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Feeling like I need to let my hair down.


thornz

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For the last few years (especially since my break up 1.5yrs ago) I’ve been feeling increasingly boring, frumpy and like I am very serious compared to how I was when younger. I used to feel sexy and be flirtatious, now I avoid that kind of interaction even with my good friends. My friends recently have expressed concerns that I’m not myself. I’ve been feeling down at work and feeling disconnected from others.

 

I used to be a little wild and impulsive and loud but that would exacerbate my anxiety, if I spent too much or worried that I had been too exuberant so I dampened it, I wanted to feel stable. Now I feel stable but miserable. I can remember the last time I enjoyed myself but I really can’t recall the last time I had fun. I think I’ve forhotten. My good friends have had children and partying doesn’t appeal anymore. I need to get my mojo back, but how? I have been so focussed on self improvement and making sure I stay safe and stable without setting off my anxiety, I think I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I almost feel like I darent let loose in case I go overboard and that sends me off the rails.

 

Any suggestions? What can I do to just let go and find my old self?

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I know this may sound... impulsive? Trashy? But have you tried dating sites? When I got divorced, I joined a dating site. I went on a few dates with amazing people. It was so fun and a great way to meet new people. You could also try workout classes, cooking classes, or any group activity that your city might offer.

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I know this may sound... impulsive? Trashy? But have you tried dating sites? When I got divorced, I joined a dating site. I went on a few dates with amazing people. It was so fun and a great way to meet new people. You could also try workout classes, cooking classes, or any group activity that your city might offer.

 

Hi Meg, I do keep trying dating sites but tbh I just don’t find meeting people off the internet fun or exciting. The last meeting I had with someone from a dating site made me feel physically sick lol. I have made a few friends on there though and I have arranged to go for cocktails with one friend and be her wingman and (attempt to) flirt. I have also suggested speed dating to her as well. Might have a go at that.

 

I do a the occasional group or social activity and yes they are enjoyable but I wouldn’t describe them as fun. I just want to be a little wild and spontaneous but I don’t really have many friends locally and the ones I do have are relatively new and don’t have much spare time. Maybe I ought to see if they have a wild side?

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For some reason, this is a tough question to answer.

 

Why/how did you start getting uptight? Are you deliberately doing the opposite of what you want to do?

 

It started because I was sick of being treated like rubbish by men and also exacerbating my anxiety with impulsive and wreckless behaviour. Some of it is deliberate i.e not spending lots money on loads of lingerie, sexy clothes, make up, cars, new hobbies I will get bored of after 2 weeks, not driving fast, trying to behave sensible, doing my coursework, not drinking, not kissing strangers.

 

Some of it has developed over years of being socially isolated and allowing myself to be treated badly, I feel self conscious and awkward, even around good friends sometimes, I’ve lost the good feelings that occur due to romantic or sexual interaction, in fact my response to that kind of attention is predominantly negative, due to this I can’t flirt, I used to absolutely buzz off social interaction and flirtatious behaviour and now I find it hard work or even makes me feel ill.

 

So, yes I feel more stable, my behaviour is responsible but I just feel like something is severely lacking. I don’t feel alive!!! I feel like I’m just cruising through life with no excitement really. I do often try things that push my boundaries but it’s usually stuff I find scary more than exciting for example bouldering or scrambling. I have a terrible fear of heights. Man. I just feel bored but it’s not for lack of getting out there and trying new things.

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Buy a jersey for a local sports team and either attend a game or go watch at a sports bar. If you want to meet men I guarantee you will. Or go to car shows.

 

If you want to do something adventurous take acting or public speaking classes or go zip lining or take a racing car lesson.

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Buy a jersey for a local sports team and either attend a game or go watch at a sports bar. If you want to meet men I guarantee you will. Or go to car shows.

 

If you want to do something adventurous take acting or public speaking classes or go zip lining or take a racing car lesson.

 

Got zero issues meeting men, I Marshall and compete in plenty of car events as well as attending car shows and being a member of a motor club. Pretty much all of my interests are male dominated, as is my job.

 

Acting and public speaking are not my idea of fun and I’m terrified of heights so the zip line is a no go. I would love to do something like a drifting lesson or a track day because I do the road rally stuff that means you have to be sensible ☹️

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Some of it has developed over years of being socially isolated and allowing myself to be treated badly, I feel self conscious and awkward, even around good friends sometimes, I’ve lost the good feelings that occur due to romantic or sexual interaction, in fact my response to that kind of attention is predominantly negative, due to this I can’t flirt, I used to absolutely buzz off social interaction and flirtatious behaviour and now I find it hard work or even makes me feel ill.

 

Do you think it is possible that when you were behaving impulsively and recklessly in the past, you did it to cope with these feelings of isolation, self consciousness, and awkwardness?

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It started because I was sick of being treated like rubbish by men and also exacerbating my anxiety with impulsive and wreckless behaviour. Some of it is deliberate i.e not spending lots money on loads of lingerie, sexy clothes, make up, cars, new hobbies I will get bored of after 2 weeks, not driving fast, trying to behave sensible, doing my coursework, not drinking, not kissing strangers.

 

Some of it has developed over years of being socially isolated and allowing myself to be treated badly, I feel self conscious and awkward, even around good friends sometimes, I’ve lost the good feelings that occur due to romantic or sexual interaction, in fact my response to that kind of attention is predominantly negative, due to this I can’t flirt, I used to absolutely buzz off social interaction and flirtatious behaviour and now I find it hard work or even makes me feel ill.

 

So, yes I feel more stable, my behaviour is responsible but I just feel like something is severely lacking. I don’t feel alive!!! I feel like I’m just cruising through life with no excitement really. I do often try things that push my boundaries but it’s usually stuff I find scary more than exciting for example bouldering or scrambling. I have a terrible fear of heights. Man. I just feel bored but it’s not for lack of getting out there and trying new things.

 

I understand you so much. I used to be wild WAAAAAYYY more spontaneous, flirty, and I crave feeling sexy again. I worked odd jobs like I worked for a landscaping company, as a waitress at a diner, and as a bartender. I love trying new things and meeting people that are risky and are just down for whatever...however, I think that being wild and spontaneous was a way of dealing with my weirdness, loneliness, and feelings of isolation.

 

At one point in my life, I got “tired” and felt I was “too much” but now I feel deprived. I think either way being more settled or wild there needs to be balance. Like safety and stability is cool but it’s okay to let loose and do you really want to do [emoji57][emoji57]

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I get the sense you don’t actually want specific suggestions that you have to implement but rather want someone to tell you Of some passive magic wand way to feel more excitement even though you’re not actually doing things to get out of your comfort zone. One of my friends joined toastmasters to get over her fear of public speaking. Takes a lot of effort but she is blossoming. Another runs marathons.

For me I find when I shake up my routine some it energizes me like I am doing next week by volunteering at a time that isn’t too convenient for me and involves some juggling to make it work. But I don’t let myself get stuck in a rut and make excuses.

Rather than contemplating your navel and getting all abstract about why you feel a certain way stop among excuses and fake it till you make it. Take action and the feelings will follow. Sort of like when you force yourself to start a workout because you know once you start moving you’ll get into it.

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Is this from the stabilizing effect of the medication for the bipolar disorder? Many people complain of feeling "flat" when the mood stabilizers help them maintain more even keeled lives without the crazy ups and downs.

 

They miss the energy, reckless abandon and hedonism of manic episodes. That's often when they abandon treatment...very similar to the "flat" state you are in now missing "the excitement". Make sure you discuss this with the therapist and your doctor. It could be a prodrome to another episode of mood swings.

I feel more stable, my behaviour is responsible but I just feel like something is severely lacking. I don’t feel alive!!! I feel like I’m just cruising through life with no excitement really.
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Do you think it is possible that when you were behaving impulsively and recklessly in the past, you did it to cope with these feelings of isolation, self consciousness, and awkwardness?

 

Ooohhhh Jibralta! These are very good questions! I was most impulsive and wreckless when I was a teenager and then I had an active social life, lots of friends/aquaintamces and was forward and outgoing. I never really felt connected though, i just always had lots to do and people to see.

 

I think my wreckless behaviour was to cope with my erratic moods.

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I understand you so much. I used to be wild WAAAAAYYY more spontaneous, flirty, and I crave feeling sexy again. I worked odd jobs like I worked for a landscaping company, as a waitress at a diner, and as a bartender. I love trying new things and meeting people that are risky and are just down for whatever...however, I think that being wild and spontaneous was a way of dealing with my weirdness, loneliness, and feelings of isolation.

 

At one point in my life, I got “tired” and felt I was “too much” but now I feel deprived. I think either way being more settled or wild there needs to be balance. Like safety and stability is cool but it’s okay to let loose and do you really want to do [emoji57][emoji57]

 

Yes I’m looking for balance, that’s why I asked for suggestions as most of the stuff I can think of is, well just not very smart. I have no idea what kind of spontaneous fun you can have that’s not going to end up in jail or hospital lol

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I get the sense you don’t actually want specific suggestions that you have to implement but rather want someone to tell you Of some passive magic wand way to feel more excitement even though you’re not actually doing things to get out of your comfort zone. One of my friends joined toastmasters to get over her fear of public speaking. Takes a lot of effort but she is blossoming. Another runs marathons.

For me I find when I shake up my routine some it energizes me like I am doing next week by volunteering at a time that isn’t too convenient for me and involves some juggling to make it work. But I don’t let myself get stuck in a rut and make excuses.

Rather than contemplating your navel and getting all abstract about why you feel a certain way stop among excuses and fake it till you make it. Take action and the feelings will follow. Sort of like when you force yourself to start a workout because you know once you start moving you’ll get into it.

 

Quite the opposite actually, I do many things that challenge me and get me out of my comfort zone. I don’t find it invigorating though, it’s exhausting and I need some things to do, just for fun. No agenda, no trying to improve myself or get over my fears or grow. I do enough of that crap and I’m bored of it.

 

I want to just go and do something fun with people who want to have a good time, for no real reason. So far the few things I’ve come up with that aren’t illegal or dangerous are too expensive or clash with my current schedule. I’m going out with a new friend next Saturday, time to get drunk and let off some steam!

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Is this from the stabilizing effect of the medication for the bipolar disorder? Many people complain of feeling "flat" when the mood stabilizers help them maintain more even keeled lives without the crazy ups and downs.

 

They miss the energy, reckless abandon and hedonism of manic episodes. That's often when they abandon treatment...very similar to the "flat" state you are in now missing "the excitement". Make sure you discuss this with the therapist and your doctor. It could be a prodrome to another episode of mood swings.

 

I’ve been off medication for a while but unlike previous times I’ve come off it, there hasn’t been a return to my old self. The meds make me feel like a zombie, there are no highs or lows, just monotony, which is nice in a way and comfortable but I do need some excitement. I don’t think have bipolar disorder, I think I have BPD and my therapist has recommended I be assessed for ASD and Dissociation something or other.

 

I do feel flat and I do miss the highs but I know they worsen the lows. I discussed this with my therapist last night and we concluded I’m feeling this way due to suppressing my true self and aspects of my personality in order to remain stable and to feel more secure in my job or in my relationships etc.

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Quite the opposite actually, I do many things that challenge me and get me out of my comfort zone. I don’t find it invigorating though, it’s exhausting and I need some things to do, just for fun. No agenda, no trying to improve myself or get over my fears or grow. I do enough of that crap and I’m bored of it.

 

I want to just go and do something fun with people who want to have a good time, for no real reason. So far the few things I’ve come up with that aren’t illegal or dangerous are too expensive or clash with my current schedule. I’m going out with a new friend next Saturday, time to get drunk and let off some steam!

 

So it kind of begs the question -what do you find fun? And forgive me -your question was very broad and then followed by explaining why most of the suggestions given would not work for you. If something clashes with your current schedule I'd reconsider your current schedule if you need to let your hair down as you say. Have fun getting drunk. I think that will do the opposite of what you say you want but likely will be fun in the moment!

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So it kind of begs the question -what do you find fun? And forgive me -your question was very broad and then followed by explaining why most of the suggestions given would not work for you. If something clashes with your current schedule I'd reconsider your current schedule if you need to let your hair down as you say. Have fun getting drunk. I think that will do the opposite of what you say you want but likely will be fun in the moment!

 

That’s the problem, beyond the wreckless behaviour of my youth and being wild with friends, I’m really not too sure. I’m looking for healthier more responsible outlets.

 

I am feeling a bit better today after listening to some of my favourite old music, putting on makeup and having a bit of retail therapy.

 

I used to be crude and flirtatious and that would give me so much joy but I packed that in cos people tend to not be able to distinguish that much of what I say is a joke. I’m just so serious and boring now.

 

My schedule can’t be changed, Tuesdays are uni tutorials and Thursdays are therapy. Not willing to miss either of those. Those are the next two pole dancing beginner courses so I will have to wait til the next one and hope it’s on a better day for me. I really think that will be fun and hopefully I’ll make some friends too.

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That’s the problem, beyond the wreckless behaviour of my youth and being wild with friends, I’m really not too sure. I’m looking for healthier more responsible outlets.

 

I am feeling a bit better today after listening to some of my favourite old music, putting on makeup and having a bit of retail therapy.

 

I used to be crude and flirtatious and that would give me so much joy but I packed that in cos people tend to not be able to distinguish that much of what I say is a joke. I’m just so serious and boring now.

 

My schedule can’t be changed, Tuesdays are uni tutorials and Thursdays are therapy. Not willing to miss either of those. Those are the next two pole dancing beginner courses so I will have to wait til the next one and hope it’s on a better day for me. I really think that will be fun and hopefully I’ll make some friends too.

 

I really like that you went back to basics to have fun -makeup and retail therapy!

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I really like that you went back to basics to have fun -makeup and retail therapy!

 

It helped! I bought clothes that I feel sexy in for work and going out. I went to a rave on Saturday night, last minute spur of the moment thing, then went wild swimming in a local reservoir!

 

Definitely not feeling so boring now. I am feeling better and I think it is showing. Somebody told me I was very bubbly and someone else asked if I wanted to get intimate. IÂ’ve been feeling less flat and inhibited. I have booked that pole dancing course for Mondays beginning in November and will be going to a theme park too.

 

I think I need to find the balance where I can be sensible and take care of myself and be taken seriously at work and by potential dates in the future. I went to sleep early on Sunday night because I had little sleep on Saturday and was very conscious to be gentle with myself and eat well, since little sleep heightens my vulnerability. That seems like a good compromise. Go “wild” but donÂ’t let it snowball into wreckless behaviour and compromising my mental health. Just occasionally dip my toe into the murky sess pool of wanton abandon. Harder to drown that way 🤣

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  • 8 months later...
Yes I’m looking for balance, that’s why I asked for suggestions as most of the stuff I can think of is, well just not very smart. I have no idea what kind of spontaneous fun you can have that’s not going to end up in jail or hospital lol

 

[emoji23] restrict yourself from illegal activities, set a curfew.....you can live freely w/o becoming a criminal dude

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