oldest sister is a Mother hen

Oldest sister(OS) was recruited to help middle sister(MS) “pack her stuff and get out” as stated by MS’s boy friend of a one year relationship.

Three weeks later MS and boy friend reconcile.

Last weekend OS invited her grandma and grandpa to come three hours south as well as my wife and I to come an hour south to the town both she and her middle sister live in. The plans were a day at the pumpkin farm with OS’s newlywed husband and his 3 year old son. We inquired about MS’s involvement considering she was only two miles away visiting her boyfriend and his 2 year old son.

However OS did not want anything to do with the boyfriend and was not intending on inviting them. This was a harsh reality. Our family is small in this area. My wife, our three daughters and my in-laws. But we are very close. MS’s boy friend (DS) is immature and has caused ripples in our family in the past. Most recently the month before OS’s wedding. I would like nothing more than to see that relationship run it’s corse and be done with him.

With social media being what it is, it wasn’t long before MS got wind of the family outing that she was not invited to.

This has caused much heart ach in our family.

Both daughters are in their early 20’s and are wonderful in their individual ways. OS is protective, a good role model, educated and successful in family and career. MS is kind and loving. Her loyalty is unwavering. She has always had a hard time in school, yet never gives up. They both have had their challenges with each other and life itself. But they are close and strong for it.

The holidays are upon us and this rift is not going away. My wife and I have both reached out to, what has been up till now, our reasonable oldest daughter. Explaining our role as family is to “love and support each other’s decisions”. By alienating DS she essentially is pushing MS away. But she will not budge.

A fresh look at this would be appreciated.

I would stay out of it . Little sis is doing to stick with guy until she is tired of him and older sis is not going to put up with his malarkey in her life . Neither is wrong. Just be nice to both your sisters .

As my mother always says though you pay for who you’re with or who you’re married to . Good or bad. Just don’t get in the middle .

You can't change people. The family dynamics are what they are and may always have been. Best thing you can do is not destroy your own happiness or your marriage by subjecting your wife to this drama. Create some healthy boundaries. Deal with each sibling one-on-one and don't engage in sibling wars.

They are adults, they pick their spouses whether you can stand them or not. Just be polite. You didn't pick theses people and don't have to love them.

At holidays stay out of their over enmeshed over involved gossip, dynamics, feuds, etc and just enjoy them with your wife and make visits brief but pleasant.

Well, I will play Miss Manners here and say that this is Oldest Sister's get together and she can invite anyone she wants to (or not invite anybody she wants to). If you and the grandparents want to drive over to Middle Sister's place afterwards (since it's only two miles away), then do so. Oldest sister is probably fed up with Middle Sister's choice of boyfriends, especially if the guy's been abusive or whatever, and after spending her time helping to move her out only to see the sister move back in, she probably doesn't want to see the sister and her boyfriend again for some time. And I'm sure you and the grandparents don't want to see the two sisters go at each other during a family event. I suggest just visiting Middle Sister afterwards.

By alienating DS she essentially is pushing MS away.

DS and MS alienated themselves by pulling OS into their dispute. Rule of thumb: if you don't want family to hate your partner, don't involve them in any drama with that partner. Otherwise, you might kiss and make up with partner, but you'll leave any family you involved furious with you--and you've just created an enemy for your partner.

I'd stay out of this, invite whoever you want for your own gatherings without getting pressured into explaining or altering your guest list, and attend whichever gatherings you wish without commenting about anyone else in the family.

You'll thank yourself later.