GF moving out but staying together

My gf and I have lived together for a short period. Our relationship is great and we have a lot in common. We have discussed a future marriage and other plans.

However, she has recently decided to move into her dad's over in the next town, for reasons that are vague. She says she still wants us to be together, but acknowledges that we will have a significant reduction in how much time we can spend together.

I am not happy about this, and she refuses to compromise in any aspect of the move. However, she is clinging to our relationship, as I have become somewhat upset and distant, because I don't see how it is going to work, nor do I want to go from a full time relationship to a part time relationship where I feel I will have do make all of the sacrifices and do all of the work.

She is hugging, kissing, making love, holding me, telling me she loves me, etc. Though the refusal to compromise with me (live with me 50 percent of the time,) makes me feel more like a possession than a boyfriend.

Any thoughts?

However, she has recently decided to move into her dad's over in the next town, for reasons that are vague. She says she still wants us to be together, but acknowledges that we will have a significant reduction in how much time we can spend together.

I smell potential cheating. If she’s being vague then she’s hiding something from you.

Something is very wrong if your girlfriend is moving out and she won't tell you why.

I find it odd that she is setting boundaries before she leaves, like she has a certain lifestyle in mind.

It could be anything; resist the temptation to guess or make things up.

If she can't be candid, then the relationship is not as intimate as you wish. And maybe, appropriately so. It sounds like you may have moved in together too soon. Did you? What were the circumstances surrounding the move?

The fact that her reasons are vague are concerning, but I will share with you that my son and his girlfriend lived together for a year and due to school and finances both moved home to their parents.

I can't lie, I thought moving backwards was the first sign of an ending. 5 years later and they just got married last weekend.

Outside of her not giving you a reason or one that you understand, moving apart and still staying together can be a great test to the strength of your relationship.

Her father tested positive for an Alzheimer's gene, and she lost family members to the disease. She rarely cries, but she does when recounting those who she lost. Her dad has had some short term memory issues recently, amd one of her siblings apparently was argy8ng with her about moving in with he because she was supposed to take care of their father if he became sick.

There are other minor issues as well. However, her father still works and jas not undergone any sort of medical testing, which I point out to her. I myself am on disability due to an accident, and I don't bring in very much money, and she definitely wants me to stick by her.

I have worried about the cheating possibilities. She knows I have been betrayed, but knowing I had been betrayed in my past didn't stop my ex-wife from cheating in me (some people are just pure evil scumbags.) Because of past betrayals, I am adept at sniffing them out, and my GF knows this. She could simply end things with me, but she isn't. She knows that I may decide to end things without a compromise in place, and she is pulling out all of the stops short of that compromise to convince me to stay. She stops me as I walk through the house amd states into my eyes and hugs me. She is coming on strong about it.

After posting, we went to the grocery store to buy diner for all of our kids (my sons and her daughters,) and we talked in the parking lot. I reiterated why I need a compromise and gave more details about how I felt that it would work, and why I would have a hard time sticking around or trusting her without one.

She relented a bit and will think on it. I am mentally and emotionally prepared to walk away, as I know what I want for the rest of my life. I love her in ways I have never experienced, and she is like the female version of me in many ways. However, if I am the only one making sacrifices and putting in all of the work in order to make us "work," I would rather be alone.

Does she talk about the future with you and what it might look like? Or is the move permanent or uncertain?

You can force her hand, but you might regret it.

You certainly don't want to do it to manipulate her into staying, because from where I sit, it sounds like that's what you are doing.

In the end it's definitely your call. But if you want feel strongly about ending it, just be sure to do so and not become a lion with no teeth and change your mind.

*Just be careful what you wish for.

 

She knows that I may decide to end things without a compromise in place.

 

I reiterated why I need a compromise and gave more details about how I felt that it would work, and why I would have a hard time sticking around or trusting her without one.

 

What type of compromise do you have in mind? What would a fair compromise look like to you? Given her dad is ill and naturally she wants to be there to care for him in any way she can.

My dad suffered memory loss too before his passing (he died from a bad fall, bleeding in the brain), but one night he "forgot" to take the pot off the burner on the stove (while the burner was on), and then fell asleep.

Woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the smoke alarm blasting! Thankfully, all was okay, but still, had the potential of being something majorly disastrous.

I think her wanting to move home with him is extremely admirable and imo you should be supporting her, not threatening to break up with her because she won't do things "your way."

I am not trying to manipulate her, though by just giving in to what she wants, I am sacrificing all of my wants and needs, which is why I am trying to get her to compromise. I told her that I am struggling with what is at stake.

We had talked about being married, the hone we wanted to have, starting a business together, amd various other goals.

However, if she moves into her dad's on a permanent, full time basis, we are going from being together full time, to spending maybe four nights a month together with some random visits in between. I will have to manage my life without her while doing all of the work to maintain what is left of what we had, including a lot of extra driving and a lot of sacrificing of my time for a one-sided relationship.

I want more than that, and she knew that from the beginning. I guess time will tell, as whatever is going to happen is going to happen withing the next couple of weeks. Her father gave me his blessing to marry her, and permission to have his mother's ring modified/remade for her because it is important to her. The ring is in my possession; that is how serious things were up until her decision to move out.

I am not trying to manipulate her, though by just giving in to what she wants, I am sacrificing all of my wants and needs, which is why I am trying to get her to compromise.

Okay I will ask again, what would a fair compromise look like to you? Serious question.

Her dad suffers from memory loss, so did mine and almost caused a fire in his home while he was asleep (see previous post).

Can you think of the situation as only temporary? Eventually, if he does develop full on Alzheimer's, he may need to be placed in a care facility to be cared for full time.

Do you love this girl? It does seem like she loves you but is between a rock and hard place right now.

And why are you presuming if she moves in with dad, the RL will only be one-sided, with you doing all the work? Isn't that jumping the gun a bit?

No disrespect but you sound needy and a bit selfish to me.

Okay I will ask again, what would a fair compromise look like to you? Serious question.

 

Her dad suffers from memory loss, so did mine and almost caused a fire in his home while he was asleep (see previous post).

 

Can you think of the situation as only temporary? Eventually, if he does develop full on Alzheimer's, he may need to be placed in a care facility to be cared for full time.

 

Do you love this girl? It does seem like she loves you but is between a rock and hard place right now.

 

And why are you presuming if she moves in with dad, the RL will only be one-sided, with you doing all the work? Isn't that jumping the gun a bit?

 

No disrespect but you sound needy and a bit selfish to me.

We were going to create a home together for us and our children; sort of like the Brady Bunch. We found in each other someone who shared particular interests which are uncommon for our area.

Her father is working full time and running his household, and other than having a couple of short term memory space outs which are normal for most people, he is not exhibiting any symptoms. She transferred her kids to the local school, and in just under two months, wants to transfer them to yet another school right when they settled in to this one and made new friends. I find it to be irresponsible, to be honest.

Moving out and into his house full time is extreme. Before any of this began, I told her that we should invite her dad over for dinner once or twice a week. When she mentioned Alzheimer's, I said that I know it will become difficult, and that as her fiance/husband (given timeframes,) I would help her to take care of him. She is also disabled, and will not be able to take care of him on her own, down the road. In fact, I am the primary caretaker of her children on many mornings because of her illnesses; one of which prevents her from driving.

My compromise was that rather than her move in full time a town away, that we would spend every other week at his house when my kids were at their mom's, and that we would visit often on the other weeks, giving us time to continue to build our relationship and make a home for our kids.

I think that I am being fair.

If I stay with her, but she lives in the next town full time, then I have to maintain a home/ life for my kids separate from her and her kids. I will have to drive constantly and juggle time, while trying not to let the ridiculousness of the situation get to me. It will be difficult to finish my degree, work on the business, amd the other projects I am working on to supplement or even replace my disability income.

If I demanded her to stay, I would be one-sided. Her unwillingness to work with me on this raises red flags and makes her one-sided. If she can't meet me in the middle on such a major thing, then I have to wonder what else is in store if I decided to let this become a part time relationship.

The situation isn’t ridiculous. Her dad has Alzheimer’s.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable.

How long have you been dating?

Curious also how long you've been dating, and how long you were dating before you moved in.

I feel for you, OP, as it's clear you're hurting. That said, from this vantage point I'm seeing someone worried about her father—and, hey, maybe worried the Brady Bunch thing was moving a tad fast. I know your vision of the future has taken a ding, but what about trying to see that maybe she has one as well that is also about the two of you?

As katrina said, this sounds temporary. If you can maybe come to see it like that, you might not be so anxious.

I get this is difficult for you but at the same time it seems you are viewing things as catastrophic when in reality they may not be.

Take a deep breath and a step back and reconsider.

I find it telling that when you are sharing her sense of obligation to her dad, you are at the same time throwing in past history of having been cheated on by someone else.

I get that our past experiences influence our current thinking sometimes, but it really sounds like you are about to act out of fear and not reality.

No doubt its disappointing to have her leave. Honor that disappointment and put it in it's right place.

Resist doing some sort of preemptive strike. Especially for someone who's going out of their way to reassure you.

We have been friends for three years with some major attraction between us. It wasn't our time during this period.

We began talking a lot, and this went on for two months or so. The lind of talking that happens in the beginning of a romantic relationship. We already had love for each other, though we began falling in love during this period.

We ended up sleeping together, and saw each other when we could. She stayed at my house a few times. I stayed with her at her dad's. She lived 1.5 hours away during this period.

She began a slow move-in. We did many things together. We joked about skipping steps when we went grocery shopping and I gave a couple rides to appointments. We talked about our past experiences and our ages and understanding that we knew what we wanted.

The decision to move into her dad's was abrupt; out of the blue. There is no diagnosis of Alzheimer's in her dad. It is her FEAR that he has it.

My issue is the lack of compromise, and a lack of communication from her. It is as though she has this ideal that vague uncertainties are going to turn out to be fine.

I am not going to straight up leave her if she moves into her dad's full time. However, I know myself, amd I have witnessed how these situations go. As this goes on, we are going to drift apart. I have children, and I want things out of life that are going to be harder to get while disabled. She knows this, being disabled herself. She will have free room and board living at her dad's, and I will be living as a.single father for the most part. I don't think that some of you are seeing this aspect of the scenario.

If her dad had a diagnosis amd couldn't take care of himself, this would be a lot different. However, he is working fulltime, managing his house, paying his bills, and driving to far off places. I understand her fear, just as some of you understand mine. Though moving fulltime into her dad's because he forgot an appointment and who was paying for dinner is jumping the gun. If I don't use my calendar, I will not remember half of my appountments, and neither will she since we use the same calendar to manage our lives.

The situation isn’t ridiculous. Her dad has Alzheimer’s.

 

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable.

No, he does not. OP clarified that he has not been diagnosed with anything, but rather that he is at an increased risk in the future as he does have the genetic profile for it.

You are going through EXACTLY the same thing i sent through. She was supposed to live with me for one week, then stay at her mums for a week and so on. But she then decided she didn't want to. We were planning on buying a house together within the next year or 2, but this was a major red flag to me that she couldn't even live with me for a week on and off. I broke up with her because i didn't feel like she was 100% committed to me or the relationship.

EDIT:

I didn't read the other comments, just realised there is another factor (her fathers illness) so i guess its not exactly the same.

Sorry, there’s a lot going on (and OP doesn’t clearly answer questions either)

My answer doesn’t change. Sounds like you’ve only been together a few months?

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she is making the best choice for herself, her kids, and her family. She can help and be there for her father as well as save and put more money toward her and her children's future. This may be a wiser choice for than contributing to your house without being on the deed or married.

It doesn't sound like cheating whatsoever. She's disabled, doesn't drive and moved in with her father. It sounds more like living with you didn't work out for her on many levels. Keep in mind moving out is moving away from a relationship not toward a future. Give her ring back.

She lived at her father's before she briefly lived with you and perhaps she can not afford that or deal with both your disability and her father's needs in addition to being disabled herself. If you insist on a live-in partner for whatever reason, it doesn't sound like this will work out for you.

I myself am on disability due to an accident, and I don't bring in very much money. She is disabled herself. She will have free room and board living at her dad's

She wants me to be with her at her dad's when I can, and visit with me sometimes at the house I will be working on by myself.

She tells me she still wants to marry me someday. She assures me that she loves me. She is refusing to let me go, and trying to get me to be fine with her living at her dad's under these conditions.

I told her that she probably shouldn't have filled out change of address cards amd transfer her kids into the local school.

Also, things are relatively stress free here and we rarely fight. Quality of life at her dad's will be far less, and stress levels will be very high.

My disability doesn't prevent me from caring for her or our kids, and with our combined resources, we are fine.

I think there are other thongs going on, and I will not be the only one working on the relationship.

EDIT: Yes, it has been only a few months. However, it is irrelevant. Our relationship was inevitable, and she doesn't want us to split up, per se.

Unfortunately she has a mind of her own regarding her kids, her father, her living arrangements and her money/resources. It sounds like a win-win situation for her, her kids, her father, her finances all the way around. She can live with the father and save money instead of paying toward your house as a live-in gf.

Sadly it leaves you on your own. How does her moving out represent you being "the only one working on the relationship"? How was it prior to her moving in? If you do not want yo wait for her to sort out and take care of all this with her family, finances,etc. perhaps it's time to go separate ways and find a more compatible match.

I told her that she probably shouldn't have filled out change of address cards amd transfer her kids into the local school. My disability doesn't prevent me from caring for her or our kids, and with our combined resources, we are fine.

Unfortunately she has a mind of her own regarding her kids, her father, her living arrangements and her money/resources. It sounds like a win-win situation for her, her kids, her father, her finances all the way around. She can live with the father and save money instead of paying toward your house as a live-in gf.

 

Sadly it leaves you on your own. How does her moving out represent you being "the only one working on the relationship"? How was it prior to her moving in? If you do not want yo wait for her to sort out and take care of all this with her family, finances,etc. perhaps it's time to go separate ways and find a more compatible match.

Because she will expect me to adhere to her schedule and prepare things on my end for if and when she decides to move back in. I will have to modify my schedule around her whims.

It might be okay for some people to tolerate broken promises and commitments, but I have a severe issue with that. Either my partner is a partner, or become single.

I agree that I may habe to give her back the ring, and probably go NC. I more than likely focus on my own kids and my goals as a single father, and worry about finding a compatible match down the road.

Her vagueness, and back tracking after what has been done amd said between us has left my trust and security in our relationship to feel compromised.

Forgive me if I sound insensitive, OP, but here's one read on things:

Things, up to this point, have been very, very easy—for you. That simmering attraction could finally be explored, the simmering love could be turned up, that "inevitable" relationship realized. There was ease, sex, even a move in without ever even having to have a conversation about moving in. It all just kind of...happened. The Brady Bunch bowtie in just a couple of months.

Great. That's beautiful. And that's real—real then, real now.

But also real? That both of you remain complex human beings with complex lives—and that's beautiful, too. For her that means a moment of feeling unsettled—her kids, her father, maybe even the speed at which you guys ended up living together without really talking about things; she seems to just need a moment to feel her own two feet on the ground.

And instead of seeing that moment as being about her, her life, her needs, you're viewing it as a kind of attack, verdict, and broken promise. To me that's a bit selfish, and not what partnership is really about. Partnership is about listening to your partner, their needs, trying to adapt, and extending compassion for their needs even when they don't line up, perfectly, with your own—a kind of two way conversation that is forever. She is telling you she loves you and wants to be with you—so what's a little record scratch in the Brady Bunch soundtrack, you know?

Also, you're saying, as if you see the future, that you "will have to modify my schedule around her whims." One, that's pretty patronizing, given that her "whims" are raising kids and looking out for her father. Two, it sounds like up to this point everything has naturally just been about your whims.

I get that this is a blow to the fairytale, but whether you want to make it the blow or a little bruise is kind of up to you.

Again, sorry for your pain, and you know what's best for you.

Forgive me if I sound insensitive, OP, but here's one read on things:

 

Things, up to this point, have been very, very easy—for you. That simmering attraction could finally be explored, the simmering love could be turned up, that "inevitable" relationship realized. There was ease, sex, even a move in without ever even having to have a conversation about moving in. It all just kind of...happened. The Brady Bunch bowtie in just a couple of months.

 

Great. That's beautiful. And that's real—real then, real now.

 

But also real? That both of you remain complex human beings with complex lives—and that's beautiful, too. For her that means a moment of feeling unsettled—her kids, her father, maybe even the speed at which you guys ended up living together without really talking about things; she seems to just need a moment to feel her own two feet on the ground.

 

And instead of seeing that moment as being about her, her life, her needs, you're viewing it as a kind of attack, verdict, and broken promise. To me that's a bit selfish, and not what partnership is really about. Partnership is about listening to your partner, their needs, trying to adapt, and extending compassion for their needs even when they don't line up, perfectly, with your own—a kind of two way conversation that is forever. She is telling you she loves you and wants to be with you—so what's a little record scratch in the Brady Bunch soundtrack, you know?

 

Also, you're saying, as if you see the future, that you "will have to modify my schedule around her whims." One, that's pretty patronizing, given that her "whims" are raising kids and looking out for her father. Two, it sounds like up to this point everything has naturally just been about your whims.

 

I get that this is a blow to the fairytale, but whether you want to make it the blow or a little bruise is kind of up to you.

 

Again, sorry for your pain, and you know what's best for you.

Easy for me? I think that you are forgetting that all I am asking for is a compromise on the situation. I am not demanding that she not stay at her dad's. I am asking that she works with me on this.

I say her whims because she is the one who moved in and brought up marriage and everything else. She filled out change of address forms - on her own. She acquired paperwork to make us each have power of attorney and for other long term relationship commitment matters. Our relationship moved at HER pace, and the decision to move out was out of the blue.

If she wants to move out, of course she can do that. However, I need more than spending four nights sith with her and a.coupel of random visits A MONTH. If that makes me selfish after all that she and I have had and been through up until this point, then so be it. She giveth amd taketh away. The situation is basically that of I want to continue our relationship in any capacity, it os on her terms and her terms alone.

As far as I am concerned, that us selfish and one-sided. If I agree to what she wants, she gets ALL that she wants, while I have to suck it up.

Do you really think that any relationship which lacks in compromise is a healthy one? I don't. There has to be some give and take on both sides.