What next?

Hi everyone,

I know I'm going to get a lot of hate with my post, and I know, I deserve it. It's one of the reasons I'm considering killing myself through this.

A bit of back story. Met my gf in high school. She was a jr, I was a sr. It wasn't meant to be initially, so it wasn't until years later that we managed to find each other again. She was miserable in a relationship with an abusive guy. She eventually left him for me and we started dating. It was great at the very beginning, but this emotional turmoil played on her too much and put a terrible strain on our relationship. It brought me to the point of considering breaking up with her, but she didn't like this and threatened to kill herself multiple times. I felt cornered and conflicted, on one hand I was not mentally fit to deal with her death if she did it, as I too have battled with suicidal ideologies as well as attempts, and on the other hand I felt sympathy as I had once done this before with a gf that broke up with me. I decided to work through it with her. Because I most certainly would have taken my own life if she took hers, I didn't want to risk it. So we are still together to this day. Only I have this deep, dark secret that I haven't dared tell her. While this was initially going down, I felt like how she dumped what she was going to do to herself onto me if I broke up, it shook me, I felt very affected by it. To the point I didn't know what to do. I didn't talk to anyone about it, but I felt trapped now. I feel stupid even saying this like it somehow excuses my behavior, but while I was in the middle of being rattled by having our relationship be taken hostage, I developed feelings for someone else. Someone not fair, and completely wrong to have fallen for no matter how you slice it... it was her sister.

I did everything I could to rid my thoughts of her. I even stopped talking to her altogether and blocked her from all social media for a few years now. I've numerous times outright ghosted her at family functions, just so I could stop thinking of her. I was beginning to be rude to her, ignoring her, pretty much nothing she deserved, but I tried to do everything I could to get over her. I can't. I don't know what else to do. It's been 9 years of this! How do I get rid of these feelings? I feel hopeless. I've done everything in my power not to think of her, and then when our family gets together a few times a year, I see her and those feelings flood into me all over again. Every time I would get a happy feeling because of her, like a type of conditioning, I'd shoot it down in my head and pinch myself until my skin broke, then I'd go and berate myself in the bathroom for enjoying being around her. I feel happy when I'm around her, like witnessing your mirrored self, and I've known her long enough to know she is who I would be happiest with. I'm reminded every time. This is what makes it so hard being around her.

I try not to equate her to some perfection I lead myself to believe because that's what this sounds like, and every time she gets a bf I'm crushed and I'm happy it devastates me, because I deserve it for being such a pathetic waste of a man. Ultimately she deserves to be happy and to not know her BIL is a sick, twisted, garbage human who can't get her out of his head. I know she'd never pick me even if this all ended without disaster. In fact I want her to be married and have kids, so I can stop with these stupid, immature, immoral feelings and do the right thing and divorce my wife without her knowing it was my feelings for her sister all along that mucked things up. To end the life we have built for 10 years now is daunting. We have a house. Are married. Are trying to start a family. But this. I want the sister to move away. Or maybe I should be so mean to her so she hates me, I'd be ok with it, but not with hurting her. I never want to hurt her, she doesn't deserve it, and my wife doesn't either. Yet here I am dangling this devastating, life-altering secret without any good outcome for anyone involved.

I do know this though and it's been what I've been trying to use as ammo, and that is I know the sister wants nothing to do with me intimately, in fact I am 100% positive that telling her my feelings would result in her being repulsed, damaged, mortified, and feeling betrayed on a level that would feel like she betrayed her sister too, even though she did nothing. I am so confident of this in fact, that it's what's helped me to try and get over her, time and time again, but I can't, what do I do? Do I tell her family I can't see her around anymore? Do I tell this sister that she needs to be out of my life and never talk to me again? Even in person? Since my feelings aren't going away and have developed on their own maybe I should divorce my wife since she doesn't deserve the pathetic, p.o.s. slimeball of a husband that I am. What if my wife threatens to kill herself, or seriously makes considerations to do so? My deplorable behavior will be the cause of this and setting forth in proceedings means it's irreversible, and once I set the divorce in motion there's no turning back, but hey I know it's what's best for her, she doesn't deserve a waste of life like myself, but I'm too scared to see her crumble in-front of me, to see what it will do to her, that it could lead her to try and kill herself for real this time, and I would be responsible for this. I just don't want to see this happen to her, but how can I avoid it now? what can I do? And myself? well I already have thought of squaring off my debts and killing myself anyways, I've already convinced myself a long time ago that I should, even if I'm too scared to do it. What do I do? What now?

With you having these ideas of self harm and self hate, now is not a good time to start a family. If you want to be fair to anyone, be fair to an unborn child and don't bring he/she about right now until you get proper help with your issues.

First and foremost, I think you need to get personal counselling/therapy. That seems to be most important at the moment. Work through these feelings and issues till you can move past them all.

You don't sound like you're in a good place right now and it does sound as though you need help with it. A good therapist with help you work through all these issues.

I do think it's best that you stay away from the sister in law, even if it means not speaking to her. No good can come out of it.

But for now, definitely seek help and work through these issues and feelings with a trained therapist.

With you having these ideas of self harm and self hate, now is not a good time to start a family. If you want to be fair to anyone, be fair to an unborn child and don't bring he/she about right now until you get proper help with your issues.

 

First and foremost, I think you need to get personal counselling/therapy. That seems to be most important at the moment. Work through these feelings and issues till you can move past them all.

You don't sound like you're in a good place right now and it does sound as though you need help with it. A good therapist with help you work through all these issues.

 

I do think it's best that you stay away from the sister in law, even if it means not speaking to her. No good can come out of it.

 

But for now, definitely seek help and work through these issues and feelings with a trained therapist.

I totally agree with all of the above. All this talk about and threatening suicide is not the way to go and will not change anything. You clearly need a lot of help for all of your issues. You are not in a mentally healthy place for any kind of relationship right now and you have no place messing with your sister-in-law.

Make an appointment with a doctor to get a referral for counselling/therapy. Start there and get yourself sorted out.

A history of self harm, self hate, an addiction to drama...

This is all easily rectified with the help of a good therapist.

I would bet my last dollar these feelings aren’t real but rather your nature to be attracted to chaos.

Think about it, the idealation, the fantasizing, the ‘can’t stop it’ attitude,It’s literally all in your head, come on, you know this language isn’t an acceptable excuse past the age of 16. Mostly due to grown adults having a better hold of their emotions.

Please, please, please see someone.

Do you not find it weird that you started off saying you met your girlfriend in high school? Most people would say "I met my wife in high school". You also make no mention of whenyou actually got married, 1 year ago or 8 years ago? So you see yourself as someone's brother in law and not someone's husband? You would get so much more out of therapy than from an online forum.

Amalia13, good eye. Yeah I don't know how my mind works sometimes. We only got married over the summer, our marriage is so new I still am getting used to it. I probably should have proof read this better. I guess in some weird sense I was thinking in the past tense and still mix up terms. I did this while we were engaged too. Whatever. I've tried therapy before. I tried getting a referral, but have been unsuccessful. Do you really think therapy is going to fix this? what do I tell my wife? do I keep on keeping this from her?

...an addiction to drama...

how did you make that determination?

I totally agree with all of the above. All this talk about and threatening suicide is not the way to go and will not change anything. You clearly need a lot of help for all of your issues. You are not in a mentally healthy place for any kind of relationship right now and you have no place messing with your sister-in-law.

Make an appointment with a doctor to get a referral for counselling/therapy. Start there and get yourself sorted out.

so what do I do? spend time away from my home? I'm residing in the same house after all. As for a referral, I tried to get one before, but they didn't think I needed one. I don't have money for therapy right now either and don't have insurance that would cover it. I feel like I'm doing my wife a disservice by keeping this all from her, this isn't going to fix things will it?

With you having these ideas of self harm and self hate, now is not a good time to start a family. If you want to be fair to anyone, be fair to an unborn child and don't bring he/she about right now until you get proper help with your issues.

 

First and foremost, I think you need to get personal counselling/therapy. That seems to be most important at the moment. Work through these feelings and issues till you can move past them all.

You don't sound like you're in a good place right now and it does sound as though you need help with it. A good therapist with help you work through all these issues.

 

I do think it's best that you stay away from the sister in law, even if it means not speaking to her. No good can come out of it.

 

But for now, definitely seek help and work through these issues and feelings with a trained therapist.

Absolutely agree. In fact a lot of my stress is also in the fact I don't feel prepared for handling this right now. Bringing a child into this too? We got married just over 2 months ago and we knew we wanted kids before we were married, so this was only a part in that progression. Think I don't worry about how my state is going to affect our child? It terrifies me. How influential it all is. I grew up in a dysfunctional household. I've been around families who can't handle themselves. I've brought this up to my wife, she knows this and isn't pressuring me at least, but we still want a family, even if holding off now for a bit might be the better option.

As for the SIL, I'm already not talking to her. I've blocked and deleted her phone number. Her facebook, her instagram, her e-mail address. I haven't talked to her over any of those platforms for over a year on some and almost two years on the others. There's no way she can even talk to me now unless it's face to face. This past week was the first time since christmas last year that I saw her. Even that I'm having a hard time with and don't want to see her anymore at any of these functions, period. It's impossible though since I'm going to see her at christmas and other family events or I'm going to raise suspicion with their parents. She's been asking her sister if she's done something wrong and my wife keeps having to tell her I must be going through something and brushes it off, unbeknownst to either of them, there's a reason I don't want to talk to her and I keep lying to my wife about it when she keeps asking me when it comes up. I've been trying everything in my power. Pretty much everything short of being mean to her sister so she hates me and never talks to me again, I'd actually be ok with having her hate me, if it weren't for the fact this would really hurt my wife and raise questions.

As for a trained therapist, it's easier online to hide behind a keyboard and retain some form of anonymity. Than to talk openly about this face to face with a stranger, even if they are qualified to help. As for my doctor, perhaps he can help me get medication. It failed the last time I brought it up to their attention, but maybe now they'll be willing to help medicate me. The only issue is I also don't have coverage for therapy, and don't have much free cash flow to pay that. Online forums like these provide some semblance of help at least.