Stay with mom long term or move out?

My brother thinks and wants me to stay living with mom until she dies. I think I would become resentful, though most of the time I don't mind living with her. I really want to be more independant of her. Working helps some, and therapies get me out of the house. But even she says she likes having me around.

My psychiatrist says she's a bad mom for not wanting me to move out. My case manager is working on housing applications with me. It'll be about a year before a subsidized apartment comes available. But I would be going against family to move out on my own, and part of me isn't sure I want to.

My brother thinks we both are better having a person around. He says mom is getting older and he wants me to have an eye on her. In case something happens. Honestly she seems fine but really may only have a few years left her blood sugars are high often. Her aic is super high 14. She had a heart attack last year. Now has a stint. But again she could live 15 more years. No one knows.

Thoughts on following professional advice, which matches my feelings, or family?

Why doesn't your brother stay with her then?

He has a family and has offered her to move in. His kids are young and the 6 year old pushes her buttons. She says no. Plus she has her stuff.

What about your daughter? Is she still refusing to see you at your mom's house?

Without knowing much of the background, I will just say that I believe in the children taking care of the parents when the parents get old.

To me, it's respectful and it's the right thing to do.

I don't believe it's a cultural thing or any kind of religious thing, I think it's just how the world should run (if it runs properly).

The parents take care of the children as they grow up and the grown children take care of the parents once they are old.

Anything less seems selfish and messed up.

Just my two cents.

Both.

I know that’s a weird answer but... you are saying that a subsidized apartment would not be available for about a year. A year is a pretty long time from now. A lot of things can change in a year (your relationships, your work situation, your mom’s health, etc)

I think you should continue down the path that you are currently on - which is to fill the applications for subsidized housing - and make the actual decision based on the actual facts in front of you when it’s a reality.

It’s always good to have options. I would keep all your options open until you are forced to decide.

has offered her to move in. His kids are young and the 6 year old pushes her buttons. She says no. Plus she has her stuff.

Not moving in with him is her choice then. Imo, you are not obliged to sacrifice your independence so as to accommodate her choice or your brother's feelings. If there were no alternatives, it would be a different story. I, too, agree that one should take care of their parents, but not to the point of self-sacrificing, if there are available alternatives.

Not moving in with him is her choice then. Imo, you are not obliged to sacrifice your independence so as to accommodate her choice or your brother's feelings. If there were no alternatives, it would be a different story. I, too, agree that one should take care of their parents, but not to the point of self-sacrificing, if there are available alternatives.

I completely agree. I am not sure of your entire story, but from my understanding you are struggling to be independent and living with your mother has become toxic, to a degree. I am all for helping out others, especially family, although you should not let others' govern your life by holding this over your head. Help your mother, but do not give up your independence for her. Help her, but do not put yourself in a toxic situation for her. It is not selfish to put your own well being first, while helping where you can.

Is there any chance you could get your own place and stop by and see her a few times a week to help with groceries, etc?

That might be a better solution.

Jetta, one very important question: Do you get along with your mother?

If you get along very well, then living with her might be something to consider.

If you have slightly incompatible lifestyles but still get along well, then living with her might be something to consider.

If you have incompatible lifestyles but still get along, then maybe living with her might be something to consider.

If you have incompatible lifestyles that cause constant conflict then living with her is not an option. Living nearby is best, so you can easily visit her any time and still take very good care of her. A granny flat is also a great idea as you retain your independence but live very close to your parent.

Having said that, the above only works when a parent has a decent physical and mental condition. That is:the ability to move around the house, shower without help, etc.

Having said that, the above only works when a parent has a decent physical and mental condition. That is:the ability to move around the house, shower without help, etc.

Why does it? I have a friend who's parent has dementia and the parent needs help doing everything. My friend takes care of them along with a nurse who comes and does a check up once a week and it's worked great for a few years now.

My friend still has nights out, still has their freedom when needed/wanted.

It can very well work out. All it takes is a willingness to look after your elderly parent and support.

A parent needing help to this degree, does not mean the end all for the child who decides to help them.

Why does it? I have a friend who's parent has dementia and the parent needs help doing everything. My friend takes care of them along with a nurse who comes and does a check up once a week and it's worked great for a few years now.

My friend still has nights out, still has their freedom when needed/wanted.

 

It can very well work out. All it takes is a willingness to look after your elderly parent and support.

A parent needing help to this degree, does not mean the end all for the child who decides to help them.

I agree, it's not the end all for the child who decides to help them. (My last sentence on that previous post could have been worded better.) I meant that only parents who have a sufficient physical and mental condition can live on their own. People with conditions need assistance. The degree of assistance depends on the severity of the condition. If the parent needs full-time assistance you either need to hire caretakers or, if too expensive, you need to find suitable alternatives which are not limited to but include living with said family member.

He has a family and has offered her to move in.

This is your mental and emotional safety net for the future to avoid building resentments NOW that don't need to exist. You've been working hard this year to build some stability into your own life. You made the right choice to forego the last apartment that came up, and while your Mom gets on your nerves sometimes, you've been making this arrangement work.

The one thing you do NOT need to do is start projecting 'forever' onto anything. I'd tell Mom and brother that you fully appreciate your current arrangement and have no immediate plans to move, but you're not positioned to commit to forever right now.

This tables the discussion for the next year while you focus on cultivating job and financial stability. Consider that all of your premature moves in the past are what led you back to Mom's in the first place. However, if you move out before you're entirely ready this time, you're likely to position Mom and brother to form a plan for Mom where she moves in with him or into a senior situation that would preclude you from having a safe place to return to should your finances take another nosedive.

For your own head, I'd view living with Mom less as an obligation to her and brother, but more as your own opportunity to build the financial and emotional resources you will need for your future choices to succeed, regardless of whether you opt to stay with Mom, or go.

Head high, you're doing great. Don't stir resentments that don't need to exist. Don't forget that your current living situation is as much for your own benefit as for Mom, and remind your therapist of this as well.

I agree with the above. You can view it as a money saving situation and not as a burden.

In the long run, it will save you money so you can invest in your own future.

It definitely is a better perspective.

Honestly, knowing your situation, i would not plan to move out because you have no savings, and are on disability. If you can prove that you can handle life and don't have to be on disabilities due to nervous breakdowns and have earned the right to be gainfully employed and off disability because you have been stable - then move out then. Mom has bailed you out so many times that resenting her is just soo misplaced. I would tell bro that you will cross that bridge when you come to it (you won't agree to live with her forever - but you are not going to move out anytime soon. you'll take things as they come).