What would you do if you were my friend.

Hi all,

I've got this very close friend by name of Suzanna. She's 40 and has more or less been single her entire life - a few meaningless flings here and there, nothing of substance. We had dinner yesterday and she essentially spent about 3 hours talking about this situation she finds herself in. I suggested that she posts on here but she's not brilliant with all things IT and I am her IT adviser ha ha so am posting for her.

The scenario has been posted here on ENA about 10897834 times over the years. She met this bloke a couple of weeks ago, IRL. Shared a few passionate kisses. Both seemingly equally into each other. He's younger by something like 7 years. The day after they met, she texted and he responded; then followed the abundance of 'I am into you big time' convos, on text. They saw each other a week later. Had, according to her, a fantastic 7+ hour date. She said he seemed completely smitten. As is she. Two days after this, he left for a three week holiday in a popular tourist destination. Kept texting her non-stop and on own initiative every day for the first week - all she did was respond. All of a sudden, as of last Sunday night, he's offline. Like, gone, completely. She's in bits. 'Oh he's forgotten all about me'. 'Oh he's gone open sea fishing and can't get reception, shall I try and call'. (this she did - no response, according to her). 'Oh he must have met someone else'.

What would you suggest I tell her to do?

She is driving me IN-SANE. Please help me out here? I told her I'd ask and print out the responses for her to read!

Thank you kindly,

Metaltwin

She needs to chill out.

If there is one time in life where you just have to sit back and let things happen, it’s when the guy is on vacation.

They aren’t in a relationship (so he doesn’t “owe” her anything in terms of communication - she has just grown accustomed). And really, he should enjoy his vacation.

She has already done all she can and should do. She can rest confident in the knowledge that he knows she’s interested. Now she needs to let him come forward (or not).

Sometimes men are like cats. Lol! If you chase them and try to pet them they run away... but if you just do your thing, they find their way to you.

She should busy herself with her own life now, so that if he does get in touch, she has interesting things to say. Lol!

RedDress,

Almost word for word what I told her! I completely agree!

Thank you!

I agree, she should simmer down and leave it be. He knows how to contact her if he wants to. A person on holiday should be enjoying their vacation, not being on their phone texting others. She's jumped in pretty hard and fast and needs to pull herself back in.

Go with the cat analogy.

Let me think about this, from a grumpy old man POV - a few possibilities - which is all they are. Its such a short time thing ....

1. He's dating more than one person... in which case don't chase him, be the mysterious unavailable one that piques his interest, be unavailable until he contacts you.

2. He was in oxytocin zone for a week or two, but it wore off while he was on holiday - in which case don't chase him, be unavailable until he contacts you.

3. He's having a great time on holiday, your contact is a bit smothering, at this early stage, so don't chase him, be unavailable until he contacts you.

4. He is actually on a fishing boat, with no internet - in which case ... you don't want him to get back into wifi range and find 800 needy texts from you. So be unavailable etc.

5. He is having a little holiday fling. In which case, you hardly know him, you have no right to anything from him, so your best bet is to be the mysterious unavailable one that piques his interest, be unavailable until he contacts you after he gets back.

6. He watches that Cory Wayne BS about letting women chase you blah blah blah and has gone cold as some sort of game playing nonsense. In which case you probably should contact him once after he gets back, and otherwise be the mysterious unavailable one that piques his interest, and then be unavailable until he contacts you. At which point if he responds "hey grab a bottle of wine, come over to mine, and we'll make dinner" you will know for sure he is playing the moves from "Coach" Corey's book.

It really is so early in this potential relationship that yes I'd say you are (sorry your friend is) overthinking it.

Sit back, be scarce (its attractive) and see what happens when he comes back.

I think the issue here is she had unrealistic expectations since she chose to be in such constant flirty contact with him even though they only met twice. She should focus on the fact that they only met twice. Did they make a plan in advance for when he got back? If not then the last time they saw each other was the last date unless they make a plan to see each other again. It's not a negative that he didn't want to make a plan that far in advance but her mindset should be that they had their last date and when he returns he might call her and ask her out again or he might not. I'm sorry she chose to get so invested in him.

The short and simple answer is that she has no choice but to chill out and wait and see what happens when he comes back from vacation. As already pointed out, if there is ever a time when people get a pass on dropping contact, it's while on vacation.

That said, it sounds like your friend has life long personal commitment issues and once again is pursuing something that isn't likely to work out long term. Or let's just say the odds are against it. The guy is only 33, she is 40. That's a big life stage/age difference. Also she pursued him for that second date, so who knows what his interest level actually is. He might have been flattered or simply opportunistic. The 7+ hours date is a mistake no matter how great it seems and how mutual. It's just too much too soon and too often people will walk away from that date, then start thinking about it, all that happened, all that was said and are liable to get freaked out or feel smothered. It's a bit like binging on cake. Sure it tastes good while you are eating it but the next day you have a stomachache and regret eating so much. A little self control and keeping the dates short and fun goes a long way early on. You want to leave something to still be discovered and desired. Not saying that this is already finished or anything, that still remains to be seen, but more just for future reference if this doesn't work out for her. Overall, this situation sounds to me a lot like what burns too hot too fast burns out just as abruptly. Hope I'm wrong.

Thank you everyone who responded!

RayRay 63 - I so completely agree with your points 1 to 5; old-fashioned, yes, but very true no matter what year! Re: your point 6: who the h***'s Cory Wayne??

Am printing the whole thread out as we speak - she truly will be grateful as she is laughably clueless not only about posting on forums but about all things men, dating etc!

He's a youtube coaching guru. A lot of what he says is well thought out, or at least has a solid foundation, and I agree with it - but only up to a point. His end-game approach seems to me to objectify women. One thing he does say which rings true is "nature takes care of attraction". People are either mutually attracted to one another, or they aren't. And if this guy isn't, you can't control that.

RayRay for the win!

Pick any or all of his scenarios.

Thank you again everyone and there is an update! He actually emailed her last night, apologised for lack of contact, explained that he was 'open sea' fishing or whatever it is called where he couldn't get wi fi and then did a bit of partying with friends - whether this is what happened or not no-one knows but at least he did make an effort; to me his email kind of sounded like 'please let's keep talking'. I showed her your responses, and she was literally gobsmacked. 'THIS is how I need to behave?? Really?? Can't I just..tell him how I feel??' Ehm.. can we say clueless??

So, my advise to her now is to not yet respond to his email until he texts her - mostly based on your responses and especially RayRay's points 1-5! How I'm going to 'manage' her in all this remains to be seen as it's essentially like talking to a 15 y old!

What do *I* get out of this apart from helping a friend in need? I get to live vicariously through her!

Once again thanks everyone who responded!

Thank you again everyone and there is an update! He actually emailed her last night, apologised for lack of contact, explained that he was 'open sea' fishing or whatever it is called where he couldn't get wi fi and then did a bit of partying with friends - whether this is what happened or not no-one knows but at least he did make an effort; to me his email kind of sounded like 'please let's keep talking'. I showed her your responses, and she was literally gobsmacked. 'THIS is how I need to behave?? Really?? Can't I just..tell him how I feel??' Ehm.. can we say clueless??

 

So, my advise to her now is to not yet respond to his email until he texts her - mostly based on your responses and especially RayRay's points 1-5! How I'm going to 'manage' her in all this remains to be seen as it's essentially like talking to a 15 y old!

 

What do *I* get out of this apart from helping a friend in need? I get to live vicariously through her!

 

Once again thanks everyone who responded!

Actually I think that was scenario 4.

Funny how he got in contact after not hearing from her from her for a couple of days ;-)

She should tell him, "hey enjoy your holiday, call me when you get back and we'll set up a date"

And then go quietly.

If I was him I'd be looking forward to it when I got back.

RayRay,

That's what I told her too. To just make it clear that she is not interested in chit-chat on text, that he needs to ask her out when he's back. But oh no. She's oh so in luuuuuuuve (lust, but that's what she calls is, bless her). Is determined to keep the 'connection' going.

Thank you for your response! :)

Well, good luck to her, I hope it goes well. But a little bit of mystery and scarcity will likely increase his interest.

She could set up the date now.. and then not contact again, just turn up.