Required actions when beginning Exclusive

I’m a 52 yr old male and gf is a 53 yr old female.

After about 10 dates in a two week period of time we decided to go exclusive. She agreed to go exclusive with me.

I thought it was a no brained that we’d agree to hide our online dating profiles and tell anyone we had been talking to in a dating context goodbye.

My gf doesn’t want to do this. She thinks I’m being controlling. Says I should trust her based on her actions.

I can’t help but to think she’s nuts. Why on earth can’t we just hide our profiles and tell anyone we’d been Persuing a relationship goodbye? Isn’t that totally normal?

She says she hasn’t spoken with some guy that she dated since they had their date about a week ago. But he’s sent her a message just yesterday, she’s ignored him, but won’t say goodbye. This bothers me a lot.

I think it's completely normal to hide your dating profile and let the folks you may have been dating know. That's what my GF and I did about a month ago. It wasn't even a big thing. I told her that I wanted to concentrate on seeing where our relationship would go and had taken down my dating profiles. She told me she was "headed that way" and, about a week later, had taken hers down as well.

Even before her, I had someone who I had a date scheduled with cancel on me because they decided to go exclusive with someone else. My feelings weren't hurt or anything because it's totally normal. I wished her the best of luck and that was it.

So yea, if she's not willing to take down her dating profile, you're not actually exclusive. I agree on trusting someone based on their actions, but taking down their dating profile *is* an action that can build trust.

OK. She doesn't want to be exclusive after 2 weeks/10 dates which is fine. How is she "your gf" after 10 dates? What is the purpose of "hiding" profiles at this time? Is it a suggestion you make as prelude to sex?

"Hiding" profiles means your dating site account is all set and ready to go at any time with a simple click. So it simply means not actively dating others....at the moment. Unfortunately it sounds like she's on the fence about you and still shopping around.

You can hide your profile but you can't make anyone hide theirs. It is controlling because it's her call, not yours. All you can do is take note and act accordingly.

After about 10 dates in a two week period of time we decided to go exclusive. I thought it was a no brained that we’d agree to hide our online dating profiles and tell anyone we had been talking to in a dating context goodbye. My gf doesn’t want to do this. She thinks I’m being controlling. some guy that she dated since they had their date about a week ago. But he’s sent her a message just yesterday, she’s ignored him, but won’t say goodbye.

Just to clarify, she agreed to be exclusive with me.

To me that means telling people you’ve dated or have talked to and considered dating goodbye.

I somehow missed that you'd only been together for 2 weeks. I agree that's a bit early to have the "exclusive" talk. That said, if you have had the talk and are on the same page when you talked, she should disable her dating profile. If, after 2 weeks, she still wants to have that open and date, that is completely normal and expected. But not if she is telling you that you are exclusive.

10 dates in just two weeks? Now you are pushing to be exclusive already AND you are dictating to her how she should address people she might have been talking to on the dating site? Yeah.....I can see how she might be freaked out and call you controlling. That's quite a pushy whirlwind you've got going on and you are calling her nuts? How nice....I'm being sarcastic here.

How that actually works is this. If you feel like you are happy with where you are and aren't interested in other options, that's all good and well. You can either let the person you are seeing know or not. Up to you really. It's quite frankly a bit too much too soon. So you don't pressure the other person, but rather allow them to move forward at their own pace and CHOOSE to be with you rather than be pressured into being with you. If it takes them another week or even a month to reach the same point, that's perfectly acceptable. You do not dictate to them how to address and handle people they are talking to. That's entirely on them and none of your business how they choose to end things.

If you've been dating 2-3 months and still not mutually exclusive, as in the relationship isn't moving forward, again, you don't pressure the person, you simply accept that they aren't that into you and move on. Demanding exclusivity after two weeks and dictating how she should go about it - that's nuts.

What about telling other potential suitors goodbye? She had some guy send her a message just yesterday. She dated him a week ago but hasn’t communicated with him since then. I think if we’ve agreed to go exclusive that it’s practically required that we’d agree to close those relationships.

I’d say about 70% of the times we met in person were because she wanted to see me and meet me.

I didn’t push to go exclusive. We agreed to it. She pushed more than me.

My question really is something like ... if we’ve agreed to go exclusive, what are normal protocols?

No dating/sex with others.

WOW! Ten dates in two weeks. Too much! I see this fizzling as quickly as it started. You should only be seeing each other a couple times a week. Do you have interests and friends?

The bit about her not hiding her profile, suggests that she is not ready to be "exclusive." This is what happens when you rush things with people you do not know.

What about telling other potential suitors goodbye? She had some guy send her a message just yesterday. She dated him a week ago but hasn’t communicated with him since then. I think if we’ve agreed to go exclusive that it’s practically required that we’d agree to close those relationships.

Well if you stop talking to them then that deal is closed. Nothing more needs to be said or done.

How do you even know about this guy or what specifically she is doing with him? There is so much wrong with just this alone, let alone the entire whirlwind dynamic going on.

I think you are moving too fast into an exclusive relationship. 2 weeks is much too soon, and 10 dates in that time is a lot. Slow down! What's the hurry?

Also, I think she's keeping her options open for someone better since she wont take her dating profile down.

I’d say about 70% of the times we met in person were because she wanted to see me and meet me.

 

I didn’t push to go exclusive. We agreed to it. She pushed more than me.

 

My question really is something like ... if we’ve agreed to go exclusive, what are normal protocols?

Ummm.....so do you not have a life, friends, things to do? Don't know how to say no sorry I'm busy? Again, 10 dates in 2 weeks is pretty much seeing each other daily and while that may create a sense of connection, it's a false connection. In reality, you two really are complete strangers, acting whacky, and spending way too much time too fast. Why are you allowing her to lead you by a leash?

Isn't it obvious? She's not sure she wants you and only you and wants to keep the door open and her options open in case things don't work out with you.

I’m a 52 yr old male and gf is a 53 yr old female.

 

After about 10 dates in a two week period of time we decided to go exclusive. She agreed to go exclusive with me.

I thought it was a no brained that we’d agree to hide our online dating profiles and tell anyone we had been talking to in a dating context goodbye.

 

My gf doesn’t want to do this. She thinks I’m being controlling. Says I should trust her based on her actions.

 

She says she hasn’t spoken with some guy that she dated since they had their date about a week ago. But he’s sent her a message just yesterday, she’s ignored him, but won’t say goodbye. This bothers me a lot.

Man this thread is confusing. First (above) you said she agreed to go exclusive with you, which suggests you were the one who proposed it, and she agreed.

But in a later post, you said she was the one who pushed for it. So which is it?

If you asked for exclusive, then yeah even though she agreed, it's sort of obvious she's not all the way into it, since she doesn't want to take down her profile, and tell these guys she has a boyfriend.

Because I think everyone would agree, being exclusive means not actively searching for other people to date. And since she insists on keeping her profile active, it appears she is still wanting to keep her options open.

If she was the one to actually propose going exclusive (pushed for it as you said in later post), while maintaining an active profile and refusing to tell guys she has a boyfriend, then it appears she wants her cake and eat it too, either that or she's full of cr** and stringing you along.

I am not gonna judge why 10 dates in two weeks, or that it's too fast or soon or whatever, since that wasn't your original question and not what this thread is about.

Edit: What's also confusing is she thinks she should be able to maintain an active profile, but that you should trust her based on her actions. What actions is she referring to, the action of maintaining an active profile?

Because on its face that would cause anyone to have distrust, I certainly would had my boyfriend insisted on maintaining an active profile once we went exclusive. So not understanding her thought process about that.

The actions are only to not cheat.

If she doesn’t respond, she’s still not talking to them. If she’s inactive on the website, her profile will be auto hidden.

The actions are only to not cheat.

 

If she doesn’t respond, she’s still not talking to them. If she’s inactive on the website, her profile will be auto hidden.

If she does not plan to respond, then why not just hide the profile? What's the point of keeping it active? So she can continue receiving messages? Why for an ego boost, even though she doesn't plan on responding?

I get if she's inactive, the profile will be auto-hidden eventually, but I find it highly doubtful she won't at least be reading her messages, even if she doesn't plan on responding, which will maintain her active status.

None of this makes sense to me, and when things don't make sense to me, especially this early on (two weeks in), time to abort mission.

JMO.

Yeah, exactly...why not just hide the profile then if she doesn't intend on keeping her options open?

It's quite obvious what she's doing. She's not sure about you, OP....waiting for the better deal while stringing you along.

I agree, but I think him insisting on it may be making her resistant to it.

It should automatically be hidden. he should not have had to to say anything.

The speed with all of this, and her inaction to hide the profile, demonstrates she is not ready to be exclusive.

My take:

If he kept pressing the issue, repeatedly, it would demonstrate he doesn’t trust me and I would resist a little bit. I would hide my profile, but I would be annoyed he’s insisting so much. OP seems insistent/controlly, so that’s my take.

He trusts her or he doesn’t. That’s all.

I think you could be right. That’s kinda why I’m here asking the question ... if two people agree to go exclusive, is it normal for me to require profiles hidden AND Just as important severing other relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t say or do anything mean. Really the only choice I see here is do I accept the situation and move forward w her, or would I be some kind of weirdo if I decide those are deal breakers if not met. I see at as take it or leave it, not try to force her to do anything.

I think explicit communication is very important on things a partner would have a right to know. I don’t need to know where she is or who she’s with all the time. I totally encourage her to do things with her friends, etc. im totally a trusting sort - so long as I hear actual words. Im not keen on assumptions.

I agree, but I think him insisting on it may be making her resistant to it.

He didn't though.

 

I didn’t push to go exclusive. We agreed to it. She pushed more than me.

 

That's why it doesn't make sense, it's total mixed message! Just me but I have no use for mixed messages in my life, especially so early in.

Done, Next.

I know I should take what OP says, but I’m skeptical. This thread seems pushy so I’m extrapolating.

Also, how do we know he wasn’t pushy about the profile? That’s the main point.

For me, a man agreeing to be exclusive, but insisting on maintaining an active profile, would be a dealbreaker, and I don't think there is anything wrong or overly-demanding about that.

To me, at the very least, it suggests he wants to keep options open (which may be fine for another woman), and in direct opposition to what exclusivity means to me.

That said, I would never rush into exclusivity the way they have. My bf and I didn't go full on exclusive until 2.5 months in.

I would never insist on him hiding it, not my style. I'd just wish him well and quietly walk away. If he asked why, I would tell him we're not on the same page, period, end of.