Unsuccessful Exclusivity Talk - Is there a recipe for success?

Recently, I was dating a woman I was head over heels for. A sexual relationship developed on the third date, things seemed to really be taking off. After about 6 weeks of dating, seeing each other about twice/week, I invited her to hang out with me and my friends at a festival. When getting ready to leave the festival, me, her, and the rest of my friends were all trying to summon an Uber. After securing an Uber, I happen to glance down at her phone and notice her closing some of her apps, one of which was Bumble. We hadn't had a status conversation yet, but it really upset me to think about her seeing other people. After leaving the bar, we went to her place and decided to ask her if she was still dating anyone else. She said she hadn't been dating anyone else, and gave some excuse for using the app, however, we didn't discuss exclusivity. Unfortunately, she went out of town the next day and I wasn't able to see her for another week. The whole week I felt like the conversation was left ambiguous, making me quite uncomfortable.

When she returned, I sat her down to have the exclusive talk. I told her flat out, "I like you and think we should be exclusive." She responded by saying, "what do you mean by that?" I went over the details of stating my opinion of an early state of dating where both partners decided to focus their attention on one partner, which would include dating anyone else, using dating apps, or sleeping with anyone else. She responded by saying she was very concerned with putting a label on things after she had a controlling/possessive relationship in the past. She also mentioned the recent Supreme Court appointment news was giving her a lot of anxiety. This made me think she possibly had a abusive relationship in the past. We continued the conversation where I told her I was no longer using the apps and really liked her from a very early point in our dating. She also told me she liked me and felt excited for all our dates. I proposed that since we were seeing each other regularly, having an ongoing sexual relationship, both liked each other, and were no longer seeing others, that being exclusive was just a simple set of boundaries to follow. Eventually, she agreed but it felt horrible feeling like I had to talk her into it. We hung out the rest of the day and things felt fine. We had dinner a couple days later, then I went on a trip with my friends for 5 days.

During my trip, she started to slow her communications with me and flat out ignored one of my questions during text about setting up another date, so I knew some switch had flipped in her head about things. She ended up calling me when I got back into town, telling me she didn't feel like she could provide what I wanted. She said her work was too busy and she was questioning what she wanted in life regarding a family in children. She also said she felt pressured by the conversation. I don't feel that I was pressuring her but she was being really ambiguous during the conversation. All I wanted was a straight answer. She had no problem telling me she liked me or seeing my point of view, but she seemed unwilling to accept any boundaries. Ultimately, she acted like she couldn't be in a relationship right now.

Personally, I don't feel comfortable having a sexual relationship with more than one person. Usually, I wouldn't start a sexual relationship at date 3, but things seemed so amazing with her. It really bothered me that she was so unwilling to agree to some basic boundaries. I really felt confident that things were going great between us and she would emphatically say yes.

Anyway, I feel terrible. There was no way of me knowing that she would have such a sensitive reaction to asking her about exclusivity. I caught some feelings for her, and the thought of her trying to leave things open ended so she could potentially sleep with other people literally made me sick.

However, in hindsight, I wish I would have told her, that we could continue to date, but the sexual relationship would have to stop. I'm super disappointed. I hadn't felt this excited about a woman in several years, I thought she might be the one. There seem to be mutual feelings too. Ultimately, it was probably best to find out she is not in a relationship mentality sooner than later, but it sure stings right now.

I just feel like I can't win. Given the circumstances, it seemed like this was the right time to have that talk, even though it had only been six weeks. How would you feel in this scenario? What kind of personal boundaries do you implement to prevent this situations? Does the timing of the exclusivity talk matter that much?

I don’t think you need a recipe for success she just wasn’t the woman for you . She has a lot of issues that she has to deal with before she can be exclusive with anyone . The right person you won’t have to feel like you “ pressured” them. It will just be a natural progression .

I don’t think you need a recipe for success she just wasn’t the woman for you . She has a lot of issues that she has to deal with before she can be exclusive with anyone . The right person you won’t have to feel like you “ pressured” them. It will just be a natural progression .

Thank you so much. I've asked everyone I know about this disappointing dating experience, and that was the best thing anyone has told me.

To be fair, it wasn’t the ‘right time’ to discuss exclusivity, it was a knee jerk reaction to you seeing her on the dating apps and honestly she may very well have known that and saw your asking as a controlling move vs. a genuine desire. Honestly, I probably would have said no myself.

So owning that may help make sense of her reaction.

Next, you has every right to ask for exclusivity especially when sexually active. The timing needs to be worked on. But nothing wrong with having boundaries and standards. Next time try to discuss them before becoming sexually active and not after well... you feel threatened

To be fair, it wasn’t the ‘right time’ to discuss exclusivity, it was a knee jerk reaction to you seeing her on the dating apps and honestly she may very well have known that and saw your asking as a controlling move vs. a genuine desire. Honestly, I probably would have said no myself.

 

So owning that may help make sense of her reaction.

 

Next, you has every right to ask for exclusivity especially when sexually active. The timing needs to be worked on. But nothing wrong with having boundaries and standards. Next time try to discuss them before becoming sexually active and not after well... you feel threatened

I wasn't holding anything against her. She had every right to be on the dating app and I was not challenging that. I was trying to be open and honest and not let something like that fester.

I also waited another week after that before proposing that we become exclusive. Things seemed like they were really taking off between us, so it felt right.

And yes, in the future, developing and communicating boundaries early on is something I need to work on. I really hate dating. On one hand, I want to explore the sexual potential of a partner but don't want to expose myself to the risks of a partner having multiple sexual partners. Is best just to wait until an exclusive state is reached?

Maybe slow the roll a bit with friends and such. I didn’t meet my husband’s friends or family until we had been dating for six months .

I may be different in my opinion here, but I don't think it was too soon for an exclusivity talk.

If this woman was super into you and looking for the same things as you, there's no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't have considered your request for exclusivity to be too soon, and she definitely wouldn't have felt pressured.

I know so many people who after 6 or 7 dates with someone they met online, they're discussing only seeing each other and no one else. Their online profiles still remain active, but they're focusing their attention on only each other.

You two just weren't compatible. You knew what you were looking for and although maybe she thought she knew what she wanted initially, she changed her mind.

Also, if she was really into the relationship, she could have proposed that you two continue dating non-exclusively and see what you thought. She didn't have to break things off completely.

The conversation that you two had was a blessing in disguise. It's better that you had it sooner rather than later, imo.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way now, but you will meet someone who you're crazy about and who is looking for the same things as you.

I know it's difficult to see this now, but it will happen.

Absolutely people are exclusive early. My husband and I were exclusive after the very first date . We hadn’t done anything sexual but only wanted to date each other.

Absolutely people are exclusive early. My husband and I were exclusive after the very first date . We hadn’t done anything sexual but only wanted to date each other.

I agree, Seraphim! Sometimes you just know early on.

I wasn't holding anything against her. She had every right to be on the dating app and I was not challenging that. Perhaps, I should not have said anything about the dating app until I had pulled all my thoughts together. However, I was trying to be open and honest and not let something like that fester. I think it made me want to move the conversation up a little quicker though, as I genuinely had growing feelings for her. Believe me, I would not introduce a woman to my friends unless I was very serious about her.

 

And yes, in the future, developing and communicating boundaries early on is something I need to work on. I really hate dating. On one hand, I want to explore the sexual potential of a partner but don't want to expose myself to the risks of a partner having multiple sexual partners. Is best just to wait until an exclusive state is reached?

I don’t think you challenged her what I said was you wanting exclusivity was a knee jerk reaction to her being on the dating app. So even though you weren’t trying to control her, it was really your insecurity, it quite possibly came off that way to her.

I may be different in my opinion here, but I don't think it was too soon for an exclusivity talk.

 

If this woman was super into you and looking for the same things as you, there's no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't have considered your request for exclusivity to be too soon, and she definitely wouldn't have felt pressured.

 

I know so many people who after 6 or 7 dates with someone they met online, they're discussing only seeing each other and no one else. Their online profiles still remain active, but they're focusing their attention on only each other.

 

You two just weren't compatible. You knew what you were looking for and although maybe she thought she knew what she wanted initially, she changed her mind.

 

Also, if she was really into the relationship, she could have proposed that you two continue dating non-exclusively and see what you thought. She didn't have to break things off completely.

 

The conversation that you two had was a blessing in disguise. It's better that you had it sooner rather than later, imo.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way now, but you will meet someone who you're crazy about and who is looking for the same things as you.

 

I know it's difficult to see this now, but it will happen.

In the past, that had been my experience. It just felt right. Again, it sucks that she eventually agreed to be exclusive then only to change her mind a few days later. It would have been nice if she told me she's just not ready and given me a chance to see how I felt about it.

I ultimately agree it was better to suss out these feelings sooner than later. What if I waited six months instead of six weeks? that would have been a complete nightmare.

I don’t think you challenged her what I said was you wanting exclusivity was a knee jerk reaction to her being on the dating app. So even though you weren’t trying to control her, it was really your insecurity, it quite possibly came off that way to her.

I could see it looking like a knee jerk reaction, but my feelings were strong from early on. I honestly didn't want to scare her away by saying anything too early. Seeing the dating app open made me feel like the conversation was necessary. Things seemed like they were just unfolding so naturally and beautifully that I didn't feel the need to have the conversation. In my past two long term relationships, we never had a discussion but I was never given a reason to question things as we expressed our mutual liking early on with no "pressure".

I could see it looking like a knee jerk reaction, but my feelings were strong from early on. I honestly didn't want to scare her away by saying anything too early. Seeing the dating app open made me feel like the conversation was necessary. Things seemed like they were just unfolding so naturally and beautifully that I didn't feel the need to have the conversation. In my past two long term relationships, we never had a discussion but I was never given a reason to question things as we expressed our mutual liking early on with no "pressure ".

Veep, we’re saying the same thing, we’re literally saying the same thing, except I’m being more blunt and you’re romantisizing it.

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting exclusivity.

I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you asked her out of fear and insecurity.

I have no doubt you care for this girl, I have no doubt you truly felt a connection with her.

That doesn’t change the simple fact that you, as you keep admitting, asked her because you felt uneasy after finding the dating app.

Like you said, there was never a need, not until you let your insecurities run the show.

At the end of the day, you two weren’t a good match. She made you feel insecure. I don’t like that feeling either, to combat it, I lay it all on the table from the start, relationship goals, dating style, I haven’t scared anyone off yet *knock on wood* but if/when I do, I just saved myself a whole lot of heartache, because they aren’t a good match for me. I’m not going to scare off someone who wants the same thing as me, you won’t scare off a woman who wants the same thing as you.

Stand by your boundaries and standards. You will meet the girl for you, she wasn’t it.

That doesn’t excuse you allowing your anxiety to run the show, own your sh*t. We all have baggage, all of us, it’s about getting it to a manageable level. You can’t keep excusing lettibg your fear and anxiety control your actions. Learn some restraint. Learn to walk away when a woman makes you feel bad. There are plenty of us out there, including one who will not make you feel that way.

Onward and upward. You’re going to find her.

When I did online dating, when it got to the point where it would lead to sex, I did have discussions about exclusivity, as I wasn't comfortable being intimate with someone who was okay with multi dating. I ended things with guys who didn't share my dating style, which freed me to be single so that I could hold out for the right one. My future husband and I decided to be exclusive on the 2nd date, and we've been together 9 years, married 7.

All signs indicate she isn't seeing other people, then you find out the truth by accident. You weren't checking her phone or being possessive. What "excuses" did she give you for using the app? It's deception on her part if this is something she didn't want you to find out. It's a form of cheating. If she had used the app openly and let you know that's what she's doing, you would not have been so invested in her, you'd be dating other girls too. But she didn't want that. Don't feel too bad. At 6 weeks you found out this behavior, it's better than finding out a year later or be dumped "for no reason" when she finds someone new. Oh and it's pretty gross if she's hooking up with guys online while sleeping with you too.

You wanted two different things.

You felt serious enough about her to only want to date her, she didn't feel the same way.

You caught feelings early on, she didn't.

It wouldn't have mattered how long it took to ask for exclusivity, she just wasn't the one for you.

Next time around, don't jump into things head first like that.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people (women too) who are only looking for a good time or a casual sex type relationship.

This is why it's so important to know who you are with before you start assuming things and getting intimate with them.

Have the talk first on what you are both looking for in a relationship before hopping into bed or running a million miles forward with feelings.

All signs indicate she isn't seeing other people, then you find out the truth by accident. You weren't checking her phone or being possessive. What "excuses" did she give you for using the app? It's deception on her part if this is something she didn't want you to find out. It's a form of cheating. If she had used the app openly and let you know that's what she's doing, you would not have been so invested in her, you'd be dating other girls too. But she didn't want that. Don't feel too bad. At 6 weeks you found out this behavior, it's better than finding out a year later or be dumped "for no reason" when she finds someone new. Oh and it's pretty gross if she's hooking up with guys online while sleeping with you too.

How can she cheat when she didn’t have a boyfriend?

Closed mouths don’t get fed.

PLENTY of posts where a woman assumes exclusivity because they had sex, this dude did the same but nothing was discussed. Don’t give this man a victim label he didn’t earn.

I agree figureitout, we tell women the exact same thing...don't be hopping into bed so quickly assuming it means anything.

Actually get to know this person, take things slow, don't assume.

She didn't cheat, she wanted a casual relationship and wanted to be open to meeting or sleeping with other men. Not my cup of tea, but if that's what makes her happy, so be it.

You probably should've have found that out before going home with her.

You didn't do anything wrong and talking about it was actually right.

About the only thing I'd say is that you seem to have really liked her and so were kind of in denial about her negative response. You feel like you were talking her into because you were. She is a grown woman and she knows what exclusivity means. She was being ambiguous with you because she didn't have the guts to just tell you that she isn't going to be exclusive with you. She also raised a forest of red flags with her behavior and response to you about it. This is really a case of anything other than an enthusiastic yes is really a no and something to keep in mind for the future. Easy to say, hard to do, but next time do try to be more reserved and pay more careful attention to how the person is reacting. A woman who is into you will be thrilled. This one just wasn't, plus seems to have other serious emotional issues. It actually sounds like you might have dodged a bullet and a messy toxic situation of push/pull going forward.

This is really why you need to have these conversations reasonably early on. It can quickly call out issues and save you a lot of wasted time and heartache later on.

You didn't do anything wrong and talking about it was actually right.

 

About the only thing I'd say is that you seem to have really liked her and so were kind of in denial about her negative response. You feel like you were talking her into because you were. She is a grown woman and she knows what exclusivity means. She was being ambiguous with you because she didn't have the guts to just tell you that she isn't going to be exclusive with you. She also raised a forest of red flags with her behavior and response to you about it. This is really a case of anything other than an enthusiastic yes is really a no and something to keep in mind for the future. Easy to say, hard to do, but next time do try to be more reserved and pay more careful attention to how the person is reacting. A woman who is into you will be thrilled. This one just wasn't, plus seems to have other serious emotional issues. It actually sounds like you might have dodged a bullet and a messy toxic situation of push/pull going forward.

 

This is really why you need to have these conversations reasonably early on. It can quickly call out issues and save you a lot of wasted time and heartache later on.

Yes, and what Seraphim wrote is equally compelling. I too am not a fan of bringing it up in response to a negative experience/insecurity but sometimes it can trigger it. And I cannot stand the obvious game playing she did with pretending not to know what you meant - and actually -even if for some reason she didn't if she in general only wanted to be with you, she would have said yes and ironed out any details later. It's not a proposal for goodness sake.

I too think you deserve someone who is on the same page with you and where the conversation feels happy and natural and usually really short because people who want each other won't look at it as "a label" (oh please) or need to get into the nitty gritty with rare exception (and honestly those kinds of exceptions you would know early on, such as whether there is an involved ex in the picture because of children or co-owned property/a business, etc).

In the past, that had been my experience. It just felt right. Again, it sucks that she eventually agreed to be exclusive then only to change her mind a few days later. It would have been nice if she told me she's just not ready and given me a chance to see how I felt about it.

 

I ultimately agree it was better to suss out these feelings sooner than later. What if I waited six months instead of six weeks? that would have been a complete nightmare.

dmveep, yes it's better that you found out now.

It sounds like you may have assumed that you two were dating exclusively. You felt a strong connection with this woman and things were flowing naturally, so in your mind, because you were only interested in her and wanting to invest in her solely, you assumed that she was doing and wanting the same (or at least you wanted to believe this).

Seeing her on Bumble then threw you for a loop because you're most likely thinking ''wha??? How can she being seeing anyone else when the connection is so strong and we're having sex?''.

If being exclusive when having sex with someone is important to you, or ensuring that the person you're dating is not sleeping with anyone else when the two of you are having sex, it's definitely important to set this boundary from the get-go, like some of the others have mentioned.

Circumstances may have worked out differently for you in the past with women where you felt a similarly strong connection, but honestly, you can never assume.

I can't imagine sleeping with someone, thinking you're exclusive, and then low and behold, the person you're sleeping with has multiple partners.

Don't be afraid to set those boundaries for yourself, dmveep; especially when it comes to sex and partners...one can never be too careful these days. Can't gamble with that.