I don't understand men's fantasies

Hi I'm a woman in mid 20s who comes from a pretty traditional culture/family. I have a really conservative view of sexual intimacy between people, but I've been open about my own sexuality and needs. I masturbate plenty and try different things that feels good for me. I always had high sex drive and started masturbating in a pretty young age. Despite having high sex drive, I've never kissed, hooked up, or did one-night stands with anyone that I wasn't dating. I can only be intimate with people that I'm in relationship with. Just the thought of sleeping with someone that I don't have connection to makes me feel uncomfortable and sick.

I recently learned that a lot of men and women fantasize about having sex with random people, celebrities, people they personally know, and a lot of strangers that they are not in relationship with. It was such a mind blowing news for me because I've never fantasized about being sexually intimate with anyone except my SO. I understand that people who are in relationship can find other people attractive and there is nothing wrong with it. However, seeing something attractive and think "Oh that guy/girl is attractive" to "Oh I wonder how sex with them is like" is such a huge jump for me. I don't understand how people's mind jump straight to fantasizing being sexually intimate with the stranger that they just walked by.

I read a lot of guys saying that "Men are wired to do so and we can't help it and girls shouldn't worry about it as long as we don't act on it" but I also read some guys saying "I used to(or never) fantasize about random people from time to time, but since I met my significant other I only fantasize about my SO". I'm confused and am wondering if it's ever possible for a guy to be fully committed and stop think about other people when he is in a serious relationship.

A similar question about sexy costumes that most guys like(maid, school girl, nurse...). My boyfriend really likes it when I dress up as a school girl and he says seeing me in different sexy looks(that's only for him) gets him very turned on. Although I enjoy dressing up, I don't fully understand how costume fantasies work either. So does it mean that when he sees other women in the same costume he gets turned on? or is it that he simply enjoys seeing me in different sexy outfits? If he has a preference in sexy costumes, does it mean he finds the girls who's wearing the costume hot no matter who they are?

I'm not trying to judge anyone here. I simply don't understand a lot of "common" things that people do because sex has been always very personal to me. I'm in a great relationship and I don't want to damage it because of my unnecessary worries.

You bring up a lot of interesting questions.

I know depending on who answers these questions, some will say it's biological for a man to behave like this, to think like this. I personally find that to be bull.

A man now a days has evolved significantly since the caveman days, they know the difference between thinking someone is attractive, to carrying it on and picturing her naked and being with her, etc.

In my opinion it has more to with self control, and moral/ethic compass.

Unfortunately many fall short in this day and age due to many factors. But the main one being, not caring, and giving into temptations without a conscience.

It's a sickness in today's society/world.

I don't buy into the idea that one needs to fantasize about others, or that they can't help themselves. They can, they just don't darn well care to.

Same with sex so quickly or with people they barely know. They know better.

It really depends on the person individually rather than to paint everyone with the same brush, however, it is significant to note that divorce is at an all time high, as is STD's.

My opinion is that is has more to do with the corruption and degradation of our society rather than being wired a certain way.

Just worry about your own sexuality and that of whatever partner you are with. Who cares "how mind blowing what others think/do is"? Why are you asking this? Is something missing from your partner or is he making you uncomfortable?

I simply don't understand a lot of "common" things that people do because sex has been always very personal to me. I'm in a great relationship and I don't want to damage it because of my unnecessary worries.

I think men and women have sexual fantasies and the fantasies might not be consistent with their choices in real life. I think that's normal and actually really healthy. Think about romance novels -and literary novels like Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre (and Gone With the Wind which is kinda literary and watching Sex and the City which is not!)- I think it's fantastic to be able to fantasize privately about having sex with strangers, or a celebrity whether you are married, single, committed, whatever - because it can be fun, exciting, pleasurable and I don't think the person should "help" it -they should embrace it with this exception -if it has to do with abusing another person or a child heaven forbid, or it becomes an obsession then it becomes more like an illness or at least potentially depending. Or if having the fantasy is because the person is very unhappy in their actual relationship or is an excuse not to pursue a relationship. Or, if the person insists that her partner act out one of her fantasies even if the partner doesn't want to, etc.

I would not be concerned at all if my husband told me he fantasizes about celebrities or random strangers but I would be upset if he told me that without my asking (or even if I did ask he'd probably say that it's not important to talk about all else equal). There's a great Carly Simon song "we have no secrets" which explains this well. And I don't tell him when I fantasize and he doesn't ask because there's no need -we're happy together, committed, loyal, same values about loyalty and fidelity. If we were having marital problems hypothetically then perhaps in counseling that subject would come up as in "what would you want your partner to do that she is not doing" or something like that.

To me porn is different. I would not be ok with him watching porn to any extent. I don't think he does at all (has he ever? maybe as a teenager or in college he looked at it and I know in his 20s he went to a few bachelor parties and never interacted with a stripper or wanted to despite pressure -and no, I would not have been ok with him having that kind of bachelor party and he didn't). It's all on a spectrum. I think people can be 100% committed and faithful to each other and indulge in private fantasies and in many cases I think that can enhance the marriage especially if in some way the couple chooses to role play or have some fun with it if BOTH people find it fun and pleasurable. It all depends on the circumstances.

I think men and women have sexual fantasies and the fantasies might not be consistent with their choices in real life. I think that's normal and actually really healthy. Think about romance novels -and literary novels like Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre (and Gone With the Wind which is kinda literary and watching Sex and the City which is not!)- I think it's fantastic to be able to fantasize privately about having sex with strangers, or a celebrity whether you are married, single, committed, whatever - because it can be fun, exciting, pleasurable and I don't think the person should "help" it -they should embrace it with this exception -if it has to do with abusing another person or a child heaven forbid, or it becomes an obsession then it becomes more like an illness or at least potentially depending. Or if having the fantasy is because the person is very unhappy in their actual relationship or is an excuse not to pursue a relationship. Or, if the person insists that her partner act out one of her fantasies even if the partner doesn't want to, etc.

 

I would not be concerned at all if my husband told me he fantasizes about celebrities or random strangers but I would be upset if he told me that without my asking (or even if I did ask he'd probably say that it's not important to talk about all else equal). There's a great Carly Simon song "we have no secrets" which explains this well. And I don't tell him when I fantasize and he doesn't ask because there's no need -we're happy together, committed, loyal, same values about loyalty and fidelity. If we were having marital problems hypothetically then perhaps in counseling that subject would come up as in "what would you want your partner to do that she is not doing" or something like that.

 

To me porn is different. I would not be ok with him watching porn to any extent. I don't think he does at all (has he ever? maybe as a teenager or in college he looked at it and I know in his 20s he went to a few bachelor parties and never interacted with a stripper or wanted to despite pressure -and no, I would not have been ok with him having that kind of bachelor party and he didn't). It's all on a spectrum. I think people can be 100% committed and faithful to each other and indulge in private fantasies and in many cases I think that can enhance the marriage especially if in some way the couple chooses to role play or have some fun with it if BOTH people find it fun and pleasurable. It all depends on the circumstances.

Interesting that you say that Batya in regards to porn because I am completely on the same page. When in a relationship I do not think it is ok to watch porn. I will not, and I expect my partner not to either. However, this has been met with quite a lot of controversy. Many people think it is crazy to ask a partner not to watch porn. But it is something I am simply not comfortable with. It's nice to know I am not the only one.

Sorry for taking this thread slightly off topic.

Interesting that you say that Batya in regards to porn because I am completely on the same page. When in a relationship I do not think it is ok to watch porn. I will not, and I expect my partner not to either. However, this has been met with quite a lot of controversy. Many people think it is crazy to ask a partner not to watch porn. But it is something I am simply not comfortable with. It's nice to know I am not the only one.

 

Sorry for taking this thread slightly off topic.

So for me it goes further. I would not get involved with someone who watched porn regularly. Whether in a relationship or not. Or went to strip clubs regularly. Or had a lot of sex partners in the context of one night stands or casual sex. On the latter I made two exceptions. Dated two men who I knew had been promiscuous. One I had sex with - we dated for five months - and one I didn’t - we went out a total of five or six times. I regretted dating them because our sexual values were incompatible.

Oh and I’ve watched porn -a number of times with a partner but we both were like ok this is kind of repetitive. And yes o love watching sexy movies with a partner and on my own. I just don’t like hard core porn and wouldn’t like if my partner was really into watching hard core porn at any time. And no I don’t care if he fantasizes about sex with a celebrity or a stranger. When we took marriage vows we promised not to have sex with other people and before that and now we have our boundaries known as far as interacting with people in appropriate ways. Others might have different boundaries. But I think it’s silly to expect spouses or significant others never to have thoughts about others or to find others attractive. It is of course reasonable to expect spouses not to act on those fantasies or to for example have inappropriate conversations with other people about sex etc

This reminds me of many years ago when wecslept till 1pm on a Sunday once (now that’s a fantasy now) and when I woke up he looked guilty and closed his laptop. Turned out he’d woken up and was checking fantasy baseball lol - his “addiction “ (yes all fantasy no gambling involved). Lol.

This is interesting. At this moment, I think about porn as something different. I’m in a long distance relationship and we see each other once a month. At first, I had a really hard time understanding why he needs to watch porn to masturbate. We had a few serious conversations and he explains how the frequency has gone doen since he’s been with me and he never thinks about actually having sex with the girls on the screen or compare me to those porn stars. He said that it’s simply there to help him remember or picture what we did together and he thinks about us when he does it. I tried cam sex a few times(he didn’t because he felt extremely uncomfortable) he asked me if it’s okay to keep that for in person event only since it makes him sad after I’m done(or he’s done on his on time) that he can’t actually be with me and touch me. He still really enjoys sexy video chats and tells me that he misses being intimate with me. We are both in our mid 20s and each other’s first times since we wanted to wait till we meet the right person. Now, I’m still not okay with him watching porn when he’s in a serious relationship and I would ask him to not do so once we become close distance or move in together. However, I tried watching porn myself and now I sorta understand that watching porn isn’t really about you wanting to be with the person on the screen. It’s just a very quick and easy way to get you in the mood when your partner is not around and get the job done and forget about what you just watched. I don’t think it’s a huge issue unless your partner watched it a lot or prefers masturbating to porn than being with you.

On the other hand, I have a negative view about actively fantasizing about other people than your SO. I know people can’t control their random thoughts but thinking about sex with someone is a different level of thinking than just a random thought. Porn is something instant and limited to while you are watching it for easy pleasure but if you are fantasizing about other people it means you actively have the thoughts in your head and are choosing to feed the imagination. For me that is unacceptable and unnecessary.

The bottom line is that I don’t agree with porn in relationship(or in general) and active fantasies of sleeping with other people than your SO. I only think this way because I don’t do any of those myself and was wondering if it’s ever possible for a man to be the same way.

I'm a woman, I don't watch porn, I like certain soft porn, I like reading about certain soft porn, I like my fantasy life and it doesn't at all make me want to live out those fantasies at all. We both like to role play sometimes and it's fun and I never ever think he actually wishes I was the role that we've chosen for me and vice versa (they are not actual people FWIW).

I think your main issue is you're trying to have an LDR and once a month is not enough for the two of you. My husband and I were long distance when we were dating and saw each other about every 10 days. And we knew each other very well and had dated seriously in the past. How many times have you seen your SO in person?

Yes I do agree with you on that. We traveled to each other about 7 times in 5 months of being together. Each trip is around 3-6 days long. We talk daily and spend a lot of time watching shows or playing games. But you know no matter how long we talk on the phone, I’m always craving in person interaction. I’m planning to move near him next year but I’m a bit worried if we are both going to get tired of missing each other and end up losing interest in the relationship.

Interesting conversation going on here.

OP, I don't really think the issue here is man vs woman. It's just about values regarding sexuality. Personally, I find my attitude toward sex to always be evolving—broadening here, narrowing there—and I'm generally attracted to people, and most compatible with people, who are more or less on the same value plane as I am. That way I don't feel "weird" wanting x, say, but not wanting y.

Take the costume stuff, for instance? I'm a man, and that holds no interest for me. Maybe when I was 21 I'd have thought it was hot, but not these days. No judgement for those into it, be they 18 or 58. But if I met a woman who, say, could only feel at her most sexually dialed in while wearing a maid outfit...well, that wouldn't really work.

Reminds me of a woman I very much liked many years ago, but who liked to be bitten. I tried, you know? But what turned her on kind of removed me from the moment. It did not feel sexy. No judgement, just differences. Because there are certainly things I like to do sexually that feel totally normal, even vanilla, but to someone else would be considered kinky and strange and off-putting. That doesn't make me question my sexuality, or women in general. It just...is.

And there are things I used to do but no longer do, like watching porn. Sure, maybe on occasion, but very, very rarely. Yet there's a part of me that finds the world of porn and strip clubs kind of hot, in a sleazy, debauched way—a parallel world where everyone is driven by dark pathology. But it's abstract, if that makes sense, the same part of me that can "romanticize" being a drunk, or a gambler, or a criminal, when in reality I'm just an arty dude nearing middle age with a mortgage and a 401K who likes to drink 2-3 glasses of good wine on a Friday night. Seeing porn, being in a strip club—ugh, not for me. But thinking about that stuff is sort of hot, and there are subtle ways to access that debauched heat with someone I love and respect.

I get the feeling that you're very much still discovering your sexuality, which is amazing, because that's a lifelong journey. It's not a constant. It's a world, ideally, where we are always both teacher and student—with others, with ourselves.

We have a lot of ideas implanted in our minds early, based on our upbringing, based on what culture throws at us, and we kind of go through life sorting out where WE actually stand, sexually, in the middle of all that. Some of that work we do in our minds and bodies, and some of it comes from sharing our minds and bodies with others.

How pointless. Almost invariably, people will fantasize about other people. Doesn't mean they love you. Doesn't mean they don't desire you any less. All it means is that they think Eva Mendes or Jason Momoa would be a pretty good lay. Or that certain uniforms or professions are particularly attractive.

And, no, there isn't some epidemic of dudes seeing an attractive woman and stopping in their tracks to fantasize about boning them. We don't see a hot lady and proceed to invest our mental energy through the day into making sure we can beat off to them later that night.

Honestly, it's a disturbing level of thought policing when people start scrutinizing whether their partners even so much as think of another individual sexually. You may be the only man or woman in your partner's world, but you're not the only one in their world.

While what's right for her is obviously what's right for her, there's very little in Batya's posts in this particular thread which I personally align with. That said, I do think she's on the money with the core of this being the long-distance aspect doing what it tends to do best: exacerbating insecurities.

How pointless. Almost invariably, people will fantasize about other people. Doesn't mean they love you. Doesn't mean they don't desire you any less. All it means is that they think Eva Mendes or Jason Momoa would be a pretty good lay. Or that certain uniforms or professions are particularly attractive.

 

And, no, there isn't some epidemic of dudes seeing an attractive woman and stopping in their tracks to fantasize about boning them. We don't see a hot lady and proceed to invest our mental energy through the day into making sure we can beat off to them later that night.

 

Honestly, it's a disturbing level of thought policing when people start scrutinizing whether their partners even so much as think of another individual sexually. You may be the only man or woman in your partner's world, but you're not the only one in their world.

 

While what's right for her is obviously what's right for her, there's very little in Batya's posts in this particular thread which I personally align with. That said, I do think she's on the money with the core of this being the long-distance aspect doing what it tends to do best: exacerbating insecurities.

I really am confused. I wrote that fantasizing is fine. Porn addictions are not or regular porn viewing- and only for me in my relationships. I don’t think it’s wrong for others if both feel comfortable.

To me getting a lap dance is different from fantasy- that’s being sexual with another woman in reality.

And, no, there isn't some epidemic of dudes seeing an attractive woman and stopping in their tracks to fantasize about boning them. We don't see a hot lady and proceed to invest our mental energy through the day into making sure we can beat off to them later that night.

 

Honestly, it's a disturbing level of thought policing when people start scrutinizing whether their partners even so much as think of another individual sexually. You may be the only man or woman in your partner's world, but you're not the only one in their world.

 

While what's right for her is obviously what's right for her, there's very little in Batya's posts in this particular thread which I personally align with. That said, I do think she's on the money with the core of this being the long-distance aspect doing what it tends to do best: exacerbating insecurities.

I only asked this question because I heard so many stories of men and women saying that they actively fantasize about having sex with random people. I have no idea if that's common or only a few people take their thoughts to that degree because my mind doesn't work that way. Isn't "Wow they are hot" to "I want to do them" is a pretty big jump? I understand people in relationship can find other people attractive and I do that too. I know that finding others attractive doesn't mean anything, it's a quick response to what you see in front of you. Doesn't mean you love them or build any personal connection with them. I don't know how nothing understanding something and asking about it is perceived as thought policing.

As I said before, the whole point of me being here is to know how other people think about this. I'm not judging individuals who do fantasize about other people, I just particularly disagree with constant "intense" sexual fantasies while in a relationship because "I" never done anything like that. It's hard for me to understand fantasizing because it's something that I've never experienced before. If I've had some thoughts here and there I wouldn't be here asking this because I already know the answer to it.

And yes, I do think I'm still learning my sexuality and trying to explore more than what I know so far. I'm learning a lot about what is means to be in love and how our sexual desires work. Being in ldr is really boosting insecurities and I don't want my unnecessary thoughts to hurt my relationship, especially if it's based on something that I truly don't understand because I've never experienced it before. That said, I'm not asking if it's wrong or right because it's all based on our own boundaries.

Well I can tell you that I do not think that way when in a relationship or when single. I can appreciate an attractive man, or woman, and not automatically think about having sex with them. I have never thought about having sex with an attractive stranger in my life. In fact I don’t think many people do, but I can’t speak for others. Nor can I speak for men.

Well I can tell you that I do not think that way when in a relationship or when single. I can appreciate an attractive man, or woman, and not automatically think about having sex with them. I have never thought about having sex with an attractive stranger in my life. In fact I don’t think many people do, but I can’t speak for others. Nor can I speak for men.

Oh -I wasn't referring to actual random strangers but the fantasy of meeting a random stranger - imagining it -and then hooking up, etc. I personally have never automatically gone there in my mind when seeing an attractive stranger. I have noticed if the person is attractive looking but that's it.

The idea of my SO fantasizing about someone else used to be very uncomfortable, but when I started to realize that on occasion, I do the same thing, I stopped caring. If the relationship is healthy, I don't think it has anything to do with infidelity. Sometimes people have thoughts they don't even mean to have, and this applies to all thoughts, not just sexual ones. I'll be sitting in my English class and start wondering if my English teacher used to be a pothead, because he gives off that vibe. It's just those kinds of things that happen when the mind runs. I've seen a guy and thought, "Wow, doing ____ with him would be nice," and after that initial wave of "Why did I think that," I realized it would be unfair to hold my guy to the standard that he can't. I don't have those thoughts often, but I never even consider pursuing them. It's honestly just a thought. I'm not saying every guy does it, and I also hate when people say that men are "wired" that way, because there are women who think that way and men that don't think that way, and vice-versa. It's more of a human thing than a guy thing.

But to expect someone to never have a sexual thought about anyone but you is only going to hurt you, because it's an impossible expectation to achieve. And I don't mean that in the sense that there aren't guys that exist that don't have these thoughts about women, but think of it this way: it's their own thoughts. You are never going to know exactly what they're thinking. And if you're always worried (not saying you, OP, personally are, just people in general) about whether or not your SO thought that hot girl on the street would be a good lay, you're going to exasperate both him and yourself, because even if he wasn't, how can he prove it? He can't. I would take solace in the fact that the thoughts are private, and not sharing your own thoughts doesn't mean there are secrets. The mind is just a personal privacy that everyone has. Sometimes I see my guy and wonder why he chose to wear those shoes with that shirt, but I don't say anything, and it's my private thought, and life goes on and everything is great. However, it's an entirely different story if my SO would want to talk about a sexual fantasy he had about a certain person, especially if I don't ask about it.

I think people criminalize guys by thinking guys don't equate sex with any emotion. I disagree with this a lot. The costume thing might be something that turns him on when he sees any girl wearing it, because it's a kink and that's pretty much what kinks are, but I am positive the excitement of seeing you wear it for him is far more intense than if anyone else would, because he loves you, or if you're not at that stage yet, he likes you a lot. I don't mean to insult porn stars or celebrities, but when guys think of them sexually, I'm sure they're not also thinking (in most cases) "I would love to snuggle up with her after sex and make her breakfast the next day, too." There's something even more arousing about seeing your SO dressed up in a sexy way for you because you see them in their work clothes, their pajamas, with or without makeup on, etc. It's like you're showing them a different side of yourself, and that's exciting. Porn stars are supposed to look like that, and it's kind of a letdown when they don't, so it's not special at all.

The points you brought up in your original post are really interesting to think about, and if sexual thoughts are a dealbreaker for you, then value your feelings and consider them in the future. But my advice to you is to just relax, because you're never going to know someone's thoughts exactly all the time. Instead of taking that as something to stress you out, appreciate it. I definitely wouldn't want to know what my SO is thinking about me all the time, because I can be a real pain in the rear. Anything that is important will be talked about, so just stop stressing. "As long as men don't act on these thoughts, it's fine!" can be a little annoying to hear from a guy (because it just sounds like an excuse), but it's actually true. My SO used to watch porn when we couldn't see each other for a few days, but he stopped, because he said porn would only make him think of me, and wanting to have sex with me, and the porn "wasn't enough." Arousing things in daily life really just make most people want their SO, because their SO is real, and theirs, and that's all that matters. A relationship is more than just sex, which is what makes the sex so great. The element of love and getting close during sex is so much deeper than a passing thought that he won't remember when he sees you.

Unfortunately being inexperienced in general and being in a LDR in particular is creating your issues. Also it sounds like your long distance bf is not compatible with you and makes you uncomfortable sexually.

Have you met in person? How often do you see each other and how is the sexuality in person? Are there things he talks about or wants to try that creep you out?

I heard so many stories of men. I'm learning a lot about what is means to be in love and how our sexual desires work.

 

 

Being in ldr is really boosting insecurities and I don't want my unnecessary thoughts to hurt my relationship.

I love the point Julia made about the huge difference between having thoughts and acting on them. And also how tempting it is to act on them -for example if a person keeps thinking about another person in their lives and wants that person at some point he/she should consider whether they are with the right person. But fantasizing can enhance a relationship - if it's safe and comfortable you can act out some or all of them with your SO and you can decide if sharing a particular fantasy will needlessly hurt the other person's feelings or feel uncomfortable.

I really cannot stand -like Julia -the silly assumption that men separate emotions from sex. I know first hand it is not true, I know many men who would not accept an offer of sex from a woman they found highly attractive because of that, because of values, etc - men who say no or decide not to pursue sex early on because they think it might hamper developing a serious relationship or might ruin a friendship, etc. Because it's not about gender -it's about the individual person. I think sex is much riskier for women because of pregnancy (if that is an issue -meaning if the woman can still get pregnant -not just talking about "he wore a condom" -still a risk) and yes in general I think women get more emotionally attached than men with lots of exceptions. And that is not to say that men "don't" get emotionally attached more of a general spectrum.