Boyfriend has 2 kids, doesn't want more, knows I do.

[kas88]

Hi there.

So here is my situation. I am 29 years old, and recently divorced. My ex husband and I had fertility and adoption issues, and a lot of resentment. I know already that it may be a struggle for me to have my own children. Fast forward to now, I've been seeing a 33 year old guy for about 5 months, who is wonderful. He has two children of his own already and is very involved in coparenting with his ex. He's a wonderful father, and I admire it about him so very much. He knows about my fertility issues in my previous marriage, he knows about my failed adoption, and how resentment ruined my marriage. He also doesn't want me to meet his children for at least a year, and has already expressed he doesn't want more children. He has copped out and said things like "I wish I had my babies with you" or "I know I'm with the woman I'd want to have more children with if I changed my mind" I feel completely powerless in this area of our relationship.

I love this man, in ever area of our relationship outside of this issue (a very large issue) he is exactly what I need. I'm worried the more I fall, the more I will resent him, and I've expressed this many times. I also worry that this is my only shot at a family, if even just as a step mother figure, eventually. So do I hold on knowing I will never have all that I want, in the fear that it's all I can have, or do I move on, walk away from a man I am so enthralled with, in the hopes that I can find someone who does want a family with me? I'm not someone who needs to have "my own" children in a biological sense, I wouldn't have tried adoption if that were true, but I don't like the idea that if things were to not work out, these children that I love will be taken away from me, and there's nothing I can do about it, because they're not "mine" I have so much love to give, and I feel like I'm in limbo and I can't make any choices if I stay in this relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you're not ready to date if you are carrying all this resentment forward into this dating situation. It sounds like you are incompatible. It sounds as though you've already warned him that you resent him so this may run it's course.

Perhaps take it slowly and decide if you want to continue or find a guy who wants more kids. Have you considered working through your motherhood, family and infertility issues with a therapist to help you navigate and decide?

-I am 29 years old, and recently divorced.
-I've been seeing a 33 year old guy for about 5 months.
-He knows about my fertility issues in my previous marriage, he knows about my failed adoption, and how resentment ruined my marriage.
-he doesn't want more children.
-I'm worried the more I fall, the more I will resent him and I've expressed this many times.
-I hold on knowing I will never have all that I want
-the hopes that I can find someone who does want a family with me?

[Andrina]

No matter how great everything else is, when two people have opposite major goals, you shouldn't go any further. You're recently divorced and met someone great right away, so it can happen again with someone who matches you in all of the major ways. And yes, you're right to worry about losing stepchildren if the relationship ends, because the statistics don't lie:

"Past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. What are the reasons for this progressive increase in divorce rates? Theories abound. One common explanation is that a significant number of people enter a second or marriage 'on the rebound' of a first or second divorce. Often the people concerned are vulnerable; they do not allow sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again. They enter their next marriage for the wrong reasons, not having internalized the lessons of their past experience. They are liable to repeat their mistakes, making them susceptible to similar conflicts and another broken marriage follows."

My advice? Break up with the wonderful man who isn't compatible with your life goals. If you didn't give yourself a year to heal from your divorce, be solo for a while, and now you'll also be mourning the end of this relationship as well. Life isn't about settling, as there are no do-overs. Take care.

[RedDress]

I think you should break up.

Kids are important to you. So much so that it was a factor in your divorce. I totally ‘get’ that kids and family are sometimes ‘chosen’ (there is a ton of adoption in my family and they are every bit as loved)... but there are really no guarantees with this guy and his kids. You could spend years with him, break up, and then lost both your opportunity to have kids and your connection to his kids.

You are young. Children are still a possibility for you. He does not want more kids.

... but also, beyond that, others will disagree but I do raise my eyebrows a little at wanting to wait a year to introduce you. It’s really important not to introduce your kids to everyone (they get attached)... but at about 6 months in or so, he (you both) should have a good idea if he wants the relationship to be long-term. And really, what if you don’t like his kids? Or they don’t like you? It happens. And it’s kind of a big deal.

I don’t think you have the same goals and I do question a little his commitment to the relationship.

I think you should move on. He’s great... but I don’t think he’s the right match for you.

[Batya33]

Completely agree with Red Dress. I didn't get to be a mom till I was 42 and I never dated anyone who didn't 110% want a family. Complete dealbreaker. This is really important to you -please don't discount that.

I have one friend who met her husband while his wife was dying (they were classmates). After his wife passed away, he asked her out. But he already had 4 kids and was in his 50s and didn't want more. She was divorced, no kids, 40-ish and knew she wanted kids. So she told him nicely she really was into him and wouldn't date him if that was his stance. He changed his mind, they've been married several years and have twins (I suspect IVF but not sure so he also went through that with her). You can tell him this and see if in the future he changes his mind and really, really wants more children but I would end things right now. Especially since you've already had fertility/adoption issues.

[Hollyj]

You have only been dating this guy for 5 months. You need to slow your roll.

He does not want kids; therefore, you are not compatible.

You are only 29. Do not settle. Find a man that wants the same things.

Also, it is too early to be in a serious relationship after your divorce. Stop jumping from man to man.

[MissCanuck]

My advice? Break up with the wonderful man who isn't compatible with your life goals. If you didn't give yourself a year to heal from your divorce, be solo for a while, and now you'll also be mourning the end of this relationship as well. Life isn't about settling, as there are no do-overs. Take care.

I agree.

You are already resentful at just 5 months in, and believing that he is feeding you "cop-outs" (which I don't agree with; I think he is being honest, actually, in that he thinks you're wonderful but he is finished having children) It's not about being powerless either, though I find your choice of words quite telling. It's about knowing when someone's goals for themselves aren't compatible with yours and parting ways.

And really, if we flip the script, who's to say he wouldn't come to resent you for pressing the point of having a baby when he doesn't want to?

[LHGirl]

Why do you have so much resentment? Your ex-husband tried to have babies with you, and it simply didn't work out. Why would you have resentment towards him? And more importantly, why are you not only still carrying onto this resentment, but carrying it into this new relationship? How very unfair for you to do this to your new guy, and what a waste of energy on yourself.

Your guy has clearly and specifically told you what the deal is: no more kids. Not maybe, not hopeful. None. Why are you here, posting on a message board with anonymous people? Do you think we can change his mind?

When a man tells you something, believe him.

You've already pre-decided that you're going to have resentment for him if you stay with him and don't have kids. So, it's resentment from your ex, carried into resentment with this new guy. You're gonna be one miserable woman.

[ThatwasThen]

You've only been with him for 5 months and you're in the middle of the honeymoon period so its a good thing that he's not introducing you to his children during that time in your relationship. You have another six months to wait before you even meet his children so don't worry right now about them being taken away from you should you break up. In the meantime, figure out what is most important to you. A good guy who you may love past the honeymoon stage... or a new man without children at this point that wants to have one (naturally or through adoption) with you.

This man does not want more children. Figure out if that is a deal breaker for your or not. We can't give you the answer to that. However; if you choose to stay with him, don't you dare let yourself resent him for not wanting a child with you. You know the dealio going in.

[abitbroken]

I agree with him that no woman should meet his children until a year goes by at the very least.

I think that you need to look at things in several ways.

Firstly, are you sure you cannot have kids (did you actually get assessed to determine if the issue was your ex husband or you. Did you go to a specialist to make sure it wasn't your thyroid an that you wrere actually knowing how to "Time" sex correctly in your cycle)? Have you had multiple miscarriages? If you absolutely cannot have kids (i say you can't say that for sure unless there is a defect with your uterus, you had chemo, you are over 45 etc,
then it puzzles me why you would reject a man who doesn't want more if you cannot have any?

The problem i find with this man is he is throwing the breadcrumb of saying you are a type of woman he would "change his mind for" almost to figure out what's music to your ears.

If you adopt a child - unless you are that rare person that is able to adopt an infant -- you are adopting a kid that has experience with being the child of someone else -- would it be that different from you adopting your step kids (if mom is not in the picture, etc.) and raising them with a husband?

I think that its important for you to seek counseling and some closure on your failed adoption resentment. If you don't get pasr that, it is going to be hard to move forward either towards marriage, adoption etc. I also think that it would be good for you to explore why you could not conceive (ie, a doctor letting you know its something fixable or something that can't be fixed) so you can lay it to rest.)

To me, if i were you, i would look for a man who was very gung ho on adoption who also would be delighted if it did happen by surprise there was a biological child that happened.
But if you feel this guy is the one - you have to be content with the possibility you won't have a biological child (AND btw, you should be accepting that is a strong possibility anyhow).
You could meet someone new and not have kids anyhow -- so you need to come to terms with that issue