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Thread: Single girl adventures...

  1. #1
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Single girl adventures...

    Hello all, I thought it would be a good idea to start a journal chronicling my dating life, as it has been quite the roller coaster the past few years. And perhaps it will take some of the burden off my friends having to hear every painful detail lol.

    Recently online dating has not been very successful. It seems it never goes past one or two dates, three at most. And then either I am not interested or he is not. But about a month ago I went to a friends birthday party where a guy, lets call him John, was attending as well. We've met several times before but I never thought to give him a chance. I always knew he was interested, and others had mentioned it to me as well, but I just didn't think of him as a potential match. Well, this particular night I got a little intoxicated, and feeling a little lonely, gave him a shot. It was surprisingly great. Chemistry was amazing, and we ended up sleeping together that night. Since then I've been seeing him a few times a week, and talking every day. I'm really surprised at how much I'm growing to like him. He is not at all what I expected. He's smarter, funnier and more mature then I gave him credit for.

    The more time we spend together the more interested I become, and anxious at the same time. Reading through this forum I've realized I'm not alone in overthinking and overanalyzing everything. To the point that sometimes I feel like I am sabotaging this potentially great relationship. Occasionally I will feel like his interest is waning, or that he is distancing himself. But he generally proves that it is all in my head with a sweet message or phone call. I don't communicate any of this to him. I've largely been keeping it to myself, but I can't help but worry that my anxieties will grow as my feelings do.

    In addition to my overthinking of everything, I am starting to worry about what my family will say if this does get serious. He is not the same race nor religion as me. This is not an issue for me being as I grew up in a very multicultural city, but my parents are very much against my having an interracial, or inter religious relationship. At 28 years old I feel it is a bit ridiculous that my parents have such a huge influence on whom I date. They never seem to be happy with my choices, and have ruined several relationships for me in the past. My last relationship was with someone of a different race and my mother refused to speak to me for several weeks. Our relationship went through quite a rough patch which broke my heart. She is my best friend. But admittedly can be a bit immature and manipulative when it comes to situations regarding me. I am an only child and so she is very overprotective. I have spoken to friends about this and they advise me to just have fun for the moment and see where things go. But again I am afraid of getting in too deep.

    Basically, I am having many anxious thoughts in regards to this relationship and am really trying not to screw it up. Hoping against hope that things will work itself out...

  2. #2
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    So when I have felt like someone's interest is waning it's usually correct. With my husband I made one mistake in the last 13 years we've been back together. There was one time where for about 6 hours he was not in touch with me during a work day. We had plans that night and when he showed up he told me that one of his meetings had lasted a lot longer and then he had another unexpected meeting. (We had no ability to text back then and I had no cell phone). So yes it was all in my head. I don't think I told him other than told him I'd been concerned when I didn't hear from him. I also found I was far more sensitive to perceived changes in interest level when either the guy was a little distant or I'd gone further sexually than I should have (meaning I thought I'd be ok with it and then felt too vulnerable/attached). One time had to do with actual sex.

    My sense in what you describe is that you were happy to have sex with him early on and it was fun and pleasurable but you weren't yet dating him and didn't think it would be more than a fling. Now that you have developing feelings that plus your sexual involvement are making you feel more vulnerable/fragile. So - my take on it is - when his interest level seems to change it probably is BUT you probably have to manage your expectations about what his interest level should be. You've only been dating him a month yet you've been in contact a whole lot - taking things very fast emotionally and sexually. But, it's only a month so his interest level likely is typical for only a month but you believe somewhere inside that since you've had sex with him and talk all the time it should be "more" than typical. So, yes he is not as invested/interested/attached as you but you might be overly attached to him given that it's only been a month. So one thing to do is to be in less constant touch and the other option is to tell him you had sex too soon - the latter is very difficult to do and awkward because you already chose to be intimate before you were dating but I'd try the former -get busy, get a life so to speak and don't ignore him just ease up so that you're talking/seeing each other more like 2-3 times a week total and see if that gives you a better perspective.

    As far as your parents' approval that's up to you. My mother's approval especially was very important because she was an excellent judge of character and integrity. She liked almost everyone I brought home or introduced her to and when she didn't or was unsure she was right on the money, especially with a guy I dated a few times right before I reconnected with my future husband -and I was in my late 30s! (She met him - the guy she did not care for - because of an event we were all invited to).

    Are you ok with your parents not accepting him? OK if you marry someone and they won't be involved in planning your wedding? Your decision and I understand the struggle.

    I'm glad you're having fun with your new guy!

  3. #3
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Bingo...

    I did not expect to develop feelings for this guy at all. It was just supposed to be a fling. I do feel very vulnerable and scared of rejection at this point because it has happened with quite a few guys. And yes, I am probably expecting him to care much more for me then he is showing at this point. Although I also noticed that he is much more guarded then I am. I have been hurt many times, but I still can't seem to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. It's just in my nature to be an open book. Not sure when I will ever learn...

    In regards to my mother not accepting him... I'm not sure I would be able to live with that. I do believe she is a good judge of character, but I also believe that she would not allow herself to get to know him due to our racial difference. If he was white like I am, I'm positive she would love him. Now I'm torn between just cutting it off before it gets serious, or just enjoy it and see what happens...


    Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Batya. Your insight is really helpful.

  4. #4
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    You can choose not to be an open book even if you feel like being an open book. I have to do that still and I'm no longer dating lol. When you stop oversharing (which often is a way to seek approval) you'll find people trust you more -when you're more discreet/private with your own matters people feel you'll do the same with their personal matters.

    I really admire your honesty about your mother and her potential reaction. And it's ok and it probably means that when it comes to dating you at least partly agree that the best match would be within your race and religion. And from all you've written it's not because you're racist - you're talking about a potential serious partner not who you would be close friends with or work with or hang out with - I bet when it comes to your social and work life you're open to being friends with people you have stuff in common with regardless of race/religion. Many choose only to marry within their own race/religion and/or culture.

    Sure, if you want to see where this goes, enjoy it for the moment and are being honest with yourself about being ok with that -sure - nothing wrong with that at all and he seems not to be asking you to be serious with him at this point so it's all good.

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  6. #5
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    So I didn't hear from him this morning...he usually texts me every morning. I saw he was active on instagram so I know he wasn't sleeping. Stupid social media.

    I decided to text first around 12. He said he was sleeping. Which was a lie. Lately I have felt as though he has been a bit different, perhaps losing interest. I tried talking to a coworker about this. Terrible idea. She was convinced that there is another girl (or girls) and he was likely with one this morning and so couldn't speak with me. In my heart I felt like this is not true. But she got me all worked up thinking I'm wasting my time, and that the reason he was "losing interest" was because there must be another girl. She suggested I talk to him about it. Again bad idea. I called him, kind of flustered asking why he was acting different. Asking whether his interest was waning so I wasn't wasting my time... He said he had no idea what I was talking about. Could I tell him why I thought this? How was he being different specifically. He was laughing really hard actually as if it was so amusing...

    Basically I totally regret calling him, and feel as if I have completely ruined this. Wish I could take it all back because I just feel so awful right now. I feel like I look crazy and over emotional. I'm supposed to see him tonight. I have no idea how to act now.

  7. #6
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    Just act normally. One thing that is effective is to tell yourself that it is selfish or self-absorbed on your part to subject him to your insecurities. And yes I'd refrain from gossiping about him to a coworker - just not worth it. Hope you have fun tonight!

  8. #7
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Just act normally. One thing that is effective is to tell yourself that it is selfish or self-absorbed on your part to subject him to your insecurities. And yes I'd refrain from gossiping about him to a coworker - just not worth it. Hope you have fun tonight!
    Thanks Batya. But Iím afraid that call caused real damage. If he was losing interest Iím sure that call made it ten times worse. Wondering whether I should just cancel tonight? Iím just overthinking absolutely everything right now. But I really do want to see him. I just donít want it to be awkward...

  9. #8
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    I would not cancel. Go and fake it till you make it.

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    Ya know I think your first mistake was having sex right out of the box. He thinks your easy now. And I'll bet he doesn't respect you. My ex and I became friends first then it moved forward to the sex. But hey what do I know? Everyone is different

  11. #10
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Thorntonater
    Ya know I think your first mistake was having sex right out of the box. He thinks your easy now. And I'll bet he doesn't respect you. My ex and I became friends first then it moved forward to the sex. But hey what do I know? Everyone is different
    Thanks for the input but actually he was trying to get with me for almost two years prior to us hooking up. I decided to give him a shot one drunken night. And itís been pretty great since...until I started to catch feelings.

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