On a roller coaster and ready to jump

Hello, I have been having a really tough time after a separation after being married for 4 years. The roller coaster ride is insane, tears in my eyes on the way down, feeling amazing on the way up, everyday is different. I have been doing no contact, but I broke it a few days ago to see her (man, how do you guys even get though the days without seeing that person you love). I can tell she really wants to see me because the day before I asked if she deleted me from a messenger app and I said if this is what you need I will do the same. She panicked and contacted me the next day by text and phone, so we met up. The interaction was good, but she has no respect for me, so subconsciously she feels this dislike, resentment and no longer feels those romantic feelings towards me.

For me, I now REALLY want no contact, I want that person I wanted to become before I met her, no passive *****. When I met her, I was discovering myself, I was this very shy handsome dude breaking out of his shell as an introvert and wanting to be an extrovert. I hate being an introvert, I love interactions and getting out, I was abuse as a child which closed me off to the world. When we moved in together I lost all my progress of discovering myself and became an introvert again due to some marriage issues and it made her lose respect for me (seriously dude, slap yourself), I wasn't that same dude she met that was discovering himself. I'M JUMPING OFF THIS ROLLER COASTER AND FINDING THIS DUDE (ME) WHO I CAN LOVE. I HATE ME.

I want to be a casanova of charm, the king of my domain, the master of seduction, the wizard of words and a chef(cooking is awesome). This is like me discovering I'm gay (nothing wrong with it), I'm just tired.... of me.

Anyone else struggle with their image of themselves after a breakup? Not being in love with who they are? Did it take sometime to discover yourself and find that person in you that you could love?

Keeping strong!

Well, women in particular blame themselves for a break up and suffer self-image issues. That they weren't pretty enough, or smart enough, or too emotional, etc. But guys can feel this way, especially if they were abused as a child and because of whatever happened in their relationship. The advice is to distract yourself with hanging out with friends and family, exercise, build yourself up, go for walks in nature, go to movies and plays, etc. Just keep busy and say motivational things to yourself, such as you are important, that you are a somebody, etc. We recommend going no contact with your ex. It only hurts you more and keeps you from moving on. If you want to talk about what actually went wrong in your relationship, feel free here. We'll give you advice for that too.

Is this why you decided to separate? How long have you been living apart? Who filed for divorce? As far as no contact, if you have both retained attorneys then you can let them do the talking.

This is like me discovering I'm gay

Thanks DanZee,

Yes, keeping myself busy. I have a lot to do, so no shortage there. My ex has childhood issues, when she stresses, she gets very angry and shuts everyone out. She studied a lot, so it was really hard on me having to deal with it every night for 2 years. I also shut down and used work as my outlet and no longer worked on the marriage. I hated the situation the last few months and said something needs to change or we need to do something about it. I worked hard to try and change it (reading as many relationship guides as I could), but the respect was gone and boundaries were walked all over.

The hard thing is, when you put so much effort in, it makes everything hurt worse.

Is this why you decided to separate? How long have you been living apart? Who filed for divorce? As far as no contact, if you have both retained attorneys then you can let them do the talking.

I meant to put in there that I'm not gay.

We have been living apart for 13 days. None of us has filed for divorce. She just told me that she wants to separate, and I just don't want to hear from her right now. Feeling stars like I been kidney punched.

I didn't have to move out, I choose to. Having no respect, she got no sleep because of the stress and also the anger didn't help at all when we would talk. We desperately needed space, I was really concerned about her health.

Who moved out of the marital home? Where are you staying? You need an attorney if she wants to separate. Get your ducks in a row financially asap.

As far as your emotions, seeing a therapist is long overdue. Do you feel your roller coaster emotions and shutting her out with working contributed to the demise of the marriage? Were there frequent episode of discord, arguments and threats of divorce? How volatile was the marriage?

Did either of you cheat? Do either of you drink heavily or use drugs? Do either of you have any sort of moos disorders? Did you ever get along with her? Why did you marry and then both proceed to destroy it in such a brief period?

We been living apart for 13 days. None of us has filed for divorce. She just told me that she wants to separate, and I just don't want to hear from her right now.

Who moved out of the marital home? Where are you staying? You need an attorney if she wants to separate. Get your ducks in a row financially asap.

I appreciate your help.

I moved out due to her health issues. I'm staying in a hotel currently. Financially she said she just wants the car, we worked out a compromise. The dog is the hardest one we have yet to talk about.

As far as your emotions, seeing a therapist is long overdue. Do you feel your roller coaster emotions and shutting her out with working contributed to the demise of the marriage? Were there frequent episode of discord, arguments and threats of divorce? How volatile was the marriage?

Yes, you're right, if I do get time, I will start with one. No, the roller coaster of emotions happened when I moved out because I realized how close we were and that it's hard to find that with someone, we both talked and knew we weren't working out and that something had to be done, and we agreed that we needed space to reset all the negative emotions.

There was rarely any arguments, no threats of divorce. The marriage was just going along smoothly, but we both knew something wasn't right and when I started trying to change the situation, we both realized we were too far gone. We just needed to be away from each other since we could no longer communicate effectively. I have been reading a book on agreement communication, and will help me for future relationships. (now I can argue like the presidents)

She did cheat emotionally when she was drunk one night. She drinks heavily lately and has a mood disorder (the anger). I get along with her really well other than that, she is the closest person to me. Like the last time we met we talked about her past and how it affected our marriage and that she needs to do something about it if she ever wants to feel fulfilled in life. She never opens up and never wants to be vulnerable, so I got her to open up to me about her past.

It's the lost respect, negative feelings and lost feelings that I can't turn around right now.

I think the one word to sum everything up is comfort. We didn't have tools to deal with the emotional connection and communication, we became comfortable on how things were and it worked but I wanted more. I wanted those butterflies again on taking her to a great place. I wanted... love.

Get a lawyer. Unless you want a lifetime of misery. If you are legally married, it's not as simple as she gets the car you get the dog...and done. Marriage is a legal contract that you will need to dissolve in court and the assets will be divided.

However it sounds like just another bad fight due to Bipolar disorder and alcoholism and you'll move back in and continue on your chosen roller coaster... hoping she changes, hoping she stops getting drunk, hoping she takes her medication, etc..

I'm staying in a hotel currently. I moved out due to her health issues. She drinks heavily lately and has a mood disorder.

I live in Korea, I have a friend who is divorced. I'll ask him what legal battles he went through and how divorce is handled here.

You're most likely right wiseman. The thing is, I don't want that old relationship, it's long and gone. I've been really working hard on myself to become the person I love, reading a lot lately on relationships. If I do get back with her, there are going to be boundaries set that will prevent things like this in the future. In korea no one will take medication, it will affect their job opportunities unfortunately.

Have you sought therapy to deal with the abuse?

There is a lot going on with her: cheater, alcoholic and manic depressive who does not meditate. I think you need to understand why you would want to return to this dynamic. it sounds dramatic and toxic.

How can you set boundaries with an alcoholic who will not take meds for mental illness? This does not work. Please get out of this and find someone without so many issues.