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Thread: In love with a commitment phobe / Peter Pan?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You are wasting your time. Valuable time you are never getting back. If you want a family and children someday, you need to "break up" whatever this is and move on ASAP. He does not really love you. If he did, he would never trap you in a situation where you stand to end up alone and unhappy. Decent people do not take advantage of people's weakness like that. Maybe you need to seek therapy to explore why you are stuck on a man who has TOLD you that he is emotionally unavailable. Choosing to partake in this farce of a relationship indicates that you are emotionally unavailable yourself.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    You are wasting your time. Valuable time you are never getting back. If you want a family and children someday, you need to "break up" whatever this is and move on ASAP. He does not really love you. If he did, he would never trap you in a situation where you stand to end up alone and unhappy. Decent people do not take advantage of people's weakness like that. Maybe you need to seek therapy to explore why you are stuck on a man who has TOLD you that he is emotionally unavailable. Choosing to partake in this farce of a relationship indicates that you are emotionally unavailable yourself.
    You hit it. She chose this due to her own emotionally unavailable self; otherwise, she would not have wasted any time with this guy.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The longer you stay in this, the longer you will not have a real bf.
    Originally Posted by sandsky
    He has a big nice apartment so we usually stay at his. We sleep in one bed. We cuddle. We don't sleep with each other as I said, even though I can tell we're both horny. I still don't think he wants to be in a relationship with me.

  4. #14
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    Hmm. I think he's controlling and manipulative. He's talked you into a strange relationship where he's literally smothering you with his attention. I don't know if he has an endgame, but this relationship is toxic and you need to disengage from him. He will get in your way of finding a normal relationship. He doesn't want you sexually, but he does want to be in your head.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Ooof.

    As someone who is very familiar with being labeled a Peter Pan—not without justification—I wade into these waters reluctantly.

    Let me just be completely honest. I've had a number of relationships like this, especially when I was around your/his age—blurred line stuff with women I've thought were incredible. Yes, it's friendship. But it's also something else, something murky: a little ego volleying, a little cat and mouse chemistry posturing as genuine intimacy. Does it all magically evolve one day into a real relationship? Um, NO. It's a means of having a relationship without quite having one, and it's rarely cool, honest, or sustainable.

    Bottom line: he's getting everything he wants right now. Everything. From day one he let you know his comfort zone—total vagueness—and since then you've complied. That dynamic will just keep going and going, unless you assert your truth. When he says he's not ready for something, when he says you're too good for him—listen to that. He is being straight. Sharing a bed five nights a week does not change that. It really just deepens the very dynamic that you're not really digging, hence this post.

    Make no mistake: there is nothing interesting about this guy from a diagnostic standpoint. There is nothing you get from labeling him a Peter Pan, a commitmentphobe. And there is really nothing you get from making the loft assumption that he is in love with you. All that is a romanticization of "emotionally unavailable."

    What matters is how you feel, what you want, and owning that. You might not get him, but you will get what you actually want, which is clarity, so you can go on, live your life, and find someone who is on the same plane as you.
    Bluecastle for the win. As usual.

    You've gotten some great replies here, OP. Really think about what you want your future to look like, and start making it happen, today.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Exactly. Perhaps it's time to wonder who is the commitment phobic one here. Because this bizarre folie a deux you're in with him prevents you from having a real bf..or dating. Perhaps that's why you're with this non bf, non friend and Peter Pan weirdo.
    Originally Posted by DanZee
    I don't know if he has an endgame, but this relationship is toxic and you need to disengage from him. He will get in your way of finding a normal relationship.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sandsky
    The fact that he even kept seeing me over the span of two months (until I ended it) showed me that he liked me at least a bit better than he liked all the other girls, since he usually got rid of them after one night. Still not enough, of course.
    Enough for what?

    Really, think about this person and his attitude towards women: use 'em and lose em.

    Is that a winner?

    Does his 'not throwing you away' give you a sense of self worth? Come on. What are you doing here, killing time?

    Maybe you have the Peter Pan Syndrome, as well.

    Originally Posted by sandsky
    what would you do if you were me?
    I don't know. It sounds fun, but ultimately pointless ego-fluff. What do you want? A relationship? What is he 'not enough' for? Sounds like he's great for making you feel special via contradictory behavior and sexual tension. Not so much for functional interpersonal relationship.

    Also, you oughta listen to people when they say things like this:

    Originally Posted by sandsky
    He has used sentences like 'I'm such a pig while you're such a good girl and so successful'.
    He may not be going out on dates, but what's to say he isn't banging hookers when he has an hour to spare.

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