Fiance help

My fiance and i have dated for 3 years, engaged for 1 year. She has 4 kids. Me 0. I added onto my home to accommodate her kids. However, the addition consumed us, and we lost sight of “us” and this led her to leaving me. This was 6 months ago. Since then, we have talked off and on, and at times things looked like we would make it through. Although we are on good terms, last week she said she does not want to date anyone at the moment, as she spent years pleasing me and my family and needs to regroup with her kids, career, and the process of her family moving out of state. She knows i want her back badly. She does want to spend time together but doesnt want to talk about us at the moment. She is up for that potentially in the future. Even her kids want us to make it work, and it’s odd because nothing bad really happened in our relationship. I realize i cant just hang around and wait for her, but i really have no interest moving on and dating others. I certainly dont want to run her off by being so persistent either. It makes it easier she is very social and gets out often and i dont. Help!!

She can't have it both ways. Do not reward he by spending time with her. She is being unfair and selfish.

Tell her when she has worked through her stuff, to reach out; otherwise, you need to go complete NC. I also suggest couples counseling, or you will return to the same problems.

That’s the thing, Sometimes I feel like she wouldn’t mind putting me on the shelf for later, yet if I wanted to go NC and move on, she completely understands that. She is responsive to texts/calls, but i realize it’s pretty one-sided, pertaining to her stuff/life. I guess she is already telling me to go on if I have to. It’s tough because she is so busy with kids and her job and outside of work, i really dont do much but think. Makes it harder with no distractions.

Then make your own life. You should have your own interests and friends. Get out in your community and volunteer, Meetups etc...

She does not fear losing you. Stop being her back burner guy/doormat and go NC.

You say the problems were minor and yet instead of caring enough to work on the stress that is a part of daily life, she walked away. People who walk away don't care, and they will repeat that pattern if you got back together. Stop contact with her because she's in the past and should stay there. Be alone and build a fulfilling life solo, otherwise you won't be the ideal partner to anyone in your future. You should have at least one hobby/interest you can be passionate about. You should spend time with guy friends. When you do that, you won't make a woman the sole center of your universe, and cling to her even though she's no good for you.

I agree that “selfish” is the correct word, here. And not just now... in general.

I just can’t even imagine moving into someone’s house, bringing my four kids with me, getting engaged, letting him spend what I presume is tens of thousands of dollars on the addition to his house (which I presume you would not have wanted if it weren’t for her kids)... and then walking out because you “lost sight of us”?!? I mean... you were talking about marriage. In a marriage, occasionally you “lose sight of us”. If there were no other problems, you work that kind of stuff out?

And now she’s keeping you on a string?

Frankly, I don’t know why you are not more angry.

I’m not one to jump to these conclusions usually, but my bet would be that she has someone else and she’s keeping you as a backup plan. It just doesn’t make sense otherwise (or she’s incredibly selfish).

I know you have invested a lot - emotionally and also in terms of time and money. But for your OWN sake, i think you need to cut the ties. This woman does seem incredibly selfish. I’m sorry.

What do you mean when you say that doing the house addition consumed you. How? Was it a financial strain, disagreements over things?

Also, what does she mean when she says that she is tired from having to constantly please you and your family? If you have nothing in your life outside of her and your relationship, were you smothering her?

Your post is a bit too vague for me to call her selfish. There seems to have been some serious issues happening between you and her that simply came to a head and blew up. She sounds burnt out.