How to help a codependent friend?

I recently went to visit a friend of mine--she had just moved to a new city for work, her third one in 6 years as she looks for a stable professorship, and was feeling lonely. Since I've known her, she's struggled with depression and anxiety, and what I'm now learning are signs of codependency, and over the last few years she's been starting to rely on me more and more for emotional support. This year has felt a lot more draining and she's been constricting me more and more in how I can interact with her. Bullet points:

*She wants to get married and have kids, but she hasn't and won't date, and thinks her inability to form intimate relationships or be vulnerable is just something her future SO will have to put up with. She fully expects someone to stick around long enough and be interested enough to break down her walls and pull her out.

*She was suicidal earlier this spring and having suicidal ideation while we were on the phone, but she didn't want to tell me about it in case I tried to "fix it" and made it worse. I'm not allowed to offer suggestions to resolve her issues, I'm only allowed to listen and empathize.

*She recognizes that she has a lot of symptoms of depression and anxiety, both physical and behavioral, but she won't do anything on her own to try and fix them. She prefers to sit and self-reflect and process...for 8 years.

*For the last year or so, every conversation that we've had about her has been about the same depression, anxiety, analysis paralysis, despair about getting married, and she calls me whenever she's sad to cheer her up.

I fully own that I've allowed this behavior to happen, and I'm trying to figure out how to salvage it without continuing to enable it. I talked to her tonight--she asked if I wasn't responding to her messages because I was busy or annoyed at her--and told her that I was feeling frustrated. She admitted that she's been using me as her sole emotional support, because everyone else just tries to fix her, said that she would try and let me be for a while, and said that she does have a therapy appointment finally lined up.

It's going to be a long road, and she has been a good friend to me when she's feeling better, mentally. How do I support her in her healing without enabling her?

You sound like a good friend, tallydoo. Good for you for sticking by your friend's side during her difficult times.

I think it's great as well that your friend sounds self-aware; mind you she acknowledged how her behaviour may be impacting you after she realized that you weren't responding to her messages, but still. She realizes that she was driving you away due to her using you as her only emotional support system.

It sounds like you've both taken a much needed step towards your friend's healing, which is establishing boundaries in order to preserve your friendship. You expressed your frustrations over your friend unloading all of her emotional issues on you, and she has agreed to give you some space and seek out a therapist.

In my opinion, maybe you two can further discuss boundaries, such as your friend discussing her mental health issues with ONLY her therapist and not you. Advise your friend that you want to help her as much as possible through the process, but you think it might be best if she saved all of these issues for a professional who is specially trained to assist her.

Sure, your conversations may still trail off with her bringing up these issues, but it will then be on you to let her know that it may be best for her to discuss with her therapist. However, make sure you let her know how proud you are that she's taking this step and seeking professional help.

Surely your friend has to understand that you can only handle so much and if she wants to keep your friendship, a few compromises will have to made.

Hopefully she'll respect any boundaries you try and establish for the good of your friendship, and to be honest, it sounds like she's already making an effort by giving you some space right now and seeking out a therapist.

I realize this may be a tough discussion to have with a friend, since it is a touchy subject and you want to be there for her, but it sounds like you've used up all of your reserves trying to help her over the last six years and you have nothing left to give.

If she wants to keep your friendship, she'll do what it takes to make it work.

It's nice that you are wanting to help her, tallydoo - you are a great friend.

From someone who has had depression, no one can take her out of it. Only she can take herself out of it. But when someone has depression taking action is hard. Every little thing one needs to do becomes excruciating. Having said that, some things or situations can help:

1. A nurturing and uplifting environment.

2. Connecting with others. E.g. attending church or volunteering. Perhaps you can help her join one?

3. A professional therapist, counsellor or counselling group. (It's great to read that she's finally attending therapy.)

4. Lists. What have you achieved today / this week? E.g. I showered (tick), I got out of bed (another tick), I went for a walk (tick), etc. The more ticks the greater the progress.

5. Routine and structure. E.g. Meeting with her every Saturday to watch a fun film or for an afternoon coffee to talk about anything, including her progress. If you live in far away cities, then schedule a weekly phone call. But remember you are her friend, not her therapist so as milly007 mentioned establishing strong boundaries is key. Any other day you're unavailable, unless it's an emergency or very important, as she needs to learn to not depend solely on you.

I hope the above helps you. I wish you the very best! :)

I fully own that I've allowed this behavior to happen, and I'm trying to figure out how to salvage it without continuing to enable it.

Interestingly, you appear to be struggling with codependent behavior as well. You have to detach and let go. Have you tried reading the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie? I think you will find it eye-opening.

Some people love being miserable. A lot of people resist treatment. You're just being used as a crutch. But what's going on in your life that you can spend hours on the phone with this person and even go visit her? Is she sort of a surrogate friend for you? Is this the same woman you wrote about last July? She's toxic. You really should break it off with her completely. Why waste your time on her? You need to form a real relationship with someone.

Interestingly, you appear to be struggling with codependent behavior as well. You have to detach and let go. Have you tried reading the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie? I think you will find it eye-opening.

I agree. Time to let go, you are enabling her. Only a professional can help your friend. You are being used.

You are not qualified tholepin with this.

Be a friend rather than a pseudo-therapist. That means doing things friends do. Leave the heavy lifting for the professionals.

said that she does have a therapy appointment finally lined up. How do I support her in her healing without enabling her?

I would tell friend that I adore her, and I can picture the two of us as good friends far into the future. That's why I'm walking away until she makes an appointment with a therapist. If she wants me to fly out there and go with her, I will do that, but the next conversation we have needs to include the appointment time and date and name of the therapist, and then we can catch up.

Period.

You sound like a good friend, tallydoo. Good for you for sticking by your friend's side during her difficult times.

 

I think it's great as well that your friend sounds self-aware; mind you she acknowledged how her behaviour may be impacting you after she realized that you weren't responding to her messages, but still. She realizes that she was driving you away due to her using you as her only emotional support system.

 

It sounds like you've both taken a much needed step towards your friend's healing, which is establishing boundaries in order to preserve your friendship. You expressed your frustrations over your friend unloading all of her emotional issues on you, and she has agreed to give you some space and seek out a therapist.

 

In my opinion, maybe you two can further discuss boundaries, such as your friend discussing her mental health issues with ONLY her therapist and not you. Advise your friend that you want to help her as much as possible through the process, but you think it might be best if she saved all of these issues for a professional who is specially trained to assist her.

 

Sure, your conversations may still trail off with her bringing up these issues, but it will then be on you to let her know that it may be best for her to discuss with her therapist. However, make sure you let her know how proud you are that she's taking this step and seeking professional help.

 

Surely your friend has to understand that you can only handle so much and if she wants to keep your friendship, a few compromises will have to made.

 

Hopefully she'll respect any boundaries you try and establish for the good of your friendship, and to be honest, it sounds like she's already making an effort by giving you some space right now and seeking out a therapist.

 

I realize this may be a tough discussion to have with a friend, since it is a touchy subject and you want to be there for her, but it sounds like you've used up all of your reserves trying to help her over the last six years and you have nothing left to give.

 

If she wants to keep your friendship, she'll do what it takes to make it work.

Thank you! This is good advice. I think we started getting into this pattern partly because she needed to vent about things that she found difficult and partly because I started hearing patterns/symptoms that I tried to point out so that she could start to see them too. Now we primarily talk about her mental health, or it severely impacts her ability to talk about other things (eg, I was telling her about a wedding that I have coming up and made some comment about helping my friend plan music, and she panicked about whether she’s going to be in my wedding party when I get married. I’m not even in a relationship.) I think that’s a good boundary to establish, along with someone else’s boundary of once a week or so.

It's nice that you are wanting to help her, tallydoo - you are a great friend.

 

From someone who has had depression, no one can take her out of it. Only she can take herself out of it. But when someone has depression taking action is hard. Every little thing one needs to do becomes excruciating. Having said that, some things or situations can help:

 

1. A nurturing and uplifting environment.

2. Connecting with others. E.g. attending church or volunteering. Perhaps you can help her join one?

3. A professional therapist, counsellor or counselling group. (It's great to read that she's finally attending therapy.)

4. Lists. What have you achieved today / this week? E.g. I showered (tick), I got out of bed (another tick), I went for a walk (tick), etc. The more ticks the greater the progress.

5. Routine and structure. E.g. Meeting with her every Saturday to watch a fun film or for an afternoon coffee to talk about anything, including her progress. If you live in far away cities, then schedule a weekly phone call. But remember you are her friend, not her therapist so as milly007 mentioned establishing strong boundaries is key. Any other day you're unavailable, unless it's an emergency or very important, as she needs to learn to not depend solely on you.

 

I hope the above helps you. I wish you the very best! :)

This is also really helpful. I’ve done the best that I can: I live on the other side of the country, but I’ve helped her vets churches and suggested ways for her to volunteer, and even connected her with friends that I have in her same city. I think the time boundary is great—I’ve gotten into the habit of picking up her calls as much as I’m available, and she’ll IM me throughout the day so it ends up being a bombardment on bad days—and I’ll combine it with milly’s suggestion to limit talking about her mental health.

Interestingly, you appear to be struggling with codependent behavior as well. You have to detach and let go. Have you tried reading the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie? I think you will find it eye-opening.

I mean, I just realize that codependent behavior has to have an enabler in order to develop; I don’t think I’m codependent myself, but I’m definitely a great enabler. I was raised by a mother who was highly codependent/enmeshing/“it’s you and me against the world, kid”, so it’s very likely that I don’t recognize the warning signs until I get too drained. I’m starting to get better about identifying the flags though, and working through that on my end. That’s a good book suggestion, though.

Some people love being miserable. A lot of people resist treatment. You're just being used as a crutch. But what's going on in your life that you can spend hours on the phone with this person and even go visit her? Is she sort of a surrogate friend for you? Is this the same woman you wrote about last July? She's toxic. You really should break it off with her completely. Why waste your time on her? You need to form a real relationship with someone.

This is not the same woman from last July. This is another friend who has been one of my best friends for nearly a decade by now, so not a surrogate friend, a real friend. I pick up the phone as I’m able—I’m still single, don’t have a family and live by myself, so I don’t have obligations some evenings—and I talk to her then because she’s done the same thing for me. It’s just getting to be too much for me right now to constantly and solely discuss her mental health, and I’m asking for help on boundaries, not cutting off the relationship completely.

I would tell friend that I adore her, and I can picture the two of us as good friends far into the future. That's why I'm walking away until she makes an appointment with a therapist. If she wants me to fly out there and go with her, I will do that, but the next conversation we have needs to include the appointment time and date and name of the therapist, and then we can catch up.

 

Period.

Thank you! This is great.

Ok perhaps it's time for more in your life so you are not this available. That works all the way around. You would be better of taking courses or classes or joining groups and clubs and volunteering than sitting home bored when she calls for her next session of help-rejecting-complaining.

Pursuing a better life for yourself and being busier would naturally create better boundaries because you won't be so bored and available to listen to her problems. It would also help her seek appropriate help. Sadly you are doing more harm than good to both of you by dragging the commiserating out like this.

Also if you started dating it would help you start getting a more well rounded life. The longer you both remain so similar and isolated, the more you'll continue commiserating rather than pursuing healthier, more satisfying things in your own life.

I’m still single, don’t have a family and live by myself, so I don’t have obligations some evenings—and I talk to her then because she’s done the same thing for me.

Ok perhaps it's time for more in your life so you are not this available. That works all the way around. You would be better of taking courses or classes or joining groups and clubs and volunteering than sitting home bored when she calls for her next session of help-rejecting-complaining.

 

Pursuing a better life for yourself and being busier would naturally create better boundaries because you won't be so bored and available to listen to her problems. It would also help her seek appropriate help. Sadly you are doing more harm than good to both of you by dragging the commiserating out like this.

 

Also if you started dating it would help you start getting a more well rounded life. The longer you both remain so similar and isolated, the more you'll continue commiserating rather than pursuing healthier, more satisfying things in your own life.

You make a good point, but I might take it slightly differently than you intended: I’m making room in my life for her, and I need to do less of that. Right now we talk when I have a 15 minute drive to meet a coworker to work out, or while I’m waiting for people to sign in to my online tutoring job, or when I’m taking a break from studying, or on my way to/from a date (they just haven’t materialized into a relationship yet). Bored...is not something I am, and maybe that’s why this is starting to bother me so much more now. We used to be a lot more similar when I first moved here and didn’t know anybody and just had to focus on grad school, and now my life is a lot more full and balanced and has healthier friendships. Recently I’ve also been kind of trying to talk to her more like this so I can subtly use my life to show her examples of how I’ve built community in my life, but I think you’ve hit on that I might need that time to decompress myself.

I mean, I just realize that codependent behavior has to have an enabler in order to develop; I don’t think I’m codependent myself, but I’m definitely a great enabler. I was raised by a mother who was highly codependent/enmeshing/“it’s you and me against the world, kid”, so it’s very likely that I don’t recognize the warning signs until I get too drained. I’m starting to get better about identifying the flags though, and working through that on my end. That’s a good book suggestion, though.

I didn't get the impression after reading your post that you're also codependent, tallydoo.

My only impression was that you wanted to be there for your friend, and you didn't want to turn her away in her times of need.

The problem is, it got to a point where she was taking advantage of your friendship by constantly unloading on you, and she should have turned to a professional years ago and not relied on you for something that really only a professional therapist can assist her with.

Could you have said something sooner to her over the last six years that her behaviour was maybe taking a toll on your friendship? Maybe. But like most things, that's easier said than done. You didn't want to say anything to lose her friendship. Live and learn, right?

You're both taking a step in the right direction though. Hoping that your friend receives the help she needs.

I mean, I just realize that codependent behavior has to have an enabler in order to develop; I don’t think I’m codependent myself, but I’m definitely a great enabler. I was raised by a mother who was highly codependent/enmeshing/“it’s you and me against the world, kid”, so it’s very likely that I don’t recognize the warning signs until I get too drained. I’m starting to get better about identifying the flags though, and working through that on my end. That’s a good book suggestion, though.

An enabler is a co dependent.

Exactly. You are drifting apart and that is a good thing, but it may be why you are questioning how to back away from the drama.

Bored...is not something I am, and maybe that’s why this is starting to bother me so much more now. We used to be a lot more similar when I first moved here and didn’t know anybody and just had to focus on grad school, and now my life is a lot more full and balanced and has healthier friendships.

Codependent doesn't mean relying on others. Quite the opposite. I see a lot of misuse of the term.

Codependents accommodate others to their own detriment. This seems to fit you more than your friend.

You can choose to be less accommodating. Even if doing so "makes" you feel guilty or like a "bad friend".

"Codependency is a controversial concept for a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

OP, this is you.

Without getting into what is and what isn't codependent etc.--

Rule of thumb in all things: when seeking guidance, look within to find your motivation.

OP it seems your friendship, in its current state, had become one in which you tolerated her out of a sense of obligation. Why? When you identify the reasons, you will know better your best course of action.

Given that she went to a therapy session, maybe she is creating a more appropriate channel for her emotional health. If she talks to you about something that - because of topic, time spent, whatever your reason - undermines your own emotional/psychological health, then call for a full stop. "I want to be supportive but I need to ask that we talk about something else." It is fine to call out your own boundary without characterizing her behavior. "I find this topic leaves me a bit drained and I just can't afford that today." It is hard after that to jump to a new topic, so you may want to keep a short list of things you want to share, topics of interest to her when she isn't focused on her own pain.

It may be over the top, but another idea might be to seek out volunteer opportunities in her city ("I was just googling and this popped up??") and say "This seems like fun! If I were there I would ask you to go! If you decide to go, tell me all about it!"

Encouraging your friend to go DO something and tell you about it later, talking about movies and music... topics that get her outwardly focused and may encourage her to seek out more adventures in her own back yard... that's what I can think of as supportive but not fixing. Not fixing? Right- because you are chatting with her with the full expectation that you respect her and see her power. If she doesn't go volunteer or see a movie, so what -- her choice.

If you have gotten pulled in to her victimhood so that you see her as broken, well then, you have a different problem to fix. It is difficult to be friends with someone whom you think needs fixing. She doesn't. She apparently has an aversion to success and therefore self sabotages. She is doing what she wants to do, after all. Nobody is stopping her from reaching out and connecting with others.

Accept her in her humanity as she is. Take responsibility for what works for you. She isn't broken. She is just coming up against one of her self limitations, as we all do, and it's a deeply rooted one that may be hard to fix. Little bits of conversation may work "Oh I want to marry!" Can be met with "Maybe it's better to focus on the process, not the outcome?" Or with "Well, I suggest hanging a sign on your front door: Seeks emotional rescue and marriage. Inquire within." Have a laugh at the absurdity of it. Move on.

Respect yourself by not getting drawn in to her matrix. That will change everything. Then see what happens.

OP: instructive clue: your initial post was framed in her terms: she is like x, what do I do?

(That is a sign of your potential for codependency.)

Frame your experience in your terms: I am losing patience and respect for a friend who complains but doesn't fix. How can I be graceful without getting drawn in? Can I save this friendship?

This is also really helpful. I’ve done the best that I can: I live on the other side of the country, but I’ve helped her vets churches and suggested ways for her to volunteer, and even connected her with friends that I have in her same city. I think the time boundary is great—I’ve gotten into the habit of picking up her calls as much as I’m available, and she’ll IM me throughout the day so it ends up being a bombardment on bad days—and I’ll combine it with milly’s suggestion to limit talking about her mental health.

tallydoo, glad to be of help. :) Let us know how everything works out.

I mean, I just realize that codependent behavior has to have an enabler in order to develop; I don’t think I’m codependent myself, but I’m definitely a great enabler.

Ah, I see. You have confused the term, which is very common. I will straighten it out for you: the codependent IS the enabler.

From wikipedia (but there are tons of other sources):

Codependency is a controversial concept for a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

"Codependency is a controversial concept for a dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

 

OP, this is you.

Oh wow, I see someone beat me to the punch haha