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Breaking up with a guy I'm not even with


BettyBee

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Ok, I've been single since may from a 3 1/2 yr relationship.

After 6 weeks I rebounded and rebounded and rebounded and naturally, they burned out until the last guy a month ago...

I've been honest and told him I don't want a relationship, but he wants to wait for me to be ready, and I have told him I don't want him to do that, but I don't think he gets it...

I want to explore single life a bit more and date a bit, but he has put me on this pedestal and I can't convince him to let go.

There is another guy I want to see how things go with, but this first guy is making me feel bad about it. I don't want to hurt him because I like him, just not enough righ now.

I mean obviously, it would be nice to have a fall-back, but it's not fair to him, but I don't know how to get through to him...

I've honestly tried to tell him muliple times it's not happening... how do I get him to get it?

We've honestly met up twice in a month. I don't get how he thinks I'm so perfect after that short time?

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I'm a little confused here, have to say.

 

You say to him, "I'm not ready to keep exploring this, and need to take this time to be single, so I can't stay in touch. I'm sorry and wish you the best."

 

Then he does whatever he needs to do, weeps, calls, texts, whatever. You can not answer or block. It's, well, life.

 

In other words, you WILL hurt him, but that's okay. Sometimes the truth hurts.

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Let me get out the worlds smallest violin.

 

Im being sarcastic, but seriously girl, this is only an issue if you want it to be one.

 

He isnt a stalker, hes a guy who likes you. Pull up your big girl pants tell him you arent interested and then own your own issues. Quit making innocent people be the victims of your issues.

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It's the way he talks about me that makes it hard. He tells me im the light at the end of his darkness and I have his heart AFTER I've told him it's not going to happen. Like i said it's been a short time and I like him, just in a different way.

This is weird for me. I'm not usually liked by anyone. I really dont want to hurt him.

It's made more difficult by the fact I don't have may friends and I want us to be friends. Is this possible?

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Okay, so let's just try being totally honest, because you're close.

 

When you say "I really don't want to hurt him" you also mean two other things: 1. "I really don't want to hurt." 2. "I kind of love the attention."

 

And that's cool—no judgement. Means you're basically the same as the 5 billion people you share the globe with.

 

But still: you're not feeling it, and that's human, too. It happens. And, yeah, it happens often with people who (a) are out of breakups and (b) find themselves the object of over-the-top fawning. Like, it's nice and all. But also a little weird? Frankly, dude sounds like he's got a few tics to work out himself. When you're pulling out the middle earth metaphors in the first month something is up.

 

Just let him know. It'll sting a bit, but he'll be fine. And you'll lose that reliable ego hit, but you'll be fine, too.

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No one likes being the bad guy. But no one likes being strung along. And no one likes pretending to be someone they are not. So this is really a triple win.

 

Truth is, as you know, that the woman he is describing as that healing light in a tunnel of darkness is not really you. It's a fantasy in his head, you're the screen he's projecting it on, and contact (to say nothing of sex) is what keeps the resolution so strong in his mind.

 

Who are you, really? A British woman in her late 20s who got out of something gnarly in May, is into playing the field, and is in no spot for a relationship, at least with with this guy and his raven poetry. So own that. Nothing to be ashamed of. Just as you've already got a soothing option on the horizon—the new dude—he'll find something out there to heal his wounds.

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It's the way he talks about me that makes it hard. He tells me im the light at the end of his darkness and I have his heart AFTER I've told him it's not going to happen. Like i said it's been a short time and I like him, just in a different way.

This is weird for me. I'm not usually liked by anyone. I really dont want to hurt him.

It's made more difficult by the fact I don't have may friends and I want us to be friends. Is this possible?

No. It is not possible. Stop your attention seeking and go NC! Then block.

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No one likes being the bad guy. But no one likes being strung along. And no one likes pretending to be someone they are not. So this is really a triple win.

 

Truth is, as you know, that the woman he is describing as that healing light in a tunnel of darkness is not really you. It's a fantasy in his head, you're the screen he's projecting it on, and contact (to say nothing of sex) is what keeps the resolution so strong in his mind.

 

Who are you, really? A British woman in her late 20s who got out of something gnarly in May, is into playing the field, and is in no spot for a relationship, at least with with this guy and his raven poetry. So own that. Nothing to be ashamed of. Just as you've already got a soothing option on the horizon—the new dude—he'll find something out there to heal his wounds.

 

BC once again spitting truth.

 

Also agree with Holly. This is attention seeking behavior and deep down you know it, this relationship probably did a number on your self esteem so it understandable, that doesn't make it right though.

 

Let him go completely. Besides all those pretty words in such a short amount of time, he may have his own agenda himself.

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This guy is not in an emotionally healthy place to date anyway.

 

He's got something deeper insider him he needs to work on, if he's making these huge declarations when he barely even knows you. It could also be his way of inadvertently manipulating you to stick around so you feel too guilty to leave. Be kind, but be firm and tell him you do not want to continue dating. It's not possible to be friends, no. That would get way too messy.

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it would be nice to have a fall-back, but it's not fair to him, but I don't know how to get through to him...
You don't owe him a thing except a solid "goodbye, goodluck in your search" and a block and delete.

 

You've already told him you're not interested in him waiting for you to be ready so just block him now. Done and done! Give him the closed door so he will move on... that means you stop talking to him which means you stop enabling him to cling onto you like he is. If you think about it, its actually selfish to keep enabling him because he's not moving on when you keep giving him false hope through contact.

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OK yeah the attention is nice and all that.

But as much as I'm not used to the attention, I'm not used to being the bad guy... that's kind of why it's hard. I've tried to let him know easy...

 

First off, you're being more of a "bad guy" by *not* being honest!

 

In an effort to "let him know easy" you are misleading him which is selfish, unfair and just wrong.

 

Secondly --

 

"You're the light at the end of his darkness"? Not to sound rude, but seriously?

 

But okay, even IF there is a ring of truth to it, how pray tell did he ever get to that place?

 

Nevermind, I already know -- YOU led him to that place! But how, why? You're not interested in him!

 

For the love of xxx stop leading him on.

 

I am also scratching my head wondering how you can enjoy receiving this type of hard core attention from a guy you don't even like, at least romantically. (Or so you claim).

 

Maybe I'm weird but attention from a guy I have no interest in irritates me to no end. I get absolutely no "ego hit" from that whatsoever. Or much of anything else.

 

I think there is more to this. Like perhaps you DO like him, but he's coming on too hard and strong which is hindering your ability to realize it.

 

My guess is if/when he goes away and stops giving you attention, you'll realize how much you do like him, and decide you're suddenly "ready" for a relationship after all.

 

Frankly, I don't buy this "not ready" crap. When a person is really interested and attracted, they're "ready" and I think you know this too.

 

Start being honest, first with yourself, then with everyone else, including him.

 

Apologies this was harsh, but come on now bettybee. You're not being REAL with him and that is unfair and wrong in my opinion.

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I want us to be friends. Is this possible?
Its selfish of you to want to demote him to "just friends" when he wants to be your friend, your lover, your partner, "the light at the end of his darkness."

 

Surely you can see how selfish demoting him would be. Time to drop the "I don't want to be the bad guy" speech and actually stop being the bad guy.

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I don't see how repeatedly telling him I don't want to date him is leading him on? We we're never dating, we hooked up once and I told him I didn't want anything more. We met up once after that. After I told him I didn't want to date him.

I haven't spoken to him for 2 days now.

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I don't see how repeatedly telling him I don't want to date him is leading him on? We we're never dating, we hooked up once and I told him I didn't want anything more. We met up once after that. After I told him I didn't want to date him.

I haven't spoken to him for 2 days now.

 

It goes beyond telling him repeatedly. The fact that he doesn't listen when you say you don't want to date him is the issue. To try and "friend" him when you know he wants more then that is selfish. Yes, we are not our brother's keeper but you should do him the favor and stop all contact so he gets it. He wants to be more then your friend so stop trying to be his friend.

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women have a tendency to say things that always don't correlate with what they actually mean or want. I guarantee one of his friends is telling him "she says she doesnt want to date you but still talks and sees you all the time, definitely into you bro playing hard to get". You need to let him know you aren't interested and its best you two don't communicate

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That's fine. people have casual sex, hookups etc all the time when they are rebounding and randy and/or want ego boosts. Very common and not a problem if both of you just want hookups.

We we're never dating, we hooked up once and I told him I didn't want anything more. We met up once after that.
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I don't see how repeatedly telling him I don't want to date him is leading him on? We we're never dating, we hooked up once and I told him I didn't want anything more. We met up once after that. After I told him I didn't want to date him.

I haven't spoken to him for 2 days now.

 

Betty, if you’re contradicting yourself in a few sentences to a bunch of strangers on the internet I PROMISE you, you’re confusing him.

 

You don’t write a teehee can we be friends? Post about a man who won’t take no for an answer, what you’re describing is harassment, it’s illegal and dangerous, you’re a grown adult I’m sure you know that so OBVIOUSLY, you are giving mixed signals which oh my gosh is so dangerous... just stop already... grownup... people aren’t coping mechanisms, heal in your own.

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