Cold feet about marriage?

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we're happy so far -- until it becomes marriage season for his friends. He's nearing 30's, takes me to family events, weddings, parties, and vice versa. We're both stable, but not rich.

My concern, or rather where I need advice in, is whenever someone talks to him about when he will pop the question, or when do we plan to get married, he just laughs and changes the topic. I've spoken to him about this many times, but he just ends up telling me he's just not ready yet financially. Is this something I should be considering as a red flag? Or should I be trusting him that it really just is a financial issue? Am i just being pressured by the weddings happening around us?

What do you really want? Do you want marriage or are you more focused on the party celebrating the wedding vows? Also why can't people mind their own business? When I was in my 30s in a serious relationship and my bf and I were asked when I'd smile and say "oh -when the kids are grown" (we had no kids and it basically told them to stop interfering).

So here's what I would do on the finances. Don't accept a vague answer. Ask him what he specifically means, what he would need to feel comfortable and whether he is talking about spending money on a ring/party or money to live on. If the former then you decide whether you need a big party to celebrate a wedding or a larger diamond, etc. If the latter see if you can come up with a budget and savings plan. If he loves and wants to marry you he will welcome this kind of planning.

Also, if he was never going to marry you how long would you stay with him?

As far as feeling pressured that's kind of an easy one. You know yourself and you know whether you want marriage independent of "pressure". Time to be honest with yourself, either way.

Do you want to be married?

What do you want? Do you live together?

What specific financial goal does he want to reach that he hasn't reached yet?

He's 30... how old are you? When you asked his thoughts on marriage and he just answered that he's not financially ready for that, did you ask him where he feels he needs to be financially before he would be ready to commit to a life together? Did you ask him if he was financially ready would you be the one he would want to marry?

Your focus seems to be on the pressure that you're feeling because your friends are marrying. You don't even mention if you love him or whether or not he's showing you that he values, respects or loves you back.

When people ask someone "when are you getting married? When will you have kids?" its RUDE and being a busybody. I suggest you also deflect such nosey questions and don't treat them as a "talking opportunity" with him. He doesn't have cold feet. He just is not at the point where he wants to get married. I suggest you come up with a humorous and deflecting response yourself "oh, don't you know - i DO have a kid. His name is __name of your dog, cat or goldfish". or "what about you when are YOU going to pop the question?" (to the rude person).

Well, a lot of guys try to avoid even thinking of marriage. For a guy, it represents so many fears. The big one is the loss of freedom. Even if a guy has been in a relationship for 10 years, there's still that fear he will lose his freedom and be forever shackled to someone. He won't be able to do what he wants. He will have someone always telling him what to do. He may have to give up his dream of doing this or that. He won't be able to buy that Corvette he always wanted and that a lot of money will have to be used for a wedding. And so on.

There's also other fears such as the fear of loss of privacy, even if he doesn't have that much privacy now. And there's a whole lot of other issues.

I think the bottom line is that for a guy, it's a big step. It's sort of giving up all those boyish things and becoming a man with responsibilities and a wife to have to take care of. And like going to the dentist, some people want to put it off for as long as possible.

For me, after living together for four years with my girlfriend, I realized that I was already living a married life. Moving in together and figuring out each other is a bigger step than getting married. And we had decided on a small wedding, so people didn't have to put themselves out, travel hundreds or miles, or spend a lot of money on gifts. We didn't even have a honeymoon, and we slept in our own bed that night.

So I think this is the philosophy you have to use on your boyfriend. Convince him that nothing will change by getting married. And I would advise a small, quick wedding without the pressure and the fanfare of bridesmaid dresses and having everybody you know in the world travel to Tahiti to attend it. Make it as painless as possible and don't drain the bank account. Use the money for your future.

So I think this is the philosophy you have to use on your boyfriend. Convince him that nothing will change by getting married. And I would advise a small, quick wedding without the pressure and the fanfare of bridesmaid dresses and having everybody you know in the world travel to Tahiti to attend it. Make it as painless as possible and don't drain the bank account. Use the money for your future.

That is the wrong tactic -- you can't promise nothing will change. No one should be "convinced" to get married.

people tend to grow up a bit slower these days. Some people also grow up about the same as any other decade but took awhile to get their footing.

He may not be ready to marry HER or just is not ready to marry yet and that is totally okay. 3 years is not an eternity.

She has asked why they are not married yet -- at the wrong time -- pressing him why they are not married after a nosey relative asks -- vs upfront having stated HER goals in what she is looking for in a relationship.

I think it's a stereotype about men. I was afraid of marriage too and not because of "freedom" (I felt far more free being committed/married than single) - there are many anxieties and fears about such an awesome commitment and responsibility for men and women. I think the stereotype started because women typically are more into/more involved in the party planning, picking the dress, and lately planning the multiple parties surrounding the wedding which has nothing to do with marriage including any insecurities/anxieties. I think some men do get worried that once they propose all the convos will be about the wedding reception, etc. ad nauseum.

We didn't live together before we got married. With anyone (although we lived together for a few weeks the first time around we dated). And it was a good thing too because it would have created all these unrealistic expectations because it would have had nothing to do with living in a less than 600 square foot apartment as newlyweds with a newborn and all his stuff. I think getting married and taking marital vows is the big step if both people want it with their whole hearts and walk the walk - keep the commitment despite the ups and downs of adjusting to living with someone and sharing financial responsibilities and favorite ice cream flavors etc. My parents had a darn good marriage for 60 plus years and never lived together.

I do think living together can be a step towards greater emotional commitment if the reason for living together is to strengthen the emotional bond. But not as a test for marriage IMO.

I would absolutely not try to convince your boyfriend of anything. No one should be convinced that getting married will not change anything, or everything -no "convincing". The person getting married should be convinced on his or her own that other than reasonable doubts (meaning not hard to resolve them, more fleeting and not rocking you to the core/shaking you up) that he or she is reasonably excited and sure to be getting married. Things do change when you're married -I've seen that in my marriage and in many many others. Mostly for the better. I would never ever tell myself or anyone else that nothing will change and I would never downplay the wedding ceremony - taking vows is a magical amazing thing. I would certainly tell the boyfriend that a small party or no party is fine (or a delayed reception, later when you can afford it, feel like it) if that is the concern. That has nothing to do with marriage. We had 10 guests, at my inlaws' modest and lovely home, lunch and wedding cake at a restaurant and a 3 day honeymoon nearby (because I couldn't fly while pregnant and yes we were all overjoyed that I was pregnant, not the reason we married).

So I think this is the philosophy you have to use on your boyfriend. Convince him that nothing will change by getting married. And I would advise a small, quick wedding without the pressure and the fanfare of bridesmaid dresses and having everybody you know in the world travel to Tahiti to attend it. Make it as painless as possible and don't drain the bank account. Use the money for your future.

 

That is the wrong tactic -- you can't promise nothing will change. No one should be "convinced" to get married.

people tend to grow up a bit slower these days. Some people also grow up about the same as any other decade but took awhile to get their footing.

He may not be ready to marry HER or just is not ready to marry yet and that is totally okay. 3 years is not an eternity.

She has asked why they are not married yet -- at the wrong time -- pressing him why they are not married after a nosey relative asks -- vs upfront having stated HER goals in what she is looking for in a relationship.

I disagree. I think it's the perfect thing for her to be doing... AFTER she talks to him to find out if he actually wants to marry her once he feels he is financially able to.

I disagree. I think it's the perfect thing for her to be doing... AFTER she talks to him to find out if he actually wants to marry her once he feels he is financially able to.

Yes to small quick wedding- if that is what he wants. If he wants to marry her he will not need convincing of any kind including that nothing will change I always went with Dr. Phil's advice because a few boyfriends tried to convince me that we were "right" for marriage together - never try to convince anyone to marry you. If you have to then the person isn't ready and the first argument they will have will be him saying she promised "nothing" would change. With rare exception marital commitments change relationships -certainly for the good so that wouldn't be an issue but she cannot promise him that especially if they plan to share finances, have a family, move, etc. If a person is getting married assuming marriage changes nothing that person should not be getting married IMO.

I didn't take Dan's advice so literally.

I didn't take Dan's advice so literally.

That's fine -I read the words that she should convince him that nothing will change by getting married. I don't agree as I wrote. I agree wholeheartedly about party planning and bridesmaid's dresses.

Hubby and a I lived together before marriage and after we married nothing did change as far as our love and commitment to one another goes. Things did change after our daughter came along but because of that love and commitment, we managed to work through those changes and adjusted together as a team.

I think "convincing someone to marry you" is when one doesn't want to and the other keeps giving reasons why they should.

I think the bottom line here is that the Op hasn't mentioned one word about the dynamics of her relationship and therefore none of us know whether he actually wants to marry her one day or he's just coasting for now with someone who doesn't give him too much grief.

Op: How is your relationship in general? It would also be helpful to know what he considers to be "financially ready."

Hubby and a I lived together before marriage and after we married nothing did change as far as our love and commitment to one another goes. Things did change after our daughter came along but because of that love and commitment, we managed to work through those changes and adjusted together as a team.

 

I think "convincing someone to marry you" is when one doesn't want to and the other keeps giving reasons why they should.

 

I think the bottom line here is that the Op hasn't mentioned one word about the dynamics of her relationship and therefore none of us know whether he actually wants to marry her one day or he's just coasting for now with someone who doesn't give him too much grief.

 

Op: How is your relationship in general? It would also be helpful to know what he considers to be "financially ready."

Yes, I agree and never said it always changes things. I simply advised that you don't try to convince someone to marry in the first place and not because "nothing will change." Many people don't have a family until after marriage so yes if the family changes things -changes the marriage -that is a change because of marriage (and family). One of many examples. I'm sure you and your husband didn't decide to marry because "why not, it won't change anything" - I hope and I believe you married for the positive reasons of love and commitment and all that good stuff and that neither had to "convince" the other.

I agree with your questions and wonder if the OP will return. I find it curious too that she wonders whether she actually wants to marry that badly or whether it's because she's been going to weddings. I remember feeling that way as a teenager especially when my sister got married when I was 19 - being "the bride" but after being with someone for 3 years you know whether you want to marry the person or are just entranced by the parties, dress, ring, etc.

We loved each other and were committed so we decided to marry because it wouldn't change that.

Yes... I remember feeling that way when all our friends were marrying (some who had been living together as well) that's why I asked her how old she was. She told us how old he was but left out her own age. Is her bio clock ticking I wondered amongst other things?

Yes I agree. Hope she returns to give more info.

Do you live together? Financial and career goals are crucial. Stop talking about weddings and marriage to him. The more you push the more he'll resist. Simply lay back and reflect what's going on for you and the relationship in general.

Do you both work? Are there issues with his finances or yours such as debt, unemployment, etc? Is there excess so pending on cars, phones, clothes, etc.? Do either of you still live with parents? What are your goals? Family? How old are you?

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. whenever someone talks to him about when he will pop the question, or when do we plan to get married, he just laughs and changes the topic. I've spoken to him about this many times, but he just ends up telling me he's just not ready yet financially.

How can someone get cold feet about something that hasn't even been mutually agreed to yet??

Do you live together? Financial and career goals are crucial. Stop talking about weddings and marriage to him. The more you push the more he'll resist. Simply lay back and reflect what's going on for you and the relationship in general.

 

Do you both work? Are there issues with his finances or yours such as debt, unemployment, etc? Is there excess so pending on cars, phones, clothes, etc.? Do either of you still live with parents? What are your goals? Family? How old are you?

I agree, these are good questions to ask. Do you want to get married? Does he? what are the things he wants to accomplish single first?

Do you guys ever talk about the future. Does he have a plan in his head as to what he plans to do in the next couple of years and what goals he wants to achieve? Does he want to get married, does he want kids, is that a possibility for him or has none of that been discussed. Some people don't actually want that but they are still happy to have a relationship because it provides them with comforts. Find out where he stands. 3 years is enough time to get married and engaged, so get a clear idea of where he is in life.

Hubby and a I lived together before marriage and after we married nothing did change as far as our love and commitment to one another goes. Things did change after our daughter came along but because of that love and commitment, we managed to work through those changes and adjusted together as a team.

The same happened with me. Nothing really changed my relationship with my husband when we got married, and that was because we had been together for a decade before tying the knot. We already knew our ins and outs.

But having a child after being married for four years... it’s been a real game changer. Our relationship goes up and down while raising a newborn. It’s why I advise people to ENJOY their marriage before committing to raising a child. Postpartum and sleep deprivation are a real b**. I thought my pregnancy/miscarriage was bad.... ohhh no!