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Thread: Single girl adventures...

  1. #11
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Feeling a bit... off today. Not sure I would say I feel down, but I don't feel the elation I was feeling just a few days, or weeks ago. Having real feelings for someone is scary to me. I don't know when that happened. I used to enjoy the rush and adrenaline of a new relationship. Now I just feel this crippling anxiety that I am going to be hurt, ghosted or rejected and it makes me act in ways that I know are out of character for me. Is this what people refer to as baggage?

    We talked about where we stand this weekend. And both have admitted to having feelings, but he seems to be much better at hiding them, or does not feel them to the extent that I do. He said something interesting to me which was that he is not good with emotions. I'm not sure I would be compatible with someone who is not in tune with, or willing to express their emotions. I'm starting to think I should just pull back all the way at this point. I don't want to invest in a relationship where my feelings are not reciprocated. Also the thought of my emotions being so reliant on someone else scares the crap out of me right now.

    On another note, I've decided I need to get back to the gym and start eating healthier. I have allowed myself to slide for much too long now. Tonight I will go to the gym, focus on me again, and start eating right. Getting emotionally involved with someone again has shown me how much work I still have to do on myself. I have so many insecurities that I attempt to mask, but they always come out when I start really caring about someone. Keep coming back to the same conclusion that I need to distance myself from this situation right now...but it sucks. It's been nice having someone I am excited about after so many failed meets/dates/whatever.

  2. #12
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    And here I am again, ruining yet another relationship.

    Sunday night we went out had a great evening, until we had a stupid explosive argument over money. By trying to prevent making the same mistakes I made in past relationships I ended up ruining this one potentially. It appears what I said hurt him so badly that he needed space from us, to think about things. And now I am in limbo. He doesn't know if he wants this relationship to continue, and so I wait. What does being on a "break" even mean? He said we can still talk, said he doesn't want to see other people, but doesn't want to see me right now either... it's all really confusing.

    He acted to indifferent towards me after the fight. Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't even touch me... it was like I meant nothing to him. Since he said we could still talk I tried calling him last night. He answered, we talked for a minute, and then he brushed me off. Usually he won't let me get off the phone. Usually we talk for hours... how do you go from being so infatuated with someone to being so aloof? I can't help but feel like he is trying to punish me. And it hurts. He saw me cry, and didn't say a word. Nothing to comfort me... I just cannot understand who this person is. It's like he hates me now. I know I was wrong, and I apologized. Why does he continue to punish me? Perhaps he will decide he doesn't want this anymore. But I just wish he would tell me. This waiting and uncertainty is really weighing on me.

  3. #13
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    Itís not uncertain. Give him twice the space he has asked for. You apologized and he is the victim. So he is allowed to decide that what you said now gives him a different perspective on you and the relationship. Itís a harsh lesson for you o know. You donít share what you said so itís hsr to respond specifically.

  4. #14
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Itís not uncertain. Give him twice the space he has asked for. You apologized and he is the victim. So he is allowed to decide that what you said now gives him a different perspective on you and the relationship. Itís a harsh lesson for you o know. You donít share what you said so itís hsr to respond specifically.
    Thankyou once again Batya for your insight. You are completely right. And he has decided to end it. He doesnít seem to be able to get past what I said, as well as the issue with my family being unable to accept someone of a different race/religion. He sees only hurt and disappoint down the road for us. And I am very hurt, but at the same time I understand where he is coming from. Itís extremely disappointing, and I have tried to work it out with him, but it seems he has made his mind up. Actually.... Iím pretty heart broken. But I hope I will be ok again soon.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by frustrated1
    Thankyou once again Batya for your insight. You are completely right. And he has decided to end it. He doesnít seem to be able to get past what I said, as well as the issue with my family being unable to accept someone of a different race/religion. He sees only hurt and disappoint down the road for us. And I am very hurt, but at the same time I understand where he is coming from. Itís extremely disappointing, and I have tried to work it out with him, but it seems he has made his mind up. Actually.... Iím pretty heart broken. But I hope I will be ok again soon.
    You will be ok and you are acting in a respectful and thoughtful way.

  7. #16
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Woke up feeling pretty miserable. Our last conversation was quite sad... I told him I was sorry for everything and that I would miss him terribly. He went quiet, and started to cry. I never thought I would hear him that hurt...it was really upsetting but quite civil. He said he would miss me too and that we could still talk. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea as it would make it more difficult for us to move on.

    I just can't help but hope he will come back. And this hope is what is worrying me now. I keep trying to tell myself that it's over, but there is this lingering thought that he will miss me enough to try and work it out. I know the longer I hold on to this hope the more it will prolong my heartbreak. I took the blame for everything, I apologized, and said everything I could to try and make him understand that I wanted things to be different. I put my all into it, and still he did not want to try again. So I know more then likely this means it is really the end, and I need to accept it. But my heart can't help but hope... how do I make it stop?

  8. #17
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    You do not make it stop. You change how you react to the feelings. The feelings don't stop but you choose a different reaction - some reactions might be doing cardio -a brisk walk or angry-scrubbing the floor or a toilet, for example. Or, calling a friend but not talking about him, etc. I like distraction, I like exercise, I like counting my blessings as ways to react to those kinds of feelings differently.

    I think apologizing is great and I think that it's unrealistic to expect a person to accept your apology. If they do, great, and that can't be a main motivation for apologizing and in a perfect world not even part of it.

  9. #18
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    One minute I feel ok, and the next I'm crying. I'm battling within myself because a part of me thinks he made the right decision. From the start of our relationship I have felt like he did not do as much for me as I did for him. One area in particular which bothered me was money. Now I have been in previous relationships which I have felt taken advantage of financially. I am in some debt now because I was supporting at least 2 of my exes. I was stupid with money and am now suffering the consequences. Now this may have had something to do with how I felt in this most recent relationship. I felt like things were going down the same road. I was paying for most things. Food, alcohol, tickets to events, etc... This all came out in a nasty argument this past Sunday. I told him I felt like he would take advantage of me somewhere down the line, and that he was cheap. This is not the first time I have called him out on this.

    Seeing how badly this hurt him I went into "try and fix everything" mode by saying I didn't mean it. And partly I didn't. He is a good person and I don't believe he would take advantage of me purposely, but I do believe he is much more conservative with money then I am. Yes i bought all these things for him of my own free will, and perhaps I expected him to be the same as me. I am the type to shower my partner with love and affection and sweet gestures. He is not. He is not very good with expressing emotions period. Perhaps he was right and we are just not compatible in these crucial ways. But I am mostly hurt that he does not want to try and compromise with me. He is so offended by my insensitive words which were said in the heat of the moment, that he is just ready to give up. It feels like I meant nothing to him at all. And it is so easy for him to just walk away.

  10. #19
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    So it sounds like you shower people in part to get their approval as a reward. In part because you are insecure. And then You grow resentful if it’s not reciprocated by you being showered or appreciated and you tell yourself it’s becaise your so generous and the other person is not. Only do what you want to do without expecting a reward. He may be great at showing emotion and may have felt suffocated or overwhelmed by your showering and sensed you were insecure. So it’s not a good way to motivate someone else to show emotion. It’s too much and kind of a turn off.

    He is the victim . You hurt him. You take the consequences when you hurt someone. It doesnít mean he never cared. It doesnít mean you never cared when you had your nasty argument. Two years ago my friend from childhood said something incredibly insensitive to me and it was a culmination of other insensitive remarks. And I never let her in or to be close to me as we were before. I keep her at a distance. She belatedly apologized. And I still do not trust her enough to be vulnerable as I was. Not becisse Iím too sensitive. Because Iím a person who was hurt by a friendís insensitivity.

  11. #20
    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So it sounds like you shower people in part to get their approval as a reward. In part because you are insecure. And then You grow resentful if it’s not reciprocated by you being showered or appreciated and you tell yourself it’s becaise your so generous and the other person is not. Only do what you want to do without expecting a reward. He may be great at showing emotion and may have felt suffocated or overwhelmed by your showering and sensed you were insecure. So it’s not a good way to motivate someone else to show emotion. It’s too much and kind of a turn off.

    He is the victim . You hurt him. You take the consequences when you hurt someone. It doesnít mean he never cared. It doesnít mean you never cared when you had your nasty argument. Two years ago my friend from childhood said something incredibly insensitive to me and it was a culmination of other insensitive remarks. And I never let her in or to be close to me as we were before. I keep her at a distance. She belatedly apologized. And I still do not trust her enough to be vulnerable as I was. Not becisse Iím too sensitive. Because Iím a person who was hurt by a friendís insensitivity.
    I agree with alot of what you said Batya but that is not the reason for my showing affection. It is just because that's who I am. I am naturally affectionate, and doing small things for others makes me happy. I like to see those I love being happy. However, when I feel like I am putting in more then they are yes I do get a bit resentful. I realize we show we care in different ways, and wish I had realized this earlier.

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