Why do i feel this way?

So I've been dating this girl. She's really nice, ticks a lot of boxes etc. We get on pretty well, we have lots of things in common and similar long term goals in life. Ive been seeing her for just over a month now, she only lives around the corner so we see each other probably twice a week. On paper, she's a catch and as i mentioned, ticks a lot of boxes and i should be really excited but for some reason I'm just not and i don't know why! Two things i need to mention. Firstly, i had a hard break up 6 months ago and I'm thinking maybe that has something to do with it. As much as i DO want to move on, it still plays on my mind often. Secondly, physically, she's not really my type. Im not unattracted to her by any means, but at the same time i not wow'd by her looks. I know that sounds incredibly harsh but its just the way i feel, I'm trying not to get caught up on looks, looks isn't the most important thing to me at all but it does still play a factor and i don't know if that may be the issue.

I want to be really into her because she's a lovely girl and we have a good time when we're together but something is missing and i don't know what or why! Does this mean i should end things or keep dating her and hope that we grow closer? I do feel more into her the more i see her which is a good thing. Or maybe I'm just done with dating, i have no idea!! Any suggestions?

Thanks!

End things. And stay single and heal.

I would stop seeing her.

It appears you're not ready to date yet, but also that you're just not that into her. Just because she's lovely doesn't mean she's the right girl for you. You don't feel the chemistry that is generally needed to sustain a romantic relationship, rather than a friendship.

You can't force yourself to have feelings that just aren't there. This is what dating is about. Not everyone is going to be the right match and that's okay. That's when you know it's time to call it a day.

You're only a few months out of a LTR, and a serious relationship, at that. You were planning a life together, to buy a house, etc. Youre not ready to date yet. Not anything more than casual. You don't need to force it. You'll be okay alone! I understand from past posts your high sex drive. You'd be better off finding a fwb situation than trying to date to commit right now. It's impossible to feel the way you want to feel with anyone so soon after a LTR. You loved your ex, you had regret in breaking up. You need time to heal. Dating can make you feel worse.

If you still think about your break-up from six months ago and it weighs on you emotionally, you shouldn't be dating anyone right now. It sounds like you could be using dating as a way to help you get over the break-up, which I wouldn't advise. Take time for yourself until you know you're ready to date.

Also, it sounds like you're trying to force a connection and attraction with this girl as well. Just because someone ''ticks a lot of boxes'' and isn't unattractive to you automatically means that you should be attracted. You can't force an attraction.

Could the fact that it sounds like you're not over your break-up from six months ago affect your attraction towards this girl? Nah, highly, highly doubtful. You're just trying to force a connection/attraction that unfortunately, isn't there. Plus, you said that physically she isn't really your type.

I've met many men who ticked a lot of boxes and who I wasn't turned off by or who were considered attractive, but I don't automatically feel that for these reasons I should be connecting with them romantically. If only dating, connecting and attraction were this simple. I wish.

Let her go. Focus on yourself right now.

I think it's mostly that she just doesn't do it for you -she is perfect on paper as far as a "good catch" and not perfect for you. And it's not shallow not to be turned on - I dated men who would normally have been physical dealbreakers (i.e. extremely overweight) but I was "strangely?" very attracted - and on the other hand if I met a man who was obese or way too skinny for my "type" I did not rule it out but sure it affected the chances that I would feel that chemistry. I don't think you need to be alone really - I think it's normal to still have left over hurt/feelings for a break up from 6 months ago and I think if you'd really clicked with her it wouldn't matter or be off your radar. A month is probably enough to know if there is at least potential for chemistry.

Chemistry.

You can't force it...it's either there or it isn't. You can literally have an attractive person who is kind and good hearted etc...but they do nothing for you.

You can spend as much time with them but if it's not there..it's not there.

6 months and a hard break up? You're probably not healed enough either to date just right this second.

But more so than anything, I would say chemistry. It's a shame but it's how it goes sometimes.

I agree with the others that it is likely too soon, but from an attraction level, I feel that as a guy, attraction is very important to me and if I don't think someone is attractive, I am generally not interested in them. That does not mean she has to be a super model or the hottest women in the world, attraction is subjective. This has caused some to call me picky, but then if I didn't take the first girl who came through the door, then that'd label me picky too. If she is not right, because you don't see her as attractive, then she is not right, no matter how many boxes are ticked.

Note: women see physical attraction in a different way, so it is difficult to compare.

You seem to have excellent insight that you aren't ready to date and are still on the rebound. Also if there is no attraction/chemistry, then convenience and boxes do not matter. Don't string her along because you "should" be moving on/dating or "should" like her. If you are unsure, perhaps date a few more times, but don't just find comfort in a nearby warm body if you're not feeling it.

i had a hard break up 6 months ago

 

physically, she's not really my type.

note: women see physical attraction in a different way, so it is difficult to compare.

How so?........

Eh, typical problem that on paper, she seems all that and checks all your marks. Unfortunately in reality, that chemistry, click, connection just isn't there. It happens like that and when it does, it can be confusing because rationally it should work, but it just doesn't.

Do yourself and her a favor and go ahead and end things. Don't drag this out any longer. You can't force chemistry to happen. It's either there or it isn't. In this case, it's just not there, so you let this go.

If you aren't 100% happy, it's probably best to leave now. The longer you prolong it, the more it will hurt her when you leave.

How so?........

In that it is often more important to men when picking a partner, than to a woman.

In that it is often more important to men when picking a partner, than to a woman.

Oh I completely disagree. Physical attraction has nothing to do with gender. There are people who focus on it less because other aspects are more important -including the status of being married or being in a committed relationship. I do agree that I've seen men focus more on someone's physical features than women to men but that is different from wanting physical attraction as part of a romantic relationship.

Oh I completely disagree. Physical attraction has nothing to do with gender. There are people who focus on it less because other aspects are more important -including the status of being married or being in a committed relationship. I do agree that I've seen men focus more on someone's physical features than women to men but that is different from wanting physical attraction as part of a romantic relationship.

I honestly agree with Keyman. I've seen some beautiful women with men that idk how they got them. Women (not all) are more prone to look at security and personality over looks when choosing someone. Seeking a stable partner becomes important. Looks matter to me, pretty eyes, I'm drooling lol. That's what gets me attracted.

Men,geez. All of my exes are picky AF. They'd rather be alone than settle for average looks. Have to be a 9 at least in their books. Superficial, at best. And many men I've talked to, they say looks are top priority. It's not a good way to be because looks fade. Then what? If you have a stunning woman with a bad personality, how's that gonna end up long term?

It bugs me to no end when older men chase after young women. Tight bodies, plump skin, youthful. It's about the eye and arm candy. We can be that way too, thirties, forties, he'll I've seen some beautiful women in their late 50s who look amazing. Great body and skin, but......we're not 25 , so we are going to age quicker . We are already too old for them. Lol. Funny part, these men who want the knock outs generally don't look so good.

I honestly agree with Keyman. I've seen some beautiful women with men that idk how they got them. Women (not all) are more prone to look at security and personality over looks when choosing someone. Seeking a stable partner becomes important. Looks matter to me, pretty eyes, I'm drooling lol. That's what gets me attracted.

 

Men,geez. All of my exes are picky AF. They'd rather be alone than settle for average looks. Have to be a 9 at least in their books. Superficial, at best. And many men I've talked to, they say looks are top priority. It's not a good way to be because looks fade. Then what? If you have a stunning woman with a bad personality, how's that gonna end up long term?

 

It bugs me to no end when older men chase after young women. Tight bodies, plump skin, youthful. It's about the eye and arm candy. We can be that way too, thirties, forties, he'll I've seen some beautiful women in their late 50s who look amazing. Great body and skin, but......we're not 25 , so we are going to age quicker . We are already too old for them. Lol. Funny part, these men who want the knock outs generally don't look so good.

I agree with you. I see physical attraction as different from physical features. Some overlap but not entirely in the least. I agree with you that in general men are more focused on physical features than women.

I agree with you. I see physical attraction as different from physical features. Some overlap but not entirely in the least. I agree with you that in general men are more focused on physical features than women.

Same. Like I said, eyes will draw me in. Its where attraction has always begun for me. A man will look from top to bottom, and front and back lol.

I honestly agree with Keyman. I've seen some beautiful women with men that idk how they got them. Women (not all) are more prone to look at security and personality over looks when choosing someone. Seeking a stable partner becomes important. Looks matter to me, pretty eyes, I'm drooling lol. That's what gets me attracted.

 

Men,geez. All of my exes are picky AF. They'd rather be alone than settle for average looks. Have to be a 9 at least in their books. Superficial, at best. And many men I've talked to, they say looks are top priority. It's not a good way to be because looks fade. Then what? If you have a stunning woman with a bad personality, how's that gonna end up long term?

 

It bugs me to no end when older men chase after young women. Tight bodies, plump skin, youthful. It's about the eye and arm candy. We can be that way too, thirties, forties, he'll I've seen some beautiful women in their late 50s who look amazing. Great body and skin, but......we're not 25 , so we are going to age quicker . We are already too old for them. Lol. Funny part, these men who want the knock outs generally don't look so good.

So friggin’ true.

I was just thinking about this yesterday. I have to say this, just as an example: But, I've been chatting off and on with a guy for a while now (a long time). We initially met online and I remember thinking that I was not all that attracted, but liked his profile. The more I got to know him, the more I was attracted. He always commented on my looks and wanted more pictures. Anyway, I came across him on another site recently. I'm in my 30's, he's in his 40's. Actually, he just turned 45 (but he put his age as younger in his profile). On this new site where I found him, he answered questions about not having any issue dating women half his age, is SUPER open to a non-monogamous relationship, doesn't want to get married/have kids and isn't willing to date anyone above 40. Sweet jebus. He's a super successful guy (in the media a lot) and I just get the feeling that he won't settle for anything less than a 10.

I often wonder how people like this will survive and live as they get older. I can't help but think they're going to feel lonely. To each their own, I guess.

Sorry, don't want to hijack your thread, OP. Just had to say my piece...lol.

I digress...

So friggin’ true.

 

I was just thinking about this yesterday. I have to say this, just as an example: But, I've been chatting off and on with a guy for a while now (a long time). We initially met online and I remember thinking that I was not all that attracted, but liked his profile. The more I got to know him, the more I was attracted. He always commented on my looks and wanted more pictures. Anyway, I came across him on another site recently. I'm in my 30's, he's in his 40's. Actually, he just turned 45 (but he put his age as younger in his profile). On this new site where I found him, he answered questions about not having any issue dating women half his age, is SUPER open to a non-monogamous relationship, doesn't want to get married/have kids and isn't willing to date anyone above 40. Sweet jebus. He's a super successful guy (in the media a lot) and I just get the feeling that he won't settle for anything less than a 10.

 

I often wonder how people like this will survive and live as they get older. I can't help but think they're going to feel lonely. To each their own, I guess.

 

Sorry, don't want to hijack your thread, OP. Just had to say my piece...lol.

 

I digress...

Who wants that guy? Yuck! But see, there too, you prove that we as women can see personality as something , even if they don't have all we want physically. Men like that will have young females after him because they see him as symbol. Maybe a sugar daddy type? We women who know better, we can be turned off. It's arrogant. To each his own, but......good luck to him. It just stinks of disrespect, from the eyes of a self respecting female. Love the dishonesty about the age too. Men do that to not be filtered out by the younger ones who search by age.

Ok, no more high jacking!! Sorry that happened, but I'm glad you discovered him on another site and saw his true colors.

I agree physical attraction is super important. But isn't it subjective? What one considers physically attractive "to them" another might not -- "to them."

I've been attracted to all types of men, taller, shorter, darker, lighter, shaved head, long hair, hell my tastes have run the gamut!

What does it for me is just that "somethin somethin" about his looks that draw ME in, on a personal level.

I couldn't even tell you what that somethin is, it's nothing specific, it's just there for me, and honestly I think attraction has more to do with a man's energy than anything else anyway.

Damn, when a man has good high confident bold energy, he can really pull me, depending on our energy of course.

keyman, correct me if I am wrong, but is that how it is for you? Why people deem you "picky"?

I've been called extremely picky! Here in southern cali, there are gorgeous extremely fit men all over the place. Great "on paper" too.

I meet them, chat with them, get asked out by them -- but for ME, it just "wasn't there."

I can only chalk that up to there being no "energy" between us, which I can sense almost immediately!

I met my current bf on line. When I first joined the site, I can't even count the number of hits and messages I received. Some from super good looking men! Model types.

But for me, again they just didn't have that somethin somethin, so delete they went.

With my current boyfriend, his looks wowed me immediately! He looks a bit like Richard Gere about 20-25 years ago, with the longer hair. And he's not tall either, around 5'8" (I am 5'6" and with heels, I am actually taller than he is). But we don't care, we just click!

His photos were very low key, he was at his ranch with his animals (goats actually, lol), which really appealed to me. I showed his photos to some of my friends, and honestly, even resembling Richard Gere, they didn't think he was all that hot (to them). And their reaction to his goats were like "ewwwww."

But I loved it! Why because we both felt that "energy" even over the damn internet! I cannot even explain it, but I will tell you honestly, while looks played a role, it was not what I focused on. I focused on our energy and how well we clicked, yes even over the internet!

Who wants that guy? Yuck! But see, there too, you prove that we as women can see personality as something , even if they don't have all we want physically. Men like that will have young females after him because they see him as symbol. Maybe a sugar daddy type? We women who know better, we can be turned off. It's arrogant. To each his own, but......good luck to him. It just stinks of disrespect, from the eyes of a self respecting female. Love the dishonesty about the age too. Men do that to not be filtered out by the younger ones who search by age.

 

Ok, no more high jacking!! Sorry that happened, but I'm glad you discovered him on another site and saw his true colors.

Oh, I told him a while ago that we weren't a match and that I sensed more ''buddy vibes''. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't the type for me. We still chat every now and then just for kicks. Have no interest in him romantically and he knows this. He's super charming though, and add that to his success, I'm pretty sure he's swarmed with women.

With my ex of ten years we met in the college library. That would be now 14 years ago! It was instant chemistry and connection for both of us! It sounds odd but I knew right then and there every guy in that moment would pale in comparison. They did for our whole relationship even when he got sick. Even in the really nitty gritty hard times.

Op I think what I explained is rare but not impossible to find. You need that strong vibe that tracends past looks even that magical pull where you can’t imagine a day without them. Don’t settle until you find that. Let this girl go so she can gravitate towards her magnet.

 

What does it for me is just that "somethin somethin" about his looks that draw ME in, on a personal level.

 

I couldn't even tell you what that somethin is, it's nothing specific, it's just there for me, and honestly I think attraction has more to do with a man's energy than anything else anyway.

 

Damn, when a man has good high confident bold energy, he can really pull me, depending on our energy of course.

 

keyman, correct me if I am wrong, but is that how it is for you? Why people deem you "picky"?

Hey Kat,

Oddly, yes, that is how I would explain it. She has to have that something that just catches my attention. I admit I have a type, Tomboy all the way, but there has to be something there that just sparkles when I look at her. There was this girl I dated for a year, and I admit she wasn't super attractive, but when she smiled at me the knees went a little jelly, sly, sneaky, dangerous. It's that kind of thing.

If a girl doesn't have that thing, then I just don't feel attracted to her.

It's like the girl I askd out yesterday (a small victory in itself for finally finding my confidence), total opposite to what I like, well, except the tomboyish. She's loud, bubbly, smokes, has tattoos, but there is this thing about her, this energy, that just made me overlook those other usual not likes for me.

Last week, this girl in one of my groups asked for my number, and started texting me daily. My friends think I should date her, but there just isn't that thing, and I don't feel attracted to her because of it. And of course, not I am picky.

I just want to point out, that I'm not all about the looks. And I'm certainly not only after 10/10s, i honestly wouldn't say any of my ex's have been even close 10s but i still found them attractive. Sometimes i just don't feel that attracted to someone. I will choose personality over imagine every day, but i still think its important to be attracted to them too! Thanks for the responses :)

I just want to point out, that I'm not all about the looks. And I'm certainly not only after 10/10s, i honestly wouldn't say any of my ex's have been even close 10s but i still found them attractive. Sometimes i just don't feel that attracted to someone. I will choose personality over imagine every day, but i still think its important to be attracted to them too! Thanks for the responses :)

There's no reason in the world to choose personality over feeling physically attracted to someone. There's often no choice anyway -you're attracted to the person - and chemistry can have to do with looks, personality, sense of humor, some mish mash combination of all of those things and more. Should you choose personality over someone's physical features -meaning how others will think of her from some "ranking" perspective -I mean, to me, yes, but if a person gets validation/thrills from arm candy and the arm candy person is ok with that or even turned on it's not my business. Sounds like you are not physically attracted to her. Let her find someone who is.