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Am I being unfair to my father?


AKid

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Okay, so this is my first time actually discussing my issues but I have to get this one off my chest, thanks for listening(or rather, reading:smug:).

 

Mum divorced dad when I was little though he would come over all the time and help her out. We'd do “STUFF“ TOGETHER but I can't recall a single happy memory because he would always be focused on something/someone else. I felt his incompetence first when I was young - he'd forget about me when I was in kindergarten, came back after a school trip so there were a couple of instances when I had to stand around until somebody noticed I was missing or the teacher could get in contact with one of my relatives, one time in the cold and until dusk. He wasn't strict or did anything bad that I knew of at the time(Touchy subject, I'd call it an illegal mental illness, didn't affect me but it's AWFUL to know your father's into that kind of stuff). He was always a weird, feminine, uncleanly, phlegmatic guy with low emotional intelligence and poor social skills. He still hasn't achieved anything in his life due to his inability to take chances and or attempt new things, commit to learning something(Has no car, rents a flat, works a low paying, low skill requirement job(even though he has a degree)). Whenever I did meet up with him, the conversation's always about something he saw in a movie, some dumb gag, etc. He hasn't taught me anything, the only reason I’m a functioning man is due to a couple great friends and my awesome grandfather(bless that amazing man), who I’ve always thought of as my true father. So now, after a couple years or so of me distancing myself and barely any contact, he suddenly decides to start messaging, calling me, showing up at my door unannounced and always looks upset when I turn him down(I did give him a few chances but he hasn't changed a bit, I can't fake how I feel around him for long). I haven't told him how I actually feel and I can't because I know that would destroy him. I feel bad because he’s not a bad man in heart but I feel that he has failed me as a father and I cannot forgive him for that. Am I in the wrong here? What should I do?

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He didn't teach you directly, but sounds like you have learned some major things about life, and what you value, because of him.

 

We tend to have ideal expectations of our parents and family members, but it's rare that people live up to them. It's also common, I think, to go through a phase of feeling let down by parents. Being aware of those feelings have a certain value, because it shows you something about yourself, about needs you can acknowledge in your adult life and take steps to meet them yourself now that you are an adult. Do you really need a father to teach you things NOW? I have a niece in her 30s and I see my brother continually "teaching" her to "be a better person", which seems disrespectful of her since she is an adult and he is actually correcting her when it is no longer his responsibility. There is a certain freedom in your relationship with your father. You don't have to be close, but maybe you can (bit-by-bit) forgive him for not living up to your expectations.

 

One thing he may have taught you by default: it is rather easy to create a child, but raising one is a different matter. Take precautions!

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Credit yourself for being observant enough to figure out that Dad has never been a star, and decide what you get out of holding a grudge against him. As adults we can either accept the shift gracefully or not for growing into the adult who owns the power to overcome our lousy upbringing and demo the degree of generosity we've developed on our own, OR we can opt instead to withhold our best selves from those we wish to punish.

 

The problem with withholding is that we never learn the benefits of demonstrating, even to ourselves, that we've grown beyond the limits of the person we judge as failing us. At that point, those limitations become our own choice rather than anything imposed by anyone else.

 

Head high, and choose wisely. You will thank yourself later.

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