Boyfriend to move in with me & parent

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. We are both adults in our 20s. We live in the Bay Area where cost of living is high. I currently live with my mother. It’s just her and I in a 3 bedroom house. My younger sister was living here as well but has gone off to college and will not be moving back in. So we have a spare room. I am on the lease, I pay rent and buy my own groceries and I am in school working on a nursing degree. My boyfriends family wants to move out of state and he does not. I would love to be able to live with him, have him move in here. I know my mother does not want to live in this house forever and will soon want to move into smaller, cheaper senior housing. I can’t move out just yet, because my mother can not afford this place on her own, and does not have the means to move right now.

I know she likes him, but I just don’t know if my mother would “allow” this or even think it over. I’m not sure how to go about asking. How should I bring it up? I feel like I can’t just flat out say “Can my boyfriend move in?” I feel like I’d have to ease her into it, and make her see that it’s a positive situation. He would be helping with rent, food, etc.

Any advice?

I understand that the cost of living is high, but and (not to sound harsh) it's simply not her job to put a roof over his head. These scenarios usually end with resentment, as in invading her space/privacy, feeling awkward, etc.

I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but a better choice would be to wait until you both can afford your own place, and have only yourselves to answer to.

JMO...

I understand that the cost of living is high, but and (not to sound harsh) it's simply not her job to put a roof over his head. These scenarios usually end with resentment, as in invading her space/privacy, feeling awkward, etc.

 

I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but a better choice would be to wait until you both can afford your own place, and have only yourselves to answer to.

 

JMO...

I have to say I agree with the above.

Well I know what my mother would have said if I wanted my bf to move in! She'd have had a coronary on the spot. But you know your mother, we dont.

Would you stand a chance if your bf moved into the spare room not your room? Or would your mother see that as one in the same?

I think you'd be better to wait until your mother moves or you can afford to move out on your own.

Correct me if I am wrong, but from reading the opening post I got that it is the mother who cannot afford to live on her own, not the original poster. I know it's usually the opposite situation, so can understand that line of thinking.

You and your mother sound like roommates residing in a rented house, since you state you are also on the lease paying rent and not instead contributing to paying her mortgage. Hence, you two both have a say in who will occupy the third room (or your room), if you wish to have the additional rent. Is your boyfriend liked by your mother? If so, I imagine asking her outright for him to move in wouldn't be too big of a deal. It's additional savings until your mother can afford to move out on her own and you can live with your bf separately. It's not like this is a new relationship; you've been together for a few years now and this is the next step for you two. Preferably I would advise for you to move out alone with him, but if you are so worried about your mother's financial situation then perhaps you may find this alternative option worth a shot to at least propose.

Now, if your bf isn't in good standing with your mother, then that's an entirely different situation.

Right. Your boyfriend agrees to pay a third of the rent, thus reducing her rent from 50% to 33%. (My brother had a similar arrangement with his mother-in-law.) Everyone will be a winner. And when mom moves out to senior housing, you two can rent the apartment (if you can afford it at that time when the rent will probably be even higher). It's a win-win proposition.

It doesn't matter how you slice it and dice it. Your mother will either say yes or no and you'll have to respect her decision. Don't try to manipulate her. Your bf is a grown up and when his parents move he can find his own place with roommates if he wants to stay in the area.

If you have to manipulate your mother to hang on to him, you need to reflect on that. Also your mother may not you and your bf in the house having sex, hanging out, sharing bathrooms, kitchens with him, etc. Why would your bf want to live with your mother?

It's a bad idea all the way around and you obviously haven't talked it over with your bf. If you want to ruin your relationship with your mother and your bf, sure go ahead and try this idea.

I currently live with my mother. My boyfriends family wants to move out of state and he does not. I feel like I’d have to ease her into it, and make her see that it’s a positive situation.

I did not mean manipulating her. I meant ease her into it, as in have him stay a few nights a week at first so she can get used to someone else being there etc. Like a trial run. And by show her it’s a positive situation, I meant by showing her it’d be reducing her rent, etc. and not a free for all for my bf...

Yes. My mother and I are basically roommates. I can’t move out and just leave her because she can not afford a place on her own just yet. So I don’t really have an option to move out. Otherwise I would just find a place with my bf

So even though we are basically roommates. I am on the lease, and we pay the same rent... I have no say because I’m her daughter?

Even with a roommate, you can not just bring in a third party without their consent. Also your bf is not on the lease and you could get evicted for failing to adhere to the lease agreement.

Have you read it line-for-line including the small print? That would be a good thing to do before running it by your mother or bf. What does he think of the idea?

Most landlords do not appreciate more wear and tear on their places when a third party is taken on who is not on the lease. It's too much liability for the landlord, you, your mother and your bf, who can't just hang out as a paying house guest with zero tenancy rights.

So even though we are basically roommates. I am on the lease, and we pay the same rent... I have no say because I’m her daughter?

Before causing potential drama with your mom, have you actually asked your bf and would he even be interested in living like that? I'd start with that if I were you. He might feel more awkward about this idea than your mother and therefore categorically refuse. If he is interested and willing, then you have no choice but to approach your mom about it like an adult - directly. There is no real way to mince words or beat around the bush about it. Just ask. You do need to consider a lot of things. It won't be easy for you all to live like that and you will need to talk, all three of you about house rules and expectations from each - chores, food, finances, etc. You really need to treat this as you would living with three strangers. The more clear cut the house rules, the easier for everyone to get along. This is assuming that the other two people in the equation are even remotely willing to go along with this idea of yours.

Have you talked to your bf about this idea yet?

Does your bf want to live with you? It sounds like neither of you has been able to afford that or been interested in it. Is this a way to hope he stays in the area? How is your relationship with him?

My boyfriends family wants to move out of state and he does not. I would love to be able to live with him, have him move in here.

 

I just don’t know if my mother would “allow” this or even think it over.

Yeah you should not do any kind of easing her into anything. I think you make a case that this is a practical adjustment that is potentially helpful to everyone. First, talk to your boyfriend about the situation. Then talk to your mom about the situation.

There is another aspect of this - if this goes forward, you do realize your bf is moving in right? Are you prepared for how the new living arrangements might affect your relationship? Not just moving in together, but moving in together with an in-law. It can change things.

So even though we are basically roommates. I am on the lease, and we pay the same rent... I have no say because I’m her daughter?

Of course you have a say. It is just you have to all agree on a decision. Even living with a stranger as a roommate, instead of your mother, you all still have to agree to add someone on the lease.

Bring it up and see what she says. If she says no then see if you want to either stay with her longer, while putting your relationship at a standstill, or really want to move out together with your bf (don't tell her this until after her decision is made), if possible. It is not your responsibility to sacrifice your wants and needs (independence) for the sake of your mother. She is an adult and should know not put such a burden on her own daughter. You can help her, but there comes a point to where she needs to help herself more. It is likely she realizes this, so please don't worry too much.

If you all decide to move in your bf, keep in mind to respect your mother in any given situation. Cohabitating with a SO is much different than dating. There are adjustments between you two that will ensue, additionally with your mother thrown into the mix. Effectively, there will be three people who will have to learn how to positively live together, rather than just two. It may make this move more difficult, although it can be done with enough patience and respect.

I did not mean manipulating her. I meant ease her into it, as in have him stay a few nights a week at first so she can get used to someone else being there etc. Like a trial run. And by show her it’s a positive situation, I meant by showing her it’d be reducing her rent, etc. and not a free for all for my bf...

That's not an idea I'd attempt to pull off. It IS manipulative, and it's likely to cause resentment from Mom because it doesn't sound as though you'd plan on giving her a choice about having this houseguest.

I'd skip that. I'd explain BF's situation with his parents, and be prepared to answer when Mom asks why BF can't find his own place, either with his own roommates or not.

Wait...hopefully this is not the quasi-date-rapist creep you are desperately trying to hang onto by compromising your mother and your tenancy?

02-01-2016 ...

 

I brought him food, and honestly just wanted to enjoy each other's company while watching a movie. As soon as I get there he's all over me. today I simply said I wanted to wait until I'm back on birth control. He got extremely mad, and kept trying to have sex even though I told him no. I understand he's my boyfriend and that I should be pleasing him