. He doesn't know them. He's not having sex with them. It's a little kinky for me, but if he's having trouble having sex with you, it's possible he needed extra visual stimulation to get off. I can tell you, it's a lot easier to orgasm when your partner is whooping and moaning and thrashing about than if they're just lying there grunting every five minutes. Sex workers can provide that extra fantasy to make it happen.

You know, we tell teenage boys when they're caught masturbating that it's all right and perfectly natural. We're told not to shame them, tell them it's wrong, or punish them for doing it. Yet, this is what some women do when they catch their husbands doing it. Calling it emotional cheating is unfair. Just because women don't have an equivalent urge and don't understand it doesn't mean it's wrong. And the Internet is just today's equivalent of Playboy in the 1950s. It's just a high-tech masturbatory aid.

I know a lot of women won't agree, but this is a no-strings attached form of masturbation. It's harmless. You're not going to catch a disease from it. And the guy is not breaking his marital vow. But not understanding it is another reason why men don't completely open up to women about such things. And, of course, the women who think even talking to another woman is emotional cheating will never understand it.

Just trying to give some perspective here and calm down the discussion. I think you should tell your husband you're sorry you flipped out. Tell him you love him and tell him that you want to anything you can to help even him if he's having problems, and that you won't judge him. Maybe you can think of things to spice up your marriage. Maybe have him pick you up at a bar and take you home. Maybe have phone sex with him even though you're only in the next room. Maybe think of something special to do like having sex outside or in your car. I can tell you, marriage sex can become boring if you don't do something different every so often.

^ this is way more than masturbation. What he is doing IS cheating and her being the perfect sex toy won't change his behaviour.

Masturbating to two dimensional images is one thing. Engaging in cam "models" and interacting with live women is quite another.

No sin in my book if my hubby looks at porn and relieves himself now and then but if he got into personal interaction with someone other than me on cam... I'd be as upset as the Op is over this.

Her situation is NOT a simple case of her husband viewing porn... it's gone beyond that.

I'm sorry, but this goes further than masturbation. It's one thing if he was watching porn. Some women aren't even okay with that, which to each her own, but the OP said that her SO was, along with other women, talking to one specific woman for months and watched that woman through a video cam twice. That definitely goes further than porn. I think it's very unfair to ask the OP to apologize when she was the one who was hurt and betrayed. No one is saying men don't deserve to masturbate while in a relationship, but the fact is this specific situation goes much further than that. Her partner's reaction, which was obviously guilty, proves he knew what he was doing was wrong. If I were to confront my partner about watching porn, he would say, "And what of it?" Because he knows it isn't wrong since it's not an addiction and he doesn't do it when I'm with him. Her partner's guilt proves he knew he shouldn't have been doing it; he knew if she found out, which she did, she would be hurt.

OP, it's really up to you whether you can trust him again or not. I wouldn't assume you can never forgive him again because of the pain you felt in the heat of the moment. I don't have much advice based on experience, but what I can say is that both partners need to be willing to put work in to rebuild the trust. I do not agree with the above post stating you should apologize to him (PLEASE do not do that because you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for and excusing this behavior that you are obviously not okay with will just give him the green light to do it again in the future) but I also think you should consider if this is enough to end a 10 year relationship. Since I am not in your position, I can't say for you, but it's just something you should think about. I'm really sorry you're going through this. If he does have an addiction, you just need to keep telling yourself it's not something you necessarily did wrong and please don't let this situation affect your thoughts on yourself. Hugs xx

I think you should tell your husband you're sorry you flipped out. Tell him you love him and tell him that you want to anything you can to help even him if he's having problems, and that you won't judge him.

Nothing like a hug, a bottle of wine and a sincere apology for flipping out on your cheating boyfriend/husband.

So, DanZee, you must be okay with your wife masturbating on Webcam with some other man several times for a few months...

OP, I do agree that masturbation is normal. But I do not agree with DaNZee about this. I am so sorry you are going through this!

This has gone way beyond the boundaries of a healthy relationship. It has affected your sex life as well as your emotional relationship and your mutual trust. It has crushed your heart and soul - how on earth DanZee thinks that is okay is beyond me!

Please get yourself into counseling, and do get checked for STDS just in case.

I read the article on sex addiction. I am still unsure about that.

Unfortunately, (to me anyhow) this sounds more like a case of the husband becoming disconnected from his wife emotionally and turning to other women for sexual satisfaction. A repeated behavior but for his own selfish enjoyment, not necessarily an addiction.

I agree that only a professional can diagnose this, but it does sound as though the husband made conscious choices to become intimate with other women.

He knew what he was doing, I'm sure he feels bad now that he has been caught, but I still don't get the vibe that it's a sexual addiction but rather him being promiscuous due to wanting to fill a void in his marriage.

That would make him a full on cheater with intent.

Op, you need to figure out if you can ever trust him again, addiction or not. Your mental well being is what matters here.

I realize you still love your husband but this is quite emotionally damaging and I do sincerely hope you get help coping with this all. I hope you've got family and friends to support you, as well as therapy/counselling.

I have no doubt he feels bad, however that doesn't excuse the choices he made. It also doesn't mean he won't do it again, even if it is addiction.

Although in my opinion, it sounds like he enjoyed what he was doing and was purposely cheating with these women.

Again, it's a fine line which only a professional can sort out.

But let's say for instance that he is addicted, that still is a very long road and no guarantee's that he will stop. Like any other addict, they realize they are ruining their family and destroying but that does not mean they can stop, even with help.

Either way OP, I hope you can get checked for STD's (just in case) and can get the emotional support you need to get through this.

You are going to have to make tough decisions here. I really am sorry that you're dealing with this.

Unfortunately, (to me anyhow) this sounds more like a case of the husband becoming disconnected from his wife emotionally and turning to other women for sexual satisfaction. A repeated behavior but for his own selfish enjoyment, not necessarily an addiction.

 

I agree that only a professional can diagnose this, but it does sound as though the husband made conscious choices to become intimate with other women.

 

He knew what he was doing, I'm sure he feels bad now that he has been caught, but I still don't get the vibe that it's a sexual addiction but rather him being promiscuous due to wanting to fill a void in his marriage.

I agree with your take, Sherry.

I'm sorry OP, but I think your guy checked out of your relationship a long time ago.

'So the point of my confession is that all of these "addictions" are natural. They are all part of being human and being alive. But somehow masturbating has become "cheating" and masturbatory aids (including online porn) have become "emotional cheating." Some sane women (probably those who masturbate themselves), understand a little, but publicly shaming a boyfriend or husband and making him take STD tests and going to a psychiatrist to be "cured" is getting ridiculous.

Look, most guys have to ejaculate every couple of days or they start going crazy. They start getting more and more sexual thoughts until they do it. And believe me, you don't want your husbands and boyfriends attacking the first girl they see when they're horny. Besides, there are rules and laws against this. This is Nature's way to procreate the species. So masturbation is a very simple solution to this problem and keeping sane. In fact, if a guy doesn't do it himself, his body will actually do it for him, which is called a "wet dream." I personally find them scary and they wake you up in the middle of the night during your deepest sleep. You don't know what's happening at first. I try to make sure I don't have any.

If your husband has been doing this discretely and you had no idea he was doing it, I don't think it's an addiction. He's only been using the Internet as a masturbation aid.

Now, a lot of women on ENA have said they don't understand why their SOs are masturbating when they have them. But a guy can do it quickly with no muss or fuss. Think of it as personal maintenance. Sort of like plucking your eyebrows, manicuring your nails, filing off foot calluses, and so on. It doesn't require your entire evening like actual sex might take, and having to take another shower, drying off, redressing, remaking the bed, and recovery time. Also there's no waiting for your partner to get over her headache, menstrual pains, stomach cramps, colds, flu, tiredness, depression, low libido, depression, anger or any other problems or illnesses.

Also, ironically, men don't need an erection to have an ejaculation, and there's no embarrassment involved if he fails to ejaculate. There's also no disappointment as in real life.

As for your specific incident, it sounds like your husband was using online sex workers or enthusiastic amateurs. He will never meet them. He doesn't know them. He's not having sex with them. It's a little kinky for me, but if he's having trouble having sex with you, it's possible he needed extra visual stimulation to get off. I can tell you, it's a lot easier to orgasm when your partner is whooping and moaning and thrashing about than if they're just lying there grunting every five minutes. Sex workers can provide that extra fantasy to make it happen.

You know, we tell teenage boys when they're caught masturbating that it's all right and perfectly natural. We're told not to shame them, tell them it's wrong, or punish them for doing it. Yet, this is what some women do when they catch their husbands doing it. Calling it emotional cheating is unfair. Just because women don't have an equivalent urge and don't understand it doesn't mean it's wrong. And the Internet is just today's equivalent of Playboy in the 1950s. It's just a high-tech masturbatory aid.

I know a lot of women won't agree, but this is a no-strings attached form of masturbation. It's harmless. You're not going to catch a disease from it. And the guy is not breaking his marital vow. But not understanding it is another reason why men don't completely open up to women about such things. And, of course, the women who think even talking to another woman is emotional cheating will never understand it.'

________________

I am a woman and I agree.

If my husband were to confess something like this to me .. I wouldn't exactly be ecstatic. I'd be livid. Mad as hell.. etc etc etc. But.. I'd never ever leave him for it. Not a good enough reason if you've been together 14 years like we have, or 10 years in case of the OP.

'So, DanZee, you must be okay with your wife masturbating on Webcam with some other man several times for a few months...'

_____

Ah but that's where we differ, men and women. DanZee's wife wouldn't dream of it because she's not a man, as simple as that.

'So, DanZee, you must be okay with your wife masturbating on Webcam with some other man several times for a few months...'

 

_____

 

Ah but that's where we differ, men and women. DanZee's wife wouldn't dream of it because she's not a man, as simple as that.

Are you serious... you’re saying this behaviour is acceptable because he’s a man? What century are we in again?

Personally I would never be able to trust my partner again. Forget about the issue of whether this is considered cheating or not, because as you can see by the wide variety of answers you have received here, it is a very grey area. And everyone’s idea of cheating is different. You will have to decide for yourself whether this is cheating or not. But the real issue here is the continued deception on the part of your husband. He knew this was going to hurt you and continued to do it anyway. He continued to lie and hide a huge part of his life from you, and this alone would be enough to make me not be able to trust him again. It also clearly took a toll on your physical relationship which is very important for the success of one. He chose his fantasy sex life over the real one he had with you. I’m so sorry you are going through this, but I do not believe you will be able to recover the trust lost in your relationship.