Boyfriend and cell phones

Yes there is a 26 year age gap. We have been together for 10 months and other than this we have no real issues. I use my phone for social media texting etc where as he barely texts no social media.

When we're in the car driving I will look at my phone, check social media, reddit etc. at night before bed. He says thats time we can be talking so I agreed I would be on it less.

I literally spent the whole day with him and when we go in the house I sat down and looked at reddit. He immediately said why do I always have to be on my phone. I didnt touch it during our meal or during the car ride. Im reading the news and such.

He acts like my phone is a social disease and to use it too much is a sin honestly. Its not just me though he stated he doesn't understand why people are so obsessed with cell phones. I told him I'm not obsessed. I like using my cell phone and just because he dosent doesnt mean everyone else has to stop. When he saw i was getting upset he said he was just kidding, but I don't think he is because of how much he brings it up.

Any suggestions will be helpful

It is just generational difference.

How often do you see him?

You're not compatible. He sounds like a dad talking to his kid, not like a partner.

He acts like my phone is a social disease and to use it too much is a sin honestly. Its not just me though he stated he doesn't understand why people are so obsessed with cell phones. I told him I'm not obsessed. I like using my cell phone and just because he dosent doesnt mean everyone else has to stop.

I don't really think it's about you using the phone as such or even a generation gap.

If you are really just off reading whatever while you two are driving some place, that is kind of rude of you. He isn't your chauffeur where you get to sit and relax and catch up on your news and social media while he takes you places. People normally actually do spend that time chatting.

Reading between the lines, it comes across like there is a lack of a deeper connection between you and he isn't happy. Part of that lack may well be due to the age difference as well. You don't really have that much in common and it does lend itself more to a parent/child dynamic rather than an adult connection.

Just put it away when y'all are together. You're not going to die if you don't check reddit or texts for a few hours. Go to the bathroom and check it real quick if you can't handle it.

Your boyfriend sounds controlling. What else is he doing? Are you having arguments? Do you have anything in common? Does he treat you like a kid? Think about it. There may be other issues in your relationship than just your cell phone use.

I agree with your boyfriend.

You should not be checking REDDIT when you are together if you are on a date.

You should:

Use your phone to get directions while you are out together, to check hours to a restaurant.

to say "aunt Millie is in the hospital - i am going to check in with my mom or texts later to make sure she got through it okay"

I do think 26 years is a little too large of a gap IMHO

I don't really think it's about you using the phone as such or even a generation gap.

 

If you are really just off reading whatever while you two are driving some place, that is kind of rude of you. He isn't your chauffeur where you get to sit and relax and catch up on your news and social media while he takes you places. People normally actually do spend that time chatting.

 

Reading between the lines, it comes across like there is a lack of a deeper connection between you and he isn't happy. Part of that lack may well be due to the age difference as well. You don't really have that much in common and it does lend itself more to a parent/child dynamic rather than an adult connection.

I also agree that it's quite rude. It reminds me of my ex who used to take out his cell on the minute we sat down to eat at a restaurant, or at home while we were watching TV. Very rude, IMO. You make it sound like its such an effort to not use your cell while you are with him. Use it when he's doing something on his own. Seriously. You are more addicted to it than you realise.

I dunno, I often check my email or ENA lol when spending quiet time with my boyfriend. Like last weekend, we were at his bungalow in the mountains, he was watching the football game, and I was sitting next to him on my Ipad, doing whatever. Or sometimes I put it down and watched the game with him, and even got into it! He has zero problem with that at all!

Same if we’re at his or mine. At his, he might check email or do some video editing; I may put on my earplugs and listen to music.

We don’t need each other’s constant attention every minute we’re together, personally I would find that quite draining and mentally exhausting.

However, while dining out or attending an event together, the cells are turned off.

OP, your bf sounds needy to me. It could be a generational thing, but my bf is in his late 40s, and I am in my 30s, it’s not a generational thing with us, it’s us both needing our own mental space sometimes, even when spending time together.

The problem with you and your bf is, unless I missed something (which is possible), sounds like you need your own mental space sometimes to do whatever, and he’s needing your constant attention!

Like he's jealous of the time you spend on the internet or social media or whatever you like doing, as he feels it takes time away from him.

I would never last with a man like that, so to me it sounds more like incompatibility than a generational thing.

Your boyfriend sounds controlling. What else is he doing? Are you having arguments? Do you have anything in common? Does he treat you like a kid? Think about it. There may be other issues in your relationship than just your cell phone use.

Are you serious??? That's not being controlling. He wants her to show him some common courtesy and respect while they are together.

Was about to say the same thing, katrina.

My mom is in her 60s, loves her phone, is on it more than I'm on mine, and by the sounds of it more than OP is on hers. I've got some issues with social media—people who seem to not think anything is real until documented in a story—but I've seen that in teenagers and 50somethings, so also not generational.

I can't say I like the sound of this dynamic much, OP.

I mean, yeah, I'd be kind of annoyed if in the middle of a conversation my gf just zoned out and started scrolling through online news. But a quiet moment in a car or chilling out at home? Um, no.

It sounds borderline like he's trying to play the "noble, mature one" in order to make sure your attention is fixated on him. Which, well, is immature.

 

 

I mean, yeah, I'd be kind of annoyed if in the middle of a conversation my gf just zoned out and started scrolling through online news. But a quiet moment in a car or chilling out at home? Um, no.

My sentiments exactly and to clarify, no I do not zone out scrolling on my phone or iPad while we are talking, engaging with each other. That IS rude!

But yeah, long distance driving or the other things I mentioned, sure I will check from time to time. Or sometimes we talk, sometimes sit in silence.

Sitting in silence together can be quite nice too.

It could be entirely generational . I find things done online mind-boggling all the time . And I know many people from my generation find it entirely mind-boggling and plain RUDE. But generations under me just shrug and don’t even consider it . Not everybody above 40 is prone to using smart phones, tablets ,computers etc. Now I know my in-laws are pretty old but they’ve never even used computer let alone a smart phone . They didn’t even use a computer when computers were new when they were in their 50’s when I met them. ( 30 years ago).

My mom is 72 and uses a smart phone so does my step dad who is 79.

But I can totally see why people want to be the focus of attention when they are there . Especially if relationships are relatively new .

My husband and I have been together 30 years we often sit on our phones together . And we don’t think anything of it . But when we are relating to each other we are relating to each other and that’s it .

 

My husband and I have been together 30 years we often sit on our phones together . And we don’t think anything of it . But when we are relating to each other we are relating to each other and that’s it .

 

I agree Seraphim, which is what I and bluecastle alluded to as well. When we're talking, engaging with each other, "relating" to each other, the cells are off, iPad down!

bluecastle and I were talking about spending time together, just chilling. In the car, at home, wherever.

JMO but when a couple gets to the point in their relationship where they feel comfortable just chilling together, not constantly talking or seeking each other's constant attention, allowing each other their own mental space (even while spending time together) like you and your husband (and me and my boyfriend), they're on their way to true emotional intimacy.

As I said, even sitting in silence together can be quite intimate. We are still relating, just silently. Which can be beautiful!

I agree Seraphim, which is what I and bluecastle alluded to as well. When we're talking, engaging with each other, "relating" to each other, the cells are off, iPad down!

 

bluecastle and I were talking about spending time together, just chilling. In the car, at home, wherever.

 

JMO but when a couple gets to the point in their relationship where they feel comforting just chilling together, not constantly talking or seeking each other's constant attention, allowing each other their own mental space (even while spending time together) like you and your husband (and me and my boyfriend), they're on their way to true emotional intimacy.

 

As I said, even sitting in silence together can be quite intimate.

Maybe the OP’s partner isn’t there yet. They have been together for 10 months. That’s a drop in the bucket . When my husband and I were together for only 10 months nothing distracted us from each other . I mean back then personal computers didn’t even have Internet all they had was word perfect . Back at that time we still hung on each other’s every word. Personally ,I think computers, iPads ,smart phones are going a long way to destroying society . I can totally see the gap in socialization.

Cute story about my bf and me. A few days ago he was watching something on the tele and I was sitting next to him while on my iPad. We both had our feet resting up on the coffee table and at one point I placed my left foot on top of his right foot, and we started playing footsies with each other on the coffee table!

Not long after, we both sort of turned to each other and smiled, him still watching the tele and me still on my iPad, not a word spoken between us. It was such a sweet moment and sort of confirmed the intimacy between us.

We just fit really well together, we love being together, and thankfully our space needs match (and have from day one) which I think is super important.

I read so many threads about one person needing more space (mental, emotional or physical) and the other needing more togetherness, there is nothing wrong with either, the only problem is they don't match!!

And doubtful they ever will, their respective natures are too different and thus incompatible and if they stay together, they'll probably end up driving each other crazy, lots of arguments, etc.

In Op's case, it's probably both - incompatibility combined with a large age difference. Not gonna work IMO but good luck OP, ideally and hopefully you and your bf can somehow reach a compromise and work it out.

EDIT:

 

Same if we’re at his or mine. At his, he might check email or do some video editing; I may put on my earplugs and listen to music.

 

lol, I meant earbuds, damn auto-correct!

Plopping down to check reddit the moment you've returned to your partner's place from a date is awkward any way you slice it.

That said, I'm no purist either way. I'm 32 and feel fortunate enough to have experienced corded landlines, no internet, and libraries serving a practical purpose while still having cell phones and high speed internet becoming a real thing entering early adulthood. There's a lot I can truly appreciate. Checking your phone during lulls is fine and I do think it's particularly needy to require a car ride to be "us time." Personally, I'm not a fan of driving altogether, much less feeling obligated to carry conversation during it. Though if he is the one providing the vehicle and actually driving you, it may be its own courtesy to entertain him a bit. I couldn't really imagine my lady going through the trouble only for me to camp out in the passenger seat with the phone in my face.

Ultimately, if he doesn't like it, he should leave it rather than resort to passive aggressive "jokes." But from a generalized growth perspective, it may be with worth reflecting on your usage. Could be he's neurotic about it or it could be him not really being offered a carrot, such as perhaps you waiting until bed or a moment he's occupied to check reddit or taking a moment to make an observation while he's driving.

Particularly if he is the one arranging, providing for, and transporting you to dates and activities, I can see resentment understandably brewing if the phone is taking the place of the reciprocal effort you could or should be providing. Again, that's if. It's on you and in your own benefit to reflect on it.

ETA: Also, while partners should of course be willing and able to do their own things within each other's company, don't shoot for the moon when it comes to that. What's healthy cohabitation later on is its own form of needy early on, and it's a pretty good sign you're oversaturating your time together and, honestly, very possibly not respecting their space. For many people, being comfortable with someone else in your home as simply a presence is an incredibly deep level of familiarity. Not something I'd be taking for granted after just 10 months.

 

For many people, being comfortable with someone else in your home as simply a presence is an incredibly deep level of familiarity. Not something I'd be taking for granted after just 10 months.

I don't look at it like "taking it for granted" - to me it's more about how good a fit you are and what you both feel comfortable with, the type of familiarity you've established, whether you've been together one month, six months, ten months, five years or 20 years.

There is no arbitrary timetable that states it's "only" been ten months so we should be engaging each other every minute while in each other's presence. It's whatever you both feel comfortable with Imo.

And if one person wants more "together" time and the other needs more personal space, then they're not a good fit. And our needs in this regard might be different in each relationship we have too, I have experienced that myself. But if two people "fit" it will all gel.

To add, I'm just talking about quiet time at home with your SO, at least in our relationship. While out together, whether it's taking a walk on the beach, strolling through town, dining out alone or with friends, attending an event, I don't even take my phone or iPad with me. My bf takes his phone for emergencies.

Again, good luck OP I hope you'll be able to work it out.

When we're in the car driving I will look at my phone, check social media, reddit etc.

Rude. He's not your Uber driver.

Sorry, I don't care if it's a 25 year-marriage or 2 dates.

It's not about age either. I recently had a 22 year-old college graduate intern spend the day with me, and she didn't pull her phone out once. I mentioned it, and she said she'd never do that, as she considers it rude to look at your phone while in the company of others. I helped give the go-ahead to management to hire her.

Cute story about my bf and me. A few days ago he was watching something on the tele and I was sitting next to him while on my iPad. We both had our feet resting up on the coffee table and at one point I placed my left foot on top of his right foot, and we started playing footsies with each other on the coffee table!

 

Not long after, we both sort of turned to each other and smiled, him still watching the tele and me still on my iPad, not a word spoken between us. It was such a sweet moment and sort of confirmed the intimacy between us.

 

We just fit really well together, we love being together, and thankfully our space needs match (and have from day one) which I think is super important.

 

I read so many threads about one person needing more space (mental, emotional or physical) and the other needing more togetherness, there is nothing wrong with either, the only problem is they don't match!!

 

And doubtful they ever will, their respective natures are too different and thus incompatible and if they stay together, they'll probably end up driving each other crazy, lots of arguments, etc.

 

In Op's case, it's probably both - incompatibility combined with a large age difference. Not gonna work IMO but good luck OP, ideally and hopefully you and your bf can somehow reach a compromise and work it out.

 

EDIT:

 

 

 

lol, I meant earbuds, damn auto-correct!

Oh Katrina so x-rated with the footsie stuff - get a room LOLLL :-)

I don't agree about incompatibility just because one person needs more space -because needs for space can change over time or with a lifestyle or job change (for example I now need more space because I have to be on so much when I'm with my son) - it's all about how you work together/compromise on that just like any difference. Yes at some point it is incompatible of course but not just because the couple might have different needs or those needs might change.

OP - put the phone away at a restaurant or in the car if he is driving. If you are expecting an urgent call that's fine - tell him in advance so he knows why it is on/why you are checking. See if that helps.

I hear ya B about needs changing. Very good point.

Re OP's situation, I dunno, I am imagining a different scenario. I mean, if OP is on her phone constantly, even while out together or she interrupts a convo she's having with him to check her phone, yeah that is rude!

But often times, if my bf and I are driving someplace that's let's say 2-3 hours away, I will check the Internet on my phone to pass time and will even share with him if it's something funny or interesting and we'll talk about it or have a good laugh.

That is the scenario I am imagining (which I am no doubt projecting) which I think is fine, not rude.

@B, lol about the x-rating! That actually came later, but that's for a different time, different thread!! xx

 

But often times, if my bf and I are driving someplace that's let's say 2-3 hours away, I will check the Internet on my phone to pass time and will even share with him if it's something funny or interesting and we'll talk about it or have a good laugh.

 

That is the scenario I am imagining which I think is fine, not rude.

It's all about how the partner views it. Katrina, your boyfriend might not only think it's not rude, but he might enjoy the fact that you read your phone, and share anecdotes. So in your relationship, it's fine, as your boyfriend views it as fine.

The OP's partner has made it clear that he disagrees.

The OP can continue to do this, knowing that her boyfriend has clearly stated that he doesn't like it. Doing anything in a relationship that has been clearly and efficiently communicated as a dislike by one partner is very detrimental to the relationship.

This isn't a debate about how we, the ENA posters feel about cell phone use with partners during outings. It's about the OP's boyfriend's clear and simple statement that he doesn't like it.

I agree LHG which is why I posted earlier it's all about being a good "fit." How well their respective natures gel.

My opinion is that OP and her guy are not, and don't quite understand why it's up to *her* to fit into what he needs.

If he were posting, the advice might be that he is being too needy, lighten up, chill out!

There is really no right or wrong is there?

They just don't fit and after ten months should probably break up unless they can reach a healthy compromise.