Financial Discrepancy in Relationships

I've written about my BF here before. We've been seeing each other very seriously for a little over a year, and prior to that were consistently dating for over 3 (long story as to why it took so long, but all is mostly very good now).

He is VERY good to me in many ways. I make enough money to support myself in kind of a very "regular" lifestyle (albeit in a very expensive city). I have a very regular job. I own my home, and can do some nice things, but I don't have much disposable income after that at all. He is in a very different position than me financially. While he's not overly extravagant, he works his dream job, which is artistic nature, and enjoys much continued success in this arena. He owns multiple homes, and basically has significant more income than me (and more than many of his friends). He's early 50s; I'm early 40s.

Here's my issue. I often feel guilty and/or nervous about this. He pays for me far more than I pay for him. I always offer to pay when we go out to dinner, buy groceries for weekends away together, etc. He occasionally lets me pay or contribute, but the reality is he pays far more than i do. (To put it in perspective a little bit, he also is often the guy who pays for friends when we're out... not always, but it does happen).

In addition to that, he likes to go on trips, and he basically pays for those trips. It's really lovely, but I'm currently stressed about it. When we go away, it's automatically a baseline "expense" for me because I miss work and therefore don't get paid for the days I'm away. When we do travel, I offer to pay for dinners and miscellaneous things (and he occasionally lets me), but really the bulk is paid for by him.

We *just* got back from a beautiful trip to Europe. And today he proposed that we go on *another* short trip to Europe at the end of the month (it would be to celebrate his birthday, and also to see his best friend, who lives in Asia but will be in Europe briefly). He made it understood that he would only go on this trip if I go with him. He also spends about a week a month on the west coast, and generally wants me to come (usually just for a weekend), and again he is willing to pay for it (albeit for those trips its frequent flier miles, of which he has plenty, but still...). He's also planning another group trip for Christmas, and then also tends to bring me on his family vacations with his children.

I realize this is hardly something to complain about, but while it's very wonderful, it makes me nervous and stressed out. It also makes me wonder about how things could/would work if we really wanted to say, move in together some day or formalize our relationship more. I understand that he WANTS me on these trips, and enjoys them *because* I'm there, but I still feel a bit uncomfortable. How can I feel like more of an equal? I never feel I can adequately repay him. Is this all leading to a point where the other shoe drops and he somehow resents this? How do these things usually work? There is also a small part of me that worries about the power dynamic in this kind of arrangement. We recently had a little argument (since resolved) but he basically said "I took on an amazing trip, you therefore can't be upset at me for anything." (This isn't something he usually does, but it worried me).

Any thoughts/advice/experience appreciated.

We recently had a little argument (since resolved) but he basically said "I took on an amazing trip, you therefore can't be upset at me for anything." (This isn't something he usually does, but it worried me).

 

Any thoughts/advice/experience appreciated.

I was with you all up to here ^^ Can you expound on this comment? You say it isn't something he usually does, but why the comment at that moment? Because everything you shared would make me feel uncomfortable if he articulated the fact that you were somehow indebted or expected to over look things because of his generosity.

I was with you all up to here ^^ Can you expound on this comment? You say it isn't something he usually does, but why the comment at that moment? Because everything you shared would make me feel uncomfortable if he articulated the fact that you were somehow indebted or expected to over look things because of his generosity.

Yes, what you describe does scare me a bit. The context of that particular comment was: I had picked a bit of a fight with him about something unrelated, less than a week after our return (short argument, which was resolved quickly). During the argument, in the heat of them moment he said "I just spent $xxxx bringing you to Europe! Why are you getting upset about this other matter." As soon as he said that, I felt instantly stupid for starting an unnecessary argument. That being said, of course I wouldn't feel comfortable in a long term situations where I was expected to not air my grievances and concerns, as some kind of compensation for his financial generosity. I have no reason to think that is the expectation here, but it does occur to me that that there might be an underlying power dynamic.

So my overall concerns include this, but also just an overall feeling of a bit of guilt... wondering if I should refuse the trips, etc.

You may not think he's buying you affection, but do you wonder if he does after that remark?

I wouldn't like that remark either. I am actually fine with the person who wants to do things outside the other person's budget paying more/paying for the person who cannot afford it. Not ok for him to use it as a bargaining chip or like you owe him. He said it in the heat of the moment. I guess he gets a one off. Wouldn't hurt when you are both calm to explore further whether he actually feels that way.

I ask because my marriage was exactly that way and I was reminded of how indebted I was whenever I voiced a legitimate concern.

Ultimately I lost my voice and issues when unaddressed. `because afterall . .. remember all I have done for you'

Now. . fast forward and 18 years later I still get very uncomfortable with a man's generosity and I have some difficulties letting them help me with anything.

But at the same time if it's what you partners healthy currency can be - acts of service - to deny them hurts the relationship in the long run.

It's always a challenge for me to try to decipher what the intention is behind the gift and I am capable of seeing it in a wrong light if I am not careful.

Just something to think about. Is he really keeping score -or- are you afraid that you feel indebted when you shouldn't?

It's not an easy answer. I feel for you. Only you will ultimately figure out the dynamic between the two of you.

If he said it once, I'd let it go. . but I would definitely be on the look out.

I was with you all up to here ^^ Can you expound on this comment? You say it isn't something he usually does, but why the comment at that moment? Because everything you shared would make me feel uncomfortable if he articulated the fact that you were somehow indebted or expected to over look things because of his generosity.

I too would like you to elaborate on this senario, more than you already have would be useful for better context. What were you specifically upset with him about?

It really isn't about that specific fight -- or even about his comment. My concerns and feelings about this preceded both. I am super appreciative of his generosity. in some ways and to enjoy some very nice things with him. On the other hand, I often feel guilty about it... or just a bit weird...

BTW, he doesn't buy me expensive gifts or support my lifestyle in general. Most of his generosity comes in the form of just paying for us to do nice things together.

It also makes me wonder about how things would or could work or what it would be like to actual live with or be married to him. I can't even fathom how it would comfortably work (for me), and it concerns me. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I've lived my whole life being very independent.

It really isn't about that specific fight -- or even about his comment. My concerns and feelings about this preceded both. I am super appreciative of his generosity. in some ways and to enjoy some very nice things with him. On the other hand, I often feel guilty about it... or just a bit weird...

 

BTW, he doesn't buy me expensive gifts or support my lifestyle in general. Most of his generosity comes in the form of just paying for us to do nice things together.

 

It also makes me wonder about how things would or could work or what it would be like to actual live with or be married to him. I can't even fathom how it would comfortably work (for me), and it concerns me. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I've lived my whole life being very independent.

So one option is that you only do things where you can contribute equally or you take on other tasks if you end up living together or married - you can't afford the expensive trip but you can run errands for him or take care of other things for him -you don't even have to spell it out but then it might feel more balanced to you.

Hmmm.

I confess this all struck a chord with me—but being more in your bf's shoes. I've had a solid little artsy career since I was young, and now, nearing 40, it's expanded quite a bit. The multi-home stuff, the trips, the picking up the tab—with women, with friends. I'm kind of that guy and have been that guy for most of my adult life, and these tensions have come up here and there

For whatever it's worth, I don't scorekeep for a second. Money, to me, is boring—just a means to an end. It puts tires on my motorcycle, buys nice cocktails for me and friends, can take the gf out (or, yeah, get the gf to Europe if her budget is tighter). It comes and goes and is just not that interesting to me.

I'm of mixed minds about what you've written here. Like others, I don't love his little comment, because it speaks to some idea that the price of his generosity is that you're not allowed to be upset about...whatever. You are, and it's his job to listen. It also speaks to the potential idea that he equates material giving with emotional giving, or as a stand in, which isn't cute.

That said, people say dumb stuff here and there, so if it's not a pattern I'd say that's easy to let go.

Less easy, though, are your own feelings. The guilt, the questioning. You seem pretty hung up on the material stuff, as opposed to seeing that there are a bevy of ways to make things equal, as Batya pointed out. Where do you think that comes from? Aside from your own independent streak, could it be that you question the depth of his emotional investment even as he is fiscally generous?

While I do agree it would be troubling if he took paying for you as license to be a without rebuke, if by your admission you're picking a completely unnecessary fight, you can't be surprised if he ever fights petty with his own petty. Not sure what the fight was about, but if my lady just treated me to a vacation, I couldn't imagine then busting her balls over leaving a dirty cup in the sink.

Whether you can handle an income discrepancy in general is something only you can determine. It's the dynamic my wife and I have. It works because I don't take it for granted. I'm not going to be the one suggesting going to a resort if it's a time I know she is who's going to end up funding the bulk of it. But if she wants to go, it's because she's fine with it. I rest easy because I know deep down I don't take advantage of it or try to. Many people are inherently uncomfortable with it. Again, that's between and the mirror.

It really isn't about that specific fight -- or even about his comment. My concerns and feelings about this preceded both. I am super appreciative of his generosity. in some ways and to enjoy some very nice things with him. On the other hand, I often feel guilty about it... or just a bit weird...

 

BTW, he doesn't buy me expensive gifts or support my lifestyle in general. Most of his generosity comes in the form of just paying for us to do nice things together.

 

It also makes me wonder about how things would or could work or what it would be like to actual live with or be married to him. I can't even fathom how it would comfortably work (for me), and it concerns me. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I've lived my whole life being very independent.

Well if you don't want to provide that context, then that's fine. I get you want to emphasize your desire to be treated as an equal. However, I do wonder if you are doing yourself a disservice in that regard, in reference to a previous thread you've made about him paying you to ride coach instead of first class. While I think you have good intentions, I am concerned how you come across unknowingly. If you would like to clear that up by providing more context, then it would be more helpful in giving you advice. Otherwise I am, for a lack of a better word, suspicious there is more to the story than you realize.

I can only hope those kind of intrusive thoughts don't produce the opposite effect, concerning your desire to be independent. Surely, I wouldn't want you to feel insecure about your financial or romantic situation either. An ambiguous description of your feelings about the events that transpired is not helpful. Descriptive facts are.

 

We recently had a little argument (since resolved) but he basically said "I took on an amazing trip, you therefore can't be upset at me for anything." (This isn't something he usually does, but it worried me).

 

What was your response to this? Did you stand up for yourself and adamantly tell him one thing (him paying for your trip to Europe) has zero to do with the other (whatever you were upset about)?

That while you appreciate very much all he does for you financially and otherwise, that you don't appreciate him expecting a free pass on issues that concern you because of it?

Yes it does very much sound like there is power imbalance here, but it's NOT because of the financial disparity.

I've said this to you before in other threads but the power imbalance is because you refuse to stand up to him, and for yourself, allowing him to dictate the dynamic of him being superior to you and you acquiescing to his moods, wants, needs, etc.

If you insist on feeling guilty about him paying, there are plenty of ways you can give back that don't involve money. I do, and have, in all my relationships and the disparity was never an issue.

If you want to feel more of a balance, more of an equal, my advice would be to stop allowing him dictate the rules and control the dynamic.

Stand up for yourself more, and to him when he says (or does) jerky things and/or tries using his generosity to lord it over you when you bring up an issue he doesn't want to discuss. Or causes you to feel inferior in other ways, like yatsue mentioned, him sitting in first class and relegating you to business class during a long flight.

If you can do that, can almost guarantee you will feel more empowered in this relationship and HE will see you as more of an equal as well.

Start exercising some of that independent spirit you claim to have. Having an independent spirit involves a lot more than contributing equally financially.

What was your response to this? Did you stand up for yourself and adamantly tell him one thing (him paying for your trip to Europe) has zero to do with the other (whatever you were upset about)?

 

That while you appreciate very much all he does for you financially and otherwise, that you don't appreciate him expecting a free pass on issues that concern you because of it?

That's my question.

Did you silently steam and store it up to post on an internet forum, or did you assert yourself?

I still think you are building resentment towards him because you are allowing him to buy you off.

Being treated is fine. Allowing someone to eat into your own independence is not.

If you want him to treat you like an equal , stop trying to keep up with him and his lifestyle. Meet in the middle. If you turn out to be incompatible, so be it.

Taking time off work while you are going in the hole two ways - can't afford the time off without pay plus tossing money into expenses that to him may be peanuts, but to you is bread and butter, is not sustainable.

You are twisting and turning and all so it's more convienent for him?! No. It should be convienent and sustainable and help both people grow their ventures too.

Ultimately you are treating him as more important than you, that's why there's a problem. It should never get to a point where someone can say you can't be whoever the heck you are going to be because they paid for something. That's an ugly seed of someone feeling you do not pull your weight and so can be talked down to.

OP has stood up plenty.

In this case, she refuses to expound on what kind of (by her admission) unnecessary and trivial argument she brought up. While any one of us, myself included, would like to fancy ourselves a better person, if I'd recently dropped money for both my wife and I to go on vacation and she immediately proceeded to go off on the dishwasher being loaded incorrectly, there's a pretty good chance I wouldn't put up with getting chastised over plastics on the first rack after dropping $3000 bones for the trip. Don't raise petty arguments if you don't want the other person coming back on you petty.

Read the last five threads. Lady wants drama. Lady's gonna get drama.

It sounds like when he wants companionship he is willing to pay to have it in his own lifestyle. However, have there ever been discussions about any future or is it speculation on your part? Income/wealth discrepancy is not the issue. Many couples have started out that way.

This issue is he seems to pay for your companionship but has no plans to have any future with you or fully include you in his lifestyle, except for treating you when you are his companion. You deny it's about his remark however it was extremely telling about what he really thinks of you (paid companionship).

Most of his generosity comes in the form of just paying for us to do nice things together.

It sounds like when he wants companionship he is willing to pay to have it in his own lifestyle. However, have there ever been discussions about any future or is it speculation on your part? Income/wealth discrepancy is not the issue. Many couples have started out that way.

 

This issue is he seems to pay for your companionship but has no plans to have any future with you or fully include you in his lifestyle, except for treating you when you are his companion. You deny it's about his remark however it was extremely telling about what he really thinks of you (paid companionship).

Exactly!!

Partnership is about integrating into each other's lives. And also building something together.

This is not that - this is him tacking you on to his life, and being willing to pay for your company and time.

It would never in a million years occur to me to throw something I've treated my guy to back in his face if ( when lol) he does something I don't like. That's not because I'm petty - free and perfect, it's just not something that would come into play because it's not a transactional situation.

Your time and pursuits and companionship - don't ever let someone you are seeing put a price on that. I'm surprised no one else here would find that insulting, as I would. He's being really selfish expecting you to compliment his life without doing the same for you in return ( not talking about money, talking about being a part of what you have built too and making something together ).

I remember saying in one of your last posts that you two were very polite around each other and on your best behavior, and you never rocked the boat. (Or something like that, I can't remember how you worded it.) I thought that was interesting because in a relationship, while you don't want to be mean to each other or treat each other badly, you don't have to be on your "best behavior" -- you are allowed to be yourself.

It would be nice to know what this fight was about -- also -- who "solved" it. (You said it was solved quickly.) Did he "solve" it by saying that you shouldn't pick fights with him because of the money he spent on you, or was it solved another way? I do agree with JMan that it's not good to argue over petty things, so it would be interesting to hear what it was about.

It seems as if you put your needs aside, and you care a lot about what he thinks and wants. It's nice that you care about him, but does he care about you? Does he express that you don't get vacation days at work? Does he know your family? Is he into your life at all? I'm not blaming him, but rather I'm saying, you should make yourself more important. If you don't want to go on vacation because you won't get paid for it, tell him. If you don't want to sit in coach, tell him! Personally, I would love it if a guy was taking me on trips and bringing me to nice dinners, but I wouldn't like it if he wasn't sitting next to me on a plane. In other words, You need to be treated as an equal in your own relationship. It sounds like you have a lot of underlying issues here, and you should solve them if you ever want to be happy.

OP has stood up plenty.

 

In this case, she refuses to expound on what kind of (by her admission) unnecessary and trivial argument she brought up. While any one of us, myself included, would like to fancy ourselves a better person, if I'd recently dropped money for both my wife and I to go on vacation and she immediately proceeded to go off on the dishwasher being loaded incorrectly, there's a pretty good chance I wouldn't put up with getting chastised over plastics on the first rack after dropping $3000 bones for the trip. Don't raise petty arguments if you don't want the other person coming back on you petty.

 

Read the last five threads. Lady wants drama. Lady's gonna get drama.

I am not ruling any of what you said out, but where has she posted, in any of her threads, that she has stood up to him?

From what I've read, she walks on eggshells with him, not speaking her mind, and then feels resentful later.

I fully contend I may have missed something, but I've been following her threads quite closely, and she appears very passive with him.

And why are you assuming it was a trivial argument to cause drama? I mean you may be right, but she posted nothing about what upset her, what the argument was about.

OP has stood up plenty..

I don't know if that's true or not, but if she can stand up for herself, then I think the comment "I took on an amazing trip, you therefore can't be upset at me for anything" is a non-issue. All she has to do is tell him to bugger off while she feels however she wants lol.

The remaining issue is then her feeling of inequality and fear of being resented. To me, this points to a lack of trust. Citrusgreen, what do you think about that?

And why are you assuming it was a trivial argument to cause drama? I mean you may be right, but she posted nothing about what upset her, what the argument was about.

Per the OP:

I felt instantly stupid for starting an unnecessary argument.

Also won't provide further details on the argument after asked to do so. Would love to tell her it wasn't a unnecessary argument if I could, but all I've got is her account she won't expound on, which kinda lends my senses to her own assessment being correct on that matter. Again, "I just paid for [x]" is petty for his part. He'd be better off telling her point blank he's not going to argue over unnecessary matters. But if you start petty arguments, you can expect petty in return. It doesn't necessarily even have to be related to paying for something. It's a common enough theme that one partner will get upset over the other raising a stink over some menial issue after the former had just done something nice for them. Not defending it on its own, but it is what it is.

I've followed her threads as well. Including one where she was anxious over him traveling every month. She asked him to call more. He then started calling her daily. She asked him to text more. He started texting frequently. Offered to fly her out whenever she wanted to join him. Then when he did actually fly her out 100% on his dime, that itself was an issue. Guy made every concession he could at her behest. Still not good enough.

The only time I can read what people assume is "passive" is when she's hesitant to communicate matters that healthy individuals should be able to internalize and cope with on their own rather than irrationally depending on their partner for what should be basic emotional security.

As others have surmised many times in many of her threads, the OP for whatever reason keeps looking for something, and a reasonable hunch has to do with what's likely an irreconcilable level of insecurity due to this being her and his second go.

@j.man, well gotta admit I didn't see it that way, but now after you've laid it all out the way you did, you make good points.

I agree this is all insecurity but not because of the financial discrepancy or because this is their second go-round.

Those things just "add to" the overall opinion she has of herself of feeling "less than," which most likely was there before she ever even met him.

CG, apologies for speaking of you in the third person, and if you are inclined to return and share more thoughts, we're here to listen.

You know, you've been writing about problems with your relationship with this guy forever. You know that it is not working out with him. I keep harping back to him making you fly coach while he was up in first class drinking and being pampered. A boyfriend just doesn't do that! And I think it demonstrates what the dynamics are in your relationship. He doesn't buy you any gifts, although he could easily afford them. He doesn't compliment you on your looks. He pays your way on trips when he needs a travel companion. He's certainly in control of the relationship and you're not.

You have all sorts of insecurities with him. But this isn't an issue about who pays for things. It's an issue of control. You don't feel like an equal in the relationship. You have no control over it. The guy is a millionaire. Why shouldn't he pay for everything? That's what old school guys do. The man pays. Why do you feel that on your smaller salary you have to pay for things? The answer is because he makes you feel powerless and you're trying to establish some control in the relationship.

You also avoid clearly talking about what is going on in your relationship. You've written a lot about it, but I don't get a clear picture. You defend him a lot, yet as katrina1980 said, you walk on eggshells around him. You're submissive to him. This is not the first time you've mentioned having arguments over petty things. I'm starting to see a picture of emotional abuse. You're constantly off balance and unsure of yourself. You don't know where you stand. Your self-esteem is suffering.

I think you need to step back and figure out what this relationship is really all about. Are you just someone your boyfriend takes on trips and has sex with? Is is just a series of dates without a relationship behind it? Is that why you're tired of the trips and the time away from work? You're actually resenting him and his money?

I think you need to break up with this guy, but that is what some people on ENA has been advising you to do for the last year. While you consider that, just let the guy pay for you and don't let him bully you into taking trips you don't want to take.

I had picked a bit of a fight with him about something

What was the fight about?

The fact that we're hearing one side of this with no context isn't helpful in understanding whether a potentially unhealthy dynamic exists, and if so, where.

For instance, why start a 'fight'? Were you accusatory, or did he just take offense when you attempted to reasonably negotiate an offer something of value to him in exchange for something of value to you?

The stuff we choose to focus on and the manner in which we approach our grievances matters. So start there. Figure out whether the way you addressed your issue with BF is the way you'd want anyone to address their issues with you.

I also find it helpful to put myself in the shoes of my loved ones whenever I'm irked or frustrated. For instance, after my sister threw me the best birthday party of my life, I'm sure it would have knocked her for a loop if I picked a 'fight' the very next week over something I could have otherwise given her a pass on.

Context is everything.