Job Offer in London!

Hey guys, as many of you know, I have a good friend who lives in England (whom I met in Greece many years back) and have visited her often. I love England, London is my second favorite city!

She and her husband (brief marriage long story ) just separated and she's been practically begging me to come live with her; while I have also been contemplating a move abroad, either London or south of France (Nice) where my cousin lives.

I used to work for a very large international law firm with offices in London. A few weeks back, I ran into an attorney I used to work with and he told me he is relocating to their London office to work on a large intellectual property matter, and told me they also have a one-year contract opening for a legal admin assistant, and told me he would love it if I would apply.

So on a whim, I did, and long story short, with his recommendation, they offered me the job!

The job begins mid-December. My friend will be moving to London next month, and is now putting on the pressure for me to accept the offer, which I must admit sounds like an awesome opportunity!

I mean it's just so easy how this worked out, and how often do opps like this happen?

Anyway, as you can imagine I am completely torn as I've been dating a man for almost seven months and super happy with him.

But, it hasn't been without its challenges, which I don't really want to get into, but we do love each other.

He knows that I've been considering a move overseas, but he never took it seriously, he would tease me about it, like I was joking with him or something.

Which bugged me cause it was like he wasn't wishing to know the *real* me, or discuss why I was feeling that way. He sees what he wants to see.

As a result, lately I have been feeling down about him and our relationship. I know it's me, perhaps I'm just not the "settling down" type, or going through a phase as our relationship heads towards another level of commitment (he wants me to consider us living together).

This weekend he is out of town on a photo assignment which gives me time to think. But my brain is spinning and I need help processing all this.

Many of you have helped me so much previously, any words of wisdom here would be so appreciated!

Thanks in advance.

Which bugged me cause it was like he wasn't wishing to know the *real* me, or discuss why I was feeling that way. He sees what he wants to see.

is that true all around in all areas or is it that he doesn't really want to confront the issue of you moving as a reality? Some people tease because they are uncomfortable talking about something. I would be fishing to see if the other person was just saying that for me to buzz off. its way too soon for him to go with you. Its too long for you to just to go and not say anything or not make a decision about the relationship. Its just one year, not forever (but you probably could make it longer if you wanted), and so therefore, you break up or because the end is in sight, you decide to leave it open ended or LDR with visits because you WILL be back....

Katrina, this is just a question I'm throwing out there before I get further into your post...but it seems like your most recent relationship (before your current one) also kind of ran out of steam at about the 7 month mark.

Anything to that?

Its a year contract. What's the plan after the year is up?

Also: Why get into a serious relationship when you were thinking of moving thousands of miles away? Until you're settled and doing what you want to do and where you want to do it, why not keep things to casual dating with no strings attached? If you move to London, you're going to go through the same thing with another man there if you make it serious/monogamous and then you may end up moving yet again.

What will you end up doing if they don't offer you anything past that one year contract?

That sounds very exciting.

I would want to go, but I understand how your relationship causes hesitation.

Last year, I turned down an opportunity to work overseas (and make a lot more money) mainly because of my boyfriend.

We would have stayed together while I was gone, but I felt like I would miss out on so much with him.

The additional money would have been great, but I value my relationship more.

Also one day we may move overseas together, so that opportunity is not completely lost.

I can't say that I regret my decision.

However, if you are reaching a crossroads in your current relationship, maybe this would make a good jumping off point.

Come :)))))

Katrina, this is just a question I'm throwing out there before I get further into your post...but it seems like your most recent relationship (before your current one) also kind of ran out of steam at about the 7 month mark.

 

Anything to that?

Yah it lasted five months, that is why I think it might be me, feeling restless, not having it in me to settle down or something.

Or maybe I am, but as I get more into the "meat" of the relationship, demands start being made, I start noticing things I hadn't noticed previously, concluding they're just not the right fit me?

Combined with my quest for the wanderlust, I don't know anymore.

Good question though, tnx.

Come :)))))

Really???

.....

So exciting! I say..go for it! Life only gives you so many opportunities and surely you'll regret it if you don't take this chance.

Everything seems to have lined up perfectly.I really do hope you take it. I have envy..lol.

Yah it lasted five months, that is why I think it might be me, feeling restless, not having it in me to settle down or something.

 

Or maybe I am, but as I get more into the "meat" of the relationship, demands start being made, I start noticing things I hadn't noticed previously, concluding they're just not the right fit me?

 

Combined with my quest for the wanderlust, I don't know anymore.

 

Good question though, tnx.

I'm going back to your thread where you mentioned you had such a good connection from an online interaction with this man wherein I said up until you meet and actually get to know one another, your interactions are "superficial" at best. One can't really know someone based on words without actions.

I'm sorry you're feeling restless and I'm also sorry that its not working out for you. I say: Do what you really want to do. In the meantime, figure out what your end dating goal is before you date again if you take the job in London.

Yah it lasted five months, that is why I think it might be me, feeling restless, not having it in me to settle down or something.

 

Or maybe I am, but as I get more into the "meat" of the relationship, demands start being made, I start noticing things I hadn't noticed previously, concluding they're just not the right fit me?

 

Combined with my quest for the wanderlust, I don't know anymore.

 

Good question though, tnx.

Well, maybe you're currently a serial monogamist. Stay with one guy for several months, then move on.

I used to be like that except my relationships lasted anywhere from 2 years to 4 years. My former boss called me the "maneater" lol, because he said I used them up and spit them out. It wasn't true (I was usually the "dumpee"), but it was funny.

You're young, there's nothing wrong with being a serial monogamist as long as the men are OK with it.

As for the overseas job, in your current state of mind I think it would be an excellent opportunity. Plus, if you're feeling unsatisfied in your relationship it would be a way to ease out of it (the perfect "excuse", as it were).

Really???

 

.....

Just posted some photos of Tower Bridge in my journal. Take a look, they will persuade you haha :)

As I see it, there are two separate things here: Your relationship, and your desire to explore London/excitement/job offer.

It's almost impossible to answer, but:

--If you had never met this guy, and you were the same single girl you were 7 months ago, before you met, would you go?

--Knowing what you know now about him and your relationship, do you want a relationship with him to survive LDR for a year?

Here's the thing: If you two are really solid, and you just have that amazing feeling, then this move could be a really exciting part of the tapestry of your relationship. This year could include rendez-vous in Europe, plus a trip back home or two for you. It could include late-night FaceTime calls (X-rated, lol!), etc.

Or, it could be a way of gently bowing out of the relationship. One person misses a call, one person chats someone cute up at a Starbucks, and you part ways, and wish each other well.

These are all questions only you can answer.

What a great, exciting offer though!

I will have to look into what happens when the contract ends. I've had other contract jobs (in the U.S.) and they either extended the contract or hired me perm before the contract was even up.

I also think about what my dad said to me before he died about "standing still" with a man instead of running when things aren't "perfect" anymore.

Not that things ever were perfect, but hopefully you know what I mean..

OK so definitely NOT a slam dunk decision/suggestion. I would go, definitely, if I were you. Here's why: you've always wanted to do this. A one year contract doesn't always present itself and I mean that this way you get to test it out -a year isn't forever and then you can bow out after a year and your CV stays consistent because it was a one year contract (yes, I know full well the attorney might extend it, you might get a permanent offer -indeed, likely you would - but you get to bow out and look good/not burn bridges if London is not your thing).

The relationship - so it's one year. You can be long distance for one year. By then you will have been dating 9 months. Is it feasible for the two of you to see each other every 2 months at the outside? I do not think he should come with you because you feel unsettled/unsure so it's not fair to him. Too far to relocate, the international component, etc.

I think you would deeply regret not taking this opportunity for this particular relationship. I would feel differently if after 7 months you two were engaged with a wedding date and he could not relocate for professional/personal reasons. Then you keep your engaged/marital commitment. I understand he would like to live together and without more don't understand how that increases your commitment to each other - if it's more than sharing living space I didn't see that in your post.

Also as a personal bias if you are close with that cousin it would be great for you to be closer to her. My closest cousin and dear friend passed away almost 14 years ago from cancer at a young age and I miss her so. I got to spend a lot of time with her her last several years of life, including before the tragic diagnosis, in person, and I remember her telling me at dinner one night how happy she was that we were so close again (we'd been close as children/teenagers). You never know what will happen, I hope your cousin lives a healthy looongg life but it's really cool to be close and to get to see each other too!!

Katrina, we cross-posted. I have a post just above yours (mine is #13).

Another thing though, re: the 5 month mark of your last relationship, the 7-month mark of this one: totally normal.

At around 6 months, our masks start to come off. Oxytocin starts to wane. Serotonin hits aren't as pronounced. We are now seeing who they really are, as they are seeing who we really are. So it's not surprising, that around the 6-month mark, you are seeing that certain relationships maybe just aren't meant to last. That's ok.

Regarding your BF's comments that were really teasing about your desire to move, rather than him really having listened to you, that could be just that he never really thought you were serious. Kind of like, him saying he wants to bungee jump one day, or something similar. He might really, seriously mean it, but you think it's sort of a pie-in-the-sky joking thing by him. So don't give your BF too hard of a time for not really understanding that you are actually serious about a desire to live overseas. He only knows what you spend time telling him, so it might be time for a sit-down, heart-to-heart discussion about this.

Hey LG, tnx I did miss it.

I'm exhausted (mentally) right now and the fact so many of you are encouraging this is so awesome! While at the same time scaring me as this could actually become a reality!

To LG, if I had never met my bf and were single, this would not even be an issue, I'd go, I'm there.

If I do choose to go, my bf and I would end the RL, neither of us is interested in long distance, especially that long, 6000 miles.

We have discussed this in general terms, not w/r/t to this situation cause I have not told him yet.

And my heart is racing and on the verge tears just thinking about telling him..

While at the same time, excited for this opportunity!

But yes you've discussed it generally -who knows how he will react when it is reality? Also there's the possibility that you return after a year, he's single again and the two of you pick up where you left off. Also agree with LH girl that he might not have gagued how serious you actually were about overseas opportunities.

Congrats!! I'm all for taking once in a lifetime opportunities, but........I'd choose love over leaving.

However.....you're questioning your relationship,so I say take the offer. If you weren't, I'd tell you to stay.

I also think about what my dad said to me before he died about "standing still" with a man instead of running when things aren't "perfect" anymore.

 

Not that things ever were perfect, but hopefully you know what I mean..

That's how relationships last. Smart man 😘 Seldom do we apply that though 🙄

 

Also agree with LH girl that he might not have gagued how serious you actually were about overseas opportunities.

Right and am paying very close attention to that too. Like why did he not take me seriously? And make a joke about it like I was messing with him or something?

It's as if he has this image of me being the "perfect" gf, and anything that deviates from that image, he dismisses.

Maybe I am too sensitive but when he dismisses it and makes a joke, it sends me the message he does not want to know and "understand" the real me.

This isn't the only time either, I dunno to me his attitude seems kinda arrogant.

I think you might be too sensitive on this particular point. I always listened very carefully to future plans like that and would follow up to determine the level of seriousness because as you know I was laser-focused on marriage/family so I wanted to know about plans like that that would either result in ending the relationship or infinite long distance. I didn't treat it like a joke but honestly not because I cared that much about his hopes/dreams. I also know and know of a lot of people who are all talk about big moves like that.

Pretend like this job offer never happened, nor do you have any contacts in London.

How do you feel about your relationship and its future? Evaluate the relationship independent of moving.

 

While at the same time, excited for this opportunity!

Ask youself this question:

What are you going to regret the most: breaking up with your bf or not seizing the opportunity?

I am not the best person to give you advices since I stay single because I want to seize chances like this without something holding me back.... But you are different.When do you have to reply? Think it thoroughly before you answer to them.

 

I also know and know of a lot of people who are all talk about big moves like that.

Well if that is what his thought process is about me and my thoughts, dreams, fantasies, or whatever, then I think I'll take a pass. It's insulting and does not foster true emotional intimacy, imo

I'm not just *someone* who discusses my dreams and desires just to *talk.*

I am his gf, a woman he claims to love, and it's part of my nature to dream, and for the wanderlust.

And if he doesn't care or just thinks I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth for the hell of it, no thank you.

Thnx B, probably wasn't your intention, but you just brought me closer to making my decision. The right decision.