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frustrated1

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Hello all, I thought it would be a good idea to start a journal chronicling my dating life, as it has been quite the roller coaster the past few years. And perhaps it will take some of the burden off my friends having to hear every painful detail lol.

 

Recently online dating has not been very successful. It seems it never goes past one or two dates, three at most. And then either I am not interested or he is not. But about a month ago I went to a friends birthday party where a guy, lets call him John, was attending as well. We've met several times before but I never thought to give him a chance. I always knew he was interested, and others had mentioned it to me as well, but I just didn't think of him as a potential match. Well, this particular night I got a little intoxicated, and feeling a little lonely, gave him a shot. It was surprisingly great. Chemistry was amazing, and we ended up sleeping together that night. Since then I've been seeing him a few times a week, and talking every day. I'm really surprised at how much I'm growing to like him. He is not at all what I expected. He's smarter, funnier and more mature then I gave him credit for.

 

The more time we spend together the more interested I become, and anxious at the same time. Reading through this forum I've realized I'm not alone in overthinking and overanalyzing everything. To the point that sometimes I feel like I am sabotaging this potentially great relationship. Occasionally I will feel like his interest is waning, or that he is distancing himself. But he generally proves that it is all in my head with a sweet message or phone call. I don't communicate any of this to him. I've largely been keeping it to myself, but I can't help but worry that my anxieties will grow as my feelings do.

 

In addition to my overthinking of everything, I am starting to worry about what my family will say if this does get serious. He is not the same race nor religion as me. This is not an issue for me being as I grew up in a very multicultural city, but my parents are very much against my having an interracial, or inter religious relationship. At 28 years old I feel it is a bit ridiculous that my parents have such a huge influence on whom I date. They never seem to be happy with my choices, and have ruined several relationships for me in the past. My last relationship was with someone of a different race and my mother refused to speak to me for several weeks. Our relationship went through quite a rough patch which broke my heart. She is my best friend. But admittedly can be a bit immature and manipulative when it comes to situations regarding me. I am an only child and so she is very overprotective. I have spoken to friends about this and they advise me to just have fun for the moment and see where things go. But again I am afraid of getting in too deep.

 

Basically, I am having many anxious thoughts in regards to this relationship and am really trying not to screw it up. Hoping against hope that things will work itself out...

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So when I have felt like someone's interest is waning it's usually correct. With my husband I made one mistake in the last 13 years we've been back together. There was one time where for about 6 hours he was not in touch with me during a work day. We had plans that night and when he showed up he told me that one of his meetings had lasted a lot longer and then he had another unexpected meeting. (We had no ability to text back then and I had no cell phone). So yes it was all in my head. I don't think I told him other than told him I'd been concerned when I didn't hear from him. I also found I was far more sensitive to perceived changes in interest level when either the guy was a little distant or I'd gone further sexually than I should have (meaning I thought I'd be ok with it and then felt too vulnerable/attached). One time had to do with actual sex.

 

My sense in what you describe is that you were happy to have sex with him early on and it was fun and pleasurable but you weren't yet dating him and didn't think it would be more than a fling. Now that you have developing feelings that plus your sexual involvement are making you feel more vulnerable/fragile. So - my take on it is - when his interest level seems to change it probably is BUT you probably have to manage your expectations about what his interest level should be. You've only been dating him a month yet you've been in contact a whole lot - taking things very fast emotionally and sexually. But, it's only a month so his interest level likely is typical for only a month but you believe somewhere inside that since you've had sex with him and talk all the time it should be "more" than typical. So, yes he is not as invested/interested/attached as you but you might be overly attached to him given that it's only been a month. So one thing to do is to be in less constant touch and the other option is to tell him you had sex too soon - the latter is very difficult to do and awkward because you already chose to be intimate before you were dating but I'd try the former -get busy, get a life so to speak and don't ignore him just ease up so that you're talking/seeing each other more like 2-3 times a week total and see if that gives you a better perspective.

 

As far as your parents' approval that's up to you. My mother's approval especially was very important because she was an excellent judge of character and integrity. She liked almost everyone I brought home or introduced her to and when she didn't or was unsure she was right on the money, especially with a guy I dated a few times right before I reconnected with my future husband -and I was in my late 30s! (She met him - the guy she did not care for - because of an event we were all invited to).

 

Are you ok with your parents not accepting him? OK if you marry someone and they won't be involved in planning your wedding? Your decision and I understand the struggle.

 

I'm glad you're having fun with your new guy!

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Bingo...

 

I did not expect to develop feelings for this guy at all. It was just supposed to be a fling. I do feel very vulnerable and scared of rejection at this point because it has happened with quite a few guys. And yes, I am probably expecting him to care much more for me then he is showing at this point. Although I also noticed that he is much more guarded then I am. I have been hurt many times, but I still can't seem to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. It's just in my nature to be an open book. Not sure when I will ever learn...

 

In regards to my mother not accepting him... I'm not sure I would be able to live with that. I do believe she is a good judge of character, but I also believe that she would not allow herself to get to know him due to our racial difference. If he was white like I am, I'm positive she would love him. Now I'm torn between just cutting it off before it gets serious, or just enjoy it and see what happens...

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Batya. Your insight is really helpful.

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You can choose not to be an open book even if you feel like being an open book. I have to do that still and I'm no longer dating lol. When you stop oversharing (which often is a way to seek approval) you'll find people trust you more -when you're more discreet/private with your own matters people feel you'll do the same with their personal matters.

 

I really admire your honesty about your mother and her potential reaction. And it's ok and it probably means that when it comes to dating you at least partly agree that the best match would be within your race and religion. And from all you've written it's not because you're racist - you're talking about a potential serious partner not who you would be close friends with or work with or hang out with - I bet when it comes to your social and work life you're open to being friends with people you have stuff in common with regardless of race/religion. Many choose only to marry within their own race/religion and/or culture.

 

Sure, if you want to see where this goes, enjoy it for the moment and are being honest with yourself about being ok with that -sure - nothing wrong with that at all and he seems not to be asking you to be serious with him at this point so it's all good.

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So I didn't hear from him this morning...he usually texts me every morning. I saw he was active on instagram so I know he wasn't sleeping. Stupid social media.

 

I decided to text first around 12. He said he was sleeping. Which was a lie. Lately I have felt as though he has been a bit different, perhaps losing interest. I tried talking to a coworker about this. Terrible idea. She was convinced that there is another girl (or girls) and he was likely with one this morning and so couldn't speak with me. In my heart I felt like this is not true. But she got me all worked up thinking I'm wasting my time, and that the reason he was "losing interest" was because there must be another girl. She suggested I talk to him about it. Again bad idea. I called him, kind of flustered asking why he was acting different. Asking whether his interest was waning so I wasn't wasting my time... He said he had no idea what I was talking about. Could I tell him why I thought this? How was he being different specifically. He was laughing really hard actually as if it was so amusing...

 

Basically I totally regret calling him, and feel as if I have completely ruined this. Wish I could take it all back because I just feel so awful right now. I feel like I look crazy and over emotional. I'm supposed to see him tonight. I have no idea how to act now.

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Just act normally. One thing that is effective is to tell yourself that it is selfish or self-absorbed on your part to subject him to your insecurities. And yes I'd refrain from gossiping about him to a coworker - just not worth it. Hope you have fun tonight!

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Just act normally. One thing that is effective is to tell yourself that it is selfish or self-absorbed on your part to subject him to your insecurities. And yes I'd refrain from gossiping about him to a coworker - just not worth it. Hope you have fun tonight!

 

Thanks Batya. But I’m afraid that call caused real damage. If he was losing interest I’m sure that call made it ten times worse. Wondering whether I should just cancel tonight? I’m just overthinking absolutely everything right now. But I really do want to see him. I just don’t want it to be awkward...

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Ya know I think your first mistake was having sex right out of the box. He thinks your easy now. And I'll bet he doesn't respect you. My ex and I became friends first then it moved forward to the sex. But hey what do I know? Everyone is different

 

Thanks for the input but actually he was trying to get with me for almost two years prior to us hooking up. I decided to give him a shot one drunken night. And it’s been pretty great since...until I started to catch feelings.

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Feeling a bit... off today. Not sure I would say I feel down, but I don't feel the elation I was feeling just a few days, or weeks ago. Having real feelings for someone is scary to me. I don't know when that happened. I used to enjoy the rush and adrenaline of a new relationship. Now I just feel this crippling anxiety that I am going to be hurt, ghosted or rejected and it makes me act in ways that I know are out of character for me. Is this what people refer to as baggage?

 

We talked about where we stand this weekend. And both have admitted to having feelings, but he seems to be much better at hiding them, or does not feel them to the extent that I do. He said something interesting to me which was that he is not good with emotions. I'm not sure I would be compatible with someone who is not in tune with, or willing to express their emotions. I'm starting to think I should just pull back all the way at this point. I don't want to invest in a relationship where my feelings are not reciprocated. Also the thought of my emotions being so reliant on someone else scares the crap out of me right now.

 

On another note, I've decided I need to get back to the gym and start eating healthier. I have allowed myself to slide for much too long now. Tonight I will go to the gym, focus on me again, and start eating right. Getting emotionally involved with someone again has shown me how much work I still have to do on myself. I have so many insecurities that I attempt to mask, but they always come out when I start really caring about someone. Keep coming back to the same conclusion that I need to distance myself from this situation right now...but it sucks. It's been nice having someone I am excited about after so many failed meets/dates/whatever.

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  • 2 weeks later...

And here I am again, ruining yet another relationship.

 

Sunday night we went out had a great evening, until we had a stupid explosive argument over money. By trying to prevent making the same mistakes I made in past relationships I ended up ruining this one potentially. It appears what I said hurt him so badly that he needed space from us, to think about things. And now I am in limbo. He doesn't know if he wants this relationship to continue, and so I wait. What does being on a "break" even mean? He said we can still talk, said he doesn't want to see other people, but doesn't want to see me right now either... it's all really confusing.

 

He acted to indifferent towards me after the fight. Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't even touch me... it was like I meant nothing to him. Since he said we could still talk I tried calling him last night. He answered, we talked for a minute, and then he brushed me off. Usually he won't let me get off the phone. Usually we talk for hours... how do you go from being so infatuated with someone to being so aloof? I can't help but feel like he is trying to punish me. And it hurts. He saw me cry, and didn't say a word. Nothing to comfort me... I just cannot understand who this person is. It's like he hates me now. I know I was wrong, and I apologized. Why does he continue to punish me? Perhaps he will decide he doesn't want this anymore. But I just wish he would tell me. This waiting and uncertainty is really weighing on me.

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It’s not uncertain. Give him twice the space he has asked for. You apologized and he is the victim. So he is allowed to decide that what you said now gives him a different perspective on you and the relationship. It’s a harsh lesson for you o know. You don’t share what you said so it’s hsr to respond specifically.

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It’s not uncertain. Give him twice the space he has asked for. You apologized and he is the victim. So he is allowed to decide that what you said now gives him a different perspective on you and the relationship. It’s a harsh lesson for you o know. You don’t share what you said so it’s hsr to respond specifically.

 

Thankyou once again Batya for your insight. You are completely right. And he has decided to end it. He doesn’t seem to be able to get past what I said, as well as the issue with my family being unable to accept someone of a different race/religion. He sees only hurt and disappoint down the road for us. And I am very hurt, but at the same time I understand where he is coming from. It’s extremely disappointing, and I have tried to work it out with him, but it seems he has made his mind up. Actually.... I’m pretty heart broken. But I hope I will be ok again soon.

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Thankyou once again Batya for your insight. You are completely right. And he has decided to end it. He doesn’t seem to be able to get past what I said, as well as the issue with my family being unable to accept someone of a different race/religion. He sees only hurt and disappoint down the road for us. And I am very hurt, but at the same time I understand where he is coming from. It’s extremely disappointing, and I have tried to work it out with him, but it seems he has made his mind up. Actually.... I’m pretty heart broken. But I hope I will be ok again soon.

 

You will be ok and you are acting in a respectful and thoughtful way.

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Woke up feeling pretty miserable. Our last conversation was quite sad... I told him I was sorry for everything and that I would miss him terribly. He went quiet, and started to cry. I never thought I would hear him that hurt...it was really upsetting but quite civil. He said he would miss me too and that we could still talk. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea as it would make it more difficult for us to move on.

 

I just can't help but hope he will come back. And this hope is what is worrying me now. I keep trying to tell myself that it's over, but there is this lingering thought that he will miss me enough to try and work it out. I know the longer I hold on to this hope the more it will prolong my heartbreak. I took the blame for everything, I apologized, and said everything I could to try and make him understand that I wanted things to be different. I put my all into it, and still he did not want to try again. So I know more then likely this means it is really the end, and I need to accept it. But my heart can't help but hope... how do I make it stop?

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You do not make it stop. You change how you react to the feelings. The feelings don't stop but you choose a different reaction - some reactions might be doing cardio -a brisk walk or angry-scrubbing the floor or a toilet, for example. Or, calling a friend but not talking about him, etc. I like distraction, I like exercise, I like counting my blessings as ways to react to those kinds of feelings differently.

 

I think apologizing is great and I think that it's unrealistic to expect a person to accept your apology. If they do, great, and that can't be a main motivation for apologizing and in a perfect world not even part of it.

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One minute I feel ok, and the next I'm crying. I'm battling within myself because a part of me thinks he made the right decision. From the start of our relationship I have felt like he did not do as much for me as I did for him. One area in particular which bothered me was money. Now I have been in previous relationships which I have felt taken advantage of financially. I am in some debt now because I was supporting at least 2 of my exes. I was stupid with money and am now suffering the consequences. Now this may have had something to do with how I felt in this most recent relationship. I felt like things were going down the same road. I was paying for most things. Food, alcohol, tickets to events, etc... This all came out in a nasty argument this past Sunday. I told him I felt like he would take advantage of me somewhere down the line, and that he was cheap. This is not the first time I have called him out on this.

 

Seeing how badly this hurt him I went into "try and fix everything" mode by saying I didn't mean it. And partly I didn't. He is a good person and I don't believe he would take advantage of me purposely, but I do believe he is much more conservative with money then I am. Yes i bought all these things for him of my own free will, and perhaps I expected him to be the same as me. I am the type to shower my partner with love and affection and sweet gestures. He is not. He is not very good with expressing emotions period. Perhaps he was right and we are just not compatible in these crucial ways. But I am mostly hurt that he does not want to try and compromise with me. He is so offended by my insensitive words which were said in the heat of the moment, that he is just ready to give up. It feels like I meant nothing to him at all. And it is so easy for him to just walk away.

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So it sounds like you shower people in part to get their approval as a reward. In part because you are insecure. And then You grow resentful if itÂ’s not reciprocated by you being showered or appreciated and you tell yourself itÂ’s becaise your so generous and the other person is not. Only do what you want to do without expecting a reward. He may be great at showing emotion and may have felt suffocated or overwhelmed by your showering and sensed you were insecure. So itÂ’s not a good way to motivate someone else to show emotion. ItÂ’s too much and kind of a turn off.

 

He is the victim . You hurt him. You take the consequences when you hurt someone. It doesn’t mean he never cared. It doesn’t mean you never cared when you had your nasty argument. Two years ago my friend from childhood said something incredibly insensitive to me and it was a culmination of other insensitive remarks. And I never let her in or to be close to me as we were before. I keep her at a distance. She belatedly apologized. And I still do not trust her enough to be vulnerable as I was. Not becisse I’m too sensitive. Because I’m a person who was hurt by a friend’s insensitivity.

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So it sounds like you shower people in part to get their approval as a reward. In part because you are insecure. And then You grow resentful if itÂ’s not reciprocated by you being showered or appreciated and you tell yourself itÂ’s becaise your so generous and the other person is not. Only do what you want to do without expecting a reward. He may be great at showing emotion and may have felt suffocated or overwhelmed by your showering and sensed you were insecure. So itÂ’s not a good way to motivate someone else to show emotion. ItÂ’s too much and kind of a turn off.

 

He is the victim . You hurt him. You take the consequences when you hurt someone. It doesn’t mean he never cared. It doesn’t mean you never cared when you had your nasty argument. Two years ago my friend from childhood said something incredibly insensitive to me and it was a culmination of other insensitive remarks. And I never let her in or to be close to me as we were before. I keep her at a distance. She belatedly apologized. And I still do not trust her enough to be vulnerable as I was. Not becisse I’m too sensitive. Because I’m a person who was hurt by a friend’s insensitivity.

 

I agree with alot of what you said Batya but that is not the reason for my showing affection. It is just because that's who I am. I am naturally affectionate, and doing small things for others makes me happy. I like to see those I love being happy. However, when I feel like I am putting in more then they are yes I do get a bit resentful. I realize we show we care in different ways, and wish I had realized this earlier.

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So was the way you showed you cared a way he was comfortable receiving ? I wold be careful about building up resentment. That means you weren’t giving in a healthy way. Know yourself and your limits better and stop before you feel the potential to be resentful. And if you feel tempted to go ahead anyway ask yourself why you’re risking feeling resentful Because at that point while it may have been from a giving place earlier it likely is no longer from a healthy giving place.

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Feeling even worse today. Tried to get my mind off of things by going to a movie with a friend. For some reason it just made me miss him even more...all I kept doing was comparing him to my ex, and throughout the movie having these awful flashbacks of good times we had together. Barely slept last night. Kept on waking up and thinking about him.

 

I wonder if he is missing me as much as I miss him...I'm wondering if I should ask for us to meet up tomorrow. But what if he says no and I am crushed all over again? I think he would say yes in all honesty. But I would go there hoping we would get back together. And what if we don't? I end up crushed all over again. But what if he sees me and he remembers what we have lost and changes his mind?

 

My friends all say I'm better off, and that I should just try to get over it. But I miss him so much at times that it's almost unbearable. They think he should be fighting for me, but he doesn't. I did and it got me nowhere. I know he was sad it was over, and he wanted us to stay in contact, so that gives me some hope. But I feel like if I give him too much space he will just forget about me. Why does he not fight for us? Why does he give up so easily?

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People move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is not putting effort into getting back together because he doesn't want to or doesn't want to badly enough. The why is a mystery and irrelevant other than for your ego. I get that you are missing him -I went through something similar and it was crazy-making and really annoyed the people around me at times, sigh. I would not ask to meet up. He knows you want to get back together and he knows you are sorry for what you said/did. The ball is completely in his court. Yes, you have to let the feelings come and yes you have to make choices so that the feelings stay as far off the radar as possible.

 

When I wanted to get back together with my ex fiancee (I had ended things, I regretted doing so), he agreed to meet with me and at dinner he said that he didn't want to get back together because he knew it would be romantic for a month or so and then we'd have the same issues. Almost 8 years later we met for a random catch up dinner having seen each other one time for a catch up dinner a year and a half earlier (and no other contact in those years other than a few emails a year). Sparks flew. We got married 3 years and 4 months later. It was the right time. I'd become the right person to find the right person. He'd changed in a way that resolved our issues (not perfection just in a way that made us compatible and able to love each other in a healthy and right way). It's very rare to get back together like that I would think. And I'll tell you what I know as sure as I can be sure -had we gotten back together when I wanted to shortly after we broke up it would have been for the wrong reasons and my guess is that the bad feelings would have sealed the deal of neither of us ever wanting to try again. So be careful about reacting impulsively to your feelings of missing him by showing desperation, getting hurt again, perhaps saying things you regret or hearing things you cannot unhear.

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People move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is not putting effort into getting back together because he doesn't want to or doesn't want to badly enough. The why is a mystery and irrelevant other than for your ego. I get that you are missing him -I went through something similar and it was crazy-making and really annoyed the people around me at times, sigh. I would not ask to meet up. He knows you want to get back together and he knows you are sorry for what you said/did. The ball is completely in his court. Yes, you have to let the feelings come and yes you have to make choices so that the feelings stay as far off the radar as possible.

 

When I wanted to get back together with my ex fiancee (I had ended things, I regretted doing so), he agreed to meet with me and at dinner he said that he didn't want to get back together because he knew it would be romantic for a month or so and then we'd have the same issues. Almost 8 years later we met for a random catch up dinner having seen each other one time for a catch up dinner a year and a half earlier (and no other contact in those years other than a few emails a year). Sparks flew. We got married 3 years and 4 months later. It was the right time. I'd become the right person to find the right person. He'd changed in a way that resolved our issues (not perfection just in a way that made us compatible and able to love each other in a healthy and right way). It's very rare to get back together like that I would think. And I'll tell you what I know as sure as I can be sure -had we gotten back together when I wanted to shortly after we broke up it would have been for the wrong reasons and my guess is that the bad feelings would have sealed the deal of neither of us ever wanting to try again. So be careful about reacting impulsively to your feelings of missing him by showing desperation, getting hurt again, perhaps saying things you regret or hearing things you cannot unhear.

 

I know this is the logical thing to do, but again I'm so afraid that if I don't see him he will forget about me. I also just feel like I need to see him one last time, to know that it is really over. Perhaps I will change my mind by tomorrow. My mind and emotions seem to change minute to minute.

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He called! And he said he misses me. i feel so much better know I'm not the only one. Couldn't talk long because of work, but it was enough to make me happy. We may not get back together, but at least I know he had feelings for me, and it wasn't so easy to walk away from as he made it seem.

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