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Broke with my girlfriend and feeling like I made a huge mistake


jt214

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Hi everyone,

 

I’m 28 years old and I broke up with my girlfriend 2 days ago. She’s 22, we met online, and we had been dating for 9 months. I broke up with her because for the back half of the relationship, I had been feeling extremely ambivalent towards her and our relationship. I enjoyed her company enough, but I never felt particularly excited to see her and would often wish that I could cancel my plans with her, and hang out with other friends instead. There was basically a deep seeded feeling that we weren’t right for each other, and when I imagine my future wife, I just don’t picture her. There was nothing particularly wrong with her or the relationship. We never fought and she is a great person (sweet, caring, a good listener, attractive). But I just had this unshakable feeling that this wasn’t right. She was very much in love with me, and even went as far as inviting herself to my family home for Thanksgiving (I’m from the east coast, she and I live out west). This didn’t sit well with me, and that was one of the first times that I seriously considered ending things (this was 2 months ago).

 

She was devastated when I broke up with her, and I haven’t stopped thinking about her since and am missing her. Everyone who I trust (friends, family) told me that I am doing the right thing, and I agreed, but now I’m spending lots of time doubting myself and the decision I made.

 

Some external factors I should mention: I lost my dog a few weeks ago which made me very upset, and I’m still in the process of eventually trying to move back to the east coast. She is going to med school within the next few years, and I would have hated for her decision on where to go be influenced in any way by where I end up.

 

Has anyone been through anything like this that could offer some advice? I’m terrified that I’ve made a mistake. Thank you!

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Would request a little more information from you, OP:

 

Have you two been in contact at all since the breakup?

 

When did you begin to feel this regret? During the break-up conversation? Did something in particular trigger this feeling of regret that you can think of?

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You didn't make a mistake. Based on what you wrote, you are not right for each other. This is your fear of the unknown manifesting. Your reasons for ending things were valid and still stand. You need to give yourself more time to adjust to your new circumstances. The worst thing you can do is go back on your decision. You would only end up breaking up again hurting her further and wasting both of your time. The kindest thing you can do for both of you is strict no contact. Focus on your friends and on meeting new people. Doubt is a normal phase for many dumpers. The healthiest way in the case you described is enduring it until it subsides. The reasons you broke up with her still stand.

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The fact that you weren't excited to be with her, couldn't picture yourself having a future with her and the fact that you were unsettled by the idea of meeting her family makes me seriously question why you would ever want to go back with this person. Yeah, of course it sucks that you are losing someone who showed you so much love and affection because you're not getting that anymore. Don't go back to her though just to get those feelings back. I did this in a previous relationship and ended up doing another year and a half of this same thing (feeling it was never gonna work out/not feeling excited) and I stayed in it because it was easy and comfortable. In the end we broke up for the same reason as the first time except I wasted another year and a half on a person I wasn't excited about and I really crushed this girl because she expected us to get married. So don't be selfish and go back with her just because you want to feel that love and comfort again, find someone that you are really excited about instead.

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You did the right thing. I was in the same position as you 3ish months ago, my ex was very into me and was planning on introducing his family, take me overseas on a trip, plan the next year of our lives...

It just made me feel dread. I don't regret ending things but I do know I really hurt him. But when your gut is telling you something insistently, it's really important to listen to it. Don't waste her time.

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You didn't make a mistake at all. You were not that into her, you recognized this, and did the right thing ending it.

 

You miss her company but that is where it ends. If you two reunited, you would almost certainly break up with her again. Chemistry is an important part of a romantic relationship, as it's one the key elements that distinguishes a couple from just a pair of good friends. The chemistry and romantic interest simply wasn't there for you. But you will find it in someone else, and it's best that you leave her be so she can heal and find someone who's excited about her, too.

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Hi everyone,

 

I’m 28 years old and I broke up with my girlfriend 2 days ago. She’s 22, we met online, and we had been dating for 9 months. I broke up with her because for the back half of the relationship, I had been feeling extremely ambivalent towards her and our relationship. I enjoyed her company enough, but I never felt particularly excited to see her and would often wish that I could cancel my plans with her, and hang out with other friends instead. There was basically a deep seeded feeling that we weren’t right for each other, and when I imagine my future wife, I just don’t picture her. There was nothing particularly wrong with her or the relationship. We never fought and she is a great person (sweet, caring, a good listener, attractive). But I just had this unshakable feeling that this wasn’t right. She was very much in love with me, and even went as far as inviting herself to my family home for Thanksgiving (I’m from the east coast, she and I live out west). This didn’t sit well with me, and that was one of the first times that I seriously considered ending things (this was 2 months ago).

 

She was devastated when I broke up with her, and I haven’t stopped thinking about her since and am missing her. Everyone who I trust (friends, family) told me that I am doing the right thing, and I agreed, but now I’m spending lots of time doubting myself and the decision I made.

 

Some external factors I should mention: I lost my dog a few weeks ago which made me very upset, and I’m still in the process of eventually trying to move back to the east coast. She is going to med school within the next few years, and I would have hated for her decision on where to go be influenced in any way by where I end up.

 

Has anyone been through anything like this that could offer some advice? I’m terrified that I’ve made a mistake. Thank you!

You're going through something totally normal. When you're used to having someone around and they aren't around anymore, you'll miss them a little bit. I think everyone goes through that. You made a decision and you should stick with that. Because if you go back to her for what you're feeling right now, you're eventually going to get back to the feeling that made you break it off first.

 

Don't play games with her. Follow your instincts. You weren't right for each other.

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Maybe take a closer look at why you didn't see her in your future. That way you'll be more certain of your decision and you won't do this again.

It's probably not her looks, because you knew that from the beginning.

Did you get bored? No drama? Conversation not interesting? Then next time look for better conversation (or drama).

Did you feel smothered? Then hold your boundaries next time.

Was there a deal breaker? Didn't share same values? Now you know who not to date.

And lastly, did you get involved with her KNOWING she's not right for you long term. But you wanted to date casually. She became serious and that scared you. In the future make it clear to the girl that you don't want a relationship. A lot of girls only want casual hookups also. This way no one gets hurt.

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