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boyfriend hates my best friend/roommate


hope19

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So I've been seeing this guy for about a month, we aren't officially dating yet I just didn't know what else to refer to him as in the title lol. But anyways, I'm not eager to rush into anything with him because there are a few little things that still bother me. Most importantly, he and my roommate absolutely hate each other. He's a pretty sarcastic guy who has no issue saying what's on his mind if someone is bothering him or he has an opinion. My roommate is sarcastic as well, however she also tends to be over sensitive and take EVERYTHING personally. Whenever he comes over while she's here the tension is unreal and he'll make an unnecessary rude comment that gets her going. It has gotten to a point where she doesn't want him in the room when she's here. It puts me in such an uncomfortable situation because I care about him a lot and she's my best friend so I want her to like him too but she can't understand why I'm with him. He's ONLY like this with her, yes he's sarcastic around everyone else but it's over the top with her to the point where he's just being an a******. It bothers me because he is NOT normally like this, he's this really funny, sweet and caring guy to me and everyone he meets loves him. To me the way he treats her is a red flag, like if anything shouldn't he be sucking up to her because he knows how close we are? Why would he want to show this side of himself while we're still so new?

It just bothers me because they're both at fault but at least she attempts to be civil, until he makes a comment that she doesn't like (even if it was clearly a joke) and then it's just a game of ping pong all night, but then he'll realize he was a jerk and try to make normal conversation with her. If he didn't have this other sweet, mature, loving, quirky/adorable side to him then I would cut it off right now. I just don't know what to do when I care about them both but I can see why they're both upset with the other person. I talked to him about it and asked him if there's a specific reason why he doesn't like her but he wouldn't say, he's not great at opening up and being vulnerable unless it has to do with him and I. I honestly just don't know what to do at this point because this side of him is a major turn off for me showing how he's capable of treating people this way and it's extremely immature, but it's literally only with her and I don't want to give up on someone who is great to me and everyone else just because he and my best friend hate each other and for some reason he decides to pick on her of all people.

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You've been dating 4 weeks and he's already being an abusive bully to your roommate? That IS who he is, not whatever act he's putting on to get in your pants. Dump this loser asap. Being abusive to your people IS being abusive to you.

So I've been seeing this guy for about a month. He's a pretty sarcastic guy who has no issue saying what's on his mind if someone is bothering him or he has an opinion. he'll make an unnecessary rude comment that gets her going. It has gotten to a point where she doesn't want him in the room when she's here.
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He's ONLY like this with her, yes he's sarcastic around everyone else but it's over the top with her to the point where he's just being an a******. It bothers me because he is NOT normally like this, he's this really funny, sweet and caring guy to me and everyone he meets loves him. To me the way he treats her is a red flag, like if anything shouldn't he be sucking up to her because he knows how close we are? Why would he want to show this side of himself while we're still so new?

.

 

I think you should listen to your gut. I wouldn't go as far as to say he should be sucking up to her, but he shouldn't be antagonizing her just to get a rise out of her. I'd show him the door.

 

You refer to `the other side of him' It would be best to view him as a whole and that this is very much a part of his personality.

You are one month in. At the very least he should be on his best behavior.

If this is his best, I'd hate to see his worst.

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No. They are not "both at fault". She lives there. She has a right to be there. He is your guest and you should not be allowing this.

 

This is her home and she has a legal right to 'peaceful enjoyment of the premises'. This bozo does not. Hopefully you are not desperate enough to continue dating this moron.

they're both at fault but at least she attempts to be civil, until he makes a comment that she doesn't like (even if it was clearly a joke) and then it's just a game of ping pong all night, but then he'll realize he was a jerk and try to make normal conversation with her.
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You've been dating 4 weeks and he's already being an abusive bully to your roommate? That IS who he is, not whatever act he's putting on to get in your pants. Dump this loser asap. Being abusive to your people IS being abusive to you.

 

I wish it were so black and white, but like I said he is ONLY like this with her, no one else. And granted she participates in the passive aggressiveness too. It's not like he's sitting there calling her names, he just makes unnecessary comments. The absolute worst it's gotten is last night when he came over and saw she was in the room and rolled his eyes and goes "you again" but it was half joking and she took major offense to it and snapped back at him. Again, this is why I'm not eager to put a label on things because if this actually is who he is then that will come out in time in his behavior towards me. If he was like this with everyone else I would be gone in a heartbeat.

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Your loyalties are skewed. I would not tolerate some guy I had been dating for a minute to treat my friend in this manner.

 

I met them both within a few days of each other. I am not at all saying the way he treats her is okay and i talked to him a little more about it today so if things don't improve from here I'm done, but I've known them both the same amount of time and spend equal time with both so it's not like I "owe" anyone my loyalty, especially when they BOTH can instigate.

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I wish it were so black and white, but like I said he is ONLY like this with her, no one else. And granted she participates in the passive aggressiveness too. It's not like he's sitting there calling her names, he just makes unnecessary comments. The absolute worst it's gotten is last night when he came over and saw she was in the room and rolled his eyes and goes "you again" but it was half joking and she took major offense to it and snapped back at him. Again, this is why I'm not eager to put a label on things because if this actually is who he is then that will come out in time in his behavior towards me. If he was like this with everyone else I would be gone in a heartbeat.

 

He is SHOWING you who he is as we speak. If you didn't know that this is bad, you wouldn't be on here.

 

I know you like him and want to rationalize and convince yourself that it's not what it looks like, but unfortunately it is. Abusive a holes quite often do exactly what he is doing - picking on a particular individual who is weak or susceptible to their digs at them, meanwhile being an exemplary super nice persona to everyone else. The super nice persona is a facade. The behavior that you are seeing toward your roommate is the real him and you are correct - eventually, he will turn on you too. You simply don't wait around for that and walk away immediately while it's still easy and the going is good. It's only been a month - run. Trust your instincts here and don't try to excuse or rationalize away what you are seeing. He may turn on you a year from now or two or three - once he is secure that you won't run away. Don't do that to yourself. This is more dangerous than playing with fire and in the end, more painful and damaging.

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Why should your roommate tolerate him? Why are you subjecting her to him in her own home? Why aren't you at his place being a witch to his people? All abusers and bullies are selective. Can you move out into your own place if you want to date guys like this? This way you can drag home this type of trash without offending anyone or infringing on their rights.

he came over and saw she was in the room and rolled his eyes and goes "you again" but it was half joking and she took major offense to it and snapped back at him.
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It puts me in such an uncomfortable situation because I care about him a lot and she's my best friend so I want her to like him too but she can't understand why I'm with him. He's ONLY like this with her...

 

1. "It" doesn't put you in an uncomfortable situ, YOU do. I'd stop letting him come over, because he is rude within your own home. YOU control your boundary and is peeing all over your garden. Put him back outside the fence.

 

2. He doesn't even know her! Four weeks is nothing. I suspect he is threatened by her bff status with you and wants to push her away so he can have you all to himself with no other people as important to you as he is. LOSER.

 

OP. Find someone with more grace than this. It might be a good time to look within, and explore why you are attracted to/attract to you people with negative energy. Sarcasm is a negative sort of humor often used as a distancing tool. Underneath is often anger, fear of rejection, judgment of self and others.

 

Practice expressing yourself in a direct and respectful manner, and you may find that you, your friends and your dates change for the better.

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Why should your roommate tolerate him? Why are you subjecting her to him in her own home? Why aren't you at his place being a witch to his people? All abusers and bullies are selective. Can you move out into your own place if you want to date guys like this? This way you can drag home this type of trash without offending anyone or infringing on their rights.

 

Nailed it!

 

OP, he is a bully. If you cannot recognize this, then there is a problem.

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I wish it were so black and white, but like I said he is ONLY like this with her, no one else. And granted she participates in the passive aggressiveness too. It's not like he's sitting there calling her names, he just makes unnecessary comments. The absolute worst it's gotten is last night when he came over and saw she was in the room and rolled his eyes and goes "you again" but it was half joking and she took major offense to it and snapped back at him. Again, this is why I'm not eager to put a label on things because if this actually is who he is then that will come out in time in his behavior towards me. If he was like this with everyone else I would be gone in a heartbeat.

 

He is disrespecting you by not behaving like a guest in your home and being respectful to your roommate. . .in her own home.

Granted, she might participate in it, but from what you describe he initiates it.

 

He knows you don't approve, yet he doesn't care to stop.

 

I think you are being naive to think he just does this for some unknown reason to her.

THIS IS the behavior he is capable of.

He just chooses to do this to one of the people closest to you . . .for now.

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Is there any reason why you can't spend your time together at his? Does he have his own place, or roommates?

 

Or when he's at yours, spend time in your room?

 

I don't get why you all have to be in the same room together, given the bad energy between them. That makes NO sense to me.

 

Some people just don't click, chalk it up to bad energy. Not all my friends liked my boyfriends, which was fine, I didn't like some of theirs either - I just didn't bring him around them.

 

When we were all together, like at a party or something, they just avoided each other.

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to the point where he's just being an a******.

 

I absolutely agree with you that this is a red flag. He should care for your sake if no one else's that she is your friend and he should be on his best behavior.

The fact that he's being a jerk shows that he's not too bothered to impress you.

 

Also, he sounds like a bully. Why would you subject your best friend to a loser like this? All his good sides go down the drain with these bad sides.

Honestly, you're wasting your time and I feel sorry for your friend.

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It did cross my mind...after all, he would want to make it seem like he really dislikes her if he did actually find her attractive.

 

Let's be honest here though...something really off about this guy.

 

Either that or he wants her attention and doesn't know how else to get it.

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