In love with a commitment phobe / Peter Pan?

Hi everyone,

I'm in love with this guy and it's killing me because I don't think he will ever commit to me, even though I'm pretty sure he loves me the way I love him. We're both 29. Let me sum it up.

We met over a year ago on Tinder. Started hooking up pretty quickly, but I ended it after about two months because I started liking him and asked him where he thinks this is going. Back then he explained to me that this isn't going anywhere, that he likes me but that he will never have a girlfriend again and just isn't the relationship kinda guy. Back then I thought it was an excuse and just means he isn't that into me. FYI, I'm really his type though and he is definitely super attracted to me, always has been. After we stopped sleeping together, we became friends. Normal friends at first, friends, who hang out maybe every second weekend. Over the months, the friendship grew and we started hanging out every weekend. First only within our (now) mutual group of friends, then also the two of us. In that time though I went on dates sometimes and so did he, and we told each other everything about it. I realized though that he wasn't just not into me in a romantic way- He's about everyone like this. He doesn't ever lie to girls about his intentions, but his only attention with any girl are to sleep with her. Nothing more. The fact that he even kept seeing me over the span of two months (until I ended it) showed me that he liked me at least a bit better than he liked all the other girls, since he usually got rid of them after one night. Still not enough, of course.

Anyways, our friendship has become more and more intense over the last couple of months. Three months ago, I was already wondering if I have feelings for him. Especially though in the last few weeks we've been spending so much time together that everyone else thinks we're crazy (which I am for sure). To not go too much into detail- These days I'm sleeping at his apartment or he at mine about 4-5 nights a week. If it was for him, it would be EVERY night. He never wants me to go home (we both work from home, so I don't have to go to an office). Even after I do go home, he messages me a few hours later asking me if he should come pick me up, to have dinner, watch a movie or whatever. I want to point out he has never tried to get me to sleep with him. He's been a gentleman. I think he just really enjoys having me around, since we have so much chemistry and never run out of topics. He has a big nice apartment so we usually stay at his. We sleep in one bed. We cuddle. We don't sleep with each other as I said, even though I can tell we're both horny. He doesn't go on dates anymore (since I'm either always at his or him at mine, or even when I'm not he wants to meet and I always know where he is and what he does).

Here's the thing though. I still don't think he wants to be in a relationship with me. I know him that well. I feel like he has the Peter Pan syndrome. He doesn't want to close the door to sleeping with other women, even if he isn't actively trying to meet any, at the moment. He loves making stupid sex jokes, he's often immature. He's a good guy though and I know he would do anything for me. He went to pick me up at the airport at 2am and I know he doesn't do that for any other friends. Before our friendship started to be so intense, he often told me that he thinks relationships are stupid and never end well. And that he doesn't want to be 'one of those'. He had one girlfriend in his life because he wanted to try it out and decided it wasn't for him. When he was drunk, he sometimes hinted that he thinks I'm too good for him. He has used sentences like 'I'm such a pig while you're such a good girl and so successful'. He has a lot of friends, a great social life and is definitely confident, but at the same time I know him better than most of his friends, he's definitely also dealing with anxiety and low self esteem. He has even suggested I move in with him, but I said no. Oh, and when we went out and some guy approached me he made them go away and has even reacted jealous, without ever wanting to admit it.

I just don't know what to do with this guy. I can't keep pretending I have zero feelings for him when he is in fact my closest friend and more than that. I think that he is in love with me and misses me all the time when I'm not around and wants me with him all the time, I think he wants to do everything that a relationship consists of (besides sex maybe because I was the one who told him we should stop, back then) but without the commitment. What on earth is wrong with this guy? Is it really some sort of Peter Pan syndrome? Is he just a commitment phobe? Or could other issues be behind that? Also, what would you do if you were me?

Thanks.

I don't think he has any syndrome or commitmentphobia. He simply is not looking for a relationship right now and told you that from the very beginning -he was very honest with you about that.

It doesn't matter if he is in love with you or has romantic feelings for you. He doesn't want a relationship with you and it really doesn't matter why -if he cares why he can read up on it or see a therapist if he thinks there's more to it than just not wanting a relationship. I don't think it's fair to label him as you are doing just because he's been consistent throughout of not wanting a romantic relationship with you. Doesn't make him a bad or good person. It just "is" -how about letting him be and deciding not to indulge in playing therapist?

You're 29. Unless you want to waste more of your time, continue hanging out with him.

To be blunt, a 31 or 32 year old guy can still get girls of certain ages, but a woman in her 30s doesn't have as much time. He was straight up with u, so if that's what you want..

Go towards it. Otherwise stop this and build towards something with actual meaning.

Back then he explained to me that this isn't going anywhere, that he likes me but that he will never have a girlfriend again and just isn't the relationship kinda guy.

This is the message you need to pay attention to. He has very clearly stated how he feels about your "relationship"... and since you are continuing to hang out with him and stay at his house, he will interpret this as you being okay with this and just wanting to keep things casual.

Consider this: why would he buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free? You are giving him everything he wants... sex, friendship, and your love and affection without him having to commit to being your boyfriend. He won't suddenly change his mind and want to commit to you unless you put a stop to what is happening and decide to be true to your own relationship values.

Unless of course you WANT a FWB situation in which case... carry on.

^ they're actually not having sex anymore lol but that still doesn't take away from the absolute waste of time this whole situation is. Be kind to yourself and to your heart.

Stop wasting your time on this guy! It will never go anywhere.

If you have feelings you can't be friends.

He's behaving this way because you have made it crystal clear you are completely fine and on board with this arrangement. Why wouldn't he continue?

Yep. You enable him to not have to commit to you because you have thrown yourself into this so called "friendship" like he was the last person on earth and you have to be with him whenever he beckons you to come.

Why would he change a thing?

Ask him again if he's interested in being your committed, exclusive, monogamous boyfriend and if he's not, then you're kinda not being very good to yourself to settle for his way or the highway. You're wasting valuable dating years being hung up on a guy that wants to keep it no strings so he can hook up if he ever gets the inkling and he can do it because you're okay just being his friend.

Ooof.

As someone who is very familiar with being labeled a Peter Pan—not without justification—I wade into these waters reluctantly.

Let me just be completely honest. I've had a number of relationships like this, especially when I was around your/his age—blurred line stuff with women I've thought were incredible. Yes, it's friendship. But it's also something else, something murky: a little ego volleying, a little cat and mouse chemistry posturing as genuine intimacy. Does it all magically evolve one day into a real relationship? Um, NO. It's a means of having a relationship without quite having one, and it's rarely cool, honest, or sustainable.

Bottom line: he's getting everything he wants right now. Everything. From day one he let you know his comfort zone—total vagueness—and since then you've complied. That dynamic will just keep going and going, unless you assert your truth. When he says he's not ready for something, when he says you're too good for him—listen to that. He is being straight. Sharing a bed five nights a week does not change that. It really just deepens the very dynamic that you're not really digging, hence this post.

Make no mistake: there is nothing interesting about this guy from a diagnostic standpoint. There is nothing you get from labeling him a Peter Pan, a commitmentphobe. And there is really nothing you get from making the loft assumption that he is in love with you. All that is a romanticization of "emotionally unavailable."

What matters is how you feel, what you want, and owning that. You might not get him, but you will get what you actually want, which is clarity, so you can go on, live your life, and find someone who is on the same plane as you.

Isn't it obvious he is trying to win you over again (to have sex/make you fall in love with him)? Look if you got patience to go on a merry go around with him, good luck! And I assure you, it's more like an emotional roller coaster.

when someone tells you they aren't looking for a relationship, they are saying they don't want YOU as their significant other. You do not have to make excuses for them because when you question them in any form, the doubts will work against you sooner or later.

You are wasting your time. Valuable time you are never getting back. If you want a family and children someday, you need to "break up" whatever this is and move on ASAP. He does not really love you. If he did, he would never trap you in a situation where you stand to end up alone and unhappy. Decent people do not take advantage of people's weakness like that. Maybe you need to seek therapy to explore why you are stuck on a man who has TOLD you that he is emotionally unavailable. Choosing to partake in this farce of a relationship indicates that you are emotionally unavailable yourself.

You are wasting your time. Valuable time you are never getting back. If you want a family and children someday, you need to "break up" whatever this is and move on ASAP. He does not really love you. If he did, he would never trap you in a situation where you stand to end up alone and unhappy. Decent people do not take advantage of people's weakness like that. Maybe you need to seek therapy to explore why you are stuck on a man who has TOLD you that he is emotionally unavailable. Choosing to partake in this farce of a relationship indicates that you are emotionally unavailable yourself.

You hit it. She chose this due to her own emotionally unavailable self; otherwise, she would not have wasted any time with this guy.

The longer you stay in this, the longer you will not have a real bf.

He has a big nice apartment so we usually stay at his. We sleep in one bed. We cuddle. We don't sleep with each other as I said, even though I can tell we're both horny. I still don't think he wants to be in a relationship with me.

Hmm. I think he's controlling and manipulative. He's talked you into a strange relationship where he's literally smothering you with his attention. I don't know if he has an endgame, but this relationship is toxic and you need to disengage from him. He will get in your way of finding a normal relationship. He doesn't want you sexually, but he does want to be in your head.

Ooof.

 

As someone who is very familiar with being labeled a Peter Pan—not without justification—I wade into these waters reluctantly.

 

Let me just be completely honest. I've had a number of relationships like this, especially when I was around your/his age—blurred line stuff with women I've thought were incredible. Yes, it's friendship. But it's also something else, something murky: a little ego volleying, a little cat and mouse chemistry posturing as genuine intimacy. Does it all magically evolve one day into a real relationship? Um, NO. It's a means of having a relationship without quite having one, and it's rarely cool, honest, or sustainable.

 

Bottom line: he's getting everything he wants right now. Everything. From day one he let you know his comfort zone—total vagueness—and since then you've complied. That dynamic will just keep going and going, unless you assert your truth. When he says he's not ready for something, when he says you're too good for him—listen to that. He is being straight. Sharing a bed five nights a week does not change that. It really just deepens the very dynamic that you're not really digging, hence this post.

 

Make no mistake: there is nothing interesting about this guy from a diagnostic standpoint. There is nothing you get from labeling him a Peter Pan, a commitmentphobe. And there is really nothing you get from making the loft assumption that he is in love with you. All that is a romanticization of "emotionally unavailable."

 

What matters is how you feel, what you want, and owning that. You might not get him, but you will get what you actually want, which is clarity, so you can go on, live your life, and find someone who is on the same plane as you.

Bluecastle for the win. As usual.

You've gotten some great replies here, OP. Really think about what you want your future to look like, and start making it happen, today.

Exactly. Perhaps it's time to wonder who is the commitment phobic one here. Because this bizarre folie a deux you're in with him prevents you from having a real bf..or dating. Perhaps that's why you're with this non bf, non friend and Peter Pan weirdo.

I don't know if he has an endgame, but this relationship is toxic and you need to disengage from him. He will get in your way of finding a normal relationship.

The fact that he even kept seeing me over the span of two months (until I ended it) showed me that he liked me at least a bit better than he liked all the other girls, since he usually got rid of them after one night. Still not enough, of course.

Enough for what?

Really, think about this person and his attitude towards women: use 'em and lose em.

Is that a winner?

Does his 'not throwing you away' give you a sense of self worth? Come on. What are you doing here, killing time?

Maybe you have the Peter Pan Syndrome, as well.

what would you do if you were me?

I don't know. It sounds fun, but ultimately pointless ego-fluff. What do you want? A relationship? What is he 'not enough' for? Sounds like he's great for making you feel special via contradictory behavior and sexual tension. Not so much for functional interpersonal relationship.

Also, you oughta listen to people when they say things like this:

He has used sentences like 'I'm such a pig while you're such a good girl and so successful'.

He may not be going out on dates, but what's to say he isn't banging hookers when he has an hour to spare.