Not sure how I feel, in need of insight

So me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3.5 years now. We've hade our ups and downs but for the most part it's been really good. She is the first woman I really fell in love with, got in a relationship with and had sex with. We've done it all together and I love and care for her very much. Sadly though, things have not been very smooth lately.

 

I think it all began this summer when we were on a 3 week roadtrip together. Even though we got along well most of the time there were moments where we really got on each others nerves. Which almost is to be expected in that situation. But I started to realize how different we really are. For instance, I'm a very social person and always see people in a positive way before proven otherwise, while she is pretty much the polar oposite so usualy sees negativly on strangers. Fast forward to us getting home and we're getting ready to move to another city and start attending university. She's very inclined on getting an appartement together and puts pressure on me to find one. We already lived together at the time but the appartement was mine so since we wanted to try and switch with someone it was all in my hands so to speak. I was however not so sure that I immedietly wanted to live together. Having never lived by myself and starting to question our relationship I was reluctant to live together right away. However I brushed these things off as insecurities that will fade and tried very hard to make sure that we start off by living together in the new city.

 

Around this time I was starting to feel insecure about a lot of things. Not only about our relationship and our livingsituation but also about things like, is this really the university and courses I want to attend? We end up not being able to get a place together right away and start off by living at different locations. This is where the real problem starts. A week after we get here I'm gonna pick some stuff up from her place. I randomly meet her on a bus to her place alongside a close friend of hers. I notice that she's acting very cold towards me and barely wants to talk. This is not a new thing, she's dealt with issues in our relationsship like this before and it really hurts me. We end up talking later and it turns out that the reason she's acting cold is because she saw me on campus a few days earlier with a couple of girls (fellow firstyear students in my mentorgroup), we walked past her and her friends and she thought that I saw her but completely ignored her. I never noticed she was there. This struck a chord with me and I was very hurt by this.

 

To give some context, there has been some trust issues earlier in our relationship. I'm not the perfect boyfriend and I've done my fare share of wrongdoings but the way we handle our partners mistakes are very different. I'm usually very forgiving while she's had a history of going cold, not wanting to talk and giving me the silent treatment, sometimes until i broke down completely. She has on two different occasions made out with other women (she's bisexual) and on both occasions i forgave her. There was one time where she thought that I was cheating on her but this was simply false, I forgave this aswell. There has also been a lot of jealousy, I've gotten cold reactions only from mentioning another women, like a coworker or even a celebrity. All of this has however gotten better over time.

 

So when she accused me of ignoring her and acting cold about it, I broke down big time. All the insecurities I had, combined with bad feelings from the past amounted to me pulling the plug on our relationsship right there and then. We both cried rivers and during all of this she tried to explain that she didn't think that I was cheating or anything of the sort, she just thought that I was acting cold against her. This calmed me down and I took back what I had said and claimed that I was willing to give it another try. We have since had deep talkes a couple of times and have sort of made it work. We've had a lot of ups and downs this past month and a half but we are starting to get back to normal. Sadly a lot of insecureties about our relationship has returned to me now. During all of this my interest in other girls has gone up. I have one girl that I've gotten very close with but I forced myself to see her as a friend and nothing more. She's now seeing a mutual friend of ours and I'm completely fine with this. But now there is another girl whom I've gained an interest in, and I believe this one will be a lot harder to shake of so to speak. I feel terribel about all of this and all these feelings is kind of making me feel depressed. I will never do anything with anyone else without first ending it with my girlfriend. I care immensely about my GF and I don't want to lose her. Things between us are getting better again but it also feels like I'm the only one pulling it forward at the moment. I'm usually the one that starts messaging and I'm always the one who suggests to meet up. I always come to her while she never comes to me. I know that she cares a lot about our relationship and me, probably more than I do, which also feels terrible. I don't know if she's trying to give me space or if there is another reason for her not initiating much right now. I'm usually very busy so perhaps she doesn't want the dissapointment of me saying no.

 

It honestly feels like I'm tearing apart and I don't know how much I can take. But at the same time I don't want to throw away a relationship we've built for three and a half years just like that. I'm in desperate need for some perspective and I hope you guys have som helpful insight to my situation. I will be eternally grateful for any suggestions or tips that I get.

People evolve greatly from their late teens to their late twenties. What you want when younger might be totally different than what you want within a mere decade.

 

She was your first true love, but now you see the differences are concerning to you. She doesn't meet your needs, she's cheated on you twice, and you've outgrown this relationship.

 

It really doesn't matter how many years you've invested. It's a blink of an eye in a lifetime. And you can't sacrifice your happiness because she'll be upset with a breakup. Do you really think she'd want to stay with you if she knew what was going in your mind, and how you are desiring other women, a clear sign of the lacking emotional connection between you two. She'll move on after experiencing some pain and so will you.

Agree^^

 

It sounds to me like you've simply outgrown this relationship, and the confusion you feel right now is connected to that. You're a different shape today than you were 3.5 years ago, as is she, but when you're together you're kind of trying to be people you're not.

 

Out in the world you are both maturing, craving new experiences, even new people, but inside the world you've built together you remain somewhat stunted, immature, caught up in petty jealousies, consumed by guilt. That's no fun. And make no mistake: that's not depth, no matter how good the talks are. It's drama.

 

Relationships require work, it's true, but they shouldn't feel like a fight. I don't mean a screaming fight, but in the more cosmic sense. You shouldn't feel constantly pitted against another, which I think you both feel right now to some extent. You're swimming upstream, and you're tired.

 

Ending a relationship is not "throwing it away." It's the opposite, really. It's respecting the evolution of yourself, and another, and being honest about how to relationship can no longer serve that evolution. The experience is forever, the lessons forever—that's the reward, not the duration.

All the philosophizing aside and breaking it down to the brass tacks:

>She cheated on you with other women.

>She holds a double standard wherein she can do it but you can't.

>You are having huge doubts about your connection to her.

>You are feeling that you are incompatible.

>You did not want to live with her while at university.

>Your interest in other women has increased and you are flirting with becoming an emotional cheater even if you don't take it to the physical.

>You've torn down some very fundamental romantic relationship boundaries and you've let yourself become attracted to other women.

This reason alone is enough for you to be motivated in your resolve to break up with her: >She's cheated on you with other women..

 

I care immensely about my GF and I don't want to lose her.

That is just your fear of going through the withdrawl of no longer having her in your life when you've become addicted to her being there. That feeling will pass once you accept that she's not the girl you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. Don't let the fact that she's been your first in everything romantic keep you mired to someone you're not compatible with.

So me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3.5 years now. We've hade our ups and downs but for the most part it's been really good. She is the first woman I really fell in love with, got in a relationship with and had sex with. We've done it all together and I love and care for her very much. Sadly though, things have not been very smooth lately.

 

I think it all began this summer when we were on a 3 week roadtrip together. Even though we got along well most of the time there were moments where we really got on each others nerves. Which almost is to be expected in that situation. But I started to realize how different we really are. For instance, I'm a very social person and always see people in a positive way before proven otherwise, while she is pretty much the polar oposite so usualy sees negativly on strangers. Fast forward to us getting home and we're getting ready to move to another city and start attending university. She's very inclined on getting an appartement together and puts pressure on me to find one. We already lived together at the time but the appartement was mine so since we wanted to try and switch with someone it was all in my hands so to speak. I was however not so sure that I immedietly wanted to live together. Having never lived by myself and starting to question our relationship I was reluctant to live together right away. However I brushed these things off as insecurities that will fade and tried very hard to make sure that we start off by living together in the new city.

 

Around this time I was starting to feel insecure about a lot of things. Not only about our relationship and our livingsituation but also about things like, is this really the university and courses I want to attend? We end up not being able to get a place together right away and start off by living at different locations. This is where the real problem starts. A week after we get here I'm gonna pick some stuff up from her place. I randomly meet her on a bus to her place alongside a close friend of hers. I notice that she's acting very cold towards me and barely wants to talk. This is not a new thing, she's dealt with issues in our relationsship like this before and it really hurts me. We end up talking later and it turns out that the reason she's acting cold is because she saw me on campus a few days earlier with a couple of girls (fellow firstyear students in my mentorgroup), we walked past her and her friends and she thought that I saw her but completely ignored her. I never noticed she was there. This struck a chord with me and I was very hurt by this.

 

To give some context, there has been some trust issues earlier in our relationship. I'm not the perfect boyfriend and I've done my fare share of wrongdoings but the way we handle our partners mistakes are very different. I'm usually very forgiving while she's had a history of going cold, not wanting to talk and giving me the silent treatment, sometimes until i broke down completely. She has on two different occasions made out with other women (she's bisexual) and on both occasions i forgave her. There was one time where she thought that I was cheating on her but this was simply false, I forgave this aswell. There has also been a lot of jealousy, I've gotten cold reactions only from mentioning another women, like a coworker or even a celebrity. All of this has however gotten better over time.

 

So when she accused me of ignoring her and acting cold about it, I broke down big time. All the insecurities I had, combined with bad feelings from the past amounted to me pulling the plug on our relationsship right there and then. We both cried rivers and during all of this she tried to explain that she didn't think that I was cheating or anything of the sort, she just thought that I was acting cold against her. This calmed me down and I took back what I had said and claimed that I was willing to give it another try. We have since had deep talkes a couple of times and have sort of made it work. We've had a lot of ups and downs this past month and a half but we are starting to get back to normal. Sadly a lot of insecureties about our relationship has returned to me now. During all of this my interest in other girls has gone up. I have one girl that I've gotten very close with but I forced myself to see her as a friend and nothing more. She's now seeing a mutual friend of ours and I'm completely fine with this. But now there is another girl whom I've gained an interest in, and I believe this one will be a lot harder to shake of so to speak. I feel terribel about all of this and all these feelings is kind of making me feel depressed. I will never do anything with anyone else without first ending it with my girlfriend. I care immensely about my GF and I don't want to lose her. Things between us are getting better again but it also feels like I'm the only one pulling it forward at the moment. I'm usually the one that starts messaging and I'm always the one who suggests to meet up. I always come to her while she never comes to me. I know that she cares a lot about our relationship and me, probably more than I do, which also feels terrible. I don't know if she's trying to give me space or if there is another reason for her not initiating much right now. I'm usually very busy so perhaps she doesn't want the dissapointment of me saying no.

 

It honestly feels like I'm tearing apart and I don't know how much I can take. But at the same time I don't want to throw away a relationship we've built for three and a half years just like that. I'm in desperate need for some perspective and I hope you guys have som helpful insight to my situation. I will be eternally grateful for any suggestions or tips that I get.

You seem like a pretty honest dude and a pretty selfless person. But if one of your reasons for not wanting to leave the relationship is because you've "Spend 3 years building the relationship", that's just not good enough. Those 3 years are lived and done. It's now that is important. Your future is being pulled on from the past. If you want to stay with her, do it because you like being in a relationship with her and love her.

This relationship has run its course.

 

You're both very young and it wasn't likely to be the relationship you stay in forever, for a number of different reasons. Staying because you've put in 3 years doesn't make sense when the relationship is not working anymore. I get that you don't want to feel like you're giving up, but OP, you stand to waste a lot more time spinning your wheels when the partnership has already met is natural end. Do not stay simply because of the time already put in. You're far too young for that.