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Thread: Feeling like I'm looking for someone who doesn't exist, am I being too picky?

  1. #1
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    Feeling like I'm looking for someone who doesn't exist, am I being too picky?

    First, a little bit about myself. I'm a male who's practically 25 years old (birthday's tomorrow). I have Asperger's, so social interaction can be a little tricky for me since I struggle to read other people, and can't always tell if someone's joking/being sarcastic (as well as other things). Also due to my Asperger's, I can come across as being rather socially awkward. I practise Straight Edge, meaning that I don't drink alcohol, smoke, or do drugs, and I'm also a vegetarian. I'm more of introverted than extroverted, and outside of practising with my band, going to gigs, and attending my D&D club, I don't tend to go out much asides from the occasional family occasion or get together of friends.

    I've been single since February after coming out of an almost eight month relationship (my longest relationship as well as the first I'd had in about 5 or so years). I took it really hard when that came to an end, and it was a long journey trying to piece myself back together afterwards. I've been on a couple of dates since then, but nothing that's ended up going anywhere.

    These past few weeks/months, I've been thinking about what I want in someone else, and I'm beginning to question if I'll ever find someone who's right for me. All I'm after is someone I get on well with who's understanding of the difficulties I have due to my Asperger's and is able to work with me in order to overcome any difficulties the relationship might come into as a result of this, who doesn't care about me not drinking (it seems that a lot of people deem you 'boring' if you don't drink alcohol), has similar values and political views to myself (I'm very Left Wing/Liberal, and as I'm pretty vocal about that, I feel that it'd be best for me to be with someone who's views are relatively in line with my own) and wants the same things out of the relationship that I do (which is a lifelong partnership and potentially having one or two children someday).

    I've been using OkCupid and Tinder in order to talk to people since I don't tend to meet new people too often, so I feel like that's my best chance at meeting someone (it's where I met my last girlfriend too), and just from looking through, it seems like my search is relatively tricky. Especially with Tinder, where you can't really tell these things from their profile alone. At times, it makes me feel like I'm chasing after someone who probably doesn't even exist.

    Don't get me wrong, I know that having a relationship isn't the key to happiness, since I've had plenty of happy times while single. It's just that for most of my last relationship, I was the happiest I think I've ever been, and while I understand why things had to end and come to terms with it, it's recently been getting to me that I may never feel that happy again.

    Am I just being too picky? Would things be easier if I compromised?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    As long as you are not looking for absolute perfection, there is not reason why you shouldn't eventually find people of similar mind to you. Sure, we live in a drinking culture here in the UK, but those people who consider you boring because you don't drink are just not the people you should be hanging with. There are plenty of ways to meet women away from apps or going to bars. I guess the D&D group is perhaps not such a good location, but have you tried board gaming? From experience in this country there are plentiful tabletop clubs and these seem to be attracting more and more women. THis could be a starter to meet friends at least and start a more organic process than bars and apps can provide.

    If you look at it from a numbers perspective, you are not asking for all that much. Considering the amount of people in the country, and those available, there should be thousands of reasonable matches, and thousands more that would be willing to compromise. Just keep your head up and keep pushing.

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    The D&D club is fun, but seeing as it's mostly comprised of males in their 30's and 40's, so not the best place to meet people (especially since membership has been closed off due to over capacity). While I enjoy the odd tabletop game, I'm more interested in the Roleplaying aspect that you get with RPG's like D&D. I guess there's the possibility of meeting someone at a gig, but even then, all the gigs I go to are in Central/North London, meaning that's at least a train and a tube for me to get there meaning I wouldn't meet anyone who lives near enough to spend time with regularly (at least as far as I'm aware since Hardcore's a pretty underground niche genre).

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    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You are not being too picky, just you are going to have a hell of a time finding someone that is compatible. You pretty much eliminated 98% of the dating population as having any future prospect.

    Where to look? try going to a vegan festival or a green peace meeting.

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    It's not that I want someone who's also a vegetarian or straight edge, just someone who's respectful of my lifestyle choices.

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    Originally Posted by Guardian452
    It's not that I want someone who's also a vegetarian or straight edge, just someone who's respectful of my lifestyle choices.
    I think this is the key.

    Finding a left-leaning person who knows something about Aspergers (or is willing to learn) and wants something long-term should not be a problem. If they also have to be vegetarian, not drink, etc... ehh... thatís going to be a lot harder.

    ... but you also have to be able to be tolerant of their lifestyle choices too (ie: not nag them or lecture them)

    I think another factor is that you are still young - so not everyone is looking to settle down just yet.

    Keep looking. You will find. You just have to go on a lot of dates before you find the one.

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    I don't smoke, rarely drink, have never touched drugs and am a strict vegetarian. I also have a partner with Aspergers. He eats meat but our respective choices have never caused an issue so don't give up hope! There are plenty of people out there with similar lifestyle choices to yours.

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    I would have never met my wife if I used Tinder and OK Cupid. She was not what I was looking for. But our paths kept crossing. We wound up working together. We got to know each other. We found out we had similar interests. And now we've been together for 28 years. I think you need to put yourself in a situation where you will meet different people because you really never know who you will click with in real life.

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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    I would have never met my wife if I used Tinder and OK Cupid. She was not what I was looking for. But our paths kept crossing. We wound up working together. We got to know each other. We found out we had similar interests. And now we've been together for 28 years. I think you need to put yourself in a situation where you will meet different people because you really never know who you will click with in real life.
    That's the issue, there isn't really anywhere like that for me to meet new/different people. At least, not in a way I'm comfortable. I'm fine going to a pub with a handful of friends for a chat, but I wouldn't go there alone and I despise the concept of clubbing so that's out of the window as well. I do look out for things that might interest me, but nothing has caught my interest. Going to gigs is the only place where I really get to interact with new people, but like I said, they normally live too far away from me to spend time with on a regular basis.

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    perfection doesn't exist. only the illusion of perfection exists.

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