I need advice on this guy...

So I have met this guy on Facebook in August. (I’m a gay man) He sent me a message saying that I am beautiful and that he didn’t expect me to respond. I responded and we started talking. He lives two hours away and we met halfway for our first date. I felt a connection between him and we went on more dates. A lot of the dates involved alcohol and I am not a big drinker so i just went with it.

He told me that he thinks long term and could see himself with me for a long time and that i am perfect for him and he has strong feelings for me and it scares him. He subtly used the L word but it was all over text and wasnt actually spelled out. i.e I heart you, and videos him lipping it. He said it almost slipped out a few times. Shortly after a few dates he just said to me, “I guess we are together huh?” and I said yes. He got out of a relationship in December and he keeps mentioning his exes name. I am quiet and reserved and he is chatty and lively. I asked him if my quietness bothered him and he said it didn’t and likes that I’m quiet. We would video chat and call each other all the time. He posted a picture of me and him together as his profile pic and shortly after his ex unfriended him on Facebook as he told me. He has told people in front of me that He upgraded his boyfriend. He was telling everyone about me. I met some of his friends and family. There have been times where he has gotten in a bad mood and just shut downs on me. I try talking about stuff and he just ignores it or dismisses it. He would also call me names and say that he is just joking. The the next day everything is fine in his eyes. He seems to have a lot of anger issues and has gotten in fights with his ex in the past which is why they ended their relationship. There have been times where we would accuse me of talking to other guys when i wasnt. Even when we first started talking he was asking me if I was still talking to other guys. My friend Drew messaged me and he saw it and got upset that’s I didn’t open the message. He shut down for the rest of the night and said nothing is wrong when I knew there was, then the next morning he let it all out and said he was suspicious. He also told me before that if he got concerned he would ask to go through my phone.

This past weekend, I spent time with him and after I got home, he said that we needed to talk, So we video chatted and he said “I am not breaking up with you, but I feel like something missing.” I asked him what it was and he said he wasn’t sure. He said maybe because I am not like the rest and he’s not used to it. He also said he feels like i am too guarded and not open with him. He said he cares about me so much and he never wants to hurt me, he just has to figure some things out but he will still talk to me. (He is going to Vegas with his friend for his birthday, I was supposed to go see him Tuesday but he cancelled after he told me that stuff). He said that whatever he decides that he still wants to be friends and we can hang out. He is still video chatting and calling me like usual. Still calling me babe here and there. I know this is a lot and there is so much more but it’s all so confusing. Can anyone give me some insight?

Honestly, he sounds like a walking personality disorder of some kind. He is volatile, impulsive, up and down, verbally abusive with you and it sounds like he was physically violent as well, if I'm reading your post correctly. His approach to you was also consistent with trouble - a lot of flattery early followed by put downs, kind of a whirlwind where one one moment he is putting you on a pedestal, bragging to friends and family about you and the next accusing of cheating and telling you he doesn't feel connected. Also, beware of anyone who accuses you of cheating or demands to go through your phone - oldest cheater ploy in the book. They fear that you'll do to them what they'll do to you and the best defense is a good offense. While you are busy trying to prove to him that you aren't cheating, you aren't looking at what he is doing behind your back.

Ultimately, you don't try to figure these kinds of people out or fix them, you really just walk away from them as quickly as you can. Since he quasi dumped you, I'd just run with that and run straight for the hills. Use this as your ticket out of a very messy situation. You deserve a healthier relationship than this. The longer you stay trying to sort him out, the more you'll end up losing your own sanity.

I know what you mean about the cheating part. I have had the suspicion that it was projection or some sort of transferrance. He told me today that his mom asked about me when he took her to the airport and they got to talking about me. He said it was all good things, but when I asked him what was said he wouldn’t tell me. It makes me wonder.

The problem is that people like him are simply toxic and getting involved with one is going to be a roller coaster ride that never ends and invariably a mind fck that ultimately destroys your self worth and self esteem. So I still urge you to run for the hills and stay far far away from people like that. You sound very sensible so don't stay in a toxic relationship and allow it to destroy your sensibilities. In this case, I'd become very very boring to him and slowly fade out or rather as quickly as possible.

Relationships like that is a bit like taking a small dose of poison every day. It won't hurt you today or tomorrow or even a month from now. However, eventually, the poison will get to you and once it does, healing yourself and getting out becomes incredibly difficult and the damage is lasting. Don't do that to yourself.