It started as long distance.

Me and my partner are 5 yrs apart in age. My parents are narcs, and my boyfriend helped me during my senior year high school to realize this. I had just been accepted into college and I decided this would be a new transitioning phase in life. We were so in love and long distance for 4 yrs until we finally met. (Every relationship has its issues and resolves however). After visiting things were revealed to me. Things we fought night and day over. His sexual past. Turns out somethings he said happened before and they really didnt. I just couldnt put my finger on it. For some reason no matter how many times I questioned him about it he wouldnt tell me he was lying. No matter how many nights I cried. I admit it was immature and obsessive to ponder over your partners sexual history but I guess now I can say I knew something was wrong all along. In the beginning, before our status was bf/gf, we were just talking as I was in a relationship with someone else at the time. Oops! He sends me a photo after asking if I want to see his friend and its a lingerie bikini slim/stripper like woman. This was a result of me calling him dork. Which he to this day says he didn't know I was joking. I didn't feel insecure because of how the woman looked. I felt insecure because me and this guy talked more than me and my current at the time(now ex) bf spoke. We actually talked and we cared and we loved every word that came out od each others mouths. Why would he do this to try and combat me? I did not feel assured when I would try to resolve this conflict with him, I admit. I only felt pushed away. I then began to resent myself and also the ethnicity of the race he sent me. I have never been so low in my life honestly I am proud that I have come to the point where hate, and envy does not rest near my spirit anymore. Fast forward to now I live with my spouse.

Above everything else, I truly love this man. Oh my god. It is really boiling down to how much I can tolerate at this point. I have graduated while my partner only has his GED. Is not yearning to work an anyway. Only looking at craigslist ads... and not often. He is taking care of me and him barely. We aren't surviving on a lot. I gave up a lot of relationships for him I threw away a lot for him. I was loyal and so was he. Yet I now desire to just be desired. We discussed this many times during my visits but I don't feel as if my needs are met and if he even cares at all. Our conversations do not interest me anymore. He tells me what we should discuss but I feel there are other things such as our future together and our plan to get there are far more important. I fear at this point I will be kicked out if I have to return home with my narc family with no where to go if our relationship were to end before I could land a job. Why do you ask I would fear this? Because everytime I would visit home for college I would be kicked out. For eating food without asking. Not because I am a kid, not because there was not much food in the house but because I was finally hungry enough to come eat. And food was snatched from my hands and thrown into the trash.

I have little to no close friends now because my boyfriend did not like me "complaining" to him about them. His responses were basically near "Either stop complaining to me about them or stop talking to them." Being young and naive I have done just that of which I regret. I don't know if I can be with this person for the rest of my life. If I do get a job that would possess another conflict because I would have to move and yes he is "taking care of me now". However for the past 4 yrs he has not worked and I don't know how it will work if Im having to work and take care of someone who is goofing off playing video games instead of worrying about the bills. I may add he says he doesnt think we can live together and wants his own place. I'm just clueless how that could ever happen with his lack of motivation. My parents offer to send me money to return. I know this inevitably one sided and sort of on the verge of me venting. I apologize. I just am at a big decision make intersection in life and am hoping there is someone out there kind enough to spend their time and share their thoughts to maybe guide me into other ways of looking at the puzzle.

Yeah, this is a classic case of emotional abuse by him and emotional dependence on your part. If you Google these terms (emotional abuse and emotional dependence) you will see what I'm saying. He uses insults and arguments over petty things to control and dominate you. He has taken advantage of your parents abusing you to abuse you himself. This also affects your self-esteem and things will only go downhill.

I could go through this point by point, but the bottom line is that you're in an extremely toxic relationship and it will only get worse. It sounds like you need to start standing on your own two feet very quickly to get away from your abusive boyfriend and your abusive parents. You should also stay away from online relationships because you never really know the real person until you actually meet them in person.

So you need to get a job and find a roommate situation where you can recover your sense of well-being and move on with your life. You probably won't do this immediately, but you should make this your goal and you should do it quickly before you lose the will to escape both of these forces. Good luck.

What are "narcs"? Accept your parents help and get out. You are lucky to have them and it was smart to tell them what is going on.

My parents are narcs, and my boyfriend helped me during my senior year high school to realize this.

 

My parents offer to send me money to return.

What are "narcs"? Accept your parents help and get out. You are lucky to have them and it was smart to tell them what is going on.

Narcissists. Taking food out of your hand and throwing it away is pretty abusive.

Thank you so much. I was in denial he was a narc too, but the fact that he can identify other narcs on the flip of a dime makes all the sense now. It will be hard but I am determined to somehow turns things around. I really appreciate your feedback. Good luck to you too.

Well maybe he isnt a narc and just has another disorder. I dont know. Im so tired of being weighed down in life because of him. First he blamed his mother for his life... now its me. Because he has to take care of me. I just had a big fight with him and hes telling me to return home. I know that he would let me stay if i needed to. Im just going a bit stir crazy. (Not the best living circumstance) thats all.

Go back to your hometown. Accept your parents help if you need to. Get on your own. Learn to be independent. Stop thinking everyone is a narcissist or has some disorder. It's you who needs to get away from this guy, go home and stop depending on people to "take care of you". Take care of yourself.

Get into therapy for help sorting out your need to depend on people, resent them then stay and beg to "be allowed to stay" and to "be taken care of". Get out of the victim role and develop independent living skills.

he has to take care of me. I just had a big fight with him and hes telling me to return home. I know that he would let me stay if i needed to.

As much as I hate to admit it. You are right. My outlook on people can be very daunting sometimes. I should suspect there are narcissists but not everyone. Also thanks, I do need to be independent. There is no excuse at this point.