Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 10 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 97

Thread: Another first date - how not to screw up (again)

  1. #11
    Bronze Member bbogdanov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    Sofia, Bulgaria
    Posts
    389
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    My goodness, the extreme anxiety you're experiencing seems disproportionate to the amount of dates you've had with this girl (or any amount of dates for that matter).

    Have you spoken with anyone about your anxiety, like a professional? I'm sort of adverse to meds, but in this case, I dunno, they may be warranted in your case.

    Dating is supposed to be fun! Is this fun for you? It sure doesn't sound like it!

    JMO but if you don't get a handle on your anxiety, either with meds or managing on your own, you are going to subconsciously self-sabotage every RL and dating experience you have.

    I used to struggle with MAJOR anxiety, so I know how it goes --- good luck!
    Yes, I was going to councelling last year and in the beginning of this one. It helped me realize a lot of things but I am not free of anxiety. In fact it gets worse with every new woman I meet. I have met more than 20 new women for the past year or so and every rejection, every hope that something could happen, every missed oportunity just makes things worse. All this experience and feeling of hopelessness makes me bigger and bigger mess. My self-esteem hits rock bottom, my belief that I can be loved and can find a woman I can spend my life with is almost gone. All that given the fact that I was the total opposite just a couple of years ago, I don't know what went wrong but I am completely different person and not for the better... Dating is supposed to be fun and I enjoy my dates a lot but it is the time I am not with the girl that is hard for me. I am constantly wondering if she will somehow change her mind and wouldn't want to date me anymore. I am seeking validation and want her to text/call me (or answer my texts/calls for that purpose) so I feel calm and wanted. I seek reassurance through questioning her sometimes, like yesterday when she "left me on read" when asked about if she wants to go out on a date on X day, only to turn out that she was busy and angry about some things happening at work (while I couldn't resist and asked her why she didn't answer and if that was a sign she doesn't want to date me anymore). Yet I can't help but panic and need answers in such moments, because I feel extremely needy and insecure. All that I can do is acknowledge this feeling but not acting on it is almost impossible. It's eating me from the inside... So I guess everything I suffer from can be described as simple as:

    - low self-esteem (mostly when it comes to dating/communication with women; I have good friends, a decent job, master's degree in engineering and IQ way above average but when it comes to women I am total zero)
    - neediness (probably related to the above; after breaking up with my ex 2 years ago I felt not good enough to be loved and to be somebody's SO; going out with more than 20 women for the past year and not being able to start a relationship, although there was good probability with some of them, just strengthened this belief of mine so now I doubt in every situation when a girl is involved and I need approval/reassurance that everything is OK)
    - insecurity (I guess this coincides with the above, are they synonyms or something like that? I am in constant fear that I will screw things up, that a girl I am dating will suddenly stop liking me, that I will be alone forever and so on)
    - hopelessness (I am 31 now and all this experience from the past couple of years just makes it worse for me; I feel I will never find a woman that can be with me and all that awaits me is a lonely life getting older; additionally I seem to not think about two people being with each other like equal beings but like I am in a somewhat lower position and I have to live up to the woman's standards in order to be selected as a mate...)

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Age
    57
    Posts
    5,972
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by bbogdanov
    A little update: 5 dates later and I still don't know where I stand with her Spending time with her is great, the conversations are deep (we seem to be on the same intellectual level), we kiss, hold hands, call each other sweet names etc. (had sex, too). Yet I am still too insecure and feel a lot of pressure (coming from myself). I am constantly worrying about not screwing things up, imagine her suddenly making a 180-degree turn, losing this "opportunity" and so on. All this is gained since my last serious relationship ended (2 years ago) and afterwards while dating different women and experiencing a whole range of negative events. I became completely different person and I just don't know how/if I will be able to be in a relationship anymore...
    You don't get to five dates and not know where you stand. If a woman isn't interested you won't get past one or two. So she's interested.

    Understand that most dating won't lead to anything serious. There's nothing wrong with you. There's no need to feel so insecure. What you're experiencing is what even the most confident men experience. People make 180 degree turns all the time. It is often unexpected, and of course very disappointing.

    Look at dating as a fun activity, and an opportunity to meet more women. Stop worrying about losing this 'opportunity'. There's a bazillion other opportunities out there. There isn't a scarcity of opportunity. Don't look at it so serious. The best thing you can do is care less. Don't be apathetic. But care less. You're not as fine with rejection as you say. You're O.K with immediate rejection. Get used to longer term rejection. That means picking yourself up after a bad fall and keep going. Being able to move on easily and not getting bogged down with dating is healthy and attractive.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,824
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bbogdanov
    We have an arrangement for Saturday, so I guess I didn't screw up. She is contacting me sometimes, although I am the one that does it most of the times). Having sex was not something that I pushed for (not at all), it just happened because she invited me on a dinner at her place and then proposed that I stay for the night...
    good you didn't push but you also don't have to just be a spectator. If you have not talked about protection, if you have not asked if she was dating anyone else (you have a right to know if she is sleeping with someone else or has recently to make that decision for your own safety). If you have not had those conversations, you don't know her well enough. A woman who is interested in you wouldn't be offended if you wanted to wait a bit..... and for your anxiety, you need to. WEll, the horse is out of the barn now -- so there is nothing you can do -- but going forward - make sure to go on dates and do activities instead of everything being touchy feely.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,038
    Gender
    Female
    Having just read your list of anxieties I can't help but wonder if you are even `dating ready' It seems there is so much self worth tied up on being accepted by these women and one small twist could feel catastrophic in your case.

    I don't mean to sound insensitive. I've been there and knew well enough to not date when I wasn't able to date from a fairly solid foundation.

    You spend some more time gathering yourself together before you take your show on the road, not the other way around. Don't go looking for self esteme tied to a successful dating experience.

    But, you've been successfully dating a woman and things are going well. I would try to live in the moment and enjoy her company. Try not to forecast in to the future and have expectations at this point.

    When I catch myself feeling anxious, I tend to justify doing something to calm my anxiety. It typically leads me down the wrong path. You describe wanting reassurance or reaching out when you know you probably shouldn't. In those moments I ask myself out loud `It this a good idea or am I just trying to calm my anxiety' When I've gotten to the point I have to question myself, it's typically the later and I figure it's probably not a good idea to act on it and I figure out another way to ease my anxiety. You need to learn to self soothe.

    I agree with others. If you've gotten this far, she likes you.
    I know telling you to try not to worry is pointless. But seriously, when you are spiraling down this path, find something to do.
    Your thoughts are choice and you can learn to choose them differently.

    Good luck

  5.  

  6. #15
    Bronze Member bbogdanov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    Sofia, Bulgaria
    Posts
    389
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    good you didn't push but you also don't have to just be a spectator. If you have not talked about protection, if you have not asked if she was dating anyone else (you have a right to know if she is sleeping with someone else or has recently to make that decision for your own safety). If you have not had those conversations, you don't know her well enough. A woman who is interested in you wouldn't be offended if you wanted to wait a bit..... and for your anxiety, you need to. WEll, the horse is out of the barn now -- so there is nothing you can do -- but going forward - make sure to go on dates and do activities instead of everything being touchy feely.
    We did talk about previous partners, what's going on at the moment and so on. She is not dating anyone else so I think I am fairly safe in that respect. More than that - we had a lot of conversations, she is very open person and shares much information about herself which is great! She opens up to me and she is the kind of person that says everything as it is, without me having to guess or wonder. I am a man so I think simple and straightforward and she makes it easy for me - she says what she likes and what she doesn't. Hell, it is even true when being intimate, I like it! It is much more easier that way. As for activities - we are going to spend the weekend at some city in a neighbouring country (not far away, something like 100 miles) so we won't be touchy all the time I guess

  7. #16
    Bronze Member bbogdanov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    Sofia, Bulgaria
    Posts
    389
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Having just read your list of anxieties I can't help but wonder if you are even `dating ready' It seems there is so much self worth tied up on being accepted by these women and one small twist could feel catastrophic in your case.

    I don't mean to sound insensitive. I've been there and knew well enough to not date when I wasn't able to date from a fairly solid foundation.

    You spend some more time gathering yourself together before you take your show on the road, not the other way around. Don't go looking for self esteme tied to a successful dating experience.

    But, you've been successfully dating a woman and things are going well. I would try to live in the moment and enjoy her company. Try not to forecast in to the future and have expectations at this point.

    When I catch myself feeling anxious, I tend to justify doing something to calm my anxiety. It typically leads me down the wrong path. You describe wanting reassurance or reaching out when you know you probably shouldn't. In those moments I ask myself out loud `It this a good idea or am I just trying to calm my anxiety' When I've gotten to the point I have to question myself, it's typically the later and I figure it's probably not a good idea to act on it and I figure out another way to ease my anxiety. You need to learn to self soothe.

    I agree with others. If you've gotten this far, she likes you.
    I know telling you to try not to worry is pointless. But seriously, when you are spiraling down this path, find something to do.
    Your thoughts are choice and you can learn to choose them differently.

    Good luck
    Honestly, I don't know if I will ever be "dating ready". I haven't had serious relationship for two years now and I have completely moved on from my ex, so it is enough for me. Not that I don't want to deal with my issues but I don't know if I will ever be able to do it completely. I have read a ton of books and advices on the internet for the past two years and I can say that I feel that I've improved myself at least a little bit but knowledge is never enough. I do know that my self worth is tied to being accepted. But as I said I don't know if I will ever get to the point of having gathered myself together so I am dating now, as broken as I could be Meanwhile, we were going to spend the last evening at some restaurant but when we met she offered to go to her place while her housemate wasn't there (she was returning later in the evening). Well, no need to tell you going to her place was "pleasant" Now she is even warmer and initiates conversations, sends me kisses and so on...

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,038
    Gender
    Female
    Just breath. . .and have fun. The rest will come.
    Wishing you the best!

  9. #18
    Bronze Member bbogdanov's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    Sofia, Bulgaria
    Posts
    389
    Gender
    Male
    Thanks! Meanwhile we were on a trip for the weekend and we became even closer (physically and mentally). But once we are back at home and we are not together, I start feeling doubts again. I look forward to every text or call from her, I don't feel calm that things are going in a good direction (while they can't be better than that), I am anxious about her leaving any moment (not that logically there's a reason to, but these things are never logical nonetheless) and so on. And I think all that is due to my low self-esteem. I just still can't believe that there will be a person that can like me and be with me. I don't feel worthy enough and I fear losing her (or any woman for that reason).

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,324
    Originally Posted by bbogdanov
    Thanks! Meanwhile we were on a trip for the weekend and we became even closer (physically and mentally). But once we are back at home and we are not together, I start feeling doubts again. I look forward to every text or call from her, I don't feel calm that things are going in a good direction (while they can't be better than that), I am anxious about her leaving any moment (not that logically there's a reason to, but these things are never logical nonetheless) and so on. And I think all that is due to my low self-esteem. I just still can't believe that there will be a person that can like me and be with me. I don't feel worthy enough and I fear losing her (or any woman for that reason).
    Iíve been avoiding responding because Infeel t falls on deaf ears but I have to say something.

    Beyond talking you off the ledge, I donít know what you expect us to do to help you here. Your insecurity issues should have been solved before you started dating after so many failures you should have taken a break and took stock instead you just kept going compounding your anxiety and dragging your baggage along with you.

    This isnít just going to disappear. You have to work on yourself. If you choose not to I donít see any other option but to pull up your big boy pants and deal, either that or you keep posting so we can tell you ď you is good, you is kindĒ after every date.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,560
    bbog, since it seems (as figureitout said) we can't really help you anymore, and what you really need is to share your thoughts/feelings/experiences anyway, might I suggest starting a journal? Check out the journal section, writing your thoughts/feelings can be very calming and cathartic.

    I don't keep a journal on this forum but do at home on my iPad, and I post every night. About my day to day experiences, my feelings, my anxieties, etc etc etc. Sometimes my journal entries are long, and sometimes only one or two sentences. They're for me and as I said, they really help me cope.

    If you choose to create a journal on this forum, if folks wish to respond they can do so.

    JMO but I think it would be quite beneficial to you instead of creating all these various threads about essentially the same thing -- your anxieties, your fears, etc.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 10-29-2018 at 01:26 PM.

Page 2 of 10 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •